Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
2nd revision w/title change
The Contentment of His Creation
He sends comfort
during lonely tribulation,
distractions:
His powerful billows
gently dab the firmaments,
forming whimsy caricature;
He waves mystery's handiwork,
displays feathers & frond.
His angels stand cornered
offering wind
only at His direction
teasing hints, done
in fragrant wildflower.
He soothes tormented ears
in auditions of sparrow,
cricket & frog;
boasting His pure galleries
in precious, brilliant, song.
ORIGINAL
True Beauty
He sends comfort
in lonely tribulation,
creating distraction:
His firmaments
daub in powerful billows,
forming softened
whimsy caricatures;
His handiwork
displays a mystery
found only in feathers & frond.
Directing windy offerings
of cornered angels
teasing in hints
of sweetened honeysuckle
& wild carrots
crocheted in blooms of white,
He soothes
tormented ears
with the auditions
of sparrows,
crickets & frogs;
boasting purest galleries
in precious, brilliant, song.
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 751
Threads: 408
Joined: May 2014
Hello Janine. A few comments for you...
(08-15-2017, 10:57 AM)nibbed Wrote: True Beauty - I don't think the title does much for the piece. It could introduce almost anything.
He sends comfort
in lonely tribulation,
creating distraction: I'm having a hard time reconciling comfort and tribulation. They are almost complete opposites - though I realize this was partly intentional, it is jarring nonetheless. (after rereading I think switching L1 and L2 would make it more clear - as is the word "in" has an ambiguous use.
His firmaments
daub in powerful billows,
forming softened This may read more smoothly as "soft, whimsical..." - might just be my ear
whimsy caricatures;
His handiwork
displays a mystery
found only in feathers & frond. Assuming the N is talking about a diety of some kind, "only" feels contradictory.
Directing windy offerings Apologies, but "windy offerings" immediately made me think of farts. - Aside from that, I enjoyed this strophe the most.
of cornered angels
teasing in hints
of sweetened honeysuckle
& wild carrots
crocheted in blooms of white,
He soothes
tormented ears
with the auditions may not need "the" here
of sparrows,
crickets & frogs;
boasting purest galleries
in precious, brilliant, song. "precious" and "brilliant" seem rather generic adjectives for a last line. If I'm wrong I would still strike the comma after brilliant.
Thanks for the read. I enjoyed it even if the comments suggest otherwise.
Paul
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
(08-15-2017, 12:21 PM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Hello Janine. A few comments for you...
(08-15-2017, 10:57 AM)nibbed Wrote: True Beauty - I don't think the title does much for the piece. It could introduce almost anything.
He sends comfort
in lonely tribulation,
creating distraction: I'm having a hard time reconciling comfort and tribulation. They are almost complete opposites - though I realize this was partly intentional, it is jarring nonetheless. (after rereading I think switching L1 and L2 would make it more clear - as is the word "in" has an ambiguous use. yes, thank you. I see where that would really work well and convey what I meant.
His firmaments
daub in powerful billows,
forming softened This may read more smoothly as "soft, whimsical..." - might just be my ear
whimsy caricatures;
His handiwork
displays a mystery
found only in feathers & frond. Assuming the N is talking about a diety of some kind, "only" feels contradictory. Upon reading it just now
I don't know why only is in there...must have been a remnant from one of my drafts! Thanks for pointing that out! Directing windy offerings Apologies, but "windy offerings" immediately made me think of farts. - Aside from that, I enjoyed this strophe the most. hahahaha! I actually wondered that,too, but thought I was being goofy 
of cornered angels
teasing in hints
of sweetened honeysuckle
& wild carrots
crocheted in blooms of white,
He soothes
tormented ears
with the auditions may not need "the" here k
of sparrows,
crickets & frogs;
boasting purest galleries
in precious, brilliant, song. "precious" and "brilliant" seem rather generic adjectives for a last line. If I'm wrong I would still strike the comma after brilliant. Good point. It's hard being descriptive of things concerning my God, I mean, His greatness and all the stuff He is. There's not a word in any dictionary that can quite convey how I feel about Him or His attributes. I think there will be a different language of praise in heaven, unimaginable, better words because great, marvelous, wonderful, just don't seem good enough! He's even more!
Thanks for the read. I enjoyed it even if the comments suggest otherwise.
Paul
thanks Tiger the lion! Your critique was wonderful
and quite helpful to me! I wish I could critique as
wonderfully and as thoroughly as you!
nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(08-15-2017, 10:57 AM)nibbed Wrote: 1st revision
True Beauty
He sends comfort
during lonely tribulation,
creates distraction:
His firmaments
daub in powerful billows,
forming whimsy's
softest caricatures;
His handiwork
displays the mystery
of feathers & frond.
His cornered angels
are directed
in the offering of winds
teasing hints
of sweetened honeysuckle
& wild carrots
crocheted in blooms of white.
He soothes
tormented ears
with auditions
of sparrows,
crickets & frogs;
boasting His purest galleries
in precious, brilliant, song.
I think this poem suffers from 2 distinct problems
1. abstractions. abstractions rarely offer much to a poem by themselves, they need to be defined through imagery and concrete nouns and verbs. Words like "comfort", tribulations, distraction - these are abstractions. By themselves, they lack any definition.
The poem opens - He sends comfort - This is a weak opening, I never learn who "he" is or why I should care. And waht is this comfort, how does "he" send "comfort". The poetry would be in the specifics and they never arrive. Does he gently hold your bare shoulder as you hang your head in grief? I will never know. Now pretend I used that same explanation for all of the other abstractions.
2. Inconsistent or contradictory imagery - His firmaments daub in powerful billows, forming whimsy's softest caricatures - ???? I can neither imagine this nor relate it properly to the poem.
I think if you work through this carefully with a close eye to eliminating abstractions or grounding them to concrete imagery and resolving your imagery to your central metaphor you will be on your way here.
Good luck.
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
(08-16-2017, 07:28 AM)milo Wrote: (08-15-2017, 10:57 AM)nibbed Wrote: 1st revision
True Beauty
He sends comfort
during lonely tribulation,
creates distraction:
His firmaments
daub in powerful billows,
forming whimsy's
softest caricatures;
His handiwork
displays the mystery
of feathers & frond.
His cornered angels
are directed
in the offering of winds
teasing hints
of sweetened honeysuckle
& wild carrots
crocheted in blooms of white.
He soothes
tormented ears
with auditions
of sparrows,
crickets & frogs;
boasting His purest galleries
in precious, brilliant, song.
I think this poem suffers from 2 distinct problems
1. abstractions. abstractions rarely offer much to a poem by themselves, they need to be defined through imagery and concrete nouns and verbs. Words like "comfort", tribulations, distraction - these are abstractions. By themselves, they lack any definition.
The poem opens - He sends comfort - This is a weak opening, I never learn who "he" is or why I should care. And waht is this comfort, how does "he" send "comfort". The poetry would be in the specifics and they never arrive. Does he gently hold your bare shoulder as you hang your head in grief? I will never know. Now pretend I used that same explanation for all of the other abstractions.
2. Inconsistent or contradictory imagery - His firmaments daub in powerful billows, forming whimsy's softest caricatures - ???? I can neither imagine this nor relate it properly to the poem.
I think if you work through this carefully with a close eye to eliminating abstractions or grounding them to concrete imagery and resolving your imagery to your central metaphor you will be on your way here.
thank you, Milo. I see where I have twisted things in a few places.
I will consider your wonderful critique. thank you very much
for taking the time to read through and comment.
nibbed
Good luck.
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 2,354
Threads: 229
Joined: Oct 2010
08-18-2017, 11:48 PM
(This post was last modified: 08-18-2017, 11:50 PM by Todd.)
Hi, I hope you don't consider this too forward. I think you have a good poem here but it would be improved by some cuts let me show you some suggestions for your consideration.
(08-15-2017, 10:57 AM)nibbed Wrote: 2nd revision w/title change
The Contentment of His Creation
He sends comfort
during lonely tribulation,
distractions:
His powerful billows
gently dab the firmaments,
forming whimsy caricature;
He waves mystery's handiwork,
displays feathers & frond.
His angels stand cornered
offering wind
only at His direction
teasing hints, done
in fragrant wildflower.
He soothes tormented ears
in auditions of sparrow,
cricket & frog;
boasting His pure galleries
in precious, brilliant song.
Just some thoughts.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 47
Threads: 15
Joined: Jun 2017
(08-15-2017, 10:57 AM)nibbed Wrote: 2nd revision w/title change
The Contentment of His Creation
He sends comfort
during lonely tribulation, Lonely tribulation really strikes me. Great stanza
distractions:
His powerful billows
gently dab the firmaments, Love the contradictionary nature of this stanza powerful billows/'gently' dabbing
forming whimsy caricature;
He waves mystery's handiwork,
displays feathers & frond. Amazing sentence
His angels stand cornered
offering wind Comparing to the other stanzas, this one feels a bit lacking.
only at His direction 'Wildflower' seems a bit out of context (or i'm just missing the reference)
teasing hints, done
in fragrant wildflower.
He soothes tormented ears
in auditions of sparrow, Making the animals plural would sound better
cricket & frog;
boasting His pure galleries
in precious, brilliant, song. Great ending, i'd cut 'brilliant' out, though. That seems to add better to the flow (You can also
ORIGINAL
True Beauty
He sends comfort
in lonely tribulation,
creating distraction:
His firmaments
daub in powerful billows,
forming softened
whimsy caricatures;
His handiwork
displays a mystery
found only in feathers & frond.
Directing windy offerings
of cornered angels
teasing in hints
of sweetened honeysuckle
& wild carrots
crocheted in blooms of white,
He soothes
tormented ears
with the auditions
of sparrows,
crickets & frogs;
boasting purest galleries
in precious, brilliant, song.
Without a doubt this is the best work i've had the pleasure of reading from you yet, Jeanine. The overall angelic experience is soothing, proofing that religiously themed poetry can be mellow and tranquil while not being zealous or evangelical. I'm sorry that my feedback is rather lacking, but take that as a compliment, as this i find this work filled to the brim with grace.
Posts: 580
Threads: 71
Joined: Oct 2015
(08-15-2017, 10:57 AM)nibbed Wrote: 2nd revision w/title change
The Contentment of His Creation
He sends comfort
during lonely tribulation, ....'during' doesn't fit the metre. I preferred the original 'in', and didn't find it ambiguous.
distractions: ...whether it's 'in', or 'during', sending comfort during distractions is hard to understand. Maybe if you replaced 'distractions' with a more apt word?
His powerful billows ... as a general rule, I think adjectives are best avoided in poetry.
gently dab the firmaments,
forming whimsy caricature;
He waves mystery's handiwork,
displays feathers & frond.
His angels stand cornered
offering wind
only at His direction
teasing hints, done
in fragrant wildflower.
He soothes tormented ears
in auditions of sparrow,
cricket & frog;
boasting His pure galleries
in precious, brilliant, song...I would avoid the second adjective.
ORIGINAL
True Beauty
He sends comfort
in lonely tribulation,
creating distraction:
His firmaments
daub in powerful billows,
forming softened
whimsy caricatures;
His handiwork
displays a mystery
found only in feathers & frond.
Directing windy offerings
of cornered angels
teasing in hints
of sweetened honeysuckle
& wild carrots
crocheted in blooms of white,
He soothes
tormented ears
with the auditions
of sparrows,
crickets & frogs;
boasting purest galleries
in precious, brilliant, song.
This is one of your better works, because the Christianising isn't overt.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
For me the poem is trying too hard and reads as bland in too many parts. this is the "creator" that's being spoke of, he needs to be seen. there needs to be less on the idea of god and more images of him. he needs to be made human in order for us to see him as god. [just my opinion probably] the first stanza feels weak as does the 2nd and others.
He soothes tormented ears
in auditions of sparrow,
cricket & frog;
build on images like the one above. possibly give more depth to what you've already written.
god poems like love poems generally need to be very good and very original to pass the tiniest of scrutiny. they need to hold the reader.
(08-15-2017, 10:57 AM)nibbed Wrote: 2nd revision w/title change
The Contentment of His Creation the title is much better and lends one to instantly know what type of poem it will be.
He sends comfort why and what for?
during lonely tribulation, what tribulations, show some?
distractions: what distractions. give us an image.
His powerful billows
gently dab the firmaments,
forming whimsy caricature;
He waves mystery's handiwork,
displays feathers & frond.
His angels stand cornered
offering wind
only at His direction
teasing hints, done
in fragrant wildflower.
He soothes tormented ears
in auditions of sparrow,
cricket & frog;
boasting His pure galleries
in precious, brilliant, song.
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
(08-18-2017, 11:48 PM)Todd Wrote: Hi, I hope you don't consider this too forward. I think you have a good poem here but it would be improved by some cuts let me show you some suggestions for your consideration.
(08-15-2017, 10:57 AM)nibbed Wrote: 2nd revision w/title change
The Contentment of His Creation
He sends comfort
during lonely tribulation,
distractions:
His powerful billows
gently dab the firmaments,
forming whimsy caricature;
He waves mystery's handiwork,
displays feathers & frond.
His angels stand cornered
offering wind
only at His direction
teasing hints, done
in fragrant wildflower.
He soothes tormented ears
in auditions of sparrow,
cricket & frog;
boasting His pure galleries
Just some thoughts.
Best,
Todd
H, Todd.
Thank you for your very kind consideration of my poem.
I like many of your suggestions, I need to feel a twinkle
to revise it once more.
nibbed
(08-19-2017, 05:13 AM)The Four-Eyed Cat Wrote: [quote="nibbed" pid='232297' dateline='1502762270']
2nd revision w/title change
The Contentment of His Creation
He sends comfort
during lonely tribulation, Lonely tribulation really strikes me. Great stanza
distractions:
His powerful billows
gently dab the firmaments, Love the contradictionary nature of this stanza powerful billows/'gently' dabbing
forming whimsy caricature;
He waves mystery's handiwork,
displays feathers & frond. Amazing sentence
His angels stand cornered
offering wind Comparing to the other stanzas, this one feels a bit lacking.
only at His direction 'Wildflower' seems a bit out of context (or i'm just missing the reference)
teasing hints, done
in fragrant wildflower.
He soothes tormented ears
in auditions of sparrow, Making the animals plural would sound better
cricket & frog;
boasting His pure galleries
in precious, brilliant, song. Great ending, i'd cut 'brilliant' out, though. That seems to add better to the flow (You can also
ORIGINAL
True Beauty
He sends comfort
in lonely tribulation,
creating distraction:
His firmaments
daub in powerful billows,
forming softened
whimsy caricatures;
His handiwork
displays a mystery
found only in feathers & frond.
Directing windy offerings
of cornered angels
teasing in hints
of sweetened honeysuckle
& wild carrots
crocheted in blooms of white,
He soothes
tormented ears
with the auditions
of sparrows,
crickets & frogs;
boasting purest galleries
in precious, brilliant, song.
Without a doubt this is the best work i've had the pleasure of reading from you yet, Jeanine. The overall angelic experience is soothing, proofing that religiously themed poetry can be mellow and tranquil while not being zealous or evangelical. I'm sorry that my feedback is rather lacking, but take that as a compliment, as this i find this work filled to the brim with grace.
Hi Four-eyed cat
thank you for your kind words and for taking time to critique my poem.
I appreciate your compliment. I felt very happy and blest when I wrote it.
nibbed
(08-25-2017, 10:18 PM)Achebe Wrote: (08-15-2017, 10:57 AM)nibbed Wrote: 2nd revision w/title change
The Contentment of His Creation
He sends comfort
during lonely tribulation, ....'during' doesn't fit the metre. I preferred the original 'in', and didn't find it ambiguous.
distractions: ...whether it's 'in', or 'during', sending comfort during distractions is hard to understand. Maybe if you replaced 'distractions' with a more apt word?
His powerful billows ... as a general rule, I think adjectives are best avoided in poetry.
gently dab the firmaments,
forming whimsy caricature;
He waves mystery's handiwork,
displays feathers & frond.
His angels stand cornered
offering wind
only at His direction
teasing hints, done
in fragrant wildflower.
He soothes tormented ears
in auditions of sparrow,
cricket & frog;
boasting His pure galleries
in precious, brilliant, song...I would avoid the second adjective.
ORIGINAL
True Beauty
He sends comfort
in lonely tribulation,
creating distraction:
His firmaments
daub in powerful billows,
forming softened
whimsy caricatures;
His handiwork
displays a mystery
found only in feathers & frond.
Directing windy offerings
of cornered angels
teasing in hints
of sweetened honeysuckle
& wild carrots
crocheted in blooms of white,
He soothes
tormented ears
with the auditions
of sparrows,
crickets & frogs;
boasting purest galleries
in precious, brilliant, song.
This is one of your better works, because the Christianising isn't overt.
Thank you Achebe.
I think you may be right about the "in". I thank you for reading my poem and considering it for critique.
I am sorry it took so long to reply. I couldn't make heads or tails of the queue of critique. Even now I am
not sure I am posting properly. Thank you kindly
nibbed
(09-08-2017, 04:45 PM)billy Wrote: For me the poem is trying too hard and reads as bland in too many parts. this is the "creator" that's being spoke of, he needs to be seen. there needs to be less on the idea of god and more images of him. he needs to be made human in order for us to see him as god. [just my opinion probably] the first stanza feels weak as does the 2nd and others.
He soothes tormented ears
in auditions of sparrow,
cricket & frog;
build on images like the one above. possibly give more depth to what you've already written.
god poems like love poems generally need to be very good and very original to pass the tiniest of scrutiny. they need to hold the reader.
(08-15-2017, 10:57 AM)nibbed Wrote: 2nd revision w/title change
The Contentment of His Creation the title is much better and lends one to instantly know what type of poem it will be.
He sends comfort why and what for?
during lonely tribulation, what tribulations, show some?
distractions: what distractions. give us an image.
His powerful billows
gently dab the firmaments,
forming whimsy caricature;
He waves mystery's handiwork,
displays feathers & frond.
His angels stand cornered
offering wind
only at His direction
teasing hints, done
in fragrant wildflower.
He soothes tormented ears
in auditions of sparrow,
cricket & frog;
boasting His pure galleries
in precious, brilliant, song.
thank you billy
it's a great critique
I need to get my "groove back" to do a revision
I've lost the spirit of the poem, somehow.
I wonder if that's common for poets?
Have a blessed day.
nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 24
Threads: 7
Joined: Jul 2017
Really don't like the first verse. The rest is pretty good. Some nice images that pull one in a bit. Overall very nice.
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
(09-16-2017, 12:09 PM)Yjack123 Wrote: Really don't like the first verse. The rest is pretty good. Some nice images that pull one in a bit. Overall very nice.
Jack, thank you for considering my poem
and for the kind comments.
nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
|
