The Prometheus Man

[Chorus]

Once,
angels left heaven for a day  
and blazed through the skies
like golden meteors 
leaving contrails of stardust 
in the heavens


Oh, how I spite those glittering roads
for tugging on my chains
and how I turn green
at the sight of seagulls

[Todd]

Hi Chorus, welcome to the site! There's a lot of touches that I like here. I'm reminded of the Gospel of Luke with the words of Jesus saying he saw Satan fall like lightning. I take this poem as the observations of the chained fallen angel watching a freedom that he once enjoyed. A few comments below:

Once--I'm taking this as a title not a first line. 
Angels left heaven for a day  
And they blazed through the skies--you don't need they
Like golden meteors 
Leaving contrails of stardust--This is a great image--very visual. I love contrails of stardust. 
In their wake--Wake is a solid choice to give a nautical foreshadowing to the later seagulls. 


Oh, how I spite those glittering roads
For yanking at my chains 
And how I turn green--This is nice for the dual meaning envy/and a bit of seasickness implied by the birds juxtaposing the speaker's captivity with the unhindered motion of the angels.
At the sight of seagulls--Seagulls is what truly makes this interesting though. Not an obvious bird choice. I took this as a dismissive comparison. Perhaps because they are scavengers. They cling to their positions and dive for the crumbs.

Best,

Todd

[Chorus]

Hi Chorus, welcome to the site! There's a lot of touches that I like here. I'm reminded of the Gospel of Luke with the words of Jesus saying he saw Satan fall like lightning. I take this poem as the observations of the chained fallen angel watching a freedom that he once enjoyed. A few comments below:

Once--I'm taking this as a title not a first line. 
Angels left heaven for a day  
And they blazed through the skies--you don't need they
Like golden meteors 
Leaving contrails of stardust--This is a great image--very visual. I love contrails of stardust. 
In their wake--Wake is a solid choice to give a nautical foreshadowing to the later seagulls. 


Oh, how I spite those glittering roads
For yanking at my chains 
And how I turn green--This is nice for the dual meaning envy/and a bit of seasickness implied by the birds juxtaposing the speaker's captivity with the unhindered motion of the angels.
At the sight of seagulls--Seagulls is what truly makes this interesting though. Not an obvious bird choice. I took this as a dismissive comparison. Perhaps because they are scavengers. They cling to their positions and dive for the crumbs.

Best,

Todd

Thanks, I'm glad to be here.

"Once" was the beginning of the poem. I'm still thinking of a suitable title, but I'll add a comma to make that more clear. I agree that I don't need "that" in the third line.

I see how you took the speaker as a chained, fallen angel. That's not necessarily what I had in mind, but it doesn't change the meaning of the poem. I'll make some of the changes you suggested.

[Richard]

Hey Chorus,
Welcome to the site

I like a lot of the language in this poem. The title really affected my understanding, but I'll go into more detail below:

Once,
Angels left heaven for a day  -Due to the title, I am assuming the speaker is a shipwright, or someone close to them. Because of this, I thought a lot of this first stanza is describing planes moving through the sky.
And blazed through the skies
Like golden meteors 
Leaving contrails of stardust -I am assuming this is the trail left by a plane. This entire stanza is wonderful in its imagery, but if it wasn't for the title, I don't think I would have had the same interpretation of it. To be honest, I read Todd's critique and liked his interpretation of the poem better than my own. This isn't really a critique point, but more food for thought for you as a poet.
In their wake -I am hardly a punctuation guy, but I think you should think about adding some periods in this poem.


Oh, how I spite those glittering roads -Of course the shipwright is going to hate the planes because they are ruining his/her livelihood.
For yanking at my chains -I don't quite get this line. I just keep thinking of the expression about yanking someone's chain, which seems a bit clichéd to me.
And how I turn green
At the sight of seagulls -This is a wonderful ending. The image of turning green has a double meaning, and the ill feelings towards the seagull are totally understandable.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this poem, and I look forward to seeing how you revise it.

Cheers,
Richard

[Chorus]

Hey Chorus,
Welcome to the site

I like a lot of the language in this poem. The title really affected my understanding, but I'll go into more detail below:

Once,
Angels left heaven for a day  -Due to the title, I am assuming the speaker is a shipwright, or someone close to them. Because of this, I thought a lot of this first stanza is describing planes moving through the sky.
And blazed through the skies
Like golden meteors 
Leaving contrails of stardust -I am assuming this is the trail left by a plane. This entire stanza is wonderful in its imagery, but if it wasn't for the title, I don't think I would have had the same interpretation of it. To be honest, I read Todd's critique and liked his interpretation of the poem better than my own. This isn't really a critique point, but more food for thought for you as a poet.
In their wake -I am hardly a punctuation guy, but I think you should think about adding some periods in this poem.


Oh, how I spite those glittering roads -Of course the shipwright is going to hate the planes because they are ruining his/her livelihood.
For yanking at my chains -I don't quite get this line. I just keep thinking of the expression about yanking someone's chain, which seems a bit clichéd to me.
And how I turn green
At the sight of seagulls -This is a wonderful ending. The image of turning green has a double meaning, and the ill feelings towards the seagull are totally understandable.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this poem, and I look forward to seeing how you revise it.

Cheers,
Richard

Thanks for bringing this to my attention.

I'm somewhat upset that you think that whatever came down from the was an airplane, and that the shipwright doesn't like the airplanes because they're running his livelyhood, because that's not what I intended to get across. I see how you reached that conclusion, and your comment has made me think that I need to change the title. (Just to clarify, I don't blame you for reaching the conclusion that you did, I'm just disappointed that I made that error, and that now I have to think of a different title).

The reason I chose a shipwright was because I imagine him seeing people going on adventures constantly, but being stuck in the harbor, repairing ships himself. With closer thought, though, I think that some shipwrights do actually sail on the ship in case something happens, though. So yeah, I really have gotta change the title. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd love to hear them, since I'm just terrible at creating titles.

As for punctuation, I usually only put it in when it effects how someone reads the poem mentally, but I'll think about that one a bit more. It might make it look nicer, but that might just be individual preference, who knows.

Thanks for your comment. Much appreciated.

[joecarey123]

Hi there Chorus, 

It's nice to see a fellow newbie. This poem is lovely in a sad way. I've added comments below:

Once,       I didn't assume this was the title - I like the use of one-word for the line, it creates a wistful tone. 
Angels left heaven for a day  
And blazed through the skies
Like golden meteors                 Lovely image, but maybe a little bit clichéd? I only say this because I want to find criticism for my comment, not because it struck me as such right away. 
Leaving contrails of stardust     Contrails of stardust is a nice, spiky little term. 
In their wake 


Oh, how I spite those glittering roads
For yanking at my chains 
And how I turn green
At the sight of seagulls                 Great and unexpected, though reading back it makes perfect sense. 

[Lizzie]

The new title makes this one more interesting and part of a compelling broader narrative. I like it a lot.

Once, -- I don't think you need both "once" and "a day" -- it's redundant.
Angels left heaven for a day  -- "left" is a little weak. I'd search for a more interesting word.
And blazed through the skies -- I like "blazed"
Like golden meteors 
Leaving contrails of stardust -- fabulous line
In their wake -- you don't need this. Contrails are the wake of planes/rockets by definition. Plus, if you cut it, then you can end on the stardust line, which is really strong.


Oh, how I spite those glittering roads -- nice
For yanking at my chains -- I'm torn about this one. It's a cliche, and a cliched one at that. But, Prometheus was chained, so.... Maybe the chains could burn or something.
And how I turn green
At the sight of seagulls -- good sonics with green/sight of seagulls. A satisfying ending.

You can drop the capitalization at the beginning of the lines. It's not needed.

I enjoyed it and look forward to where you take it with the edit.

Lizzie

[Todd]

On the edit, the title change did a good job of clarifying the setting and what's at stake. I can accept being unnerved by the seagull being reminded of the eagle and the nearly endless torment.

A couple things to think about though so Prometheus made a gift to man, and by naming the poem, "The Prometheus Man" is man then the source of their own freedom and enlightenment? Who then has chained this man (or all mankind) in punishment for leaving behind other beliefs? The angels also seem a bit out of place as they seem more judeo christian and less greek. It still works as a metaphor but feels slightly mismatched.

Best,

Todd

[Chorus]

The new title makes this one more interesting and part of a compelling broader narrative. I like it a lot.

Once, -- I don't think you need both "once" and "a day" -- it's redundant.
Angels left heaven for a day  -- "left" is a little weak. I'd search for a more interesting word.
And blazed through the skies -- I like "blazed"
Like golden meteors 
Leaving contrails of stardust -- fabulous line
In their wake -- you don't need this. Contrails are the wake of planes/rockets by definition. Plus, if you cut it, then you can end on the stardust line, which is really strong.


Oh, how I spite those glittering roads -- nice
For yanking at my chains -- I'm torn about this one. It's a cliche, and a cliched one at that. But, Prometheus was chained, so.... Maybe the chains could burn or something.
And how I turn green
At the sight of seagulls -- good sonics with green/sight of seagulls. A satisfying ending.

You can drop the capitalization at the beginning of the lines. It's not needed.

I enjoyed it and look forward to where you take it with the edit.

Lizzie

I like beginning the poem with "Once" because it sounds like a fairytale, similar to the fantasy/mystical elements of angels actually showing themselves to humans and leaving long tails of a sparkling substance across the sky.

"Left" might be a little weak, but the purpose of the poem isn't to focus on the angels or why they left heaven, it's what happened to this guy after they did. I don't even have a reason in my head as to why they left. If I think of something which contributes to the meaning of the poem, I'll add it.

I agree that "In their wake" is pointless. I'll try to find either something which suits the poem more, or rearrange the structure of the poem so I can end with contrails of stardust.

I'm very disappointed that "yanking my chains" is so cliche, because I think it fits well here. Especially when this person is being compared to Prometheus, one of the founders of the chain cliche. I think a solution to this is replacing the word "yanking" with something else. (I'm pretty sure "Quit yanking my chain" is an expression anyways, so that desperately needs to be changed). 

Thank you for the feedback.

---

On the edit, the title change did a good job of clarifying the setting and what's at stake. I can accept being unnerved by the seagull being reminded of the eagle and the nearly endless torment.

A couple things to think about though so Prometheus made a gift to man, and by naming the poem, "The Prometheus Man" is man then the source of their own freedom and enlightenment? Who then has chained this man (or all mankind) in punishment for leaving behind other beliefs? The angels also seem a bit out of place as they seem more judeo christian and less greek. It still works as a metaphor but feels slightly mismatched.

Best,

Todd

Prometheus is not the speaker. I named it "The Prometheus Man" because I saw the situation of the speaker in the poem echo that of Prometheus': trapped. I'm not set on this title, nor does it feel like I'll ever be set on a title, but I hope it's at the very least not as confusing as my last title.

Thanks,

Chorus

Edit: the capitalization is the autocorrect on my phone I'll fix that

[vagabond]

Once,
angels left heaven for a day  
and blazed through the skies
like golden meteors 
leaving contrails of stardust 
in the heavens


Oh, how I spite those glittering roads
for tugging on my chains
and how I turn green
at the sight of seagulls

maybe you could extend the thoughts you had when you wrote this poem a little more.
- I am just guessing:  the first stanza seems to convey the idea of freedom.  but I don´t know why the angels would only once leave their stardust in the sky.   contrails fade in time, ideas don´t (at least not as surely).
- I don´t see how glittering roads can tug on chains. however they could make the subject frustratedly rattle his chains.
- where did the chains come from anyway? self-inflicted/ imposed, imagined/ real…
- the seagulls don´t seem to carry the same meaning as these angels, so maybe some hint can be included
- i think the last two lines are the most interesting in your poem.