Third Draft: Sleepless

[Richard]

Third Draft:

Sleepless

Night was once welcomed.
Stars were happy dreamers
instead of additional onlookers,
politely silent about his tip-toe walk.

Darkness feels surgically attached
to my eyelids.
Rest
a specialist
reluctant
to make a diagnosis.

Why can't I stop thinking about his plush bear,
the one he never plays with?

Panic shoves me from bed-
Did you buy more of his favorite crackers?
He won't eat anything else for breakfast.
Silence answers
using the same tone
as when it speaks for him
daily.


Second Draft:

Sleepless

Eye-lids offer soft darkness,
at best, a failed distraction.
You can't stop thinking of your son's plush bear,
the one he never plays with.

Then your panic wakes up,
pushes you out of bed-
Did you buy more of his favorite crackers?
He won't eat anything else for breakfast.
Silence answers, using the same tone
as when it speaks for him.

Night was once welcomed.
The stars were happy dreamers,
but now they are additional gawkers
who watch his tip-toe walk.

First Draft:

Sleepless

Eye-lids give soft darkness,
looking too long is a failed distraction.
You can't stop thinking of your son's plush bear,
the one he never plays with.

Then you panic,
force your eyes open,
did you buy more of his favorite crackers?
He won't eat anything else for breakfast.

Night was once welcomed.
The stars were happy dreamers,
but now they are additional eyes
that stare at his tip-toe walk.



Original:

Sleepless

Eyes closed,
eye-lids give soft darkness.
Looking too long
reminds you of your son's plush rabbit,
the one he never plays with.

Eyes open,
the ceiling is an indifferent white
like the inside of an eye
not focused on you.
Where are his favorite crackers,
the ones he always eats for breakfast?

Night was once welcomed.
The stars were happy dreamers,
but now they are additional eyes
that stare at his tip-toe walk.

[rose]

Sleepless

Eyes closed,
eye-lids give soft darkness. I love the phrase "soft darkness"
Looking too long
reminds you of your son's plush rabbit, The mention of the rabbit here seems a bit random. Maybe include a more common thing children have, like a dog or a teddy bear.
the one he never plays with. Great foreshadowing the depressing mood. 

Eyes open,
the ceiling is an indifferent white I like the word indifferent, but what are you trying to convey with it? Is the speaker trying to not feel sad?
like the inside of an eye
not focused on you.
Where are his favorite crackers,
the ones he always eats for breakfast? I love how this question pops up. Its very relatable.

Night was once welcomed.
The stars were happy dreamers,
but now they are additional eyes Beautiful analogy 
that stare at his tip-toe walk. What does his tip-toe walk refer to? Given the quiet power of the poem the end is a little weak. I'dd play around will other closing lines.

[b]This poem has a really interesting mood. The topic is extremely depressing but the imagery and word chose used to address it is unemotional. This forces the reader to actively put themselves in the speakers place. Great work![/b]

[Keith]

Sleepless

Eyes closed, this as an opening isnt really grabbing me, not sure to read it as an instruction or a statement
eye-lids give soft darkness. this is a better line and it says the same as L1
Looking too long
reminds you of your son's plush rabbit, plush seem an odd word choice but I quite like quirky.
the one he never plays with. Seems ok as a hook but I dont see the follow up anywhere else ?

Eyes open, agian this line is weak doesnt add anything to the read other than instruction
the ceiling is an indifferent white I like this it gives a sense of tired apathy of the N
like the inside of an eye
not focused on you.
Where are his favorite crackers, Who's? the rabbits ?
the ones he always eats for breakfast? sorry if its just me but I'm confused, again I dont understand how I should be reading this line or its significance.

Night was once welcomed.
The stars were happy dreamers,
but now they are additional eyes I like the shift into a darker shade of being watched
that stare at his tip-toe walk. tip- toed ? but again.....why? I must be missing something

Hi Richard
I'm struggling to understand your intentions for the reader in this one, my take away is that, he is lying in bed trying to get to sleep and the weired thoughts keep popping into his head about nothing in particular. In the end he decides to get up quietly and walk around the house. So in summary as a premise I get it, I think but the imagery is a bit bland and the framework needs to be clearer so that the reader can engage with whats happening more. Sorry I cant be more positive, others may see something I dont and I havent read anyone elses feedback so I may be way off. The mood you create is working and is sustained by each stanza but the phrasing needs work. Ill keep checking in to see what this one is up to. Best Keith

[rose]

I thought the speakers son had died and they were trying not to think about their grief. I clearly may be way off.

Sleepless

Eyes closed, this as an opening isnt really grabbing me, not sure to read it as an instruction or a statement
eye-lids give soft darkness. this is a better line and it says the same as L1
Looking too long
reminds you of your son's plush rabbit, plush seem an odd word choice but I quite like quirky.
the one he never plays with. Seems ok as a hook but I dont see the follow up anywhere else ?

Eyes open, agian this line is weak doesnt add anything to the read other than instruction
the ceiling is an indifferent white I like this it gives a sense of tired apathy of the N
like the inside of an eye
not focused on you.
Where are his favorite crackers, Who's? the rabbits ?
the ones he always eats for breakfast? sorry if its just me but I'm confused, again I dont understand how I should be reading this line or its significance.

Night was once welcomed.
The stars were happy dreamers,
but now they are additional eyes I like the shift into a darker shade of being watched
that stare at his tip-toe walk. tip- toed ? but again.....why?

Hi Richard
I'm struggling to understand your intentions for the reader in this one, my take away is that, he is lying in bed trying to get to sleep and the weired thoughts keep popping into his head about nothing in particular. In the end he decides to get up quietly and walk around the house. So in summary as a premise I get it, I think but the imagery is a bit bland and the framework needs to be clearer so that the reader can engage with whats happening more. Sorry I cant be more positive, others may see something I dont and I havent read anyone elses feedback so I may be way off. The mood you create is working and is sustained by each stanza but the phrasing needs work. Ill keep checking in to see what this one is up to. Best Keith

[Keith]

I thought that at first Rose but ......The one he never plays with, is current tense so he's alive

[ellajam]

I thought that at first Rose but ......The one he never plays with, is current tense so he's alive

Often our dead don't have quite the same resistance to mixed tenses as we do.

[Keith]

I thought that at first Rose but ......The one he never plays with, is current tense so he's alive

Often our dead don't have quite the same resistance to mixed tenses as we do.

Too true and I should not have assumed, sorry Rose, Richard should be the one to clarify your comment. Now back to Richards poem as we are in IC and others will want to comment.

[Richard]

Hey all,
This is all very interesting stuff I'm reading. I've included a spoiler below. I think it might clarify things a bit, but that makes me think I might need to work this since it seems like my purpose wasn't achieved.

The speaker in the poem is thinking about his son. However, the son isn't dead, but is autistic. Each stanza mentions a symptom until getting to a more severe one (the tip-toe walking). It's dealing with this that causes the speaker's sleepless state. Like I said above, I think this one might need some reworking to make it clearer.

Thanks again,
Richard

[illya_v]

Hi Richard, this poem has interesting, novel imagery, especially the middle lines in the last stanza. After my first reading I wasn’t sure what to make of the subject and meaning, so I read other critiques to get a sense of what other’s sensed. In my 1st poetry class I really enjoyed classroom workshops because I was new to the craft and I learned how to read them better and look for subtleties and poetic devices from classmates. Like Rose, I thought the son was deceased, but Keith made a good point to the contrary. I haven’t looked at the spoiler link yet, but the wording (second person) makes me believe the speaker is sleepless because the son is sleepless (or at least mischievous at night), causing the speaker to be worried about his/ her spouse being worried about the son while also worried about the son himself/ herself. The repetitive use of “you” made me think this.

 
In the 1st stanza, I would suggest considering changing give to "reflect" or maybe "shield."
 
In the 2nd stanza, I was irked by the implication that eyelids reflect white... don’t they reflect a reddish color? Reddish black? I think exploring changing plush to “red” or “stuffed red” in the 1st stanza provides the opportunity to come back to the color in the 2nd stanza and tie it into sleeplessness, stress, and anything else not yet explicit. Like red eyes lacking sleep. Though the cracker question is seemingly out of the blue, it’s logically explained at the end of the poem with ‘midnight snack’ automatically coming to mind.
 
The middle lines of the last stanza are beautiful, very powerful and a cool way to manipulate the environment to contribute to and enhance the mood and frame of mind. The revision will be interesting.

[Richard]

Hey all,
I made some changes to this one. Feel free to let me know if it's an improvement.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[Knot]

Hi Richard

Better for the revision I think, some suggestions:

Move S3 to the beginning, it offers a stronger opening I think.

Night was once welcomed.
The stars were happy dreamers,
but now they are additional eyes
perhaps 'watchers' for eyes, to avoid repetition with 'eye-lids'.
that stare at his tip-toe walk.


Eye-lids give soft darkness,
perhaps 'offer' for give'?
looking too long is a failed distraction.
You can't stop thinking of your son's plush bear,
the one he never plays with.
I think this should be 'I' rather than 'you' (for those of us that don't have sons, or plush bears, or both).

Then you panic,
force your eyes open,
'force open' doesn't seem to fit with sleeplessness.
did you buy more of his favorite crackers?
He won't eat anything else for breakfast.

It does feel like you're a verse short.
(Perhaps it could start with;
The ceiling is an indifferent [sky] ?)

Best, Knot.

[Richard]

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. I might need to let this one stew a bit before attempting another edit.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I've made some changes to this one, so feel free to let me know it's an improvement.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[Knot]

Hi Richard,
A few thoughts on the second draft:

Sleepless

Eye-lids offer soft darkness,              - perhaps 'bring' for offer?
at best, a failed distraction.               - Not really sure what purpose the first two lines serve.
You can't stop thinking                     - line break here
of your son's plush bear,
the one he never plays with.

Then your panic wakes up,
pushes you out of bed-                     - without the spoiler 'panic' just seems an overreaction.
Did you buy more of his favorite crackers?
He won't eat anything else for breakfast.

Night was once welcomed.               - Why was night 'once welcomed' and what has changed?
The stars were happy dreamers,       - the switch to a more 'poetical' language is rather jarring.
but now they are additional gawkers - in addition to what/whom?
who watch his tip-toe walk.

Given the explanation you provide in the spoiler,
there doesn't seem to be sufficient here to distinguish
this worried parent/child relationship from any other
(lots of kids are 'fussy eaters', for instance).
I'm afraid I agree with Keith about this piece.

Best, Knot.

[Richard]

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. This one is still a work in progress.

Thanks again,
Richard

[jackjackjack]

Second Draft:

Sleepless

Eye-lids offer soft darkness,                                     I'm not keen on starting any poem without opening with the subject, 
at best, a failed distraction.                                     in this case 'you'. This could be remedied by swapping sentences around perhaps. 
You can't stop thinking of your son's plush bear,        Or it might be an idea to join these two sentences with a conjunction?
the one he never plays with.                                   
 
Then your panic wakes up,                                      I like the idea of personifying 'panic' but I think it could be taken further here. What else could panic do?
pushes you out of bed-
Did you buy more of his favorite crackers?                
He won't eat anything else for breakfast.                   Nice detail, brings it home.
Silence answers, using the same tone
as when it speaks for him.                                       and everyone surely? why just him? this could be an opportunity to widen the focus of the poem.

Night was once welcomed.                                       like this, but why isn't night welcome anymore? not sure the previous stance has earned this entirely
The stars were happy dreamers,                               love this phrase
but now they are additional gawkers
who watch his tip-toe walk.                                      and this, but is the child wandering around at night? if so, why not have him wake Daddy up properly? 


hope this help at all, Jack

[nibbed]

Hi Richard. I am sorry I didn't get to your poem sooner.
I tried to post earlier and things got wonky on me.
Seems you've shined it up good, just a couple things
I noticed, to take or leave:


Sleepless

Eye-lids offer soft darkness,                                                     -The hyphen in eyelids is quite noticeable to me.
at best, a failed distraction.
You can't stop thinking of your son's plush bear,
the one he never plays with.

Then your panic wakes up,                                                      -I wondered how panic wakes up, isn't it always awake, alert?
pushes you out of bed-
Did you buy more of his favorite crackers?
He won't eat anything else for breakfast.
Silence answers, using the same tone
as when it speaks for him.

Night was once welcomed.
The stars were happy dreamers,
but now they are additional gawkers                                          -although I know you want to convey that the stars are also watching
who watch his tip-toe walk.                                                                                                the word additional seems clunky to me.



After reading your spoiler yesterday, I was happy I was
edging along on the right track. I hope my few
notations were helpful to you.


-nibbed

[Richard]

Hey Janine and jackjackjack,
Thanks for the feedback. I'm starting to think this one might be part of something bigger, but when I put it all together, something doesn't seem right. There will definitely be another version at some point.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I've made some changes to this poem. I really experimented with the second stanza. Feel free to let me know if it's an improvement.

Thanks in advance,
Richard