Father

[Lawrence]

I wonder if my father understands
How much time we spend together

At night, I listen to the metronome of his pulse
Tutting like a grandfather clock

Sometimes, I see him sitting at my table
Staring at me from behind a polished shine

Clutching a glass of juice, silent-
Burning in the language of his eyes

Which are mine, and he tells me
That though it’s been years, he is not surprised

With the man I have become.
I look away. “Neither am I”, I say.

[billy]

So here's another shot at personal stuff, which I've been trying to get better at. Thank you.

I wonder if my father understands
How much time we spend together

At night, I listen to the metronome of his pulse [love this line]
Tutting like a grandfather clock [for me 'tutting doesn't work in the simile, would something like 'tic' work better (clocks don't tut)]

Sometimes, I see him sitting at my table
Staring at me from behind a polished shine

Clutching a glass of juice, silent-
Burning in the language of his eyes [would burning help the enjamb if it went up a line? ]

Which are mine, and he tells me
That though it’s been years, he is not surprised

With the man I have become.
I look away. “Neither am I”, I say.
i really like the last two couplets. they work well for me.

a real nit for me. as a reader i don't want to be told if it's about the author
if it's personal or pretend etc. i want to be able to read a poem without any preconceptions. my reason for this is, i may be unable to give honest feedback because my mind is already feeling something before the read.

that said i enjoyed the write and a small edit, will i think make it a really good write. i enjoyed the incites shared and as a son and father can reconcile the feelings of the person in the poem to my own.

thanks for the read
jmo

[Todd]

Hi Lawrence,

I think it's good that you're writing more personal poems Child rocked. There are some parts I like in this one. Here are some comments for you:

So here's another shot at personal stuff, which I've been trying to get better at. Thank you.

I wonder if my father understands--Great first line by doing the break on understand what the speaker is really saying is: I wonder if my father truly understands ME.
How much time we spend together--This then strikes me as a sideways evasion sort of saying we spend all this time together do you see me for who I am.

At night, I listen to the metronome of his pulse--Since the poem to me is about gaining the acceptance of a parent, and the parent having to come to grips with an adult child, I wonder if "to the" would be better replaced by the word "for" The for to me speaks more to longing for a shift in the relationship or for acceptance. It also carries the dual weight of adding a little more tension (maybe just me).
Tutting like a grandfather clock[b]--good simile though I would agree with Billy that tutting seems a bit off. I like that you used a grandfather clock though because it subtlely implies a generational connection.

Sometimes, I see him sitting at my table--does my table imply that he lives at your home or is in your room? I don't know if my is necessary you may want simply the table
Staring at me from behind a polished shine--If I'm reading this right he is looking into the wax shine of the table and staring at the speaker's face (who stands behind him). This suggests some anger and shame because the look isn't direct).

Clutching a glass of juice, silent---clutching again conveys anger
Burning in the language of his eyes--again burning suggests anger.

Which are mine, and he tells me--still the connection of family even if it is on some level unwanted...and he TELLS me which is not a conversation but an aggressive stance
That though it’s been years, he is not surprised--disapproval

With the man I have become.--The reaction of the speaker in the next line suggests that the father means this as an indictment
I look away. “Neither am I”, I say.--I would probably kill the "I say" and lose the quotes and simply italicize the quoted portion:

I look away. Neither am I.

The ending works I still think there is some emotion power you could wring out of it. I think there might be a stronger ending out there. That said, it does work. I don't know if I'm interpreting this correctly, but I do think the poem conveys the subtext and the emotion. It was a good read.

Thanks.

Best,

Todd

[Lawrence]

The poem was about how I hate my father and cannot escape him, because I am him.

The "polished shine" is me looking at him in the mirror. His blood is my blood, so I listen to his blood.
I totally didn't make it clear enough

---

So, I wanted to convey anger, to convey disapproval, both at my father, and at myself for being like him.

[billy]

i think it was clear that you were the dichotomy of father son within the poem.
and i got it from these two lines;

Burning in the language of his eyes

Which are mine, and he tells me

in effect you tell yourself.

maybe if you said 'within a polished shine' as opposed to

'behind a polished shine'?