Rhyme on a Short Skirt on Dancefloor

[rollingbrianjones]

Rhyme on a Short Skirt on a Dancefloor
 
There are some things I’d take,
Yet far more things I won’t;
There are some things I want
Yet far more things I don’t.
Oh, but cert’nly my dear, I will promise you this;
Your dainty derriere I would passionately kiss,
And your hair, soft as silk, I would gently caress
With your shoulders I’d wrestle, releasing your stress.
Now, your legs I would stroke from the hip to the toe
And I’d take your left hand; trace your palm gently, slow.
But your heart and your mind
I think I’d leave behind.
Yes, you’re fairly nice looking, but stupid.

[CRNDLSM]

I get the super specific titles are of personal taste. Reminds me of taxonomy. I actually appreciate this one saying rhyme though, because the last line is so disappointing to the flow, fitting to the subject matter, even if I think the narrators a jerk (focusing on looks then calling them stupid). I feel it would read a bit easier with a line break after the first four lines, and before the last three. In my opinion, pretty fun read

[Quixilated]

Hello Jones, this is funny, and the twist at the end, keeps the reader on their toes.      I think with some effort you could make it a bit more seductive if you wanted to, but perhaps that would detract from the humor of the piece.  In some places it seems a lovely thought sacrificed a better phrasing for the sake of the rhyme.  Just a few suggestions below.

Rhyme on a Short Skirt on a Dancefloor
 
There are some things I’d take,   the rest of your poem consists of rather solid rhymes, the first rhyme should set the pace, but instead is a rather soft sketchy rhyme.  I'd prefer if you begin with the second set, "some things I want" etc. and then the lines about "things I'd take" after that, but with a better rhyme.  You could do take/hate, or keep/delete.  Honestly, it would also work if you simply begin with line three and go from there, because the first two sets of lines basically say the same thing.   
Yet far more things I won’t;    
There are some things I want
Yet far more things I don’t.
Oh, but cert’nly my dear, I will promise you this; I don't see any reason for writing "certainly" that way, the rest of the poem has no dialect indicators or wonky words, so this one seems random and out of place.  If you are trying to keep rhythm, just take out  "oh."
Your dainty derriere I would passionately kiss,
And your hair, soft as silk, I would gently caress
With your shoulders I’d wrestle, releasing your stress. "wrestle" seems out of place here, too rough to be seductive, try something like "then your shoulders I'd rub" or even "next my hands on your shoulders ..."
Now, your legs I would stroke from the hip to the toe
And I’d take your left hand; trace your palm gently, slow. Instead of "and I'd" try "then take ..." Also, you already have "gently" above, perhaps try "then take your palm in my hand, and trace circles, slow."  or something like that.
But your heart and your mind
I think I’d leave behind. try "I would leave behind"
Yes, you’re fairly nice looking, but stupid.  

I hope something in all that was helpful.

--Quix

[Missy]

Hi,

I liked this poem, so good job C: I thought it was sort of humorous as well, but I also think it could read better if there wasn't so much punctuation in the middle, unless, of course, that is what you were going for. When I read it, the punctuation actually distracts me because it seems to be everywhere. But maybe that's just me.

Anyways, I'll post some of my thoughts on the lines C:




There are some things I’d take,
Yet far more things I won’t;
There are some things I want
Yet far more things I don’t. <---- I liked these lines, but again, maybe take out the punctuation, it feels like there's too many
                                               comas and semi-colons and periods

Oh, but cert’nly my dear, I will promise you this;
Your dainty derriere I would passionately kiss,
And your hair, soft as silk, I would gently caress
With your shoulders I’d wrestle, releasing your stress. <---- like someone else said, I think you should change the word 'wrestle' it doesn't
                                                                                     really fit with the poem's meaning
Now, your legs I would stroke from the hip to the toe
And I’d take your left hand; trace your palm gently, slow.
But your heart and your mind
I think I’d leave behind.
Yes, you’re fairly nice looking, but stupid <---- I thought the word 'stupid' sort of took away from the poems humor, like it sounded really
                                                                  blunt and harsh. Also the word 'nice' maybe you should change that word as well it didn't
                                                                  really flow for me.

Anyways, good work on this C:

[billy]

you have more than one inverted pieces of syntax which forced the rhyme. excess words and any ckiche. sort these problems out and the poem will improve no end.

Rhyme on a Short Skirt on a Dancefloor
 
There are some things I’d take,
Yet far more things I won’t;
There are some things I want
Yet far more things I don’t.
Oh, but cert’nly my dear, I will promise you this;
Your dainty derriere I would passionately kiss, inverted syntax to fit the rhyme weakens it. [I would passionately kiss Your dainty derriere] use something instead of weak [this]
And your hair, soft as silk, I would gently caress
With your shoulders I’d wrestle, releasing your stress.
Now, your legs I would stroke from the hip to the toe
And I’d take your left hand; trace your palm gently, slow.
But your heart and your mind
I think I’d leave behind.
Yes, you’re fairly nice looking, but stupid.

[rollingbrianjones]

Thanks for all of these comments- all very useful and made my head spin a bit with where to start! I'm going to have a rewrite taking on board quite a bit of that ^^ Will then post.
There's comments from all I'm taking into account- lots from Quixilated as those criticisms were most in line with my own thinking once I looked at it properly (I tend to write things in a flurry as I like to read them, then leave them in distaste of reading my own work). Need to become a more practiced editor and perhaps learn to read in a way other than my own archaic, sarcastic and sometimes convoluted way). Watch this space!

In terms of where I insecurely feel the need to explain myself ():

CRNDLSM yeah, the titles are always very literal. I think this is subconscious acceptance of my confused poetic wandering and heavy influence from older poets throughout almost everything I write, so I guess I desperately try to get some meaning across to modern readers straight away in a very lazy way. Need to work on doing that in the content, and coming up more creative titles, no doubt. Old habits.
And yup the narrator is a total jerk, but it's written in jest from the point of view of myself some time ago, when, sadly, I was that person 3/4 nights a week...

Q- most of what you say I am looking at when revising. Regarding the line length/syllables in places, it's just how I read the poem out loud.

Missy - I start all my lines with capitals unless I really want to emphasise something... and I punctuate like a trooper. Just something I do. Probs stems from thinking I was some sort of Lord Byron 10 years ago, I've actually written very little since I was a lot younger. Not for everyone (or anyone )... prob something I need to take on board, now highlighted several times on this site. Wrestle is super awkward gonna change it. Nice and stupid are deliberately used to emphasise the sad, banal mentality and reality of that last line and thus the poem's meaning on the whole.

Billy - yup the inversions are purely to rhyme I'm not always totally against doing that, espesh when only in a semi-serious poem- poetry isn't prose, it isn't for business, I do feel you have poetic license to piss about with these things a little, so long as you do know you are doing it (in theory, that sounds pretty snobby, if you can do it knowing you do it, you can't criticise people if they don't know!). But, in this case, after your comment, I hated it and am gonna change it

TY all will post an update.

[litQueen]

Rhyme on a Short Skirt on a Dancefloor
 
There are some things I’d take,
Yet far more things I won’t;
There are some things I want
Yet far more things I don’t. ---------------These first four lines make it seem like the poem is going to be a little  "deeper" than it is... This may have caused me being appalled on first read.
Oh, but cert’nly my dear, I will promise you this; ------ "cert'nly my dear"  - the apostrophe and the "my dear" turns the poem a little more playful and is a nice segway to the rest of the lines.
Your dainty derriere I would passionately kiss,
And your hair, soft as silk, I would gently caress
With your shoulders I’d wrestle, releasing your stress.
Now, your legs I would stroke from the hip to the toe ---- "the toe" The "the" adds a little extra.. It's good!
And I’d take your left hand; trace your palm gently, slow. - "Trace your Palm gently, slow" seems really romantic and intimate.. The rest of the physical description is a little more rough and "no strings" description if that makes sense... More like a hook up, so it doesn't really match...
But your heart and your mind
I think I’d leave behind.
Yes, you’re fairly nice looking, but stupid.

I love this! My first read I was slightly appalled, but I gave it a few more chances and it is quite clever.
Thanks!

[18sawe]

Hi rollingbrianjones,
I like your poem - it's got a great plot twist at the end, but it's the rhythm in the poem that I think needs a bit of work. 

Rhyme on a Short Skirt on a Dancefloor
 
There are some things I’d take, In this line I think you should have more syllables, for example There are some things I'd like to take, which then makes the poem flow better.
Yet far more things I won’t;
There are some things I want
Yet far more things I don’t. The repetition and rhyme here is good!!
Oh, but cert’nly my dear, I will promise you this;
Your dainty derriere I would passionately kiss, Lovely language!
And your hair, soft as silk, I would gently caress
With your shoulders I’d wrestle, releasing your stress. Wrestle is a bit of an awkward adjective to use here, the connotations are more physical, where I gather you mean massaging, so replacing wrestle with something like rub, or massage, and then extend the "I'd" into "I would" to let the poem have a natural flow.
Now, your legs I would stroke from the hip to the toe
And I’d take your left hand; trace your palm gently, slow. 
But your heart and your mind
I think I’d leave behind.
Yes, you’re fairly nice looking, but stupid. This ending is amusing, but it's a little bit awkward compared to the structure of the rest of the poem. Perhaps rewriting the last three lines into a couplet with more syllables than what you have here would make it a little less disjointed. Fairly nice looking sort of contradicts the rest of your poem as well, so maybe a more fitting phrase could be used. Using stupid is a great adjective, it ends the poem well, and is abrupt which I think suits the poem to a tee. 
This is a great poem - keep up the awesome work!

[Szczepan]

Hey. What do I know? I like the jarring nature of the last line. Kinda whisks you right out of, uh, your daydreaming....

My main comments involve the word "far".

There are some things I’d take,
Yet far more things I won’t; <<< remove it and have just "Yet more things I won’t"?
There are some things I want
Yet far more things I don’t. <<< remove it and have just "Yet more things I don’t"?
.....
But your heart and your mind
I think I’d leave behind. <<< "I'd leave far behind"

somethin' like that. Just one person's thoughts....

Other than that, please listen to folks who know better about "inversion" (new term to me) but if you're going for it, maybe go for it completely with:
"Your derriere dainty I would passionately kiss" (switching the "d" words)

[nibbed]

I was thinking it really needed a serious title change.
Telling a gal she's stupid, (or making her feel like she is) well, that's
the worstest!


Hope you have the bestest day.

janine

[Szczepan]

I was thinking it really needed a serious title change.
Telling a gal she's stupid, (or making her feel like she is) well, that's
the worstest!


Hope you have the bestest day.

janine

Good point, of course... but ... on the other other hand...

... Maybe something like "vapid" is something OP is looking for?
Anyway I get the feeling that his intent is to comment on shallowness (which occurs in either gender despite their outer layer) & nothing more sinister.
I could be off but that's my impression.

[67eager]

Your poem is a very fun and unique read. You seem to have cleverly divided the poem into three sections: The first is where you describe your psychology, aka 'there are some things...', the second part consists of you describing the dancer, and the third completely contrasts the description, with a dismissal of her all important soul. The deliberately horrible sounding 'stupid' places a lot of emphasis on the distaste, and also ties really well with the first section of the poem ie 'far more things I won't'. But there are definately some improvements that you could make to the poem:

Rhyme on a Short Skirt on a Dancefloor--------------> Instead of 'on a', I believe 'of the' would make the title seem a lot more epic, and similar to all the other great poems who have 'rhyme as a title.

There are some things I’d take,
Yet far more things I won’t;---------> Full stop would make the above statement appear more definate.
There are some things I want
Yet far more things I don’t.
Oh, but cert’nly my dear, I will promise you this;-------> This should be a new stanza, Right up until 'all the way, slow'. I think the spelling of 'cert'nly is actually quite effective. It sound like the accent of a seedy cockney.
Your dainty derriere I would passionately kiss,---------->nice alliteration here
And your hair, soft as silk, I would gently caress--------> Perhaps a more original similie could be employed?
With your shoulders I’d wrestle, releasing your stress.-----> 'Wrestle' sounds both awkward and ambiguous
Now, your legs I would stroke from the hip to the toe
And I’d take your left hand; trace your palm gently, slow.
But your heart and your mind-------> Again, I would turn this into a stanza of its own.
I think I’d leave behind.
Yes, you’re fairly nice looking, but stupid.

[rollingbrianjones]

Thanks all for the comments... most of the awkward bits are designed to be just that... mirroring the described situation.

No women were told of or made to feel stupid, don't worry - it's just a snapshot of an empty situation that was oh so very common once upon a time!

I was thinking it really needed a serious title change.
Telling a gal she's stupid, (or making her feel like she is) well, that's
the worstest!


Hope you have the bestest day.

janine

[Joseph918]

I love the imagery in the poem and where it was going. I felt the passion in the lines but I got lost in the very last line though.

[chopblock]

I believe the poem would be stronger if the last line evoked a feeling of beauty that the woman expelled. This would make the "but stupid" a bit more shocking coming after a word like "gorgeous, beautiful, jaw-dropping, or show stopping". 

"Yes, you’re fairly nice looking, but stupid."