GIRLHOOD

[wordgobbler]

so w/ this poem I focused on the fact that some people have childhoods they need to recover from. In this poem, the character's were raised w/ their parents stripping them of their identities aside from being feminine in the most traditional sense. 

While in, ribbons around my throat
As they knitted my hair out of streamers.
Manners for every meal with crushed 
Ignorance to wash it all down. I yearned 
Stupidly: rocking chair. Light bulb. Scissors.
I kept having a dream about being in a
Garage, the smell of wood thick, and hitting
The ground until it sank beneath my crooked
Fist. I always cried when I awoke. 

Once out, I slept naked whenever I could,
Shaved my head and crammed my apartment. 
I spent stupidly: name tag. Notepad. Sheer Curtains. 
I kept waking up in the middle of the night, scared 
There would be somebody to drag me back. 

I washed my clothes and you came home with me
And that was that. She got you too, sometimes I 
Think worse, right by the fucking wrist. Sometimes 
You would turn to me in the morning when you 
Thought I was asleep and whisper it - "Am I pretty?"
And each time I kept my eyes closed. 

Each year, the farther we got from her the harder 
We had to bite down. When we died, our teeth, 
Dulled and soft, were put into a museum built out 
Of clay. That winter it was burnt down. Our teeth 
remained - pearls in ashes.

[Raspberry Lemonade]

worsgobbler,

Wow, this poem showcases words put in pretty places and a story that hopefully few of your audience can relate to.

As for the advice, my first tip is to NOT include your paragraph at the beginning. Sure, it helps your audience gain a larger understanding, but another important part of poetry is finding a way to relay what you're trying to say with mere lines of stanzas, erecting descriptors to everyday things and call it a beauty, lifting impossible metaphors into your work and hope, just hope the audience will understand. By relaying what the poem means, we aren't open to much interpretation, and what the poem means to us.

*I personally think you should post this poem in a thread that is a tier higher than this, for the reason that you seem familiar with poetry, and I assume the higher the tier, the more experienced writers you will encounter*

The structure of the poem is a bit odd (but that might just be a me thing). When a line ends, I automatically pause before the next sentence, which wouldn't work well. I'm going to assume the audience as a whole feels the same way.

"Manners for every meal with crushed 

Ignorance to wash it all down. I yearned 
Stupidly: rocking chair. Light bulb. Scissors."

In a layout such as the one you propose, this defeats the purpose of your lines creating powerful and lasting lines (which I should add, the last part of the poem does wonderful at). Pausing after each finish becomes tedious when it's supposed to continue. If this as purposeful, I recommend waiting for another reply about it. If it disagrees, do as you will. But if it agrees, I say take some more thought into it. 

- cue abrupt ending -

Raspberry Lemonade

[Achebe]

so w/ this poem I focused on the fact that some people have childhoods they need to recover from. In this poem, the character's were raised w/ their parents stripping them of their identities aside from being feminine in the most traditional sense. 

While in, ribbons around my throat ...the 'while in' isn't cleared up until the 'once out' in S2, which is a bit confusing
As they knitted my hair out of streamers. 
Manners for every meal with crushed 
Ignorance to wash it all down. I yearned  ....I like 'crushed ignorance'. Nice jamb.
Stupidly: rocking chair. Light bulb. Scissors. ...nice set of disjointed images that conveys restlessness
I kept having a dream about being in a 
Garage, the smell of wood thick, and hitting
The ground until it sank beneath my crooked
Fist. I always cried when I awoke.  .... a fine ending. The dream is somewhat bewildering, and leads on nicely from the images above

Once out, I slept naked whenever I could, .... 'slept naked' can be interpreted variously. Smart.
Shaved my head and crammed my apartment. 
I spent stupidly: name tag. Notepad. Sheer Curtains. ....I like how this repeats the pattern in S1
I kept waking up in the middle of the night, scared 
There would be somebody to drag me back.  .... I like how you haven't lost the thread here.

I washed my clothes and you came home with me
And that was that. She got you too, sometimes I 
Think worse, right by the fucking wrist. Sometimes ... the 'fucking wrist' is mysterious. Not sure if it's referring to corporal punishment or not. Why wrist?
You would turn to me in the morning when you 
Thought I was asleep and whisper it - "Am I pretty?"
And each time I kept my eyes closed. ... I interpret this as - the sister was brought up with low self confidence. Why the narrator kept her eyes closed is not fully revealed - maybe she thought the question was silly, maybe she was jealous, maybe she was tired of being the stronger person - and I like the ambiguity.

Each year, the farther we got from her the harder 
We had to bite down. When we died, our teeth, 
Dulled and soft, were put into a museum built out 
Of clay. That winter it was burnt down. Our teeth  ...in bold - I find this to be outstanding imagery, but the metaphor leaves me confused. The museum of clay is the body, the teeth were dulled from 'biting down', and some winter, the body perished. Except the body couldn't really have perished, only the spirit, unless the narrator is a ghost. The 'it' is therefore confusing.
remained - pearls in ashes. ..splendid

There's a tightly controlled storyline, good use of enjambment, good rhythm and pacing, and some memorable imagery.
Very well done.

Some nits:- i) if you have to explain your poem, that's half the battle lost. In this instance, without the explanation the poem becomes hard to follow. You need to incorporate the preamble in the body of the poem itself in some way ii) on this site, we don't capitalise the start of every line unless it's a new sentence.

[The Gray]

I'm new here, never critiqued anyones writing before, but I do have one thought. The way you start the next line with a capitalized letter, even though it's the same sentence is a bit distracting. I keep wanting to pause and get tripped up.

[typing mantis]

I love the first two stanzas of your poem. The comparison of the past and the present lifestyles is very stark, and the girl's state of mind through it all is very well expressed.
I especially liked the description of the dream.
I found parts of the third paragraphs pretty confusing though. I don't understand the relevance of the washing of clothes. And I don't understand "She got you too, sometimes I
Think worse, right by the fucking wrist."  I see that the first girl suspects the second one had it worse, but what is the relevance of the wrist here?
The last stanza is brilliant! Thanks for the read!

[RiverNotch]

 
The opening paragraph is silly. The poem is clear enough as it is in conveying all that -- spilling the beans so early is distracting to those who are patient, and detracting to those who are not.
While in, ribbons around my throat
As they knitted my hair out of streamers.
Manners for every meal with crushed 
Ignorance to wash it all down. I yearned 
Stupidly: rocking chair. Light bulb. Scissors. Hot and choking. 
I kept having a dream about being in a
Garage, the smell of wood thick, and hitting Then somewhat cooler, yet still choking -- choking chemically, instead of physically.
The ground until it sank beneath my crooked
Fist. I always cried when I awoke. The jaunty enjambments of this whole stanza is definitely something to be commended -- frenetic, stuttering, all with purpose. Although there are a few points of confusion: "while in", as already mentioned, and "yearned" are made clear only on reaching the next stanza. 

Once out, I slept naked whenever I could,
Shaved my head and crammed my apartment. Crammed....with what? I mean, it is made somewhat clear by the following lines, but it reads as awkwardly as the above-mentioned points of confusion.
I spent stupidly: name tag. Notepad. Sheer Curtains. 
I kept waking up in the middle of the night, scared 
There would be somebody to drag me back. Wee point: I think, cadence-wise, "There'd be someone to drag me back" would be better.

I washed my clothes and you came home with me
And that was that. She got you too, sometimes I 
Think worse, right by the fucking wrist. Sometimes 
You would turn to me in the morning when you 
Thought I was asleep and whisper it - "Am I pretty?"
And each time I kept my eyes closed. This stanza just doesn't work for me. The mood of a lost childhood was clear in the first two stanzas. Then, in this stanza, the speaker moves on to something else -- the speaker introduces a "you". This addressed seems to have the same lost childhood as the speaker, and the intimacy of the following actions suggests that he or she is a sibling, but that isn't made very clear -- I at first imagined this "you" was the speaker's younger self, as nothing concrete actually ties the addressed to the world of the speaker. "I washed my clothes" doesn't evoke the moment the "you" came home with the speaker, since the rest of the stanza doesn't have imagery to support it, unlike the various interjections of the first two stanzas. "She got you too" doesn't evoke any memories of abuse, especially because the single suggestion of actual abuse in the earlier stanzas, "hitting the floor", is undermined by its being presented via dream, and by the other lines suggesting a position of privilege, eg "Manners for every meal"; and because "right by the fucking wrist" sounds more like a suicide attempt than some form of physical abuse (and if the speaker is telegraphing that the mental illness that caused such as an attempt was because of the household, I refer to the earlier part of this sentence). And everything else isn't as packed as the first two stanzas, with "Am I pretty?" not saying anything to me because of the aforementioned nebulous nature of the addressed. Ultimately, because the addressed isn't well defined, or the real nature of the old household's darkness is never made entirely clear, this introduction to a new character and situation in the poem fails to say what it wants to say, and thus feels superfluous.

Each year, the farther we got from her the harder 
We had to bite down. When we died, our teeth, 
Dulled and soft, were put into a museum built out Another wee point: "...were put in a museum..." sounds more natural, I think...
Of clay. That winter it was burnt down. Our teeth ...as well as "That winter it burned down."...
remained - pearls in ashes. ...and, instead of an em dash that adds an unnecessary breath, just a comma.
And, though this stanza I think is about as good as the first two, none of this solves any of the problems I had with the third, unlike when the second stanza clarified a few bits of the first. Again, it's the lack of specificity -- even if you don't make it clear whether the addressed is a sibling or not, at least make it clear what sort of relationship he or she has with the speaker, whether, for example, their lying together to sleep is something supposed to be rooted in the speaker's nightmares or in the speaker's physical world. Otherwise, the work's already quite strong, and yes, I know this is Basic, but most of my words are for only one big point anyway.