fat man, little boy

[just mercedes]

little boy came first                                                 little boy                                            boy
followed close by a fat man ~                                  followed by a fat man ~                      followed by man ~
nuclear sun sets                                                     nuclear sun sets                                  sun sets

saying they brought peace                                       peace                                              peace
denies the value of lives ~                                       denies the value of lives ~                 denies lives ~
all they brought was death                                       they brought death                           brings death

monkey see and do                                                  monkey see                                     monkey
playing now at God Himself ~                                   playing at God ~                              God ~
suicide of man                                                         suicide                                            suicide

[Achebe]

It was actually little boy first at Hiroshima

[just mercedes]

It was actually little boy first at Hiroshima

Yes, I had it backwards! Thanks. 

[RiverNotch]

considering that little boy and fat man were both named after characters from the maltese falcon, and as far as i recall little boy did appear before sidney greenstreet, perhaps something a little more noir, a little less direct, would do? especially since the characters also denied the value of life, in their search for the falcon -- or maybe i'm thinking up a completely different poem.

[just mercedes]

considering that little boy and fat man were both named after characters from the maltese falcon, and as far as i recall little boy did appear before sidney greenstreet, perhaps something a little more noir, a little less direct, would do? especially since the characters also denied the value of life, in their search for the falcon -- or maybe i'm thinking up a completely different poem.

Yes, you are. You write it - I like the idea of haiku noir. 

[Tiger the Lion]

Merc, I like what you've done here but IMO you could chop 10 words and make it more explosive. Hypothetical below...

little boy came first
followed close by a fat man ~
nuclear sun sets

saying they brought peace declaring peace?
denies the value of lives ~
all they brought was death

monkey see and do
playing now at God Himself ~
suicide of man

Of course that is chopped to the extreme. Just wanted to provide some lean options,
Ironically, when I read it in your voice, I want more words. 

Thanks for the read,
Paul

[just mercedes]

Merc, I like what you've done here but IMO you could chop 10 words and make it more explosive. Hypothetical below...

little boy came first
followed close by a fat man ~
nuclear sun sets

saying they brought peace declaring peace?
denies the value of lives ~
all they brought was death

monkey see and do
playing now at God Himself ~
suicide of man

Of course that is chopped to the extreme. Just wanted to provide some lean options,
Ironically, when I read it in your voice, I want more words. 

Thanks for the read,
Paul

Thanks for that! You're right, it can be pared. I plead wanting to write a 5/7/5 string. 

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Hey Paul - I added it beside the 5/7/5. Looks like a shadow. I like it.