Version 2: Flying High

[ClaireLou]

What the hell! 
Write something meaningful?
All words mean something, don’t they? 
 
Or are they simply plucked from our minds
a gibberish jumble of phrases  
looking to be introduced to the Oxford ideal?

If others perceive my words
as riding on the back of a turtle 
whilst the rain surges towards the Sun 
and snow covers the ground,
do I really care?

I like cheesy rhymes with no distinct voice,
that offer choice, a rhythmic election
as to which direction
the readers imagination chooses to take flight. 
 
I like people not afraid to disagree,
Those you see standing together, 
forever circling the roundabout of hate
in a never ending circuit of broken dreams. 
 
Why must we all be that person 
who thinks, writes, believes the obvious? 
True, chocolate may mostly be sweet but
it is also bitter.
We can all fly like pancakes
on our way to someone’s plate. 


---

What the hell!
Write something meaningful?
All words mean something, dont they?

Or are they simply plucked from our mind,
A gibberish jumble of phrases
Looking to be introduced 
To the Oxford ideal.

If others perceive my words
To be riding on the back of a turtle
Whilst the rain flows towards the Sun
And snow covers the ground,
Do I really care?

I like cheesy rhymes with no distinct voice,
That offer choice, a rhythmic election
As to which direction
The readers imagination chooses to take flight.

I like people not afraid to disagree,
Those that see that standing together, 
Forever following the roundabout of hate
Whilst their hearts continue to be broken.

Why must we all be that person 
Who thinks, writes, believes in the obvious.
Chocolate may mostly be sweet but
It can also be bitter.
We can all fly like pancakes
On our way to someones plate.

[vagabond]

 
What the hell!
Write something meaningful?
All words mean something, dont they?

Or are they simply plucked from our mind,
A gibberish jumble of phrases
Looking to be introduced 
To the Oxford ideal.

If others perceive my words
To be riding on the back of a turtle
Whilst the rain flows towards the Sun
And snow covers the ground,
Do I really care?            that seems a rhetorical question...I mean, if you, posting it, were the poem´s subject..

I like cheesy rhymes with no distinct voice,
That offer choice, a rhythmic election           how does rhythm come with rhyme (per se)?
As to which direction
The readers imagination chooses to take flight.  and how do rhymes help imagination?

I like people not afraid to disagree,
Those that see that standing together,         probably just me but here I have a grammar problem, searching for what it is “those” do  or what it is “standing together” does.. or so.
Forever following the roundabout of hate
Whilst their hearts continue to be broken.

Why must we all be that person 
Who thinks, writes, believes in the obvious.
Chocolate may mostly be sweet but
It can also be bitter.                 hmm, believing in the obvious blindly (as is implied), we don´t all do that. and the fact that choc is bitter when not mixed with tons of sugar and fat, isn´t that kind of obvious as well?
We can all fly like pancakes
On our way to someones plate.       i probably don´t get that metaphor. if i try i d say pancakes do not always land where they´re supposed to.

[dukealien]

What the hell! grammatically, could also be a question mark - though fine as exclamation
Write something meaningful?
All words mean something, dont they? not to be pedantic, but "don't" wouldn't hurt.

Or are they simply plucked from our mind, implies a group mind; "minds" if each of us has one
A gibberish jumble of phrases fun use of "gibberish," effectively as an adjective rather than noun.  nice.
Looking to be introduced 
To the Oxford ideal.

If others perceive my words
To be riding on the back of a turtle perhaps "As" rather than "To be?"
Whilst the rain flows towards the Sun good place for a more striking phrase than "flows toward" here
And snow covers the ground,
Do I really care?

I like cheesy rhymes with no distinct voice,
That offer choice, a rhythmic election
As to which direction
The readers imagination chooses to take flight. the ambiguity of "readers" (between "reader's" and "readers'") is fun, but looks like an error

I like people not afraid to disagree,
Those that see that standing together, perhaps "who" for the first "that," just for variety
Forever following the roundabout of hate can you suggest being trapped in the roundabout with a more striking word than "following?"
Whilst their hearts continue to be broken. not to rewrite, but perhaps something like "With hearts breaking at each circuit"

Why must we all be that person modern colloquialism, well used ("Don't be that guy")
Who thinks, writes, believes in the obvious. is "in" necessary?  Maybe it is.
Chocolate may mostly be sweet but
It can also be bitter. suggestion:  "...may be mostly sweet/but also bitter"
We can all fly like pancakes
On our way to someones plate. delightful ending

Please don't take the above too seriously, your meaning is clear.  In basic critique, apparent minor grammatical errors may be intentional for mood or other purpose, but will be pointed out anyway in case they really weren't intended.

Someone has probably already pointed out that beginning each line with capitalization is not the fashion on this site.  I personally see little wrong with the practice.

This could be made to flow better with fewer words, but would then lose some of its charm.  Hard to advise; seek alternatives to "the" - more descriptive, or poetically deleted for flow.

[ClaireLou]

Hi  Thank you for your comments they are appreciated as always.  

Dukealien please do not worry, I take all opinions seriously but not in a bad way, I like to hear how people perceive what I have written.   If you have an idea on an improvement always feel free to share, if you don't I cannot learn & I love to learn

I will have a look at the poem again later, when I've got my head around it.  No excuses but the spelling etc bits are because I type quickly as the phrases come into my mind LOL & then I don't proof read .... very lazy .... it's a habit I need to get out of. I always put my first draft on the site so I can watch how it grows over time.  I have a terrible tendency to write my poems really quickly & then just go from there.  If I have to think to long & hard about the first attempt I figure that the flow is lost & it ends up being deleted!  

I also need to get out of the habit of putting a capital letter at the start of each line when it isn't needed ..... my little finger just hovers over that arrow & the temptation is just too much.

PS The ambiguity is deliberate, again further cause for interaction which is always fun

[Solstice]

It left me thinking that you were sending thoughts to far off destinations, where they might find a place far more suited than this. And, that we might never come down. And that the district might sleep alone tonight. Like a paper-thin hymn.

[ClaireLou]

Hiya

Thank you for your comments.  I've tried to answer the questions raised, hope it makes sense

 
What the hell!
Write something meaningful?
All words mean something, dont they?

Or are they simply plucked from our mind,
A gibberish jumble of phrases
Looking to be introduced 
To the Oxford ideal.

If others perceive my words
To be riding on the back of a turtle
Whilst the rain flows towards the Sun
And snow covers the ground,
Do I really care?            that seems a rhetorical question...I mean, if you, posting it, were the poem´s subject..  (Its a question I'm asking myself, do I care that people see my poetry differently from myself?)

I like cheesy rhymes with no distinct voice,
That offer choice, a rhythmic election           how does rhythm come with rhyme (per se) (To some, rhyme or rhythm brings forth the same connected feeling as it can do within music.  I think it was quoted as saying once that rhyme can be the musicality behind the words.  It was through rhyme that I initially got into poetry)
As to which direction
The readers imagination chooses to take flight.  and how do rhymes help imagination? (Its not so much that rhymes help the imagination, more as to how the readers imagination chooses to use the addition of rhymes within the piece & how they aid in how you & others perceive it)

I like people not afraid to disagree,
Those that see that standing together,         probably just me but here I have a grammar problem, searching for what it is “those” do  or what it is “standing together” does.. or so.
Forever following the roundabout of hate
Whilst their hearts continue to be broken.

Why must we all be that person 
Who thinks, writes, believes in the obvious.
Chocolate may mostly be sweet but
It can also be bitter.                 hmm, believing in the obvious blindly (as is implied), we don´t all do that. and the fact that choc is bitter when not mixed with tons of sugar and fat, isn´t that kind of obvious as well (I don't mind it being obvious, I was trying to think of something in the mainstream that can be sweet & bitter & chocolate fitted the bill, giving the opportunity for the sweeter eating chocolate & the bitter baking chocolate to be included)
We can all fly like pancakes
On our way to someones plate.       i probably don´t get that metaphor. if i try i d say pancakes do not always land where they´re supposed to. (No they don't, which is what I was trying to get at, we can all fly but we don't always all have to end up in the same place, just like how we see things may be different but it doesn't mean anyone is wrong, it's our individuality that makes us)

[alonso ramoran]

What the hell! This is a pretty strong intro, immediately grabs me.
Write something meaningful?
All words mean something, don’t they? 
 
Or are they simply plucked from our minds
a gibberish jumble of phrases  looking to be introduced I like the alliteration in this line, but I'm feeling as if the line needs to be split in two. It carries on a bit too long for me.
to the Oxford ideal?

If others perceive my words
as riding on the back of a turtle 
whilst the rain surges towards the Sun 
and snow covers the ground,
do I really care? Loving the whimsicality of this stanza.

I like cheesy rhymes with no distinct voice,
that offer choice, a rhythmic election
as to which direction
the readers imagination chooses to take flight. 
 
I like people not afraid to disagree,
Those you see standing together, 
forever circling the roundabout of hate
in a never ending circuit of broken dreams.. Why the ellipsis?
 
Why must we all be that person 
who thinks, writes, believes the obvious? 
True, chocolate may mostly be sweet but
it is also bitter.
We can all fly like pancakes
on our way to someone’s plate. 


---

What the hell!
Write something meaningful?
All words mean something, dont they?

Or are they simply plucked from our mind,
A gibberish jumble of phrases
Looking to be introduced 
To the Oxford ideal.

If others perceive my words
To be riding on the back of a turtle
Whilst the rain flows towards the Sun
And snow covers the ground,
Do I really care?

I like cheesy rhymes with no distinct voice,
That offer choice, a rhythmic election
As to which direction
The readers imagination chooses to take flight.

I like people not afraid to disagree,
Those that see that standing together, 
Forever following the roundabout of hate
Whilst their hearts continue to be broken.

Why must we all be that person 
Who thinks, writes, believes in the obvious.
Chocolate may mostly be sweet but
It can also be bitter.
We can all fly like pancakes
On our way to someones plate.

This was a pretty fun read. I read your response to one of the member's critiques about the pancakes bit and I agree with you BUT the poem gets pretty whimsical in some places for me to consider the realistic scenario of pancakes landing on a plate, and how it could be a mess; it's also the way it's worded, with pancakes "flying". I like the sentiments behind the ending, but I think it could be expressed just a tad bit better. Pretty solid poem though, thank you for the read.