Tints and Shades

[CarrieChristo]

Tints and Shades

I’m forgetting what you looked like
without pixels tied to color
but I always painted you a cherry hue

 and I remember when I noticed
that your cheeks were more like thunderstorms
Puffing, pouting, always passing through.

I forget how my legs mixed with yours
atop my tired mattress
and if they’d clap along like waves
or melt like sun
But I remember how you’d stare
you’d smooth your lips and pat my hair
and laugh when I told you that I was scared
 you’d run.

Yet here I lie in sheets that I have 
piled mountains deep
In the hope their cotton bleeds into my skin.
Curves and caves lie low
nostalgic undertow, awaken
Crawling hunger howls within.

While sunlight sashays against my wall
 and I breathe in patterns known 
I know that time has welcomed change
Encrusting mossy stones.
Bringing to fruition the awareness
I have grown
 but how you’d laugh and pat my hair
 when I warned I would lie alone.
 

[Todd]

There's a lot I like here. Some comments below:

Tints and Shades

I’m forgetting what you looked like
without pixels tied to color
but I always painted you a cherry hue--line 2 feels a bit digital and it's slightly jarring to shift the medium in line 3. I do like though how you use the cherry hue to imply and emotional state or at least an emotional exchange and relationship between the speaker and the person being observed, recorded, painted. In a way, this is saying I always through you/we were happy but upon reflection (S2) it was more difficult.

 and I remember when I noticed--remember is a nice touch to give a connection with the forgetting of the previous stanza.
that your cheeks were more like thunderstorms--love this. Great image!
Puffing, pouting, always passing through.--While I think puffing and pouting works, I'm not liking always passing through. It feels like it's there solely to accomodate the rhyme and not the content. I don't think it works with the image you've built.

I forget how my legs mixed with yours--Again good return to forget
atop my tired mattress--Tired is a wonderful word here to imply the weight of the relationship and not just imply sex. When intimacy gets too heavy to carry anymore.
and if they’d clap along like waves
or melt like sun--These two lines are so good at showing not just a sexual act it makes me think of Gluck and her "premise of union". It's complicated though and mixed. There's both good and bad here. I do think you need an article before sun (the). It feels stilted and unnatural without one.
But I remember how you’d stare
you’d smooth your lips and pat my hair--don't think you need "you'd"
and laugh when I told you that I was scared--may not need "that"
 you’d run.--This line is great following the scared comment above. "I was scared/you'd run" The contrast and surprise makes this work well.

Yet here I lie in sheets that I have 
piled mountains deep--again mountains feel like a self-protective image. It works well here.
In the hope their cotton bleeds into my skin.--one of the better more evocative lines in the poems.
Curves and caves lie low
nostalgic undertow, awaken
Crawling hunger howls within.--I'm  not sure these last three lines are working for me. I need to give them more time. It feels like you've changed the tone and  I'm not sure it's working.

While sunlight sashays against my wall
 and I breathe in patterns known--I don't' like the syntax reversal of patterns known to accommodate the partial rhyme with stones. It feels unnatural.  
I know that time has welcomed change
Encrusting mossy stones.
Bringing to fruition the awareness
I have grown
 but how you’d laugh and pat my hair
 when I warned I would lie alone.--It's a serviceable ending though I'd prefer something that hit a little harder. It feels like the poem has power in the beginning and middle and loses steam at the end.
 

All that said, I do really like this. I hope the comments help you.

Best,

Todd

[Knot]

Hi CarrieChristo

I’m forgetting what you looked like
I'd like a hint as to why N's forgetting (just a small one)
without pixels tied to color
this line isn't working for me (why not photograph?)
but I always painted you a cherry hue
like the thought, wonder if there is a specific pigment that could be named?

and I remember when I noticed
like 'remember' after 'forgetting'
that your cheeks were more like thunderstorms
Puffing, pouting, always passing through.
Trying a bit too hard for the alliteration, I think.
Can cheeks 'pout'?
The 'thunderstorms' is a great image but 'passing through' (as opposed to, say, blowing over)
doesn't work that well - is it just there to rhyme with 'hue'? - and the thought/image feels incomplete.

I forget how my legs mixed with yours
like the return to 'forget', though 'mixed' (unless this is somehow an extension of the painting image) seems very odd.
atop my tired mattress
and if they’d clap along like waves
I think perhaps, finish the 'waves' thought, rather than 'melt like sun' (which doesn't make any sense to me).
or melt like sun
But I remember how you’d stare
you’d smooth your lips and pat my hair
and laugh when I told you that I was scared
you’d run.
Surprisingly prominent rhyming all of a sudden.
'scared/you'd run' is excellent

Yet here I lie in sheets that I have
piled mountains deep
like the image (though I'd suggest swapping 'sheets' for 'linens')
Would have preferred the remember/forget sequence was continued.
In the hope their cotton bleeds into my skin.
No idea what this means, but I do like it.
Curves and caves lie low
nostalgic undertow, awaken
Crawling hunger howls within.
More rhyming but with what seems like melodrama.
These three lines don't work for me.


While sunlight sashays against my wall
(can one sashay against?)
......
I'm afraid that I don't follow the last verse at all.
And, by this stage, I don't find the title making much sense.

Enjoyed the first three-and-a -half stanzas, think they are very promising.


Best, Knot

[vagabond]

Tints and Shades

I’m forgetting what you looked like       
without pixels tied to color
but I always painted you a cherry hue               you could start the poem with this line (without "but" of course) and abandon the two lines above

 and I remember when I noticed
that your cheeks were more like thunderstorms
Puffing, pouting, always passing through.                    passing through is not something i´d associate with thunder storms

I forget how my legs mixed with yours
atop my tired mattress
and if they’d clap along like waves                                  "how" instead of "if"?
or melt like sun                                                 that seems to want a little much as a single line in the context of the poem..
But I remember how you’d stare
you’d smooth your lips and pat my hair
and laugh when I told you that I was scared
 you’d run.           maybe: "when i told you i was scared you´d laugh/ and run" though i am not sure if "run" is perfect here, maybe "turn "

Yet here I lie in sheets that I have       you could get rid of "yet" and "that i have" and just write "... here i lie in sheets piled mountains deep"
piled mountains deep
In the hope their cotton bleeds into my skin.          makes me think this is about the other person´s scent. whether intended that way or not i love this image.    / i´d lose "the" and decapitalize "In"    
Curves and caves lie low
nostalgic undertow, awaken
Crawling hunger howls within.   not sure if it works but maybe write "hunger crawls inside my guts" (i think howls is a little too strong here)

While sunlight sashays against my wall
 and I breathe in patterns known
I know that time has welcomed change
Encrusting mossy stones.                                        how are the mossy stones encrusted? for a consistent meta i d suggest having them bleached (by the above mentioned sun)
Bringing to fruition the awareness             
I have grown                                                            i can´t follow this conclusion from what was written above
 but how you’d laugh and pat my hair
 when I warned I would lie alone.                 warned.. strange choice of word.. isn´t a warning something given to prevent things from happening.. so that actually leaves me with the prominent question " what could the person adressed have done?". not sure if that fits your poem´s intent.

[nibbed]

Hi, CarrieChristo. This is an interesting poem.


Tints and Shades

I’m forgetting what you looked like
without pixels tied to color
but I always painted you a cherry hue                              -can "but" be taken away?

 and I remember when I noticed                                        -
that your cheeks were more like thunderstorms        
Puffing, pouting, always passing through.                        

I forget how my legs mixed with yours        
atop my tired mattress
and if they’d clap along like waves                                       -this word "clap" seems obnoxious                    
or melt like sun
But I remember how you’d stare                                          - here's that "but" once more
[you’d smooth your lips and pat my hair
and laugh when I told you that I was scared]                    - "that" can be taken out, but these lines have good rhythm here
 you’d run.

Yet here I lie in sheets that I have                                         -minus "that", again
piled mountains deep
In the hope their cotton bleeds into my skin.                    -this is very brave to me
[Curves and caves lie low
nostalgic undertow, awaken]                                                - my favorite lines
Crawling hunger howls within.

While sunlight sashays against my wall
 and I breathe in patterns known                                            - I am imagining voice patterns
I know that time has welcomed change                                 -"that"
Encrusting mossy stones.                                                  
Bringing to fruition the awareness                                         -fruition kind of puts a bump in the flow , maybe disregard the "the"
I have grown
 but how you’d laugh and pat my hair                                   -I want to replace the "and(s)" in these twin phrases with commas
 when I warned I would lie alone.
 


Thank you for the read. I enjoyed this poem.
Have a blessed night.

-nibbed

[RiverNotch]

Rough.

Tints and Shades

I’m forgetting what you looked like
without pixels tied to color 
but I always painted you a cherry hue pixels to paint -- not a very coherent combination, i think, with pixels too digital, or paint talking about conjuration where the earlier two lines talk about documentation. i suggest scrapping pixels, so that your speaker could better bank on all this talk of colors and the weather, ie painterly things.

and I remember when I noticed the speaker forgets what the object of her affections looked like, but remembers how she once viewed her. interesting, though not as noticeable with the three complete clauses stitched by conjunctions into a single sentence.
that your cheeks were more like thunderstorms
Puffing, pouting, always passing through. puffing, and pouting is neither stormy nor cheeky.

I forget how my legs mixed with yours now the speaker forgets her actions in the presence of her beloved, but remembers the hows behind her beloved's. 
atop my tired mattress
and if they’d clap along like waves 
or melt like sun these two lines: beautiful, but kinda awkward, as i don't quite see the contrast between clapping along like waves or melting like sun, or why those metaphorical descriptions should come after the mixture. perhaps "and how", instead of "and if", among other changes.
But I remember how you’d stare but. also, same problem regarding too many clauses as in the previous stanzas, especially since there are no clear hints that those run-ons are supposed to say anything: the speaker seems clear enough on what she does and doesn't remember.
you’d smooth your lips and pat my hair
and laugh when I told you that I was scared i feel like this should be in iambic, just like the lines immediately above and below: and laugh when i would tell you i was scared
you’d run.

Yet here I lie in sheets that I have come to think of it, you may be able to wrestle the whole into meter, and considering the pillowy romance of this piece, that might be for the better (thus, yet here i lie in sheets i have)... anyway, the speaker compares her tidal memories to her current situation.
piled mountains deep meh'd at this metaphor. not related enough to the sea or weather imagery of the rest of the piece, especially considering what continues the thought is better connected (the cotton bleeding into skin returning to said cherry hue).
In the hope their cotton bleeds into my skin. in.
Curves and caves lie low
nostalgic undertow, awaken
Crawling hunger howls within. crawling. weird sentence, for a poem that has so far dealt in (at least) coherence: curves and caves lie low nostalgic undertow, awaken crawling hunger howls within. paints a pretty picture, though, but such does not save.

While sunlight sashays against my wall personal note: first thing i thought with sashay was rupaul. ignore that, it's an apt word.
and I breathe in patterns known  ,
I know that time has welcomed change
Encrusting mossy stones. encrusting, and comma, not period, at the end. also, the sudden personification of change here is somewhat bothersome, although perhaps the piece just forgot a couple of words.
Bringing to fruition the awareness following the earlier suggestions, bringing.
I have grown , especially with the distance it adds between this and what follows.
but how you’d laugh and pat my hair
when I warned I would lie alone. when i warned you i would lie alone. a weak ending, yes, but i'll hazard a fuller explanation, one that hinges upon something i earlier guessed as an oversight rather than a real fault: at this point in the poem, change is treated as too abstract a force. not necessarily a bad thing, sure, since to give proper cause and effect would make for a completely different piece, but without the same level of description given to both aftermath and relationship, the break-up itself, which as suggested by this stanza is the ultimate focus of the piece, becomes forgettable. to start with, in discussing or evading said break-up, perhaps remove the speaker's sudden knowing in this stanza's third line, while returning to the theme of memory in the first three stanzas? although of course it's all up to you.