Long Distance

[JMannUK]

Long Distance

I feel shit.
Just had a good night out hit 
and now it's the next day.
No hangover, just feeling this way.

Listening to Oasis;
I never listen to Oasis.
Messaged the missus, "i miss you",
she says, "dno why boo?".

Been 3000 miles away for 4 months
and she still doesn't miss me;
says she's "busy".
I reply, "yeah I guess so",
it just don't seem right though.

And now i feel more shit,
been latching onto other sad bits.
Getting all emotional for no reason,
feeling like a girl on her one week season.

Am ussualy calm and collective,
emoitionless, never need protecting.
But now i think i'm in a rut - a hole,
I've hit a wall. 
And now it's time to strut - to go,
to fly back home.

[Richard]

Hey JMannUK,
Welcome to the site  

I think you have a good idea here. You just need to add more poetic or figurative language to it. I'll go into more detail below:

Long Distance

I feel shit.
Just had a good night out hit 
and now it's the next day.
No hangover, just feeling this way. -I don't think the rhyming adds much to the poem, and I would suggest dropping most of it.

Listening to Oasis;
I never listen to Oasis.
Messaged the missus, "i miss you",
she says, "dno why boo?".

Been 3000 miles away for 4 months
and she still doesn't miss me; -I feel like you need some sort of metaphor or simile to better communicate this feeling.
says she's "busy".
I reply, "yeah I guess so",
it just don't seem right though.-Why? You should dive into the speaker's doubts more.

And now i feel more shit,
been latching onto other sad bits.
Getting all emotional for no reason,
feeling like a girl on her one week season. -This seems a bit sexist to me, but may be I'm being overly politically correct.

Am ussualy calm and collective,
emoitionless, never need protecting.
But now i think i'm in a rut - a hole, -How does the "hole" and "wall" represent the speaker's feelings? What feelings are they? I think you need to expand these images more.
I've hit a wall. 
And now it's time to strut - to go,
to fly back home.

I be curious to see where you take this piece from here.

Keep writing,
Richard

[ClaireLou]

Hi

Welcome to the site, just a few comments to start with on your poem if that's ok, don't worry too much about them, we all have different opinions on how things should be written, mine don't tend to be overly technical, I go more for image & how it flows:


Long Distance

I feel shit. (I'd go with "I feel like shit" rather than "I feel shit)
Just had a good night out hit
and now it's the next day.
No hangover, just feeling this way. (I'm not keen on the use of "Feel" in the first line & then "Feeling" in this line, maybe you should keep the "No Hangover" bit & add something that explains more of how you feel, it doesn't need to rhyme as at this stage its not adding anything)

Listening to Oasis;
I never listen to Oasis.
Messaged the missus, "i miss you",
she says, "dno why boo?". (I quite like this verse)

Been 3000 miles away for 4 months
and she still doesn't miss me; (Is there any way you can change this?  I think as it's in the verse above its already been said)
says she's "busy".
I reply, "yeah I guess so",
it just don't seem right though. (You could expand on this .... why don't you think she misses you, use an written image to show how you see this)

And now i feel more shit,
been latching onto other sad bits.
Getting all emotional for no reason,
feeling like a girl on her one week season. (Not keen on this line, then again I'm a girl so maybe I'm being touchy LOL)

Am ussualy calm and collective,
emoitionless, never need protecting.
But now i think i'm in a rut - a hole,
I've hit a wall.
And now it's time to strut - to go,(If you a feeling low because you are upset someone doesn't miss you would you "Strut"? Or is this because you are putting on a front?)
to fly back home.

[billy]

a couple of things that come to mind.

the opening line makes me see you as fondling shit. it works as is in sound because we can modulate. in text it reads to me as a little odd.

rhymes; make them work or don't use them is a general rule of thumb. don't force the rhyme as it seems that way with some of them. line 2 more so than elsewhere.

use a bit of imagery via simile or metaphor. and try not to use too many just's or and's etc to start a line.

spellings, keep your eye on them if people see you care about what you write they'll care about what you write. when i say spelling i mean in the body of the poem "usually" and "emotionless."

Long Distance

I feel shit.
Just had a good night out hit 
and now it's the next day.
No hangover, just feeling this way.

Listening to Oasis;
I never listen to Oasis.
Messaged the missus, "i miss you",
she says, "dno why boo?".

Been 3000 miles away for 4 months
and she still doesn't miss me;
says she's "busy".
I reply, "yeah I guess so",
it just don't seem right though.

And now i feel more shit,
been latching onto other sad bits.
Getting all emotional for no reason,
feeling like a girl on her one week season.

Am ussualy calm and collective,
emoitionless, never need protecting.
But now i think i'm in a rut - a hole,
I've hit a wall. 
And now it's time to strut - to go,
to fly back home.

[BW BRINE]

Overall I think it's a good start. You hit on some real feelings here. A lot of the rhyming feels forced and some of the language is unhelpful to what you're trying to say. Metre all over the place but that's not the end of the world for me for a poem like this.

Long Distance

I feel shit.I'm with Billy on this, sounds like you're touching shit. Might be a regional phrase (UK?)
Just had a good night out hit Don't know what this means, and perfect example of forced rhyme
and now it's the next day.
No hangover, just feeling this way.

Listening to Oasis;
I never listen to Oasis.
Messaged the missus, "i miss you",
she says, "dno why boo?".
I like this bit here.

Been 3000 miles away for 4 months
and she still doesn't miss me; Broken your form here, the metre is all off
says she's "busy".
I reply, "yeah I guess so",
it just don't seem right though.
I like the last two lines in this bit. Try and change around what's conveyed in the first half. I've been there, saying one thing but it doesn't feel right. Don't think it needs expanding as others have said; if you've felt it, you can't expand on it,
it's there and not much else.

And now i feel more shit,
been latching onto other sad bits.
Getting all emotional for no reason,
feeling like a girl on her one week season.
Could do without this whole section. Doesn't help the poem IMO

Am usually calm and collective,
emotionless, never need protecting. Bad near-rhyme
But now i think i'm in a rut - a hole,
I've hit a wall. 
And now it's time to strut - to go,
to fly back home.

Ending is a bit weird. Came out of left field really. Where were you anyway? Didn't realize you were at her place,
or somewhere other than home? I guess maybe you're the one that's long distance? Was uncertain til here. maybe that's one thing that you could work on for the piece, making clear to the reader who is long distance from whom. Expand on where you are and what you're feeling where you are perhaps.

-BW BRINE

[cloud]

A few things that stood out to me in particular
- your style is raw
- you're looking back in time
- its melancholy

I think its a good expression of self honestly.
I kinda thought I was reading someone's texts while looking over your poem