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This morning feels exceptional,
each moment feels benign.
The innocence in the atmosphere
foretells of rare magic.
The sky, the birds, the treetops,
demand musical applause.
I feel an urge to please them,
so I whistle to comply.
Lost in this melodic trance,
my gaze drifts lazily down.
I let it follow a languid leaf,
as it spirals to the ground.
Rudely, here my eyes are met
with a most incongruous sight..
tearing through my tranquil thoughts,
were massive, jagged claws.
A mountainous grey and calloused beast,
with rusty daggers for its teeth,
sits in a crouch in a neighbour's lawn,
staring straight at the sun.
Deep lines run 'cross its stone hard face.
These lines speak of violence.
I imagine them filling and swelling with blood,
as sharp teeth pierce its prey.
Its sinuous limbs look merciless,
its tail is crowned with spikes.
Each atom of its countenance
is redolent with spite.
I am standing still, struck with awe,
wondering at its purpose.
When all at once its head tilts back,
its mouth opens wide.
My head fills with a thousand screams,
I am deafened, I cannot hear my thoughts,
reflexively, I start to run
to escape, or to die trying.
I turn the corner at the end of the street,
I jump into a bush to hide.
I am trying to breathe soundlessly,
I wish my heartbeat would subside.
I've counted to a thousand now,
there's still no sign of the creature..
Impatience is getting the better of me,
I want my verdict now!
Slowly, carefully, I rise to a stand,
and peak into my street.
The beast still sits the neighbour's lawn,
curled up in a sleep.
Everything was good I guess but why where you afraid of him? Like was there a history, must be. It was anti climactic
Could have been better with reason behind it just my opinion
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Overall, good work! I like the measured meter--gives it a whimsical feel that's a lot of fun. The occasional use of rhyme gives it a lyrical sound too.
I think maybe some of the images you use are a bit cheesy/overused. There's nothing necessarily wrong with it, but it does give the language a more common tone. In some places, I also thought you could condense multiple lines into one.
More is pointed out in bold below 
(08-02-2017, 06:28 PM)typing mantis Wrote: This bright and cheerful morning
I step out of my door.
The air is warm and breezy,
it caresses my brow.
The lines in this stanza are all kinda generic. I wonder if you could either use more specific images, or just combine it into the second one?
The sky, the birds, the treetops,
demand musical applause.
I feel an urge to please them,
I like this line "an urge to please" "demand musical applause"
a whistle stirs my soul.
Lost in this melodic trance,
my gaze drifts lazily down.
I let it follow a languid leaf,
as it spirals to the ground.
But what is this I now behold?!
I would either use more specific wording to give the "!?" tone, or just put an exclamation mark
Surely, this is a trick!
For it simply cannot be,
that a monster sits next door.
Its hideous head is huge and red,
its body glows with hidden embers.
The sinuous tail is slowly swaying,
to a treacherous tune that speaks of death.
If my tongue wasn't suddenly dry,
and my limbs weren't suddenly frozen,
I'd have expressed my indignation
at this rude, improper intrusion.
But as it is, I am standing still,
silently watching the creature.
"silently" doesn't sound scared enough for a reaction to me, but maybe it's on purpose?
It seems to be unaware of me,
it seems absorbed in a book.
But I know better than to trust
this scheming, plotting, malicious beast.
It's waiting for my guard to drop,
and in that moment it will pounce.
All thoughts of peace have left me now,
and in their place there's heavy dread.
I dare not blink, nor breathe too hard,
I would just go with "I dare not blink. I dare not breathe." but I also think this and the "heart pounding" line are both pretty typical
I wish my heart'd stop pounding.
On a fleeting whim, I decide to run.
I'm so confused by the narrator. Runs away on a fleeting whim, but is so scared they can't blink/breathe?
Let the dragon get me if it will!
As I see it, I'm doomed anyway,
I might as well die trying.
Could refine the meter for this stanza :-)
After three endless seconds,
I've finally reached the end of the street.
I sit here crouching under a bush.
I know the monster's coming.
I have been sitting motionless,
and quite some time has passed.
Even the sun has moved in the sky,
You probably don't need a full stanza to say that time has passed 
it's now right overhead.
Slowly, carefully, I rise to a stand,
and peak into my street.
The monster hasn't moved and inch,
it's still flicking through its book.
And so it goes :-)
Link to my blog, where I post poetry and occasionally some prose
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hi typing mantis
for some reason, i picture a big friendly monster, one misunderstood, in a bright and colourful children's book.
forgive my movement of script, it just did that when I copy and pasted.
This bright and cheerful morning bright and cheerful, warm and breezy seemed cliche,
I step out of my door. but for me personally i haven't a problem with it
The air is warm and breezy,
it caresses my brow.
The sky, the birds, the treetops,
demand musical applause.
I feel an urge to please them,
a whistle stirs my soul. it would be nice to include a choice of tune, at least the title of a song made up or real
Lost in this melodic trance, I like this stanza and the rhyme.
my gaze drifts lazily down.
I let it follow a languid leaf,
as it spirals to the ground.
But what is this I now behold?!
Surely, this is a trick!
For it simply cannot be,
that a monster sits next door. there goes the neighborhood!
Its hideous head is huge and red,
its body glows with hidden embers.
The sinuous tail is slowly swaying,
to a treacherous tune that speaks of death. is that the whistling the speaker shared, or a tune its own?
If my tongue wasn't suddenly dry, two suddenlys are two too many
and my limbs weren't suddenly frozen, maybe doubly, numbly, quickly, anything cool two syllable
I'd have expressed my indignation
at this rude, improper intrusion.
But as it is, I am standing still,
silently watching the creature.
It seems to be unaware of me,
it seems absorbed in a book.
But I know better than to trust
this scheming, plotting, malicious beast.
It's waiting for my guard to drop,
and in that moment it will pounce.
All thoughts of peace have left me now,
and in their place there's heavy dread.
I dare not blink, nor breathe too hard,
I wish my heart'd stop pounding.
On a fleeting whim, I decide to run.
Let the dragon get me if it will!
As I see it, I'm doomed anyway, some people choose this avenue
I might as well die trying.
After three endless seconds,
I've finally reached the end of the street.
I sit here crouching under a bush.
I know the monster's coming.
I have been sitting motionless,
and quite some time has passed.
Even the sun has moved in the sky,
it's now right overhead.
Slowly, carefully, I rise to a stand, this is where I thought the monster was going to inhale the speaker
and peak into my street.
The monster hasn't moved and inch,
it's still flicking through its book. but peace remained
I stumbled in places concerning meter
sometimes it's helpful for me
to "clap out" poems.
Clap at each syllable as I read it aloud.
It would be nice to see it worked into
consistent rhyme, but it was light and colourful.
Thank you for the read.
nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
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Thanks all! I think I understand now what's missing. I am on it!
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08-04-2017, 06:07 PM
(This post was last modified: 08-07-2017, 09:00 PM by billy.)
The sky, the birds, the treetops,
demand musical applause.
I feel an urge to please them,
a whistle stirs my soul.
the above stanza has a lot going for it, in fact it's bloody good. though not keen on soul; it does work. what lets the bones of a good poem down are all the cliched and well used phrases.
just to point out a few, there's a lot more:
I dare not blink
I wish my heart'd stop pounding.
I might as well die trying.
try and make each line as original as you can, if you write something that looks familiar to you when you come to edit, the odds are it's a cliche and already worn out.
Mantis,
I enjoyed the vivd languange of this poem. I felt I could picture your thoughts very clearly, which really grabbed my attention. Your choice of meter reminded me a bit of a nursery rhyme and I found it an intriguing way to write about a situation. Occassionally, your choice of words sounded off to me, like the line ending in "soul". Some of your lines started strong but ended up falling flat. I would maybe rethink some of your wording to give this more of a sense of urgency.
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(08-07-2017, 07:03 AM)Opal Wrote: Mantis,
I enjoyed the vivd languange of this poem. I felt I could picture your thoughts very clearly, which really grabbed my attention. Your choice of meter reminded me a bit of a nursery rhyme and I found it an intriguing way to write about a situation. Occassionally, your choice of words sounded off to me, like the line ending in "soul". Some of your lines started strong but ended up falling flat. I would maybe rethink some of your wording to give this more of a sense of urgency.
Thanks for pointing out the weak lines. I think I recognize them. Let me try and replace them
The poem has some interesting rhymes, but overall, it feels soulless and too formulaic. I don’t feel the magic of the morning, because the descriptors are too cliche - e.g. magic, exceptional. musical, soul, etc. The same is true for the fear that’s supposed to climb through out, words like - blood, violence, merciless, etc. I also think it could be shortened, which could help make it more precise.
This morning feels exceptional,
each moment feels benign.
The innocence in the atmosphere
foretells of rare magic.
This sets a peaceful scene well and is a hint of what is around as I already seem engaged to see where you go with this, my style of critique is read in bits and do it as I havent read the next piece so my thoughts are for first time readers of it and how my it holds them into the rest of the work.
The sky, the birds, the treetops,
demand musical applause.
I feel an urge to please them,
so I whistle to comply.
Already setting the scenery well as you convey your connection to it while personifying the nature that seems to surround you.
Lost in this melodic trance,
my gaze drifts lazily down.
I let it follow a languid leaf,
as it spirals to the ground.
Very good detail there, it shows your focus to small details to give the reader a visual look at your words.
Rudely, here my eyes are met
with a most incongruous sight..
tearing through my tranquil thoughts,
were massive, jagged claws.
Up until this point you weaved through peaceful scenery and detail then you abruptly bring in the beast you aforementioned in the title. I think a good choice because of the style you went for is a name change of the title so as readers go they feel your imagery and spring the beast as more of a small surprise as you seem to be able to capture the reader with your first few lines.
A mountainous grey and calloused beast,
with rusty daggers for its teeth,
sits in a crouch in a neighbour's lawn,
staring straight at the sun.
Deep lines run 'cross its stone hard face.
These lines speak of violence.
I imagine them filling and swelling with blood,
as sharp teeth pierce its prey.
Its sinuous limbs look merciless,
its tail is crowned with spikes.
Each atom of its countenance
is redolent with spite.
This was some good detail you speak very well of what it looks like, since i haven't read further yet as I described my style of critique
is to add its sounds and how it moves to give the full weight of what your seeing in it.
I am standing still, struck with awe,
wondering at its purpose.
When all at once its head tilts back,
its mouth opens wide.
My head fills with a thousand screams,
I am deafened, I cannot hear my thoughts,
reflexively, I start to run
to escape, or to die trying.
I've counted to a thousand now,
there's still no sign of the creature..
Impatience is getting the better of me,
I want my verdict now!
nice use of verdict in the last line it conveys your conscience is wrestling with itself to move or stay. trying to decide if you going to live or die. Also as a sense of the anxiety a courtroom owes to as a jury decides a defendants fate.
Slowly, carefully, I rise to a stand,
and peak into my street.
The beast still sits the neighbour's lawn,
curled up in a sleep.
You make a small twist on bringing it to your world, at your beginning you never mention the world your in, you just describe it as peaceful until the beast arrives to seek out a prey in you. It leaves the reader wondering what you define as a beast which again i think is a good choice not to reveal referring back to my note on poetry being a powerful way for abstraction and interpretation. well done! > <
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"Lost in this melodic trance,
my gaze drifts lazily down.
I let it follow a languid leaf,
as it spirals to the ground."
hello, i think this stanza is one of the most beautiful. it places a reflection that eases a kind of languid break in the whole poem, transferring the reader into a one on one exposition. overall its pleasant, marking tendencies very relatable in each of us but also gleaming with your own musk.
choice of words are always a tussle, many sounding oblique and general. but also with this i think it is important as much of the time readers have to fill their own shelves and not just accumulate the whole poem into their definition.
anyway, i appreciate the thread
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