Version 2: The Need for Sleep

[ClaireLou]

More comments.  Thank you.  This was the first poem I put on the site undefined



Personally, with poetry I simply have a tendency to write the first thing that comes into my head without really focusing on the overall terms, rules & guidelines within the Poetry Community which are all very new to me.  What rolls off the tongue goes on the page .... bad habit I know.  Maybe I should consider re-reading my work before I share LOL



The stop & start points if I read them out loud myself are as follows but i don't know if that's any improvement or not.  I just like the rap like flow as it trickles along:



Tired of getting old,

of being told that age is just in the mind, 

defined by a constant need for sleep.



Naps, crying out to be taken,

to reawaken that lust for life,

that get up & go, to show,

that really, maybe, possibly, it is all but a number.



A number to a page we are yet to write,

as we fight to carry on with each new day

and stay away from those who say

that purple is just for the young;

A “Warning” for the youth that

petticoats can walk wings

and not only stalk but soar



The reference to purple is a complimentary nod towards one of my favourite Poems, Warning by Jenny Joseph. 


Overall really it was just a lighthearted ditty, a glance at getting older.  It could probably be seen as superficial in that way which is fine as there wasn't meant to be any particular depth to it.  I don't think poetry always needs depth it just needs to make you think something, even if that something is just that you smile.

Ps Still don't like the title, still having no luck thinking what to call it so for now it remains, nightmare!


---



Tired of getting old 
Of being told
That age is just in your mind
Defined
By a constant need for sleep
Naps crying out to be taken
So as to try to reawaken
That lust for life that get up & go
To show
That really maybe possibly it is all but a number
A number to a page that we are yet to write
As we fight 
To carry on with each brand new day
And stay away
From those who say that purple is just for the young

[Todd]

Hi Claire,

A couple of thoughts for you on this. I'm not sold on the title. Given that you almost repeat it in line 5, I feel that there's probably something more interesting that hits the topic or theme at a slant that can draw readers in.

There are plenty of people on the site that will probably comment on the choices you've made with form, where you've chosen to and not to rhyme. I read this out loud a few times and enjoyed the cadence. I was expecting that what is largely rhyming couplets to be boring and predictable. Turns out, this doesn't feel forced to me. I especially liked your use of reawaken on the break on line 7. Nice dual use of the word on 7 and 8. I also liked your choice of really, maybe, possibly as if the speaker is struggling to convince themselves. I also appreciated the surprise of the last line, the quirkiness of it, and the reason for the observation. A possible title from the last line (though you don't specify the garment) might be "Too Old for Yoga Pants"{ (? optional).

One option to consider in selling the last line more (make it pop more) is to expand the length, make it a bit more hyperbolic in its defense of age as a number, and then do a stanza break after "and stay away" (once you wind around back to it) and let a line of white space set off your final line.

Just some thoughts.

Best,

Todd

Tired of getting old 
Of being told
That age is just in your mind
Defined
By a constant need for sleep
Naps crying out to be taken
So as to try to reawaken
That lust for life that get up & go
To show
That really maybe possibly it is all but a number
A number to a page that we are yet to write
As we fight 
To carry on with each brand new day
And stay away
From those who say that purple is just for the young

[ClaireLou]

Thank you, as it is my first poem on the site I went for something fairly short so I could get some form of idea as to where I needed to improve. I was aware the title was rubbish, I really struggle with them, no idea why, they say the simplist things are sometimes the hardest to create. The last line is a dedication to a poem I love ..... When I am old I shall wear purple .... I will have a think re where I can go with it.

[Richard]

Hey ClaireLou,
Welcome to the site  

I like the main idea in this poem. I do have some thoughts though:

Tired of getting old 
Of being told
That age is just in your mind
Defined -Personally, I don't think this word deserves to be its own line. I say this because it seems to me it's there just to fulfill the rhyme.
By a constant need for sleep
Naps crying out to be taken -I like the imagery here. It creates a wonderful image in my mind.
So as to try to reawaken
That lust for life that get up & go
To show
That really maybe possibly it is all but a number
A number to a page that we are yet to write -I like this metaphor. It also starts to give some hope, which is nice.
As we fight 
To carry on with each brand new day
And stay away
From those who say that purple is just for the young -I saw in your comment that this alludes to another poem. The question you have to ask yourself is if you want to stick with the allusion or rework this so it's clearer for more readers. That's a struggle I've dealt with in some of my poetry, so I don't really have much of an answer. I think it is important that you are aware of it though.

A note on the rhyming, usually shorter rhyming lines are associated with nursery rhymes and comedic poetry. However, like Todd pointed out in his critique, this poem does have a flow to it. I find this almost reads like slam poetry, but I'm hardly an expert at that kind of poetry, so I could be wrong. I look forward to seeing where you go with this poem.

Keep writing,
Richard

[alonso ramoran]

Tired of getting old 
Of being told
That age is just in your mind 
Defined
By a constant need for sleep
Naps crying out to be taken
So as to try to reawaken
That lust for life that get up & go 
To show
That really maybe possibly it is all but a number  "really maybe possibly" sounds redundant. Take out a word or two.
A number to a page that we are yet to write
As we fight 
To carry on with each brand new day
And stay away
From those who say that purple is just for the young I like the ending, and like I saw in one of your replies, how it alludes to a poem(?) you've read. Only I didn't catch the allusion until I read your comment; will your audience catch it? This line just made me think that the color purple was symbolic for youth.

For some reason, this reads almost as if it's supposed to be rapped, I think it's because of the short follow-up of lines with another rhyme. This kind of puts this tenseness on the poem that pressures me into reading it fast, which is not good. I want to digest the words you are giving me. Some lines also read incomplete, as if it's missing words, like "Tired of getting old of being told". This should have a comma in between "old" and "of", but even using correct punctuation wouldn't take away from the fact you are missing the words that pull together that phrase, as is the case with many other lines. You have a good concept going for your poem, it just needs to be executed with a better tone and syntax.

[ClaireLou]

I love the fact that poetry creates debate & that each person has a different perception as to where it is heading.  I write on what I have been thinking about or how I am feeling, I don't really plan so maybe once I've put everything down onto paper I should leave it for a few days & go back to it with fresh eyes as generally even I admit the structure can be a little childlike overall.  I like simplicity.  I agree that you do feel the need to read it quickly, I do that myself, I always read poetry out loud so I can see how it rolls off the tongue & I've just read it back & its over before it's begun .... if that makes sense.  PS the poem the last line alludes to is:
Warning
by Jenny Joseph

WHEN I AM AN OLD WOMAN I SHALL WEAR PURPLE
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

[mjweise]

Hi Claire,

I read your poem yesterday - several times - and again this morning. Because of its form and rhyme I find it quite appealing. I see you hiding behind a teddy bear, so I think you're likely much younger than me (70, entering my second year of retirement). But, you've been able to describe many of the feelings I have as time passes.

Regarding the title: The phrase "really maybe possibly" establishes a quest for the answer to a question. So, I've thought it could be entitled "Age, just a Number?"

The last line has been discussed. For me, who nightly watches the local news on TV, I can often find something, that I would want to avoid, which reminds me of a young vs old reality. If it were my poem, I would probably write "From those who look too young to report the weather"

Cheers,

MJW

[ClaireLou]

OK I'm struggling, I want to include the Poem Title of that which I am recognising ...... give it a bit of an extra nod as unless you have heard of it I understand you wouldn't get my very tentative reference, but I don't feel it's working, maybe it's because I'm losing the punchiness of the overall effect, its general simplicity of completion,  I'm copying it below as somewhere to store & if anyone has any suggestions feel free, I shall go away & think:

Tired of getting old,
Of being told
That age is just a figment of the mind, defined
By that constant need for sleep.

Naps crying out to be taken,
So as to try to reawaken
Your lust for life, that get up & go,
To show
That really, maybe, possibly, everything is but a number.
A number to a page that we are yet to write,
As we continue to fight ,
To carry on with each brand new day
And stay away,

From those who say that purple is just for the young.
A “Warning” for the youth
That petticoats can walk wings
And not only stalk but soar

PS Still absolutely no idea as to a title, I will get there ..... eventually!

[JMannUK]

Hey there,

I quite like the short follow up lines; yes they read like a rap, but rap - for me at least, is just another form of poetry. I like when poems mix up the tempo, and your poem does just that.

The only problem I have is with the title. It just doesn't seem appropriate when juxtaposed with the content of the poem. I think that the title should tie in with the conclusion of the poem - it should be 'age' related. But hey I'm no pro, I've only become a fan of poetry as of recent! So correct me if I'm wrong.

[ClaireLou]

Thank you You cannot be wrong as poetry to me is based upon opinion & we all write, think & see things differently ...... I think thats part of its magic .... I am not a poet professional either, I think its a constant learning process & when people kindly take the time to comment you either go with it or you dont. Its not a criticism its a difference of ideas & differencs of ideas are fun

[nibbed]

Hi, Claire Lou


Tired of getting old,
Of being told
That age is just a figment of the mind, defined
By that constant need for sleep.                                       -I feel this way, but I don't think I am old, yet. I understand.
                                                                                         Life is good, very good. But sometimes it is very hard and makes me weary.
Naps crying out to be taken,                                                                                                                    
So as to try to reawaken                                                                                                                     
Your lust for life, that get up & go,
To show
That really, maybe, possibly, everything is but a number.
A number to a page that we are yet to write,
As we continue to fight ,
To carry on with each brand new day                                    why brand?  I'm thinking it's one beat too many                                        
And stay away,

From those who say that purple is just for the young.            I'd put a colon here.         
A “Warning” for the youth
That petticoats can walk wings                                               I thought of Hattie McDaniel's Petticoat, and smile remembering the scene.
And not only stalk but soar        



I think your poem was written with much passion, but from your avatar I don't see someone very old. I thought of many things while reading your poem: about Lydia the seller of purple in the scriptures and I wondered if someone could do well selling purple nowadays, too. Isn't it a colour relating to royalty?  I also thought about the Red Hat Ladies Society, or some society of that sort with a similar name made up of women who get together for lunch and wear red hats and pins shaped like hats, and then I thought why not purple hats, too? I myself have tried to wear purple, but it doesn't suit me (I tend to lean toward flax and neutrals because they make me feel natural and I like that very much). Red suits me a bit better than purple, but to me purple is not bound so much by age, as perhaps the colouring of a person. I see many sable haired ladies with darker undertones who fair much better wearing red or purple then us fairer types who are blond, who usually look good in reds, not purples, but may be too timid to consider it. Red-heads, however, who are much lovelier and bolder seem to be able to pull off purples nicely. But all in all, I get where you are going. Why let age stop you from enjoying and feeling pretty and beautiful? Thank you for the read, ClaireLou. It's funny, your name combined is made up of two of my uncle's names. Now I have thought of them and will need to remember to pray that they are safe, well, and happy. Your poem has brought on many thoughts and much wonder.

Blessings

nibbed

[ClaireLou]

LOL I'm not overly old, I say I'm middle aged with attitude, I have a tendency to split ages into categories, under 40 - Young, 41 - 60 Middle Aged & 61 + Old, it doesn't impress my Mother who at 70 mentally certainly doesn't fit into the latter section

The Poem came about from another which I read many years ago & is a particular favourite of mine, Warning, hence the use of the colour purple which I "borrowed" from the first & last line.

It makes me happy that it brought on thoughts & wonder, I don't think you could have said anything nicer, Poetry to me brings forth memories & imagination, it's not important if you don't see the image that I am trying to share as long as it makes you wonder about something

[cloud]

"A need for sleep" could be interpreted as death, which is the vibe I got from your writing.
I thought it was gonna be about napping lol, but you were focused on age
for some reason I feel as though the message was sleep is inevitable, and its justified for people who are tired of life.

As for a critique, I'm simply going to say its superficial. It seems like you're trying to write poetry rather than letting it flow naturally. I got that sense from the way you worded endings, and single words for a line.

I feel like your typography isn't suited enough for what you're implying.

[billy]

hi claire;

the read has a rap feel to it and the cadence works well enough. it feels as if you use line breaks instead of punctuation, for me in this poem it doesn't work well enough, specially with all caps.

while i can't lie [i did enjoy it] it does read like a fluff poem, it has little depth. who say purple is for the young? it feels you use that line to hang the poem on, in truth it or a version of it would have made a good 1st line with the explanation below it.

Tired of getting old
Of being told
That age is just in your mind
Defined
By a constant need for sleep
Naps crying out to be taken
So as to try to reawaken the juxtaposition between this line and the one below feels weak
That lust for life that get up & go
To show
That really maybe possibly it is all but a number
A number to a page that we are yet to write
As we fight
To carry on with each brand new day
And stay away
From those who say that purple is just for the young