Ok, Sylvester, I'm Your Penelope
#1
Edit 2:


We were sitting backs to the ledge

on the rooftop, and she began to scream at me, 

she pushed me to topple her over the wall, 

and onto the mattresses, that were stacked two high,

below the four story building's height.



Like a lady bug, she floated down to lie on her back,

as they do in grasses, when they look like they’ve passed away.

she was very upset with me,

with her sloppily arranged gibson girl hair.



She landed, on her floral pattern softness

stood and shouted, "Where is my castle?!" 

stomped up her own stone steps, and to her own door, 

she hated her room, and I laughed on the roof, 

as she shouted at her now strange paintings of hers,

and she made little quarter turns, and peered through her apartment,







and we fought over morning coffee,

of which I couldn't finish, 

though it was Nicaraguan,

and had hailed from an acquaintance's 

farm in that southern continent.



she moved on so quickly, and is deft

when I make fun of her, 

by sticking metaphors in emails, 

right where she knows to look for my nudges of questions, 

without question marks, so I can ask advice on my work, 

because she knows that I can’t go in her apartment anymore.



I liked her things too much.



and she took pictures, 

of her newly re-invented self, down in LA, with my favorite faces on,

on her new queen sized bed, in her flat, in the hills.



and a video of her after she had been crying,

Glancing, as she does, to the left, with eyes buggy to tell me, 



you left me, now go, just go… go.


Edit 1:

We were to the left of the rooftop doorway, 

backs to the ledge, and she began to scream at me, 

she pushed me to topple her over the wall, 

and onto the mattresses below, that were stacked two high,

below the four story building's height.




Like a lady bug, she floated down to lie on her back, 

as they do in grasses, when they look like they’ve passed away. 

she was very upset with me,

with her sloppily arranged gibson girl hair.



She landed, on her floral pattern softness, 

stood and shouted, "Where is my castle?!" 

stomped up her own stone steps, and to her door, 

she hated her room, and I laughed on the roof, 

as she shouted at her newly thieved, but still placed paintings of hers, 

she didn’t like her things owning her, and she made little quarter turns,

and peered through her apartment,



and we fought over a morning coffee,

of which I couldn't finish, 

though it was Nicaraguan and

had hailed from an acquaintance's farm in

that southern continent.



she moved on so quickly, and is deft

when I make fun of her, 

by sticking metaphors in emails, 

right where she knows to look for my nudges of questions, 

without question marks, so I can ask advice on my work, 

because she knows that I can’t go in her apartment anymore.



I liked her things too much. 



and she took pictures, 

of her newly re-invented self, down in LA, with my favorite faces on,

on her new queen sized bed, in her flat, in the hills.



and a video of her after she had been crying,





Glancing, as she does, to the left, with eyes buggy to tell me, 


you left me, now go, just go… go.


v.1

I was sitting with her, towards the left of the rooftop doorway, 
backs to the ledge, and she began to scream at me, 
she pushed me to topple her over the wall, 
and onto the mattresses below, that were stacked two high,
below the four story building's height.


Like a lady bug, she floated down to lie on her back, 
as they do in grasses, when they look like they’ve passed away. 
she was very upset with me,
with her sloppily arranged gibson girl hair.

She landed, like a pebble, on her floral pattern softness, 
stood and shouted, "Where is my castle?!" 
stomped up her own stone steps, and to her door, 
she hated her room, and I laughed on the roof, 
she shouted at her newly thieved, but still placed paintings of hers, 
she didn’t like her things owning her, and she made little quarter turns,
and peered through her apartment,

She made fun of me inside, for pushing a girl as pretty as her,
And we fought over a mostly silent coffee and reading,
And at the art show, where she studied,
And at the pizza place, with her flat billed hat on,
And, as she’s making quite clear, 

when I make fun of her, 
by sticking metaphors in emails, 
right where she’s knows to look for my nudges of questions, 
without question marks, so I can ask advice on my work, 
because she knows that I can’t go in her apartment anymore.

I liked her things too much. 

and she took pictures, 
of her newly re-invented self, down in LA, with my favorite faces on,
on her new queen sized bed, in her flat, in the hills.

and a video of her after she had been crying,


Glancing, as she does, to the left, with eyes buggy to tell me, 

you left me, now go, just go… go.
Reply
#2
Hi Solstice
I realy enjoyed the poem. Great title lets us know where we are. You have a freshness about this piece that presents itself well offering new light through old windows, afterall break up is a well covered topic. Nice job. Best Keith

(07-15-2017, 09:52 AM)Solstice Wrote:  I was sitting with her, towards the left of the rooftop doorway, 
backs to the ledge, and she began to scream at me, 
she pushed me to topple her over the wall, 
and onto the mattresses below, that were stacked two high,
below the four story building's height. I like the break up metaphor of throwing her off the roof to a soft landing the stanza could do with a trim, adjusting to remove the fill words


Like a lady bug, she floated down to lie on her back, 
as they do in grasses, when they look like they’ve passed away. 
she was very upset with me,
with her sloppily arranged gibson girl hair. this is again nice use of a simarly within the metaphor and the details of stanza tells the reader that the N still loves the girl

She landed, like a pebble, on her floral pattern softness,  ok its a slow fall but a lovely image all the same
stood and shouted, "Where is my castle?!" 
stomped up her own stone steps, and to her door, 
she hated her room, and I laughed on the roof, 
she shouted at her newly thieved, but still placed paintings of hers, 
she didn’t like her things owning her, and she made little quarter turns,
and peered through her apartment, well described temper tantrum and her pushing him away, you have some great images here and I particularly enjoyed the stone steps.

She made fun of me inside, for pushing a girl as pretty as her,
And we fought over a mostly silent coffee and reading,
And at the art show, where she studied,
And at the pizza place, with her flat billed hat on,
And, as she’s making quite clear,  all the ands dont work for me this stanza need work since this is the actual breaking up

when I make fun of her, 
by sticking metaphors in emails, 
right where she’s knows to look for my nudges of questions, 
without question marks, so I can ask advice on my work, 
because she knows that I can’t go in her apartment anymore.

I liked her things too much.  lovely line that works hard to give the reader information...he still loves her

and she took pictures, 
of her newly re-invented self, down in LA, with my favorite faces on,
on her new queen sized bed, in her flat, in the hills.

and a video of her after she had been crying, I like these images social media springs to mind and the offer hope that she still loves the N.


Glancing, as she does, to the left, with eyes buggy to tell me, 

you left me, now go, just go… go. great ending bringing everything into perspective.

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Reply
#3
Thanks, Keith. I think you may be right about the ands, as it seems a bit children's-book ish, now that you mention it.
Reply
#4
Edit 1:

We were to the left of the rooftop doorway, 

backs to the ledge, and she began to scream at me, 

she pushed me to topple her over the wall, 

and onto the mattresses below, that were stacked two high,

below the four story building's height.




Like a lady bug, she floated down to lie on her back, 

as they do in grasses, when they look like they’ve passed away. 

she was very upset with me,

with her sloppily arranged gibson girl hair.                                            ~I googled Gibson Girl, I had forgotten



She landed, on her floral pattern softness,                                            ~I'm confused, how can she land softly on two mattresses from four stories?

stood and shouted, "Where is my castle?!" 

stomped up her own stone steps, and to her door, 

she hated her room, and I laughed on the roof, 

as she shouted at her newly thieved, but still placed paintings of hers, 

she didn’t like her things owning her, and she made little quarter turns,

and peered through her apartment,



and we fought over a morning coffee,

of which I couldn't finish, 

though it was Nicaraguan and

had hailed from an acquaintance's farm in

that southern continent.



she moved on so quickly, and is deft                                                     ~interesting wordplay                          

when I make fun of her, 

by sticking metaphors in emails, 

right where she’s knows to look for my nudges of questions,                 ~she

without question marks, so I can ask advice on my work, 

because she knows that I can’t go in her apartment anymore.            



I liked her things too much. 



and she took pictures, 

of her newly re-invented self, down in LA, with my favorite faces on,

on her new queen sized bed, in her flat, in the hills.



and a video of her after she had been crying,





Glancing, as she does, to the left, with eyes buggy to tell me,                 ~buggy eyes just made me want to laugh
                                                                                                                I also like how it ties into the ladybug reference above.

you left me, now go, just go… go.                                                          ~this could go go go in many directions



hi, solstice.
this was a fine poem
it had a wonderful feel to it,
I closed my mind's eyes
and pictured the scene.
thank you

nibbed                                      
there's always a better reason to love
Reply
#5
(07-18-2017, 08:27 AM)nibbed Wrote:  Edit 1:

We were to the left of the rooftop doorway, 

backs to the ledge, and she began to scream at me, 

she pushed me to topple her over the wall, 

and onto the mattresses below, that were stacked two high,

below the four story building's height.




Like a lady bug, she floated down to lie on her back, 

as they do in grasses, when they look like they’ve passed away. 

she was very upset with me,

with her sloppily arranged gibson girl hair.                                            ~I googled Gibson Girl, I had forgotten



She landed, on her floral pattern softness,                                            ~I'm confused, how can she land softly on two mattresses from four stories?

stood and shouted, "Where is my castle?!" 

stomped up her own stone steps, and to her door, 

she hated her room, and I laughed on the roof, 

as she shouted at her newly thieved, but still placed paintings of hers, 

she didn’t like her things owning her, and she made little quarter turns,

and peered through her apartment,



and we fought over a morning coffee,

of which I couldn't finish, 

though it was Nicaraguan and

had hailed from an acquaintance's farm in

that southern continent.



she moved on so quickly, and is deft                                                     ~interesting wordplay                          

when I make fun of her, 

by sticking metaphors in emails, 

right where she’s knows to look for my nudges of questions,                 ~she

without question marks, so I can ask advice on my work, 

because she knows that I can’t go in her apartment anymore.            



I liked her things too much. 



and she took pictures, 

of her newly re-invented self, down in LA, with my favorite faces on,

on her new queen sized bed, in her flat, in the hills.



and a video of her after she had been crying,





Glancing, as she does, to the left, with eyes buggy to tell me,                 ~buggy eyes just made me want to laugh
                                                                                                                I also like how it ties into the ladybug reference above.

you left me, now go, just go… go.                                                          ~this could go go go in many directions



hi, solstice.
this was a fine poem
it had a wonderful feel to it,
I closed my mind's eyes
and pictured the scene.
thank you

nibbed                                      

Thanks, nibbed. The landing softly was to be supposed from the ladybug reference. Embarrassed typo fixed.
Reply
#6
Hi Solstice,

Well, I came a bit late to this one. I haven't read the other reviews and I'll confine my comments to your recent edit.

(07-15-2017, 09:52 AM)Solstice Wrote:  Edit 1:

We were to the left of the rooftop doorway,--While this does fix the setting in our minds as first lines go it's a bit flat. Perhaps if you blending the "backs to the ledge" part into line one you could increase the tension and the need to read on. 

backs to the ledge, and she began to scream at me, --the energy starts here.

she pushed me to topple her over the wall, --This is a nice line. It carries the surprise of her actions causing her to fall. Sort of a metaphoric nod to the relationship.

and onto the mattresses below, that were stacked two high,

below the four story building's height.




Like a lady bug, she floated down to lie on her back, --A cartoon fall ignoring physics. I like it. It adds a sense of surreal melodrama.

as they do in grasses, when they look like they’ve passed away.--The last phrase is a nice add. It again adds a heightened artificial feeling to the moment. It implies certain things about the her of the piece. 

she was very upset with me,

with her sloppily arranged gibson girl hair.--Nice element with the hair.



She landed, on her floral pattern softness,--love the choices you made in this line. The phrasing works. 

stood and shouted, "Where is my castle?!" 

stomped up her own stone steps, and to her door,--optionally you could repeat "own" before door for structure. Just a thought. 

she hated her room, and I laughed on the roof, 

as she shouted at her newly thieved, but still placed paintings of hers,--newly thieved but still placed reads a bit awkwardly to me. 

she didn’t like her things owning her, and she made little quarter turns,--This second phrase feels like it should be on the line below. It slightly detracts from the first phrase.

and peered through her apartment,



and we fought over a morning coffee,--May not need the "a"

of which I couldn't finish, 

though it was Nicaraguan and--Not liking the break on "and"

had hailed from an acquaintance's farm in--Nor am I fond of this break on "in"

that southern continent.



she moved on so quickly, and is deft

when I make fun of her, 

by sticking metaphors in emails, 

right where she knows to look for my nudges of questions, 

without question marks, so I can ask advice on my work, 

because she knows that I can’t go in her apartment anymore.



I liked her things too much.--This is the reason I want to break up the above didn't like her things owning her piece. It needs to stand alone to play off this later line here. 



and she took pictures, 

of her newly re-invented self, down in LA, with my favorite faces on,

on her new queen sized bed, in her flat, in the hills.--this section holds together well.



and a video of her after she had been crying,





Glancing, as she does, to the left, with eyes buggy to tell me, 


you left me, now go, just go… go.
Enjoyed the read. 

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Reply
#7
(07-19-2017, 02:40 AM)Todd Wrote:  Hi Solstice,

Well, I came a bit late to this one. I haven't read the other reviews and I'll confine my comments to your recent edit.

(07-15-2017, 09:52 AM)Solstice Wrote:  Edit 1:

We were to the left of the rooftop doorway,--While this does fix the setting in our minds as first lines go it's a bit flat. Perhaps if you blending the "backs to the ledge" part into line one you could increase the tension and the need to read on. 

backs to the ledge, and she began to scream at me, --the energy starts here.

she pushed me to topple her over the wall, --This is a nice line. It carries the surprise of her actions causing her to fall. Sort of a metaphoric nod to the relationship.

and onto the mattresses below, that were stacked two high,

below the four story building's height.




Like a lady bug, she floated down to lie on her back, --A cartoon fall ignoring physics. I like it. It adds a sense of surreal melodrama.

as they do in grasses, when they look like they’ve passed away.--The last phrase is a nice add. It again adds a heightened artificial feeling to the moment. It implies certain things about the her of the piece. 

she was very upset with me,

with her sloppily arranged gibson girl hair.--Nice element with the hair.



She landed, on her floral pattern softness,--love the choices you made in this line. The phrasing works. 

stood and shouted, "Where is my castle?!" 

stomped up her own stone steps, and to her door,--optionally you could repeat "own" before door for structure. Just a thought. 

she hated her room, and I laughed on the roof, 

as she shouted at her newly thieved, but still placed paintings of hers,--newly thieved but still placed reads a bit awkwardly to me. 

she didn’t like her things owning her, and she made little quarter turns,--This second phrase feels like it should be on the line below. It slightly detracts from the first phrase.

and peered through her apartment,



and we fought over a morning coffee,--May not need the "a"

of which I couldn't finish, 

though it was Nicaraguan and--Not liking the break on "and"

had hailed from an acquaintance's farm in--Nor am I fond of this break on "in"

that southern continent.



she moved on so quickly, and is deft

when I make fun of her, 

by sticking metaphors in emails, 

right where she knows to look for my nudges of questions, 

without question marks, so I can ask advice on my work, 

because she knows that I can’t go in her apartment anymore.



I liked her things too much.--This is the reason I want to break up the above didn't like her things owning her piece. It needs to stand alone to play off this later line here. 



and she took pictures, 

of her newly re-invented self, down in LA, with my favorite faces on,

on her new queen sized bed, in her flat, in the hills.--this section holds together well.



and a video of her after she had been crying,





Glancing, as she does, to the left, with eyes buggy to tell me, 


you left me, now go, just go… go.

Enjoyed the read. 

Best,

Todd

thanks, Todd. Helped with some denouement issues, especially. 

I think with this critique, the poem should stand. Thanks, everyone!
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#8
Your latest edit is cleaner. I like what you've done. My only true call out is that I don't like the repetition of below in S1.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Reply
#9
Embarrassingly, I agree.
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