Death’s a leggy Usherette,
short-skirted, jacket double-breasted,
pillbox cap set at a saucy slant.
Follow her dim flashlight—
and, in truth, firm twinkles
of her gleaming gams—
down long declining aisles
to a place assigned,
hand clutching saffron popcorn,
candy safely pocketed.
Previews run,
outlasting food and breath;
fall buttered into sleep anointed,
jumbo soda tumbling, last thought
not Our Feature Presentation but
those crisply crossing thighs.
Death—lovely concept to assuage
the sameness of our immortality,
you grinning, hidden Manager!
I’ll bet you take her home
after work.
Leading Light
Hooded phantom with a scythe?
Don’t be silly!
Death’s a leggy Usherette, hot-pantsed,
short jacket double-breasted,
pillbox cap set at a saucy slant.
Follow her dim flashlight—
and, in truth, firm twinkles
of her gleaming gams—
down long declining aisles
to a place assigned,
arms full of buttered popcorn,
Good&Plenty safely pocketed.
Previews run,
outlasting food and breath;
fall into sleep anointed,
jumbo soda tumbling, last thought
not of Feature but
those crisply crossing thighs.
Death—what a concept
to assuage the boredom of
our binding immortality!
You hidden Manager, I’ll bet
you take her home
after work.
Alternate title: "The Vision of the Pensioner," which unfortunately doesn't work in American English.
As a first cut, are the first two lines necessary?
(10-02-2017, 08:05 AM)dukealien Wrote: Leading Light
Hooded phantom with a scythe? Being that this take on death is pretty fresh, I don't think you need to start the poem with these first two lines. All that they really do is add a sense of lightheartedness to the poem, which is kinda already there in the tone of the poem, and even though you're well aware of the cliched portrayal of death in the first line, it's still a cliched image to start the poem with.
Don’t be silly!
Death’s a leggy Usherette, hot-pantsed, I get that Death's pants is looking pretty sensual, but maybe something more descriptive and specific than hot would work better.
short jacket double-breasted,
pillbox cap set at a saucy slant.
Follow her dim flashlight—
and, in truth, firm twinkles
of her gleaming gams— Disregarding "hot-pantsed", I'm liking this description of death, very intriguing. "saucy slant" and "gleaming gams" provides a good use of alliteration and an even better use of describing death's sensuality.
down long declining aisles
to a place assigned,
arms full of buttered popcorn,
Good&Plenty safely pocketed. Maybe Good&Plenty should be written Good & Plenty? It was a bit of a distraction for me, with the words being bunched together.
Previews run,
outlasting food and breath;
fall into sleep anointed, maybe "an anointed sleep" sounds better, and you could possibly throw in popcorn butter when using anointed, otherwise I'm taken out of this metaphor and I'm thinking of some religious ceremony.
jumbo soda tumbling, last thought
not of Feature but
those crisply crossing thighs.
Death—what a concept
to assuage the boredom of
our binding immortality!
You hidden Manager, I’ll bet
you take her home
after work.
I'm still thinking of what the ending could mean. I'm thinking that the manager at this theater hates his job and this job is his peak in life, so taking Death home with him after work is a way of saying how he'll off himself. Whatever the ending means, I like it. I think it's pretty thought provoking.
Alternate title: "The Vision of the Pensioner," which unfortunately doesn't work in American English.
why doesn't it work well in English? I think it's a pretty good title, in fact, even better than the one you chose
As a first cut, are the first two lines necessary?
@alexorande - I shall strenuously resist temptations to explain this poem. But while awaiting other critiques, if any, I'll explain the problem with the alternate title, as I see it.
"Pensioner" has a specific meaning and image in British English: older man and/or woman receiving old-age pension, not particularly healthy, has a small garden and doesn't much care for the way the world is going. Perhaps frequents bingo clubs as well as cinemas.
If you disregard Americans who read British literature and ephemera, the word simply has no meaning in the US. Most Americans would scratch their heads and deduce that it means someone who "does" pensions, not gets one. Although American Social Security is much like British old age pension, we have no one word for its recipients; we use the typically roundabout and obfuscatory "seniors" or "senior citizens" for all older people, with unsubtle digs like "gray panthers" and "pink-hairs" available at need when we don't bravely say "old farts" or "geezers."
That's what I mean by "Pensioners" not working in American English. I may well be underestimating the range of American vocabulary, but that's the kind of snotty old geezer I happen to be .
(10-02-2017, 08:05 AM)dukealien Wrote: Leading Light
Hooded phantom with a scythe?
Don’t be silly!
Death’s a leggy Usherette, hot-pantsed,
short jacket double-breasted,
pillbox cap set at a saucy slant.
Follow her dim flashlight—
and, in truth, firm twinkles
of her gleaming gams—
down long declining aisles
to a place assigned,
arms full of buttered popcorn,
Good&Plenty safely pocketed.
Previews run,
outlasting food and breath; i like this opposition: while G&P is pocketed food and breath run out (or is the popcorn in the usherette´s pockets.. if she even has some)
fall into sleep anointed, in the poem´s context i don´t quite see how the sleep became anointed. probably i just don´t get it but maybe it could be left out.
jumbo soda tumbling, last thought
not of Feature but there´s the cliche of that movie that last runs which comes to mind here.. can´t quite fit it in though, so if you meant feature to signify something else maybe it needs to be clearer
those crisply crossing thighs.
Death—what a concept
to assuage the boredom of
our binding immortality! is this a change of subject (s)?
You hidden Manager, I’ll bet change again? i´m a little confused
you take her home
after work.
Alternate title: "The Vision of the Pensioner," which unfortunately doesn't work in American English.
As a first cut, are the first two lines necessary?
the second half of your poem pulls the reader out of the dreams.
i´m not quite sure where the usherette came from in that context.
first i thought about the manager being something like god, but then it would also fit to really let him be a pension fund manager, i bet he finds death sexy (at least in statistics).
Death’s a leggy Usherette,
short-skirted, jacket double-breasted,
pillbox cap set at a saucy slant.
Follow her dim flashlight—
and, in truth, firm twinkles
of her gleaming gams—
down long declining aisles
to a place assigned,
hand clutching saffron popcorn,
candy safely pocketed.
Previews run,
outlasting food and breath;
fall buttered into sleep anointed,
jumbo soda tumbling, last thought
not Our Feature Presentation but
those crisply crossing thighs.
Death—lovely concept to assuage
the sameness of our immortality,
you grinning, hidden Manager!
I’ll bet you take her home
after work.
Thanks to both critics, some of your criticisms addressed and (I hope) questions answered.
Without, however, explaining
Terms I thought were common, now removed:
"hot pants" - short-shorts as fashion wear, 1970s-1980s
"Good&Plenty" (sic) - American confection sold in small boxes, often at cinemas... pink or white hard candy over black licorice, for the Symbolists
higher testosterone levels can increase hair loss.. and maybe also have an influence on the specifics of visions about death.. that´s just my associations with your new title, i doubt that was intended. still, maybe useful as feedback.
i noticed the capitalized "Our", didn´t quite know what to do with it though.
dukealien.
Enjoyed the humour and the setting.
The first two lines led me to expect a rhyming piece (which I think would work well).
You could probably drop 'at' in L3,
Why 'in truth' rather than simply 'the'?
I agree with alexorande that L13 should be more along the lines of
fall into butter anointed sleep.
I'd suggest cutting the final/second stanza. Ending on 'thighs' packs more of a punch.
I don't think the title helps you here. But given the cinema/film context you've a lot to play with.
(Personally I like 'Our Feature Presentation').
I felt I ought to comment, not to make any recommendations as I believe your level of poetry far exceeds my simple ditties, but to let you know how much I enjoyed it. This is the type of work I aspire to be able to write. I better get practising. In my opinion, no changes needed.
(10-08-2017, 01:46 AM)ClaireLou Wrote: I felt I ought to comment, not to make any recommendations as I believe your level of poetry far exceeds my simple ditties, but to let you know how much I enjoyed it. This is the type of work I aspire to be able to write. I better get practising. In my opinion, no changes needed.
That no one [else] seems to have quite got what I was trying to say (still not telling, though) shows this work is not so hot, really.
@all recent critics and commenters: thanks for your help. The idea of separating the second stanza from the first, perhaps as a poem in its own right, is intriguing... I actually wrote a bit of stand-alone doggerel trying to make its point, and that was well-received locally. Still holding out for the two stanzas being related[em dash]somehow.
Non-practicing atheist
.
