Satiated

[Wjames]

A lick of ice cream
sprinkled mist on my face
and turned the sunlight into syrup
as I sat on a beach with my heart in the palm
of a lover, the coconut tree above my head
dancing shadows in the breeze
that rolled the waves just enough
to crash.

I was satisfied, for a while,
but I hungered for red meat,
the kind of meal that leaves you sprawled
on the couch with your belt undone
and the tv flashing nonsense
that infiltrates your dreams
as you snore, fart, and drool.

[vagabond]

A lick of ice cream
sprinkled mist on my face
and turned the sunlight into syrup
as I sat on a beach with my heart in the palm
of a lover, the coconut tree above my head 
dancing shadows in the breeze
that rolled the waves just enough
to crash.                                            .. coconut tree + breeze = crash? don't know if this association was intended but it lets the first stanza seem like some dream and waking up is kind of traumatic..

It felt good, for a while,                i somehow would like "it satisfied me for a while" at this place.
but I hungered for red meat,
the kind of meal that leaves you sprawled      not sure, but maybe staying in 1st person would also work.
on the couch with your belt undone
and the tv flashing nonsense    
that infiltrates your dreams
as you snore, fart, and drool.

i love the lines "tv flashing nonsense that infiltrates your dreams"

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey WJ. I enjoyed this. A few thoughts below...

A lick of ice cream
sprinkled mist on my face I'm getting stuck on "sprinkled" 
and turned the sunlight into syrup nice
as I sat on a beach with my heart in the palm 1
of a lover, the coconut tree above my head 2 - these 2 lines feel long. I would consider making them 3 lines for pace
dancing shadows in the breeze
that rolled the waves just enough
to crash.

It felt good, for a while,
but I hungered for red meat,
the kind of meal that leaves you sprawled
on the couch with your belt undone clear image
and the tv flashing nonsense
that infiltrates your dreams
as you snore, fart, and drool. matter of fact plus a little ugly. I like it.

I sense a lot of wordplay in the first strophe. The second is much better for my taste. There is a kind of honest guilt to it. It's more concrete and identifiable.
Good Luck with it,
Paul

[Wjames]

Thanks for your thoughts.

I've changed the first line of the second stanza as per your suggestion, vagabond, I do like satisfied, it works better with the title. I'm not sure about the "my/your" stuff, though.

I agree with a lot of your assessment, Tiger, I'll try and find a better word than sprinkled, and work on those line breaks.

[billy]

hi wj.

here are a few thought on what i see as a poem with potential. i never read the original

A lick of ice cream
sprinkled mist on my face
and turned the sunlight into syrup the 1st three lines create a great happy image. would a period help strengthen it?
as I sat on a beach with my heart in the palm [as i sat] feels weak and i'd ask "is it needed?" you could end the line at "heart", and move "in the palm' down and maybe split that after "lover"
of a lover, the coconut tree above my head
dancing shadows in the breeze
that rolled the waves just enough
to crash.

I was satisfied, for a while,
but I hungered for red meat,
the kind of meal that leaves you sprawled a suggestion to enhance the en-jamb would be to move sprawled down
on the couch with your belt undone
and the tv flashing nonsense
that infiltrates your dreams
as you snore, fart, and drool. love the end line but you knew i would