The Final Hour

[CRNDLSM]

Incinerate the liar, insinuating fire!
Destruction's a dumb, but default desire.
Over and under,  ready to retire,
squires get higher til their suppliers cut the wire.

Fist to the ground, reverberating sound,
bound to ideals you're tightly wound around.
Twisting a frown, you found it profound,
you surrounded the town but it's already burning down.

Over and under, in under an hour
I'm going down.

Pinching your purse, to try and reverse your thirst.
Coerced by the urge to splurge, and quench it first.
Rehearsing a curse because your headaches about to burst,
but can't reimburse the verse if it's the worst of the worst.

Bend in the wind to rejuvenate your power.
Don't worry about repercussions, and never cower.
Over and under, Babel builds a tower,
and no one's immune to the infernal Our. 

Over and under, in under an hour
I'm going down

[Ateri]

Incinerate the liar, insinuating fire!
Destruction's a dumb, but default desire.
Over and under,  grovel in the mire
Squires get higher til their suppliers cut the wire.

Fist to the ground, reverberating sound,
bound to ideals you're tightly wound around.
Twisting a frown, you found it profound,
you surrounded the town but it's already burning down.

Over and under, in under an hour
I'm going down.

Pinching your purse, to try and reverse your thirst.
Coerced by the urge to splurge, and quench it first.
Rehearsing a curse because your headaches about to burst,
but can't reimburse the verse if it's the worst of the worst.

Bend in the wind to rejuvenate your power.
Don't worry about repercussions, being called a coward.
Over and under, Babel builds a tower,
and no one's immune to the infernal Our. 

Over and under in under and hour
I'm going down

I liked your use of sonics throughout the poem. However, it was hard for me to grasp what the poem was actually about, whether it be an idea or event. In addition, some of the rhymes sound forced. For example, "Don't worry about repercussions, being called a coward.//Over and under, Babel builds a tower,". I would suggest including concrete ideas in the poem and working on creating more natural sounding rhymes. Great work so far.

[CRNDLSM]

Thanks ateri, I changed two rhymes
ready to retire instead of grovel in the mire, cause what's a mire? And never cower instead of called a coward.

About using words, you can talk and talk and talk but things still get confused and messed up. Each paragraph rhyme is for an element to encompass all life. Thanks for commenting !

[nibbed]

Hi, CRNDLSM.

I will attempt to offer a gentle critique,
make general comments. The poem
already seems nearly perfect.



Incinerate the liar, insinuating fire!
Destruction's a dumb, but default desire.
Over and under,  ready to retire,
squires get higher til their suppliers cut the wire.                                I detect a bully in this last line. Reminded me of a riverfront squabble.

Fist to the ground, reverberating sound,
bound to ideals you're tightly wound around.                                   Really good expression of frustration, and a rhyme to boot.
Twisting a frown, you found it profound,
you surrounded the town but it's already burning down.                   judgemental in many ways

Over and under, in under an hour                         
I'm going down.                                                                                 sad, troubling two lines. personal, a signature

Pinching your purse, to try and reverse your thirst.
Coerced by the urge to splurge, and quench it first.
Rehearsing a curse because your headaches about to burst,
but can't reimburse the verse if it's the worst of the worst.                  introspective

Bend in the wind to rejuvenate your power.
Don't worry about repercussions, and never cower.
Over and under, Babel builds a tower,
and no one's immune to the infernal Our.                                           thru torture, thoughtful encouragement toward another is admirable

Over and under in under and hour
I'm going down                                                                                  that signature again. oh, there's a typo on this line, perhaps.



there's a lot of gifted clever rhyme going on here.
I liked the cadence I made up in my head.
the poem was a bit troubling, reflected a disturbance,
though often my take on things is different than intent.
I wanted to see it as two poems, separated...
or a set of poems

ending in that signature.

Over and under in under an hour
I'm going down.

thank you for the read.
nibbed

[J.R.]

Incinerate the liar, insinuating fire!
Destruction's a dumb, but default desire.                                     
Over and under,  ready to retire,
squires get higher til their suppliers cut the wire.

Fist to the ground, reverberating sound,
bound to ideals you're tightly wound around.
Twisting a frown, you found it profound,
you surrounded the town but it's already burning down.

Over and under, in under an hour
I'm going down.

Pinching your purse, to try and reverse your thirst.
Coerced by the urge to splurge, and quench it first.
Rehearsing a curse because your headaches about to burst,
but can't reimburse the verse if it's the worst of the worst.

Bend in the wind to rejuvenate your power.
Don't worry about repercussions, and never cower.
Over and under, Babel builds a tower,
and no one's immune to the infernal Our. 

Over and under, in under an hour
I'm going down

I really like the vibe of the piece but I cant tell if the message is one of giving up or fighting back. Maybe it means by fighting you are going down. I don't like "bend in the wind to rejuvenate your power" because to me when something of someone bends to the wind they are structurally unsound so how is it rejuvenating power

[CRNDLSM]

Thanks nibbed I hit that typo,

Good point JR, I think I'll say bending the wind (controlling your words)



I really like the vibe of the piece but I cant tell if the message is one of giving up or fighting back. Maybe it means by fighting you are going down. I don't like "bend in the wind to rejuvenate your power" because to me when something of someone bends to the wind they are structurally unsound so how is it rejuvenating power
[/quote]

[Solstice]

Hi, CRNDLSM.

I like the poem, in its ready for action appearance.

I would have to disagree with one of the critiques, in that I think it is a sign of maturity to bend in the wind. It reminds me of a Bible verse that you may want to look up. "... but rather, like the palm, which bends in the wind, so as not to break."

It may give more credibility to the Babel reference.

[CRNDLSM]

Solstice, that is a stronger argument, and reinforces I think my original intent.  Vocally, 'bendin'' could be both.  

[wordgobbler]

Hi! So, first off I like the title it reminds me of a Stephen king story. It's so rare to see a poem that rhymes now a days. I think people are afraid of sounding childish or not taken seriously but I think it works in your favor in this poem. It ( the rhyming ) doesn't seem forced or awkward it helps with the flow of the poem. This is a really expressive poem that paints rich pictures!! Good job

[Raspberry Lemonade]

Wow, if only I can summon rhymes such as these.

I've found the flow of the poem to be a problem. Some lines have too little syllables to suffice, others too long. I don't know how to quote them ): due to how new I am, but by reading it aloud, you should find the places where some lines seem like they drift too far, and then the lines that feel empty after being said.

I find the quote under this, for example, being a syllable too long. An easy fix would be changing "burning" to "burnt," if it suits your taste.


"you surrounded the town but it's already burning down."

This was a nice read, I should say. I find this website having a lot of good poems (maybe it's just me being new), and I'm glad I had the chance to critique.

 Good luck!