Second Edit: One Night Stand

[Richard]

Second Edit:

One Night Stand

Her home becomes the most inviting blanket
as I renew my acquaintance with night.

At dawn, our children ask for daddy,
you lie that I'm gone to the store, and I hate you for it.
I wake up next to her, and hate myself even more.

As I walk home, snow falls between sleeping grass:
greens dulled by time.
That same snow wets my face as I rehearse
the usual lines.

If only this was a one night stand,
then everything would be alright.

First Edit:

One Night Stand

At midnight,
I listen to the wordless judgements
of silence,
our children sleep,
you dream of things I'll never know,
her home becomes the most inviting blanket.

At dawn, silence shatters its gavel,
our children ask for daddy,
you lie that I'm gone to the store, and I hate you for it.
I wake up next to her, and I hate myself even more.

As I walk home, snow falls gently
in between sleeping grass:
vivid greens dulled by passing time.
White is the future, white as bones
lost in the snow that dared to bury
killing fields and death marches.
That same snow wets my face as I rehearse
the usual lines.

If only this was a one night stand,
I think, standing outside our home,
then everything would be alright.


Original:
One Night Stand

At midnight, silence shrieks,
children sleep,
most adults dream,
her home becomes the most inviting blanket.

At dawn, silence stops,
children yawn,
some adults return to life,
I awaken next to her, more alone.

[alonso ramoran]

Hi Richard, few nitpicks

One Night Stand

At midnight, silence shrieks, solid opener
children sleep, Maybe switch sleep and dream. I can see a child dreaming more then I could see an adult, just my opinion though.
most adults dream,
her home becomes the most inviting blanket.

At dawn, silence stops, You could probably breathe more life into this stanza by taking out the comma at the end of this line and adding in in what way the silence stops, using that to transition into children yawning and adults beginning their day.
children yawn,
some adults return to life, I feel like you could explain more explicitly what it is adults do in the morning to help them start their day here
I awaken next to her, more alone.

Pretty solid rough draft. Good luck with it and thank you for the read.

[Knot]

Hi Richard.
I think this reduces to just the title and last line (which might prove very effective);
or else it is the last line that should be the starting point.
Lines 2-7 seem to me to have little bearing on the subject.
('Awaken' rather than 'wake' gives the impression of trying too hard.)

Best,  Knot.

[vagabond]

One Night Stand

At midnight, silence shrieks,                                  can´t make sense of "shrieks". i d imagine something more positive (if it should hint towards the fear of getting caught i think that sentiment has no place in your poem)
children sleep,
most adults dream,                                                             i ´d leave out "most".. since the poem is about only two adults.
her home becomes the most inviting blanket.                maybe something like "strange blankets are inviting" (it isn´t, at least in the way i read it, the house that´s inviting)

At dawn, silence stops,                  i like "silence stops" it implies a peaceful feeling the night before . and also serves to show the abruptness of its end.
children yawn,
some adults return to life,                                      
I awaken next to her, more alone.                 this line seems a little too obvious.. and also it contrasts her returning to real life in the line before with the subject feeling alone (which is real, too) .  



 it´s implied the children in this poem are not the subject´s,   this would make the mother´s home an improbable location for a one-night stand.. but maybe it´s just me distracted by that.

[Todd]

Hi Richard,

A couple comments for you.

One Night Stand

At midnight, silence shrieks,--I'm not a fan of shrieks here. I can see what you're getting at. There's an uncomfortableness to the silence. There's an idea of potential regret in it. I sort of like the contrast of the words. It just doesn't feel like quite the right word.
children sleep,--This works for me if the children are intended to be read in the home and not read as some generic children across the country or as even the speaker's own possible children somewhere else.
most adults dream,--I think you could cut both lines about adults.
her home becomes the most inviting blanket.--I do like the imagery of this line. I stopped for a moment on home though. Is it her home is the speaker hoping for a home--for roots for something more lasting? Or would it simply be her bed or her arms? It seems that this could be thematic--transient vs permanent.



At dawn, silence stops,--I get the symmetry. This seems here though mostly to avoid the dawn/yawn end rhyme.
children yawn,
some adults return to life,--Again possible cut.
I awaken next to her, more alone.Nice end line

There is a part of me that wants to savagely cut this. Here's where I see your poem.

At midnight,
her home becomes the most inviting blanket.
At dawn,
I awaken next to her, more alone.

~~

Just some thoughts.

Best,

Todd

[Richard]

Hey Todd, vagabond, Knot and alexorande,
I greatly appreciate all the feedback. I was a bit unsure about this one overall, but parts of it felt right to me. I think this is one of those times when I wasn't clear enough because I was trying too much to be poetic instead of focusing on what I wanted to truly say. You all gave me some ideas I plan on considering when I work on the next draft.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I went a bit overboard with the edit for this one. I realized what I wanted to say, and that I hadn't done a very good job of it in the first draft. The result is a longer poem that lives up to its title more. Feel free to let me know if this is an improvement.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[Todd]

Hi Richard,

I'm not sure if the revision is an improvement or not. It's so dramatically different. I'm going to treat it as a new first draft and not concern myself with what came before.

First Edit:

One Night Stand

At midnight,
I listen to the wordless judgements
of silence,--unnecessary line as wordless above implies silence. I do like that you listen to something wordlessly conveyed.
our children sleep,--might want an "as" here and maybe a period instead of a comma with the change.
you dream of things I'll never know,--this reads a bit odd as we're shifting quickly to the partner's dreams while it's the children sleeping. A bit abrupt to get here.
her home becomes the most inviting blanket. --the wordless judgements gets you here. You may not need the partner's dreams to inform the decision. Alternatively, you could rephrase: making her home the most inviting blanket.

At dawn, silence shatters its gavel,--shatters its gavel reads a bit odd to me, maybe not others.
our children ask for daddy,--good specific detail
you lie that I'm gone to the store, and I hate you for it.--love the specific character interaction of this line. Tightly written.
I wake up next to her, and I hate myself even more.--a lot of I's in these last two lines. While it sort of works thematically. I'd possibly consider cutting the one before hate.

As I walk home, snow falls gently--This is an interesting image. The covering up/hibernating, white washing--sort of thoughts.
in between sleeping grass:--like sleeping grass quite a bit.
vivid greens dulled by passing time.--metaphor for the relationship at home that is being returned to. Nice
White is the future, white as bones--I understand this riffing on a color or a word. I don't personally like it here though. 
lost in the snow that dared to bury
killing fields and death marches.--I would favor cutting this line and the two above it.
That same snow wets my face as I rehearse--lovely phrasing here.
the usual lines.

If only this was a one night stand,--I like the ending a lot. There is one issue I'm having with it though, there are two ways that you could interpret the line (though maybe it really is only me) Here's the options: 1) it isn't just a one night stand because it's an ongoing affair. He can't just shake it off and it affects every aspect of his life here. 2) He is wishing that the house he now walks toward was the actual one night stand--so that he could disconnect from it better.
I think, standing outside our home,
then everything would be alright.

I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd

[vagabond]

First Edit:

One Night Stand

At midnight,
I listen to the wordless judgements
of silence,
our children sleep,
you dream of things I'll never know,
her home becomes the most inviting blanket.

At dawn, silence shatters its gavel,
our children ask for daddy,
you lie that I'm gone to the store, and I hate you for it.
I wake up next to her, and I hate myself even more.

As I walk home, snow falls gently
in between sleeping grass:
vivid greens dulled by passing time.
White is the future, white as bones
lost in the snow that dared to bury
killing fields and death marches.
That same snow wets my face as I rehearse
the usual lines.

If only this was a one night stand,
I think, standing outside our home,
then everything would be alright.


Original:
One Night Stand

At midnight, silence shrieks,
children sleep,
most adults dream,
her home becomes the most inviting blanket.

At dawn, silence stops,
children yawn,
some adults return to life,
I awaken next to her, more alone.

there´s something i miss in this poem´s content..
the mere description of betrayal isn´t the most interesting part in my opinion.. i ´d wonder about reasons.
but maybe it needs no explanation, love can seldom be explained.
i think your second version is clearer in some points.. but i can´t understand the third line of the second stanza.
hope this feedback is useful in some sort.

[Knot]

Hi Richard,
I agree with Todd about treating this as a new first draft, so...
I don't think the first stanza is clear enough
(for example, I'm not sure where the narrator (N) is),
nor am I convinced that it is needed at all.
If you begin the piece at S2, which I think conveys an awful lot with great economy,
I think you have a much stronger opening.
(Though I'd suggest cutting 'silence shatters its gavel')
S3 reads as being overwritten and could stand pruning.
For your consideration:
As I walk home, snow falls -
between sleeping grass,
greens dulled by time,
[a] future white as bone -
[and] wets my face as I rehearse
the usual lines.
Similarly for S4
If only this was a one night stand,
then everything would be alright.

Hope this is of some use

Best,  Knot

[Richard]

Hey Knot, vagabond, and Todd,
Thanks for the feedback. You all gave me some wonderful points to think about with moving forward with this piece.

Thanks again,
Richard

---

Hey all,
I got an idea while rereading the critiques, to I ending up doing an edit of this quicker than I expected. I did some pruning as suggested, so feel free to let me know if this is an improvement.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[Todd]

Richard,

This feels stronger to me. Some comments:

Second Edit:

One Night Stand

Her home becomes the most inviting blanket
as I renew my acquaintance with night.--I like the tighter lead-in. I think it launches us right from the title.

At dawn, our children ask for daddy,--Perhaps replace our with my (clearly there is an our but it's a bit of an abrupt shift from S1).
you lie that I'm gone to the store, and I hate you for it.
I wake up next to her, and hate myself even more.

As I walk home, snow falls between sleeping grass:--possibly blades of sleeping grass.
greens dulled by time.
That same snow wets my face as I rehearse
the usual lines.

If only this was a one night stand,
then everything would be alright.

No other real call outs on this version. 

Best,

Todd

[Richard]

Hey Todd,
Thanks for the feedback. I was curious if the reworked first stanza was effective, so it's nice to hear some thoughts on that. I think I'm almost there with this one.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Knot]

Richard,
reads a lot better (stronger and more coherent).

I wonder if you might tighten S1 further;
Her home, the most inviting,
as I renew my acquaintance
with the night.
(I think changing the line breaks gives a bit more to the piece)

In S2 would quoting the 'wife' work?  As in;
you lie, 'he's [just] gone to the store',
and I hate you for it.         
(Again, I think adjusting the line lengths in this stanza would help.)

Bit of a cut 'n' paste suggestion for S3, but;
As I walk home, snow falls,
blankets the sleeping grass,
wets my face, as I rehearse
the usual lines.

I think the tragic self-delusion of the final stanza works very well.

Best, Knot.

[Richard]

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. I think I might let this one sit for a bit now before attempting another edit, but you did give me something to think about when it comes to structure/line length.

Thanks again,
Richard