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Birdwatching
Beauty is
big, expressive eyes,
a smile wider than rivers,
words that contain the universe --
the purple scarf of an olive-backed sunbird,
the horned shadow of the old scops owl,
the coot coot coot of a colasisi --
me in the morning, searching for you
with binoculars and my mind's eye,
followed by your reply: a mocking
smile.
just mercedes
Unregistered
Hi - I read again, ignoring the first lines of each stanza, and I prefer your poem that way. It leaves me some work to do, as reader, to understand the juxtaposition. I really admire the ending - perfect. subverts the expectation set up by 'mocking', makes me go back to the title to read 'birdwatching' in both its meanings.
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I don't know if it would work but I would have a tendency to put "Beauty is" on its own at the top & then run each verse as if they were from this line if that makes sense! ie
Birdwatching
Beauty is
big, expressive eyes,
a smile wider than rivers,
words that contain the universe --
the purple scarf of an olive-backed sunbird,
the horned shadow of the old scops owl,
the coot coot coot of a colasisi --
me in the morning, searching for you
with binoculars and my mind's eye,
followed by your reply: a mocking
smile.
Apart from that I enjoyed it. Your expressiveness of verse is far superior to mine!
Posts: 1,139
Threads: 466
Joined: Nov 2013
thanks for the feedback. i'll follow clairelou's suggestion in cleaning up those first lines as soon as i can work with a proper computer. thanks again.
