Together, apart

[fuzzyllama1]

Together, apart
 
Together

He saw oversized scrubs, a body trying its very hardest
to fill every last stitch and pocket, endearingly,
honestly fit, she fashioned it and flowed freely,
through halls of his mind, two workers, perfect unison in hand and mind
chained to a soul duty, a personal creed backgrounded by a full set
of stars and stripes, uniform, with ammunition toted in a 50-pound camo backpack.
It made her back arch, ache, and upon a 95-pound frame, still bore the mass
of he and his whole world.
 
It was confirmed then and there. Schooling was a selfish venture
He knew his motivations incomplete, time ticked away irreverently to the real truth.
Right then and there, amidst her maze of messes,
he re-evaluated, over-analyzed his whole, picked at every fiber
getting lost and confused amidst her tachy heart rates.
If he could study the art of her mind it would lead him to
wander endlessly, analyze and adore it all
symphonies of JoJo would reverberate, rattle bones, shiver spines
 
He silently screamed, have patience!
Her life, it’s soul independence was worth all and any treasure.
Soft, molded living gold right before his eyes,
there is so safety deposit box worthy,
no sense hoarding it, hiding this pure beauty from the world.
 
He did not curate, no museum tour guide classes
no ownership, nor want to make transparent glass boxes
to keep belongings in. No wall, story, or post was part of the plan;
his want for her to see the indescribable infinite beauty he saw.
What mirror could fit a pedestal so high?
Even if the subject only stood near five feet tall
 
Apart
He could have had her in three steps.
He made a choice that took him three steps further away
from becoming the man he wanted so desperately to be.
 
Step one,
that man used his heart more than his brain.
He was smart enough to know how stupid smart people can be.
He let go of his metal and electric brain, sacrificed his philosophy
for hers, because there is no truth in Nietzsche, only truth in her.
 
Step two,
that man embraced worship. Made it his priority
to sit with her every weekend and feel the connection together.
He said “I want to go.”
Not “I’ll go with her.”
 
Step three,
that man saw all the goodness within her
proclaimed it true every day,
told the world she was beautiful in every way.
Not just because of what she could become,
because of who she already was.
The man that looked at her
saw everything he ever wanted
Because all he ever wanted was what he saw.
 
The choice he made instead.
His most important choice.
One he will hold with him as his only regret.
He chose not to try when it mattered most,
when she wanted him as much as he wanted her.
He chose not to seize the opportunity to become
The man he so desperately wanted to be.
 
He would have become that man.
If only he would have danced with her at that wedding.
If only he would have held her in that pink dress.
If only he would have told her “I miss you too” instead of telling himself “I’ll see her on Tuesday.”
Monday was when he lost her forever.

[Wjames]

Together, apart
 
Together

He saw oversized scrubs, a body trying its very hardest I think you could cut "very" without losing anything.
to fill every last stitch and pocket, endearingly,
honestly fit, she fashioned it and flowed freely, 
through halls of his mind, two workers, perfect unison in hand and mind
chained to a soul duty, a personal creed backgrounded by a full set
of stars and stripes, uniform, with ammunition toted in a 50-pound camo backpack.
It made her back arch, ache, and upon a 95-pound frame, still bore the mass I like "It made her back arch"
of he and his whole world. Interesting - a soldier & a nurse? I like this opening stanza.
 
It was confirmed then and there. Schooling was a selfish venture What was confirmed then & there? That schooling was a selfish venture? 
He knew his motivations incomplete, time ticked away irreverently to the real truth. "irreverently to the real truth" is very awkward. Also, "real" truth is unnecessary - if something is true it is inherently real.
Right then and there, amidst her maze of messes,
he re-evaluated, over-analyzed his whole, picked at every fiber
getting lost and confused amidst her tachy heart rates. tachy?
If he could study the art of her mind it would lead him to
wander endlessly, analyze and adore it all A little too sappy for my taste.
symphonies of JoJo would reverberate, rattle bones, shiver spines
 
He silently screamed, have patience!
Her life, it’s soul independence was worth all and any treasure.
Soft, molded living gold right before his eyes,
there is so safety deposit box worthy, "no safety"
no sense hoarding it, hiding this pure beauty from the world. This whole stanza is, again, too sappy for me - it makes me feel like I'm at a restaurant with a couple and they keep calling each other pet names and kissing. 
 
He did not curate, no museum tour guide classes
no ownership, nor want to make transparent glass boxes
to keep belongings in. No wall, story, or post was part of the plan;
his want for her to see the indescribable infinite beauty he saw. "indescribable infinite beauty" try and show me this, make me see something that has indescribable infinite beauty, and the poem will be very powerful. Show, don't tell, as the cliche goes.
What mirror could fit a pedestal so high?
Even if the subject only stood near five feet tall
 
Apart
He could have had her in three steps.
He made a choice that took him three steps further away "He made a choice that" could easily be condensed and say the same thing - i.e: "His choice took him"
from becoming the man he wanted so desperately to be. Interesting.
 
Step one,
that man used his heart more than his brain. 
He was smart enough to know how stupid smart people can be.
He let go of his metal and electric brain, sacrificed his philosophy
for hers, because there is no truth in Nietzsche, only truth in her. This stanza's pretty interesting.
 
Step two,
that man embraced worship. Made it his priority
to sit with her every weekend and feel the connection together.
He said “I want to go.”
Not “I’ll go with her.” This seems weird to me, but I have no faith.
 
Step three,
that man saw all the goodness within her
proclaimed it true every day,
told the world she was beautiful in every way. 
Not just because of what she could become,
because of who she already was.
The man that looked at her
saw everything he ever wanted
Because all he ever wanted was what he saw.
 
The choice he made instead.
His most important choice.
One he will hold with him as his only regret.
He chose not to try when it mattered most,
when she wanted him as much as he wanted her.
He chose not to seize the opportunity to become
The man he so desperately wanted to be. 
 
He would have become that man.
If only he would have danced with her at that wedding.
If only he would have held her in that pink dress.
If only he would have told her “I miss you too” instead of telling himself “I’ll see her on Tuesday.” These are kind of interesting, I can see them.
Monday was when he lost her forever.

The ending is too much sap for me. She's perfect in every way and everything would have been perfect if only - I don't believe it. 

Hey Fuzzy, sorry if this is too harsh for Basic. I like a lot of the Together part, but a lot of the poem is very sappy sort of cliche love poem stuff that turns me off. I think you if you do some edits you could make it better. Of course, you might disagree.

Hopefully you find this useful!

[fuzzyllama1]

Wjames,

Never apologize for critique! It is always helpful, no matter how harsh. Some of the poem is supposed to be sappy, but there is a theme that I want to progress to beyond it. If the reader only sees the cliche, then I am not doing my job well enough. I'll review and edit, taking your critique into account. It is very helpful.

[DiamondTom24]

Together

He saw oversized scrubs, a body trying its very hardest - I think the end of this line should be by itself and expanded
to fill every last stitch and pocket, endearingly,
honestly fit, she fashioned it and flowed freely, - The use of 'it' and 'and' a sharp words in a soft stanza, it sort of cuts the sentence 
through halls of his mind, two workers, perfect unison in hand and mind
chained to a soul duty, a personal creed backgrounded by a full set
of stars and stripes, uniform, with ammunition toted in a 50-pound camo backpack.
It made her back arch, ache, and upon a 95-pound frame, still bore the mass
of he and his whole world. - It's a very good introduction but I would recommend changing the sharp words 

It was confirmed then and there. Schooling was a selfish venture
He knew his motivations incomplete, time ticked away irreverently to the real truth. - I like how you're adding emphasis to the words 'motivation, time and truth', but I feel it would work better if they had their own lines
Right then and there, amidst her maze of messes,
he re-evaluated, over-analyzed his whole, picked at every fiber
getting lost and confused amidst her tachy heart rates.
If he could study the art of her mind it would lead him to
wander endlessly, analyze and adore it all
symphonies of JoJo would reverberate, rattle bones, shiver spines

He silently screamed, have patience!
Her life, it’s soul independence was worth all and any treasure. - This sentence is really working, it seems like you're talking about two different things
Soft, molded living gold right before his eyes,
there is so safety deposit box worthy,
no sense hoarding it, hiding this pure beauty from the world.

He did not curate, no museum tour guide classes
no ownership, nor want to make transparent glass boxes
to keep belongings in. No wall, story, or post was part of the plan;
his want for her to see the indescribable infinite beauty he saw.
What mirror could fit a pedestal so high? - Nice!!!!
Even if the subject only stood near five feet tall - Brilliant stanza

Apart
He could have had her in three steps.
He made a choice that took him three steps further away
from becoming the man he wanted so desperately to be. - This sentence structure is really good as you express one idea per line and emphasise it. I would suggest having this same structure in the together section because you had too many ideas on one line 

Step one,
that man used his heart more than his brain.
He was smart enough to know how stupid smart people can be.
He let go of his metal and electric brain, sacrificed his philosophy
for hers, because there is no truth in Nietzsche, only truth in her. - I wouldn't start the sentence with 'for hers', start with 'because'

Step two,
that man embraced worship. Made it his priority
to sit with her every weekend and feel the connection together.
He said “I want to go.”
Not “I’ll go with her.” - wow - sappy. But since thats what you're going for it is quite powerful

Step three,
that man saw all the goodness within her
proclaimed it true every day,
told the world she was beautiful in every way.
Not just because of what she could become,
because of who she already was.
The man that looked at her
saw everything he ever wanted
Because all he ever wanted was what he saw.

The choice he made instead.
His most important choice.
One he will hold with him as his only regret.
He chose not to try when it mattered most,
when she wanted him as much as he wanted her.
He chose not to seize the opportunity to become
The man he so desperately wanted to be.

- I feel like you should add a stanza around here where he truly declares his love in a spiritually and physical way

He would have become that man.
If only he would have danced with her at that wedding.
If only he would have held her in that pink dress.
If only he would have told her “I miss you too” instead of telling himself “I’ll see her on Tuesday.”
Monday was when he lost her forever. - Damn that was sad. If you wanted to depress people at the end then you succeeded :_(

Sorry if I didn't add much about what I liked about it. This a really good poem and has the potential to become a really powerful piece. When you have enough confidence and have worked the poem out a bit more, I would recommend you post this on the Intensive poetry forum because I think you have the ability to make this an incredible piece. Really well done    

[TemporaryForever]

I like a lot of what I see here. I think the first part could be tightened up a bit and maybe reworded. You use some great words, but if your goal is to have your poetry be accessible you want to choose words that a general audience will easily understand. You might think most people know what "reverberate" means but that's not necessarily the case.

Also, good descriptions! I got some great mental images from this one.

[poetkitten]

Together, apart
 
Together

He saw oversized scrubs, a body trying its very hardest
to fill every last stitch and pocket, endearingly,
honestly fit, she fashioned it and flowed freely,
through halls of his mind, two workers, perfect unison in hand and mind
chained to a soul duty, a personal creed backgrounded by a full set
of stars and stripes, uniform, with ammunition toted in a 50-pound camo backpack.
It made her back arch, ache, and upon a 95-pound frame, still bore the mass
of he and his whole world.
 
It was confirmed then and there. Schooling was a selfish venture
He knew his motivations incomplete, time ticked away irreverently to the real truth.
Right then and there, amidst her maze of messes,
he re-evaluated, over-analyzed his whole, picked at every fiber
getting lost and confused amidst her tachy heart rates.
If he could study the art of her mind it would lead him to
wander endlessly, analyze and adore it all
symphonies of JoJo would reverberate, rattle bones, shiver spines
 
He silently screamed, have patience!
Her life, it’s soul independence was worth all and any treasure. 
Soft, molded living gold right before his eyes,
there is so safety deposit box worthy,
no sense hoarding it, hiding this pure beauty from the world.
 
He did not curate, no museum tour guide classes
no ownership, nor want to make transparent glass boxes
to keep belongings in. No wall, story, or post was part of the plan;
his want for her to see the indescribable infinite beauty he saw. -Perhaps you could make this shorter or use some descriptive word, it's too long winded for me. You could use a beautiful object instead, for example diamond. They are both beautiful and valuable. 'his want for her to see the glinting diamond he saw'. Or going deeper, 'the diamond in the rough' which could suggest that he sees the beauty and the value because he knows what to look for, and that others might not or he is trying to get her to see this 'hidden' value. It could also possibly mean inner instead of outer beauty. You could even mention beauty or infinite, for example 'the infinite, glinting diamond' or 'the beautiful diamond in the rough'. This could be a recurring theme with 'the safety deposit box' above. I do however like what this phrase is implying, even if it breaks the flow slightly. 
What mirror could fit a pedestal so high? 
Even if the subject only stood near five feet tall
 
Apart
He could have had her in three steps.
He made a choice that took him three steps further away
from becoming the man he wanted so desperately to be.
 
Step one,
that man used his heart more than his brain.
He was smart enough to know how stupid smart people can be. -This is a good saying
He let go of his metal and electric brain, sacrificed his philosophy -You mention him being intelligent, at least somewhat, then use "cleaver" words, which adds to the effect of this stanza because somehow those words seem conscious, as if they are a part of him and he said it. Very good, I wouldn't have thought of using this in my own poems.
for hers, because there is no truth in Nietzsche, only truth in her.
 
Step two,
that man embraced worship. Made it his priority
to sit with her every weekend and feel the connection together. -Draws past experiences out from the reader to get them more emotionally involved, would almost make them go 'awww' (sadly, or rather happily, I have not yet experienced this yet)
He said “I want to go.”
Not “I’ll go with her.”
 
Step three,
that man saw all the goodness within her
proclaimed it true every day,
told the world she was beautiful in every way.
Not just because of what she could become,
because of who she already was.
The man that looked at her
saw everything he ever wanted
Because all he ever wanted was what he saw.
 
The choice he made instead.
His most important choice.
One he will hold with him as his only regret.
He chose not to try when it mattered most,
when she wanted him as much as he wanted her.
He chose not to seize the opportunity to become
The man he so desperately wanted to be.
 
He would have become that man.
If only he would have danced with her at that wedding.
If only he would have held her in that pink dress.
If only he would have told her “I miss you too” instead of telling himself “I’ll see her on Tuesday.”
Monday was when he lost her forever. -For some strange reason, I feel like this sentence could be improved slightly by addeding the word because at the start. That could just be me though...'Because Monday was when he lost her forever'. 'Because' makes the sentence explain, in this case makes it explain and connects itself to the if. After saying all those if onlys, the readers will want to know what would have happened, and what already did happen. Personally, I find because more satisfying because it explains these questions enough but leaves on a partial cliff hanger, leaving questions in the readers mind instead of simply stating something.

I hope this helped! I'm new to critic though so I'm not sure...