Version 3: You & I

[ClaireLou]

Everyday, if just for a moment,
you make me smile.

Not friends, sisters,
not of blood, of heart,
wrapped in blotting paper,
steeped in ink.

We may be older
but we have fought pirates,
buried treasure,
believed in fairies.

Our secrets sealed in a box
at the bottom of the garden,
silent, safe.

I remember
each tear shed,
a stream forever
surging through my veins.

---



I wrote this for my friend of over 30 years so I feel I'm allowed to be a little sappy

You make me smile,
everyday, if just for a moment
I think of you.

Not friends but sisters,
not of blood, of heart,
a part of each others memories,
wrapped in blotting paper,
seeped with ink.

We may be older
but we have fought pirates,
buried treasure
& believed in fairies.

You know my secrets,
they are sealed in a box
at the bottom of the garden,
silent, safe.

I will always remember
each tear shed,
a stream forever
surging through my veins.

My heart,
never hidden,
open to the sun,
forever to feel it's glow.

[Richard]

Hey ClaireLou,
I think this poem has some promise. However, as you noted in your into, it is sappy in spots. I hope I'm not to overbearing with some of my suggestions, but I do have some thoughts on how to edit this into a tighter poem:

I wrote this for my friend of over 30 years so I feel I'm allowed to be a little sappy

You make me smile,
everyday, if just for a moment
I think of you. -I would cut this stanza because it doesn't really say much to me as a reader.

Not friends but sisters,
not of blood, of heart,
a part of each others memories, -I would start the poem with this line and add "We are" at the start of it. I quite like the image here.
wrapped in blotting paper,
seeped with ink.

We may be older
but we have fought pirates,
buried treasure
& believed in fairies. -This stanza is fine and gives some layers to the speaker's relationship.

You know my secrets, -I would cut this line.
they are sealed in a box -I would change this to, "Our secrets sealed in a box".
at the bottom of the garden,
silent, safe.

I will always remember
each tear shed,
a stream forever
surging through my veins.

My heart,
never hidden,
open to the sun,
forever to feel it's glow. -I would suggest cutting the last two stanzas. It's obvious that you're trying to express how strong your friendship is, but it's done in a way that doesn't make it sound any different than any other valued relationship I've ever read about. The middle three stanzas I suggested keeping are the most interesting parts of the poem, and give the relationship some intrigue. 

I hope this didn't seem too harsh for a basic critique. I do think you have some nice images here. You just need to focus on them in order to produce a stronger poem.

Cheers,
Richard

[thecraftycraven]

good poem overall with some cute images to think of but i would cut out the first stanza since there really is no need for it there. Everything else seems okay to me. Good job.

[Wastrel]

Hi ClareLou - Im reading your explanatory note as if it's part of the poem, and agree that as the speaker is addressing a friend she's known for 30 years, some sappiness is allowed ;-).

First of all - again with reference to the explanatory note, the word heart is repeated in the poem and every word is heart-felt. Quite honestly - and call me sappy- I haven't the heart to suggest the removal of a single word - only possibly to suggest that the poem ends with - "surging through my veins". The poem dis-proves the saying - "blood is thicker than water".

[ClaireLou]

Lol as long as it still has the same sappy meaning I am happy to make amendments, I havent handed to her yet so the more impressive I can make it the better Shes a very emotive person & your help is appreciated as this is not really the poetry I usually write! Thank you all.

[Huckleberry]

Hi,

I was not thrilled with the first version; my mistake, the changing of the first stanza makes a big difference.

In such a context, I would try to avoid negatives as

not of blood, of heart, (of blood more, rather...) may be that's me, and it's not my writing... Just a thought.

[ClaireLou]

Hi

I've removed the first line, I agree it didn't read right.   I am a little unsure as to how to amend the other line .... I wrote it this way because the person it is written for is not a blood relative but ever since we were small we & our families have always referred to us as sisters ie not of blood, of heart ..... to me "of blood" indicates more that they are physical family not chosen family ..... if that makes sense?  

Hi,

I was not thrilled with the first version; my mistake, the changing of the first stanza makes a big difference.

In such a context, I would try to avoid negatives as

not of blood, of heart, (of blood more, rather...) may be that's me, and it's not my writing... Just a thought.

[Wastrel]

Hi Claire-Lou, I think I disagree with Huckleberry about the 'not of blood'. It's not a negative at all. My vote is to keep it in. I like what you've done in the edit- you've improved the poem.

[ClaireLou]

Thank you.  I was struggling with how to amend it whilst still maintaining the idea of the overall poem.

Hi Claire-Lou, I think I disagree with Huckleberry about the 'not of blood'. It's not a negative at all. My vote is to keep it in. I like what you've done in the edit- you've improved the poem.

[Keith]

I really like the edit, you have a keeper here, I think the poem is clearer and it gave me that strong sense of a long true friendship and all the truck that is carried with that. I think the opening could be a little stronger, something that grabs the attention more but I dont have much to offer. The ending however I felt was spot on. Nice job, some comment below. Keith

You make me smile,
everyday, if just for a moment. (This is the real basis of the poem and the essence of what a friend should be, it just doesnt grab me but the only thing I could suggest would be to invert the line)

Everyday, if just for a moment,
you make me smile.

Not friends, sisters,
not of blood, of heart,
wrapped in blotting paper,
seeped in ink. (would steeped be more appropriate here? it could just be me)

We may be older
but we have fought pirates,
buried treasure,
believed in fairies. (soild stanza, it sets the time line and shows how close they are)

Our secrets sealed in a box
at the bottom of the garden,
silent, safe. (this covers trust and well, stuff you may have actually buried in the garden. I like this, a lot)

I remember
each tear shed,
a stream forever
surging through my veins. (Delightfull ending, no matter what happens well stay friend)

[ClaireLou]

Thank you.  I have made both amendments as recommended as I think they fit great.  

When I wrote it, I initially used the term "Seeped" as it is wrapped around the heart & although we do not share blood, we share so many words & emotions written together that the ink overflows.  I like "Steeped" though as an alternative as it represents "History" as in "Steeped in History" .... which probably works better & can be understood more easily.

I really like the edit, you have a keeper here, I think the poem is clearer and it gave me that strong sense of a long true friendship and all the truck that is carried with that. I think the opening could be a little stronger, something that grabs the attention more but I dont have much to offer. The ending however I felt was spot on. Nice job, some comment below. Keith

You make me smile,
everyday, if just for a moment. (This is the real basis of the poem and the essence of what a friend should be, it just doesnt grab me but the only thing I could suggest would be to invert the line)

Everyday, if just for a moment,
you make me smile.

Not friends, sisters,
not of blood, of heart,
wrapped in blotting paper,
seeped in ink. (would steeped be more appropriate here? it could just be me)

We may be older
but we have fought pirates,
buried treasure,
believed in fairies. (soild stanza, it sets the time line and shows how close they are)

Our secrets sealed in a box
at the bottom of the garden,
silent, safe. (this covers trust and well, stuff you may have actually buried in the garden. I like this, a lot)

I remember
each tear shed,
a stream forever
surging through my veins. (Delightfull ending, no matter what happens well stay friend)

[Knot]

Hi ClaireLou,
like the sentiment, and S3 and S4 particularly.
I think you could lose (just a bit of) the 'sappiness'
by some trimming and changing the order of the stanzas,
as in;

We may be older
but we have fought pirates,
believed in fairies,
buried treasure,

secrets sealed
in a [what type of?] box
at the bottom of the garden,
silent, safe.

Everyday,
[when I remember this?]
if just for a moment,
you make me smile.

'silent, safe' - doesn't do enough, I think, perhaps describe that part of the garden a bit more?
I'm not a fan of the title (I'm afraid), why not name the piece after your friend?

Best, Knot.