Sonnet "Mayapple Flower"

[alatos]

Beneath the twin umbrella leaves that fold
with gentle curvature like praying hands,
hides a single flower, white and gold,
like shreds of linen in Egyptian sands -
a mystery - the prelude to a treasure.
Approach its beauty like a priest in the night -
a priest who serves the doleful goddess Pleasure -
and kneel to see the blooming gold and white,
a living jewel fed by the ancient root,
and shrouded by the two dark-spreading veils.
In time, the flower will become a fruit.
But it is dark, and you’ll  forget these trails
(although you whisper now that you will not).
The blissful gem will ripen, fall, and rot.

Please note that I am not trying for perfect iambic pentameter here. I'm focusing on five stresses, that's all.

[dukealien]

Beneath the twin umbrella leaves that fold
with gentle curvature like praying hands,
hides a single flower, white and gold, missing first syllable - "there" would be insipid, perhaps 2-syllable replacement for "hides?"
like shreds of linen in Egyptian sands -
a mystery - the prelude to a treasure.
Approach its beauty like a priest in the night - extra syllable at "the" - conventional to replace "in the" with "at," need something better for "at night"
a priest who serves the doleful goddess Pleasure -
and kneel to see the blooming gold and white,
a living jewel fed by the ancient root,  always a little trouble with words like "jewel" used, as here, as one syllable.   Could removing "the" let it be two, accented per meter?
and shrouded by the two dark-spreading veils.
In time, the flower will become a fruit.
But it is dark, and you’ll  forget these trails
(although you whisper now that you will not).
The blissful gem will ripen, fall, and rot.

In general, since images are important here, you might consider replacing almost every use of "the" with a more descriptive word matched to the image in progress.  Even just replacing with "its" or "a" reserves "the" for cases where there is only one and the singularity is important.

That said, the rhymes are exact and suitable; the turn begins a bit early (in L12).  In fact, the turn as L12-13 seems a sufficient contrast to me; perhaps they can extend (with suitable editing) to L14.  Is L14 actually necessary after L11-12?

Intriguing use of the Shakespearean form, and romantic in its way.

[alatos]

Beneath the twin umbrella leaves that fold
with gentle curvature like praying hands,
hides a single flower, white and gold, missing first syllable - "there" would be insipid, perhaps 2-syllable replacement for "hides?"
like shreds of linen in Egyptian sands -
a mystery - the prelude to a treasure.
Approach its beauty like a priest in the night - extra syllable at "the" - conventional to replace "in the" with "at," need something better for "at night"
a priest who serves the doleful goddess Pleasure -
and kneel to see the blooming gold and white,
a living jewel fed by the ancient root,  always a little trouble with words like "jewel" used, as here, as one syllable.   Could removing "the" let it be two, accented per meter?
and shrouded by the two dark-spreading veils.
In time, the flower will become a fruit.
But it is dark, and you’ll  forget these trails
(although you whisper now that you will not).
The blissful gem will ripen, fall, and rot.

In general, since images are important here, you might consider replacing almost every use of "the" with a more descriptive word matched to the image in progress.  Even just replacing with "its" or "a" reserves "the" for cases where there is only one and the singularity is important.

That said, the rhymes are exact and suitable; the turn begins a bit early (in L12).  In fact, the turn as L12-13 seems a sufficient contrast to me; perhaps they can extend (with suitable editing) to L14.  Is L14 actually necessary after L11-12?

Intriguing use of the Shakespearean form, and romantic in its way.

Thanks for the feedback! While I do really appreciate the time you took, I'm really focusing more on five stresses than five iambs. I realize this isn't traditional English form, but I am starting to warm to it. Gives a little room for natural speech in an otherwise rigid format, in my opinion. Like I said though, I'm not trying to discount your critique. I do appreciate the time, and I should have clarified that I was not sticking to strictly iambs!

[homer1950]

Beneath the twin umbrella leaves that fold
with gentle curvature like praying hands,
hides a single flower, white and gold,
like shreds of linen in Egyptian sands -
a mystery - the prelude to a treasure.
Approach its beauty like a priest in the night -
a priest who serves the doleful goddess Pleasure -
and kneel to see the blooming gold and white,
a living jewel fed by the ancient root,
and shrouded by the two dark-spreading veils.
In time, the flower will become a fruit.
But it is dark, and you’ll  forget these trails
(although you whisper now that you will not).
The blissful gem will ripen, fall, and rot.

Please note that I am not trying for perfect iambic pentameter here. I'm focusing on five stresses, that's all.

Hello Alatos, 

For me it is not the Sonnet form, rather the substance. Your descriptions are great however you may be being a bit too tidious in geting to your point. You have the leaves as folded hands praying covering the white and gold, then you have the fruit shrouded by veils  covering the gold and white. Both great descriptions yet are they redundant in some ways?

[alatos]

Beneath the twin umbrella leaves that fold
with gentle curvature like praying hands,
hides a single flower, white and gold,
like shreds of linen in Egyptian sands -
a mystery - the prelude to a treasure.
Approach its beauty like a priest in the night -
a priest who serves the doleful goddess Pleasure -
and kneel to see the blooming gold and white,
a living jewel fed by the ancient root,
and shrouded by the two dark-spreading veils.
In time, the flower will become a fruit.
But it is dark, and you’ll  forget these trails
(although you whisper now that you will not).
The blissful gem will ripen, fall, and rot.

Please note that I am not trying for perfect iambic pentameter here. I'm focusing on five stresses, that's all.

Hello Alatos, 

For me it is not the Sonnet form, rather the substance. Your descriptions are great however you may be being a bit too tidious in geting to your point. You have the leaves as folded hands praying covering the white and gold, then you have the fruit shrouded by veils  covering the gold and white. Both great descriptions yet are they redundant in some ways?

Thanks. Yes, they probably are a bit redundant. Two aspects of the same image.

[alonso ramoran]

Beneath the twin umbrella leaves that fold
with gentle curvature like praying hands, With this line, and the next, it puts this image of hands delicately clasping a flower in my head b/c of the simile. Plainly put: I love your combination of simile and imagery here.
hides a single flower, white and gold,
like shreds of linen in Egyptian sands - Nice simile. I wan't sure about Egyptian being the adjective for sands, but now I'm kind of cool with it b/c of following words like "treasure" and "goddess" being used. I just thought you could use a more dynamic adjective to get those sensory juices flowing.
a mystery - the prelude to a treasure.
Approach its beauty like a priest in the night -
a priest who serves the doleful goddess Pleasure -
and kneel to see the blooming gold and white,
a living jewel fed by the ancient root,
and shrouded by the two dark-spreading veils.
In time, the flower will become a fruit.
But it is dark, and you’ll  forget these trails
(although you whisper now that you will not).
The blissful gem will ripen, fall, and rot.

Please note that I am not trying for perfect iambic pentameter here. I'm focusing on five stresses, that's all.

After reading, I'm left wondering what happened to the mystery part; was the treasure ever found? It sounded as if the flower was the mystery in the beginning but then "gem" is used as it's metaphor towards the end, as if the flower was the treasure. Forgive me if I've muddled any of its meaning. I really enjoyed the read by the way. Thanks, hope my advice is of any help when tweaking.

[vagabond]

Beneath the twin umbrella leaves that fold              comma after leaves?   i get no meaning for twin umbrella.
with gentle curvature like praying hands,               "with gentle curves like faithful praying hands"?
hides a single flower, white and gold,
like shreds of linen in Egyptian sands -             "like shreds of linen, cast in egypt´s sands"..
i don´t quite see how the shreds of linen are similar to the white and golden flower (and why the flower is golden). why not substitute linen for some jewel (you introduced gem as a meta for the flower)
a mystery - the prelude to a treasure.                         "a mystery preluding to a treasure"
Approach its beauty like a priest in the night -             "...like a priest at night"
a priest who serves the doleful goddess Pleasure -
and kneel to see the blooming gold and white,      kneels
a living jewel fed by the ancient root,                       what kind of root? i d guess something like instincts . as was said before, "by an ancient root would sound better"
and shrouded by the two dark-spreading veils.    "and shrouded by two darkly spreading veils"
In time, the flower will become a fruit.                   "in time the flower will turn into a fruit"  (don´t know if flower can be pronounced as one syllable)
But it is dark, and you’ll  forget these trails         
(although you whisper now that you will not).
The blissful gem will ripen, fall, and rot.         

Please note that I am not trying for perfect iambic pentameter here. I'm focusing on five stresses, that's all.

made some suggestions for rhythm (to be considered with caution, since i m not a native english speaker).
i like that poem, but don´t get some of the images.

[Yjack123]

Getting a lot of disceciton, huh? I won't. I thought it was pretty good. Of course there are little things that bugged me. In the beginning you should replace each word "like" with a semi-colon or a period.

"with gentle curvature like praying hands" = " with gentle curvature; praying hands" etc.

But I did really like the pace. Though the words felt a little heavy at the "root" bit.

I think you've put a lot of good work into this. It shows a lot of polish. Nice.