hope (edit)

[vagabond]

hope                                                         (edit: thanks Leanne, Todd, Tiger, Billy)

in a windstill night
it´s floating on the water,
my inflatable boat.
please do not sting.
i can´t swim.

hope

in a windstill night
hope is a boat
floating on the water,
an inflatable boat.
please do not sting.
i can´t swim.

[Leanne]

hope

in a windstill night -- love windstill
hope is a boat
floating on the water,
an inflatable boat. -- you could consider just inflatable here. I don't think you need the repetition of boat in such a short piece
please do not sting.
i can´t swim.

The thin premise of hope is very poignant -- it doesn't take much to destroy it. This is a lovely concept piece.

[Todd]

Good, tight piece. You could choose to simply condense more.

hope is a boat
floating on the water,
an inflatable boat.

to

hope is an inflatable boat
floating on the water.

It's a bit of a tradeoff because I like the simpler hope is a boat. Maybe Leanne's suggestion is better isolating the inflatable attribute.

Lovely first line.

[vagabond]

thanks very much, Leanne and Todd, for commenting. I´ll think about it and edit

[Tiger the Lion]

Nice short piece, Vagabond. Before reading the comments, I had somewhat the same thoughts as Todd. I also wondered about striking L3 as it's kinda what boats do.  

hope

in a windstill night
hope is a boat
floating on the water,
an inflatable boat.
please do not sting.
i can´t swim.

[billy]

after reading the feedback i can't add to it except to say with a small edit it can be a solid keeper.