First Edit: Parenthood

[Richard]

First Edit:

Parenthood

My worry for you surrounds me like a body bag.

I struggle to find an opening,
but the blackness refuses to relent.
Lost, I cry out, only to discover
a dead man has no voice.
I try to thrash about, desperate
to open my eyes, to watch you
line up your toys one last time.

The dream shifts,
my worry now a drop cloth
that protects me from a dark desire
to never wake up.


Original:

Parenthood

My worry for you surrounds me like a body bag.

I struggle,
desperate to find an opening
or even a corner,
but the blackness refuses to relent.

Then I wonder,
is my worry actually a cloak
that protects me from a dark desire
to lie still and play dead?

[billy]

i'm struggling with this one richard. on the one hand i like it a lot. i get it...

on the other hand it screams at me to ask for more.
the body-bag metaphor worked well as did the worrying. i found nothing wrong with the lines you have, i'd just like more, possibly before the last stanza.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Richard. I like this. A couple thoughts below...

Parenthood

My worry for you surrounds me like a body bag.

I struggle,
desperate to find an opening
or even a corner,
but the blackness refuses to relent.

Then I wonder, I must have written this same line in a dozen poems. I am trying desperately to get away from it. To me it feels like a utility line that is only there to transition into the punchline. This is not about me, haha- Just explaining why it jumps out out me as a weak line in an otherwise tight piece. I would be inclined to strike it and start the next line with "Or".
is my worry actually a cloak
that protects me from a dark desire
to lie still and play dead? thought provoking finish. 

My other thought is you use a few phrases that border on cliche. I think you get away with it, but only just...
"find an opening"
"dark desire"
even "lie still and play dead" - (though you need this one)

Thanks for the read Richard. 

[Todd]

Hi Richard, I like the topic and appreciate that you didn't swerve toward the sentimental. Some comments:

Parenthood

My worry for you surrounds me like a body bag.--Great opening. Crisp and direct image.

I struggle,
desperate to find an opening--don't really think desperate is that useful. I'd rather you show desperation in the actions to escape than simply provide the tag. Opening is a great word here as it also implies the conversations that we trip over ourselves to have. We want to communicate with this other person but we are locked in our thoughts and fears. The image continues to work really well here.
or even a corner,
but the blackness refuses to relent.

Then I wonder,
is my worry actually a cloak
that protects me from a dark desire
to lie still and play dead?--This is an interesting observation. Are you comfortable in the bag? I don't think you want to shift to a cloak simply reimagine the use of WHY you are in the bag. How does it benefit you? I think you may want to steer away from an ending question and rethink this as a horrified observation. The last line is very good. The work will be building to that line. The speaker may need a context to get them there. I'm not sure.

Well, those are my thoughts. I hope they help you revise. I think you've got a good start going.

Best,

Todd

[Richard]

Hey Billy, Tiger, and Todd,
Thanks for the feedback. It's interesting because you all touched on things I was concerned with in this poem. For example, Tiger's observation about the last line bordering on cliche was one worry I had. Billy, I actually thought about adding more before jumping from a body bag to a cloak, so your comment reaffirms my thoughts on adding some sort of transition or even expanding on the imagery. Todd, the cloak wasn't in my original draft of this and it was all just dealing with the image of a body bag, so I find it interesting that you commented on dropping that image and expanding on the body bag imagery.

Greatly appreciated,
Richard

[homer1950]

Parenthood

My worry for you surrounds me like a body bag.

I struggle,
desperate to find an opening
or even a corner,
but the blackness refuses to relent.

Then I wonder,
is my worry actually a cloak
that protects me from a dark desire
to lie still and play dead?

Hello Richard, 

I like this very much, yet the ending seems to contradict the beginning. That is the body bag (your worry allows you to play dead, therefore it is not a cloak keeping you from playing dead). I very much think you should embrace the notion of the BB as a catalyst to escape coping. Perhaps your worry surrounds you like a BB and most people would struggle beneath its claustrophobic grip but you take comfort in its ablitlity to cloak you and make you emotionally invisible. Just some ramblings.

[Richard]

Hey homer1950,
Thanks for the feedback. I find I'm a little stuck on this one because I'm trying hard not to make it too sentimental while at the same time not going too dark. I think I'm going to let it sit for a bit, and then try editing it.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I decided to make an attempt at editing this one. Feel free to let me know if it's an improvement.

Thanks in advance,
Richard