Mother of Tunnels

[Radetof.Yahska]

v1.1

O Mother of Tunnels!
Eater of senses! 
I bow to you. 
Your hollows hide 
your acrid charms. 

Acolytes whirling, 
arms akimbo; 
their howling fills 
the outer worlds. 
Such nakedness 
devours the Earth. 

I come to dig 
'til all is light. 

Original:

Subtitle: Todo el mundo suda

O Mother of Tunnels! 
Eater of senses! 
I bow to you. 
Your hollows hide 
Your acrid charms. 

Acolytes whirling, 
Arms akimbo; 
Their howling fills 
the outer worlds. 
Such nakedness 
devours the Earth. 

I come to dig 
Till all is light. 

[vagabond]

Subtitle: Todo el mundo suda

O Mother of Tunnels!                  
Eater of senses!              sense has a double meaning, which is confusing (as it probably should be), I fit in the one that stands for meaning (for the moment)
I bow to you. 
Your hollows hide 
Your acrid charms.             interesting adjective for charms.. fits to these tunnels and draws attention to the subtitle (though I can´t decipher what the sweat could mean).

Acolytes whirling,             
Arms akimbo;                 akimbo goes well with acolytes who don´t think of themselves as such..
somehow I searched this line for the same meter as in  "acolytes whirling" (as well as in the first two lines of the first stanza)  but I can´t think of a way to realize that, not that it were that important anyway

Their howling fills  
the outer worlds.   
Such nakedness                  naked…  howling? makes me think you want to say that naked sense destroys earth…  and I don´t even have a clue who these acolytes belong to (what I read into this is probably far off, so this is just feedback on what your poem could say to readers)
devours the Earth.          

I come to dig     
Till all is light.     light and tunnels.. a dark association        
 

a mysterious poem I enjoyed reading, although it leaves me with questions.

[Radetof.Yahska]

Subtitle: Todo el mundo suda

O Mother of Tunnels!                  
Eater of senses!              sense has a double meaning, which is confusing (as it probably should be), I fit in the one that stands for meaning (for the moment)
I bow to you. 
Your hollows hide 
Your acrid charms.             interesting adjective for charms.. fits to these tunnels and draws attention to the subtitle (though I can´t decipher what the sweat could mean).

Acolytes whirling,             
Arms akimbo;                 akimbo goes well with acolytes who don´t think of themselves as such..
somehow I searched this line for the same meter as in  "acolytes whirling" (as well as in the first two lines of the first stanza)  but I can´t think of a way to realize that, not that it were that important anyway

Their howling fills  
the outer worlds.   
Such nakedness                  naked…  howling? makes me think you want to say that naked sense destroys earth…  and I don´t even have a clue who these acolytes belong to (what I read into this is probably far off, so this is just feedback on what your poem could say to readers)
devours the Earth.          

I come to dig     
Till all is light.     light and tunnels.. a dark association        
 

a mysterious poem I enjoyed reading, although it leaves me with questions.

Thanks for the feedback, vagabond.

There was a girl in my master's class, before I quit, who had all the answers, and I thought her name meant mother of tunnels (Surangama: Surang is hindi for tunnel, and ma is hindi for mother) -  the original poem was about that, so yes, sense is meaning here.
It later turned out that her name meant garland of notes or some bullshit, but I liked my version better. The last bit was pretty horrible, and there was a sardonic element just before it in the original, because I didn't like her. But then I got my head out of my ass or something.

Acolytes would be the professors, and howling would be the noises coming out of their faces during lectures. I wasn't too keen on my classes, and lost my mind for a bit there. I didn't have the original, and couldn't remember it, so I had to start from scratch, almost.

Let me know if that context helps in any way, or modifies your reading of the poem.

[vagabond]

Let me know if that context helps in any way, or modifies your reading of the poem.

it gives me a second interpretation which I can´t quite decipher as well but where the last line got a very different meaning.
I think the poem is good as it is and should remain this open.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hello Rad. A few notes below based on my first read...

Subtitle: Todo el mundo suda - if you want to keep this I would try to include it in the poem proper

O Mother of Tunnels! - I find "O" difficult to pull off without it sounding either archaic or melodramatic or both
Eater of senses! - exclamation marks are a tough thing also - you have 2
I bow to you. 
Your hollows hide 
Your acrid charms. - you employ all caps to start the lines in this strophe, but not the next. Pick one or the other for consistency. I would prefer lower case mid-sentence.

Acolytes whirling, 
Arms akimbo; 
Their howling fills 
the outer worlds. 
Such nakedness 
devours the Earth. 

I come to dig 
Till all is light. - "Till" is a separate word from "until" or " 'til"

Thanks for posting,
Paul

[Radetof.Yahska]

Hello Rad. A few notes below based on my first read...

Subtitle: Todo el mundo suda - if you want to keep this I would try to include it in the poem proper

O Mother of Tunnels! - I find "O" difficult to pull off without it sounding either archaic or melodramatic or both
Eater of senses! - exclamation marks are a tough thing also - you have 2
I bow to you. 
Your hollows hide 
Your acrid charms. - you employ all caps to start the lines in this strophe, but not the next. Pick one or the other for consistency. I would prefer lower case mid-sentence.

Acolytes whirling, 
Arms akimbo; 
Their howling fills 
the outer worlds. 
Such nakedness 
devours the Earth. 

I come to dig 
Till all is light. - "Till" is a separate word from "until" or " 'til"

Thanks for posting,
Paul

Thanks for the feedback, Paul. The opening is melodramatic, yes, but then again, it is meant to be so. Also, isn't till an informal way to say until? I don't mind substituting it with 'til, though. Will fix the capitalization bit.

---

Let me know if that context helps in any way, or modifies your reading of the poem.

it gives me a second interpretation which I can´t quite decipher as well but where the last line got a very different meaning.
I think the poem is good as it is and should remain this open.

Okay, vaga. Good to know you think it's alright.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hello Rad. A few notes below based on my first read...

Subtitle: Todo el mundo suda - if you want to keep this I would try to include it in the poem proper

O Mother of Tunnels! - I find "O" difficult to pull off without it sounding either archaic or melodramatic or both
Eater of senses! - exclamation marks are a tough thing also - you have 2
I bow to you. 
Your hollows hide 
Your acrid charms. - you employ all caps to start the lines in this strophe, but not the next. Pick one or the other for consistency. I would prefer lower case mid-sentence.

Acolytes whirling, 
Arms akimbo; 
Their howling fills 
the outer worlds. 
Such nakedness 
devours the Earth. 

I come to dig 
Till all is light. - "Till" is a separate word from "until" or " 'til"

Thanks for posting,
Paul

Thanks for the feedback, Paul. The opening is melodramatic, yes, but then again, it is meant to be so. - yes, I'm aware. Maybe too aware. Also, isn't till an informal way to say until? I don't mind substituting it with 'til, though. Yes, Till is technically correct. To elaborate... The last line of many poems begins with "until" in one form or another. I almost always find "Till" distracting and prefer the contracted " 'til". I should have noted that it was a strong personal preference rather than an error. Will fix the capitalization bit.

---

Let me know if that context helps in any way, or modifies your reading of the poem.

it gives me a second interpretation which I can´t quite decipher as well but where the last line got a very different meaning.
I think the poem is good as it is and should remain this open.

Okay, vaga. Good to know you think it's alright.

[Radetof.Yahska]

Hehe. I'll try and tone down on the melodrama without letting it affect the weight. Have used 'til instead of till now.