Ring (V2)

[Youi]

You've concealed me
in a precious music box
unfastened only
if I disengage the locks.

In there, you'll find a broken facet
echoing a note,
plucking a discordant needle
twined and overwrote.

V1

You've concealed 
my heart inside a music box
you'll only open 
once I've chimed a final vox.

In there, you'll find it's changed  
and left behind a note:
"I'll never sing for you again, 
or play a single note."

[Richard]

Hey Youi,
I get what you're going for here. My biggest suggestion would be to be careful when writing about love because it's been done so much in poetry. I'll go into more detail below:

You've concealed 
my heart inside a music box -I know you're talking about love and similar feelings here. However, it made me think of a bloody music box because it borders on cliche to talk about one's heart when talking about relationships/love. I wonder if the heart is actually a ring, giving the title a second meaning? If it is, may be make that clearer to the reader.
you'll only open 
once I've chimed a final vox. -To me "vox" is a strange word choice that seems only there to make the rhyme complete. I'm certain that there are others who would disagree. 

In there, you'll find it's changed  
and left behind a note: -How does a heart leave a note? Again, I get what you're going for here. I would suggest rewording it though.
"I'll never sing for you again, 
or play a single note." -How does a heart play music? I get the singing, metaphorically speaking.

I feel like you got some good feelings here that you should explore. I would suggest expanding this poem more, so it doesn't rely on the heart as a vital image so much. 

Cheers,
Richard

[RiverNotch]

You've concealed 
my heart inside a music box
you'll only open 
once I've chimed a final vox. Perhaps my point is a tad monomaniacal, but "vox" easily wrecks the poem for me. Since, in English, vox is used to refer specifically to vocals, the metaphor, where the decidedly vocal speaker is compared to the non-vocal mechanism of a music box, falls apart, not to mention the fact that it sounds like a term the author remembered solely for the sake of rhyme.

In there, you'll find it's changed  
and left behind a note:
"I'll never sing for you again, Although, pertaining to my being monomaniacal, perhaps not -- considering this repetition of the final line, the metaphor is further trashed. Again, think in terms of your metaphor: the heart sings, but the music box to which the heart is compared plays notes.
or play a single note."

[Wastrel]

To me, given the title, the poem is about someone with a ring inside a box, waiting to "pop the question" but is taking too long to ask it. The intended recipient of the ring is saying "don't play with my emotions, by the way- the answer is no".

I have a problem with vox. I think you need to find a different word.

Good luck with this!

[nibbed]

You've concealed 
my heart inside a music box
you'll only open 
once I've chimed a final vox.

In there, you'll find it's changed  
and left behind a note:
"I'll never sing for you again, 
or play a single note."




Hi, youi!
I like the rhythm of this poem and the form.
But is the box the one who left the note?
Could the box not handle the heart?
I would like to see only one note in this poem.
It certainly is making me think about things!

nibbed

[Youi]

I was unsure if I should have used vox! Can anyone show some suggestions, though? I hear a lot that the whole thing needs to be evolved.

[vagabond]

You've concealed me
in a precious music box
unfastened only
if I disengage the locks.               it´s logical that a thing only unfastens once the locks are disengaged. those two lines are don´t add to the content

In there, you'll find a broken facet             facet puzzles me a bit, not sure if a facet can break by itself (as it is always a part of a whole thing)
                                                                               and how can it be echoING if it is already broken?  but maybe i just miss a meaning of that word.
echoing a note,
plucking at discordant needles,
seeming overwrote.

V1

You've concealed 
my heart inside a music box
you'll only open 
once I've chimed a final vox.

In there, you'll find it's changed  
and left behind a note:
"I'll never sing for you again, 
or play a single note."

can´t really follow the metaphor with the music box, but the last line brings out the poem´s meaning i think

[Nabbit]

Hello Youi,

I think you lost some clarity in what you're trying to convey in the second edit of your poem. The first four lines are still clear to me, but the second part needs work. I have a hard time imagining what type of instrument you are describing. What is plucking the needles? What do you mean by facet?

However, I still get the idea these last four lines are about an abusive relationship, with one partner worn out from the repeated stressful demands of the other. It is just not as clear as before.

It is good that you are trying to avoid cliches in your poetry, but my advice is to not sacrifice clarity for it.