Version 2: You Need Me

[ClaireLou]

Your words mean nothing,
Simply the foam
that tops my morning coffee
disappearing with each sip.

Fingers tapping,
troll-like senses tingling
your tongue
turns the litmus paper red.

Hiding behind your keyboard,
reaction is your rush,
an adrenaline junkie 
craving your next fix.

You grasp at that
which others do not wish to hear,
ripping at sores.

But I will not rise,
I understand your pain,
a child alone in a playground.

[alonso ramoran]

Say what you wish
for your words mean nothing.      Maybe a semi-colon here since you are continuing the thought. While I think you could start off stronger, this seems fine
They are simply the foam
that tops my morning coffee
disappearing with each sip.         These three lines make me want a coffee. Nice job with this metaphor.

Fingers tapping furiously,
troll-like senses tingling haha                            
as your acid tongue
turns the litmus paper red. nice image, but i don't understand how this person has an acidic tongue if those words aren't coming from his mouth, but is instead being typed. Maybe you could do something like "If only your words were written on litmus paper, it'd turn red" but with better phrasing.

Hiding beind your keyboard,       missing an h in "beind"
reaction is your rush,
an andrenalin junkie                   e in "adrenalin" 
craving your next fix.

You grasp at that
which others do not wish to hear,
cutting at skin
pulling at broken limbs.

But I wil not rise,                extra l in "wil"
I understand your pain,
a child alone in a playground,
I know your secret.            Maybe cut this. If there is another secret besides the pain this troll carries i feel like it needs to be explained, otherwise it sounds like there is another secret you are alluding to that the reader is not aware of, specifically this reader haha. Good first draft, thank you for the read.

[ClaireLou]

OMG my typing is terrible! Thank you for your recommendations, I will look into it more tomorrow when my mind is focused & not just on sleep. PS the secret was the title .... I know your secret, you need me ..... obviously it needs work lol

[alonso ramoran]

I

OMG my typing is terrible!  Thank you for your recommendations, I will look into it more tomorrow when my mind is focused & not just on sleep.  PS the secret was the title .... I know your secret, you need me ..... obviously it needs work lol

Darnit of course that was the secret. I can be slow sometimes lol but if you wanna work on that last line that's totally up to you, that part of my critique was just me.

[Keith]

Hi Clairelou
I enjoyed the poem and its premise you have a solid frame to work with here and I look forward to seeing what changes you decide to make. Best Keith, some comments below.
S1
Opening is boring does nothing to get me hooked, then bam, great image solid metaphor, would you consider starting the poem with....Your words are simply the foam etc? I think that will tighten up the opening.

S2
I like the bat senses tingling ref but taking the reader into understanding this is a troll we are dealing with. You have to trust the reader more, you don't need the word acid we know what red is and acid tongue is cliche.

S3
Adrenaline junkie is cliche, you can do better.

S4
Nothing to add it works well shift what normally be a mental torment into physical one.

S5
I get the point they need us to feed on but this stanza needs some work maybe another kick ass metaphor to go out on a high.

Hope these help best
Keith

[Richard]

Hey ClaireLou,
I like the overall idea of this poem quite a bit. I'll go into more detail below:

Say what you wish -For some reason I feel like it should be "want" not "wish". I have no explanation other than personal preference.
for your words mean nothing.
They are simply the foam
that tops my morning coffee
disappearing with each sip. -I like the metaphor of the foam on the coffee for the words. It sums up their bittersweetness well.

Fingers tapping furiously, -How do you know the fingers are tapping furiously?
troll-like senses tingling
as your acid tongue
turns the litmus paper red.

Hiding beind your keyboard,
reaction is your rush,
an andrenalin junkie 
craving your next fix. -I love this stanza. You do a good job describing someone who "trolls" the internet.

You grasp at that
which others do not wish to hear,
cutting at skin
pulling at broken limbs. -This is my less favorite stanza, and I would suggest cutting it because, in my opinion, it doesn't add much to what you've said.

But I wil not rise,
I understand your pain,
a child alone in a playground, -I would suggest ending here. This is a strong image to end on, and the current last line seems a bit redundant to me.
I know your secret.

I haven't read all of your poems, but I've read a few. This one seems like the strongest to me so far. I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Cheers,
Richard

[cloud]

When I read this, I got that feeling of words mingling together in a sparkling cocktail; flowing and breaking together in a seamless manner. That's really the only reason why I come here, so thanks.

I'm a noob so I don't have much to critique but the last stanza.

But I will not rise, 
I understand your pain, meh... cliche
a child alone in a playground, this could be worded differently
I know your secret. I usually love awkward endings but this line should off itself

Keep it up please

[nibbed]

Say what you wish
for your words mean nothing.                   I would skip the first two lines ...your words are simply...
They are simply the foam
that tops my morning coffee
disappearing with each sip.

Fingers tapping furiously,
troll-like senses tingling
as your acid tongue                                    perhaps omit the acid to avoid redundancy?
turns the litmus paper red.

Hiding beind your keyboard,                        typo
reaction is your rush,
an andrenalin junkie                                     sp.
craving your next fix.

You grasp at that
which others do not wish to hear,
cutting at skin
pulling at broken limbs.

But I wil not rise,                                          sp.
I understand your pain,
a child alone in a playground,                      I want to put a colon here, then a space between the last two lines.
I know your secret.




Hi ClaireLou

I couldn't tell if the speaker felt animosity or camaraderie.
It made me wonder about secrets, think of a few of my own.
Thanks for taking me away, once again.

nibbed

[ClaireLou]

So many comments, I love it Thank you all for taking the time to go through my Poem. I have tried to tickle it to include the majority of the suggestions. Feel free to make more.