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Threads: 34
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First Revision
God, not me
When grief
was the overload,
His cloud of comfort
cared for me, working
even the secret
world of another's deceit
into terrible revelation
of love and hate;
He deadened my pain
by painting a smile, keeping
this heart from fainting.
It's harder to pick
bones with God, so
dysfunction remains blind
to the greater
hidden
more profitable things,
which have always remained
out of my hands,
and into His.
original
God, not me
When grief
was the overload
in a cloud
He met
lies with lies,
deceit with deceit;
all the while
He deadened pain
by painting a smile
to keep a heart
from crumbling.
It's harder to pick bones
with God,
so dysfunction
chooses the weakest,
instead.
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 283
Threads: 62
Joined: Aug 2017
(11-19-2017, 11:28 AM)nibbed Wrote: God, not me
When grief
was the overload
in a cloud I appreciate the use of a different font color, but I wonder what does it do for the poem? I have several theories but I'd like to hear from you
He met
lies with lies,
deceit with deceit;
all the while
He deadened pain
by painting a smile
to keep a heart
from crumbling.
You could heighten the enjambment in the stanza above by writing it in the format I wrote it in below. Modify it as you please.
A crumbling heart I feel teeters on cliche. Maybe you could change that to increase the payoff of the last line?
all the while He
deadened pain by
painting a smile to
keep a heart from
crumbling.
It's harder to pick bones
with God,
so dysfunction
chooses the weakest, no comma needed here.
instead. not too fond on the isolation of instead here. I'd drop it. Those were my thoughts
Good luck with it, Alex
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
(11-20-2017, 06:13 AM)alexorande Wrote: (11-19-2017, 11:28 AM)nibbed Wrote: God, not me
When grief
was the overload
in a cloud I appreciate the use of a different font color, but I wonder what does it do for the poem? I have several theories but I'd like to hear from you
He met
lies with lies,
deceit with deceit;
all the while
He deadened pain
by painting a smile
to keep a heart
from crumbling.
You could heighten the enjambment in the stanza above by writing it in the format I wrote it in below. Modify it as you please.
A crumbling heart I feel teeters on cliche. Maybe you could change that to increase the payoff of the last line?
all the while He
deadened pain by
painting a smile to
keep a heart from
crumbling.
It's harder to pick bones
with God,
so dysfunction
chooses the weakest, no comma needed here.
instead. not too fond on the isolation of instead here. I'd drop it. Those were my thoughts
Good luck with it, Alex
Thank you ALEX,
you have given me some great pointers on how to make the poem even better. I am awkward with proper enjambment, you have given me good tips, thank you! -nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 580
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Joined: Oct 2015
You have a good title, enigmatic. The poem doesn’t do justice to it.
You should really expand on this to assist the writer. Come on, you know how this works. Must try harder/ Admin
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Posts: 298
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2014
(11-19-2017, 11:28 AM)nibbed Wrote: God, not me
When grief
was the overload maybe leave grieve metaphorical: "when all was overcast"?
in a cloud
He met
lies with lies,
deceit with deceit; i am wondering who was deceived here, first i thought it was the disappointed subject.. but then the next stanza made me think otherwise.
which in turn made this stanza into something not directly dealing with what i thought the poem is about.
all the while you could leave this line out i think
He deadened pain maybe something like "alleviate" instead of "deadened" (which sounds too drastic, and also a little negative, but if it´s intended like that nevermind my suggestion)
by painting a smile i am thinking of a rainbow here..
to keep a heart
from crumbling. maybe shorten this to "the smile He painted / kept my heart from crumbling"
It's harder to pick bones
with God,
so dysfunction
chooses the weakest,
instead.
hi nibbed.. it is like i can´t put it all together, especially the last two stanzas and the one below "in a cloud" .
if i´d concentrate the part that touches me i´d get:
...
Posts: 709
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Hey Janine,
I'm going to suggest something a bit harsh, but bear with me:
(11-19-2017, 11:28 AM)nibbed Wrote: God, not me -I quite like the title. It draws me in as a reader.
When grief
was the overload
in a cloud
He met
lies with lies,
deceit with deceit;
all the while -I suggest cutting the first seven lines from the poem. I think the title and most of this stanza says what you need to when it comes to grief and deception.
He deadened pain
by painting a smile
to keep a heart
from crumbling. -A crumbling heart is a almost cliched. May be change this line to one word, "whole".
It's harder to pick bones
with God, -I would suggest cutting this stanza because, again, the title covers this sentiment.
so dysfunction -Cut the "so".
chooses the weakest, --Add an "always" at the start of this line.
instead. -Cut this line as well. I think if you follow my suggestions, you'll end up with a much more tighter poem. I hope I wasn't too harsh, but I think you have something here. I apologize if this was too much detail for basic critique.
Cheers,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
Posts: 580
Threads: 71
Joined: Oct 2015
Hi nibbed - to expand on what I wrote earlier - the title is smart. It “draws you in” as Rich’s d above said.
But after that, you need to show how god does things, not just talk about what he does. It’s the same showing / telling issue that we keep harping on about. For instance, “he deadened pain” is just boring prose. Tell us how he did it - not in hundreds of words, but in a line or two, recount an episode succinctly.
Similarly, avoid cliches like “crumbing heart”
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
(11-20-2017, 08:23 AM)Achebe Wrote: You have a good title, enigmatic. The poem doesn’t do justice to it.
You should really expand on this to assist the writer. Come on, you know how this works. Must try harder/ Admin
Hi achebe
When I read it, I understand completely, but you are right, I need to offer more about what God does, how He does it. The problem is, I just don't know, it's a mystery how He works things out, many times years, decades, centuries in advance. How or why He cares for me is the greatest mystery, but He always has. Looking back at my life it's almost as though He cared for me more when I thought I didn't need it. I guess one of His great attributes is the mystery of who He is and how He works. I am doing a second revision today, but I know it will not be as complete as I would like.
Thank you for the compliment on my title, it was accidental wit. Something I used to have a gift at, thought I had lost completely.
-nibbed
(11-20-2017, 12:16 PM)vagabond Wrote: (11-19-2017, 11:28 AM)nibbed Wrote: God, not me
When grief
was the overload maybe leave grieve metaphorical: "when all was overcast"?
in a cloud
He met
lies with lies,
deceit with deceit; i am wondering who was deceived here, first i thought it was the disappointed subject.. but then the next stanza made me think otherwise.
which in turn made this stanza into something not directly dealing with what i thought the poem is about.
all the while you could leave this line out i think
He deadened pain maybe something like "alleviate" instead of "deadened" (which sounds too drastic, and also a little negative, but if it´s intended like that nevermind my suggestion)
by painting a smile i am thinking of a rainbow here..
to keep a heart
from crumbling. maybe shorten this to "the smile He painted / kept my heart from crumbling"
It's harder to pick bones
with God,
so dysfunction
chooses the weakest,
instead.
hi nibbed.. it is like i can´t put it all together, especially the last two stanzas and the one below "in a cloud" .
if i´d concentrate the part that touches me i´d get:
Thank you Vagabond,
I know the poem has lots of work to hold up to its title.
I hope I can do it.
I liked your rendition and little ditty 
-nibbed
(11-20-2017, 12:50 PM)Richard Wrote: Hey Janine,
I'm going to suggest something a bit harsh, but bear with me:
(11-19-2017, 11:28 AM)nibbed Wrote: God, not me -I quite like the title. It draws me in as a reader.
When grief
was the overload
in a cloud
He met
lies with lies,
deceit with deceit;
all the while -I suggest cutting the first seven lines from the poem. I think the title and most of this stanza says what you need to when it comes to grief and deception.
He deadened pain
by painting a smile
to keep a heart
from crumbling. -A crumbling heart is a almost cliched. May be change this line to one word, "whole".
It's harder to pick bones
with God, -I would suggest cutting this stanza because, again, the title covers this sentiment.
so dysfunction -Cut the "so".
chooses the weakest, --Add an "always" at the start of this line.
instead. -Cut this line as well. I think if you follow my suggestions, you'll end up with a much more tighter poem. I hope I wasn't too harsh, but I think you have something here. I apologize if this was too much detail for basic critique.
Cheers,
Richard
Thanks Richard,
There's so much to do.
I like you angle and clever thoughtfulness, too.
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
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"He deadened my pain
by painting a smile, keeping
this heart from fainting." When I red this I said to my self start reading from the begining again, more carefully. The catchy title makes the reader curious, and then he's left to fill the void his/hers thoughts, in my opinion. I like poems with abstractions and metaphors as well but not to omit the point.
"He met
lies with lies,
deceit with deceit;" You let me think what ever I want, but don't know what you want/feel. If that's what you intented, very well done.
"It's harder to pick bones
with God," Are annoying circumstances difficult to be dealt with spiritually ?
Your writting is poetic, in my opinion, but why there is such a line morphology, I don't know.
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Threads: 6
Joined: Oct 2016
I think this one does as you intend. Message is communicated easily enough; it's easy to read - but I find the words/purpose/intentions of the God of the poem somewhat convoluted.
God, not me
When grief
was the overload, loved this opening, reminded me of Joy Division for some reason! I like the use of grief and overload, I kinda hope the grief isn't over a death as it is far more clever if used due to some other occurrence. Sways to the obvious if about a death.
His cloud of comfort
cared for me, working this image can be improved... his cloud could shield you, conceal you - but care for you? Perhaps he could care for you, but using the medium of a cloud I'm not so sure about.
even the secret
world of another's deceit
into terrible revelation
of love and hate;
Love these 4 lines as written, adds a human dimension to the poem, though again doesn't fit the previous cloud image for me. A sun for example shines light on the world of another's deceit, moon pours light on deceit at night/in the dark, to demonstrate basic alternatives.
He deadened my pain
by painting a smile, keeping (painting suggests the smile isn't genuine, not sure if intentional but you seem pretty consistently pro-God elsewhere, so I wonder if this is the right image)
this heart from fainting.
The sentiment here is positive compared to the rest, maybe try to enforce this by describing positive action rather than avoiding a negative? I mean rather than "keeping the heart from fainting" (merely avoiding a negative) why not say what it keeps it doing? I also wonder if you'd consider keeping the first person describing your heart... "keeping // my heart pulsating"
It's harder to pick
bones with God, so
dysfunction remains blind
to the greater
hidden
more profitable things,
which have always remained
out of my hands,
and into His.
I think that you, perhaps unintentionally, do a fair job picking bones with God in this very poem.
RBJ
Man differs more from Man, than Man from Beast~ Rochester
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro~ HST
Posts: 345
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(12-19-2017, 01:20 PM)rollingbrianjones Wrote: I think this one does as you intend. Message is communicated easily enough; it's easy to read - but I find the words/purpose/intentions of the God of the poem somewhat convoluted.
God, not me
When grief
was the overload, loved this opening, reminded me of Joy Division for some reason! I like the use of grief and overload, I kinda hope the grief isn't over a death as it is far more clever if used due to some other occurrence. Sways to the obvious if about a death.
His cloud of comfort
cared for me, working this image can be improved... his cloud could shield you, conceal you - but care for you? Perhaps he could care for you, but using the medium of a cloud I'm not so sure about.
even the secret
world of another's deceit
into terrible revelation
of love and hate;
Love these 4 lines as written, adds a human dimension to the poem, though again doesn't fit the previous cloud image for me. A sun for example shines light on the world of another's deceit, moon pours light on deceit at night/in the dark, to demonstrate basic alternatives.
He deadened my pain
by painting a smile, keeping (painting suggests the smile isn't genuine, not sure if intentional but you seem pretty consistently pro-God elsewhere, so I wonder if this is the right image)
this heart from fainting.
The sentiment here is positive compared to the rest, maybe try to enforce this by describing positive action rather than avoiding a negative? I mean rather than "keeping the heart from fainting" (merely avoiding a negative) why not say what it keeps it doing? I also wonder if you'd consider keeping the first person describing your heart... "keeping // my heart pulsating"
It's harder to pick
bones with God, so
dysfunction remains blind
to the greater
hidden
more profitable things,
which have always remained
out of my hands,
and into His.
I think that you, perhaps unintentionally, do a fair job picking bones with God in this very poem.
Hello rollingbrianjones
Thank you for considering my poem to look over, another I have shuffled away in a file somewhere thinking I had finished it, but I may have to look it over again and see where it can be improved.
Yes, it was about death. Whenever I suffer grief, and I've had my share of it...I get placed in a cloud. No one else can see it, but it is a real cloud. I want to say it's a force field, but that sounds too sci-fi and weird, besides, it's well, a cloud. It's warm and safe because it's God's cloud. In times of grief when the cloud "happens" it directs me and helps me to function beyond all the sadness and loss. It pushes me to do life's doings, chores, responsibilities. He just sort of takes over, blocking me from too much of this or that, protecting me from self-harm or vulnerability, caring for me in ways I cannot care for myself. When in the cloud, others can't see it or even know I'm standing in one. I appear strong and bright, fully together, but that is the Lord walking me through, it's His strength, because at the time, I was so weak and should have fainted in my heart or collapsed or just curled up. His cloud wouldn't let me, it was gentle and calming, comforting. God sends His Comforter.
Yes, you are right, the smile was and was not one on my face, one that helped me be cordial through the storm, but also one that brightened my day, on a publication that had a smile printed on the cover. So yes, it was a sort of painting, an illustration. It helped me in some work I was doing and it encouraged me and pushed me through, giving me hope and joy.
I really can't pick bones with God. He's God. I don't know how anyone could really question Him. He's too perfect to find any fault in at all. He's made the whole beauty of Creation and every lovely person who lives. Only once I got angry at him, years ago, but it didn't count, it was a misunderstanding. I asked forgiveness and He forgave me.
I really like what you said about reinforcing the sentiment. I will need to look that over and see if I can do it or not, that is a very good point!
Thank you so much for considering my poem to critique.
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
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Very thought-provoking, which is my eyes what a poem should be, and inasmuch, a very interesting work to read. The formatting is more a distraction to me than help, but this is strictly personal of course, and in any case, it does not take anything away; it is the kind of poem that keeps revealing new thing with each reading, and opening a new line of thought (He deadened my pain by painting a smile... and others); a jewel in its way; a big hat tip...
Huckleberry
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Thank you kindly for your warm thoughts
and kind critique of my poem Huckleberry.
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(11-19-2017, 11:28 AM)nibbed Wrote: First Revision
God, not me
When grief
was the overload,
His cloud of comfort
cared for me, working
even the secret
world of another's deceit
into terrible revelation
of love and hate;
He deadened my pain
by painting a smile, keeping
this heart from fainting.
It's harder to pick
bones with God, so
dysfunction remains blind
to the greater
hidden
more profitable things,
which have always remained
out of my hands,
and into His.
original
God, not me
When grief
was the overload
in a cloud
He met
lies with lies,
deceit with deceit;
all the while
He deadened pain
by painting a smile
to keep a heart
from crumbling.
It's harder to pick bones
with God,
so dysfunction
chooses the weakest,
instead. Hi nibbed,
please do not hate me for saying this but poems "like" this are tainted by religiosity BECAUSE they make more of a thing about some god or other and less about the relationship that the character has with the expressed sentiment...it is a cop out disguised as a dogma wrapped in a cliche. OK....do you hate me yet? Hope not...because this is in basic crit and basically you have written a religious eulogy to a god but without the benefit of third party isolation...what IS the old fool going on about? well...look at it this way :
When grief
is the overload,
His cloud of comfort
will care for you, working
even the secret
world of another's deceit
into terrible revelation
of love and hate;
He will deaden your pain
by painting a smile, keeping
your heart from fainting.
Thou shall't not pick
bones with God, so
your dysfunction will remain blind
to the greater
hidden
more profitable things,
which will always be
out of your hands,
and into His.
Amen
See what I mean?
Best,
tectak
(11-19-2017, 11:28 AM)nibbed Wrote: First Revision
God, not me
When grief
was the overload,
His cloud of comfort
cared for me, working
even the secret
world of another's deceit
into terrible revelation
of love and hate;
He deadened my pain
by painting a smile, keeping
this heart from fainting.
It's harder to pick
bones with God, so
dysfunction remains blind
to the greater
hidden
more profitable things,
which have always remained
out of my hands,
and into His.
original
God, not me
When grief
was the overload
in a cloud
He met
lies with lies,
deceit with deceit;
all the while
He deadened pain
by painting a smile
to keep a heart
from crumbling.
It's harder to pick bones
with God,
so dysfunction
chooses the weakest,
instead. Hi nibbed,
please do not hate me for saying this but poems "like" this are tainted by religiosity BECAUSE they make more of a thing about some god or other and less about the relationship that the character has with the expressed sentiment...it is a cop out disguised as a dogma wrapped in a cliche. OK....do you hate me yet? Hope not...because this is in basic crit and basically you have written a religious eulogy to a god but without the benefit of third party isolation...what IS the old fool going on about? well...look at it this way :
When grief
is the overload,
His cloud of comfort
will care for you, working
even the secret
world of another's deceit
into terrible revelation
of love and hate;
He will deaden your pain
by painting a smile, keeping
your heart from fainting.
Thou shall't not pick
bones with God, so
your dysfunction will remain blind
to the greater
hidden
more profitable things,
which will always be
out of your hands,
and into His.
Amen
See what I mean?
Best,
tectak
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
Hi tectak,
Sorry I am not all the way grasping what you are saying. Me & the Lord had a long day today. I hate you think I would hate you for critiquing your heart
and honest opinion to my poem, though. I don't see any dogma, just a really really tough moment God helped me through and how I felt, what I observed in that moment. I thought the poem was buried but saw someone had commented under Your Latest Threads in my Your Account Summary. I thought it rude to ignore...I wasn't trying to grandstand my poem, maybe it will rest gently and quietly now. I am learning that when someone offers critique, it is best to reply as soon as possible. Thank you, tectak, for your kind and honest consideration to my poem!
-nibbed
(01-18-2018, 12:04 AM)tectak Wrote: (11-19-2017, 11:28 AM)nibbed Wrote: First Revision
God, not me
When grief
was the overload,
His cloud of comfort
cared for me, working
even the secret
world of another's deceit
into terrible revelation
of love and hate;
He deadened my pain
by painting a smile, keeping
this heart from fainting.
It's harder to pick
bones with God, so
dysfunction remains blind
to the greater
hidden
more profitable things,
which have always remained
out of my hands,
and into His.
original
God, not me
When grief
was the overload
in a cloud
He met
lies with lies,
deceit with deceit;
all the while
He deadened pain
by painting a smile
to keep a heart
from crumbling.
It's harder to pick bones
with God,
so dysfunction
chooses the weakest,
instead. Hi nibbed,
please do not hate me for saying this but poems "like" this are tainted by religiosity BECAUSE they make more of a thing about some god or other and less about the relationship that the character has with the expressed sentiment...it is a cop out disguised as a dogma wrapped in a cliche. OK....do you hate me yet? Hope not...because this is in basic crit and basically you have written a religious eulogy to a god but without the benefit of third party isolation...what IS the old fool going on about? well...look at it this way :
When grief
is the overload,
His cloud of comfort
will care for you, working
even the secret
world of another's deceit
into terrible revelation
of love and hate;
He will deaden your pain
by painting a smile, keeping
your heart from fainting.
Thou shall't not pick
bones with God, so
your dysfunction will remain blind
to the greater
hidden
more profitable things,
which will always be
out of your hands,
and into His.
Amen
See what I mean?
Best,
tectak
(11-19-2017, 11:28 AM)nibbed Wrote: First Revision
God, not me
When grief
was the overload,
His cloud of comfort
cared for me, working
even the secret
world of another's deceit
into terrible revelation
of love and hate;
He deadened my pain
by painting a smile, keeping
this heart from fainting.
It's harder to pick
bones with God, so
dysfunction remains blind
to the greater
hidden
more profitable things,
which have always remained
out of my hands,
and into His.
original
God, not me
When grief
was the overload
in a cloud
He met
lies with lies,
deceit with deceit;
all the while
He deadened pain
by painting a smile
to keep a heart
from crumbling.
It's harder to pick bones
with God,
so dysfunction
chooses the weakest,
instead. Hi nibbed,
please do not hate me for saying this but poems "like" this are tainted by religiosity BECAUSE they make more of a thing about some god or other and less about the relationship that the character has with the expressed sentiment...it is a cop out disguised as a dogma wrapped in a cliche. OK....do you hate me yet? Hope not...because this is in basic crit and basically you have written a religious eulogy to a god but without the benefit of third party isolation...what IS the old fool going on about? well...look at it this way :
When grief
is the overload,
His cloud of comfort
will care for you, working
even the secret
world of another's deceit
into terrible revelation
of love and hate;
He will deaden your pain
by painting a smile, keeping
your heart from fainting.
Thou shall't not pick
bones with God, so
your dysfunction will remain blind
to the greater
hidden
more profitable things,
which will always be
out of your hands,
and into His.
Amen
See what I mean?
Best,
tectak
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
tectak, I get it now!
Sorry, I was out of it last night
and couldn't see at all what you meant.
You just revealed to me a secret
that might be applied to hymn writing!
A piece of the puzzle I could not seem to grasp.
I was missing it!
I hope I can remember this!
Yours is the best example, you are right!
THANK YOU
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(01-19-2018, 01:20 AM)nibbed Wrote: tectak, I get it now!
Sorry, I was out of it last night
and couldn't see at all what you meant.
You just revealed to me a secret
that might be applied to hymn writing!
A piece of the puzzle I could not seem to grasp.
I was missing it!
I hope I can remember this!
Yours is the best example, you are right!
THANK YOU
-nibbed Never confuse the character with the writer...even when you are told they sre one and the same ....otherwise you crit the wrong thing. It's the poem, it's always the poem.......glad you got my point.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 28
Threads: 6
Joined: Jan 2018
While I might just be missing the point of it, I feel that the lines cutting off does not come across as you seem to want it to. It can be effective if the new timings are only slightly unnatural, but it feels a bit odd here. Very nice poem overall.
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