The Door (Complete Revised Edit)

[Flowerchild1093]

Fully Completed Revision:

Days are repeating like dusty old records.
I can't keep tracks, they're nothing more than emotions sung aloud.
I've heard a thousand smiles fade,
and a hundred dreams wither away.

Keep looking ever deeper dear, 
to all that lies beneath.
My skin's surface,
a facade,
this happiness you see.

Now I understand;
this just wasn't meant to be.

I'm a prisoner of the past
and my cell guard is the future.
Death is calling out to me,
how can I subdue her?

I already was there,
and far I ventured to come back.
I vowed I'd never return to that place;
where my soul is empty and black.

I stared into her eyes,
felt their unforgiving gaze
and soon enough I disappeared
into a somber daze.

Inside I saw my future,
and suddenly I knew.
Everything I'd built
was all destroyed by you.

I wish you knew forgiveness,
a dear old friend of mine;
one who guided me through darkness
and taught me to be kind.

The cheap gold ring I gave you,
it's meaning loyal and true;
the track played twice as slow that day
with me so close to you.

A little while later
the tears flowed down my face
as I watched my promise
roll down your back
into the sewer grate.

My puzzle incomplete
more pieces fell away.
I tried to fill the holes
but you revelled in my shame.

I don't know how to say it
please stop asking me to stay
you picked my pieces up that night
and threw them all away.

I stare into the mirror
hating what I see,
I think of all the ones I love,
will they remember me?

I take a deep breath
and I dream of paradise;
a place I'd never enter
if I went on living life.

Inside I'm alone,
and the fear takes hold as Death
slowly beckons once more.

This time as she extends 
a comforting hand
I walk into her door.

Original Poem:

The days play over, like records on repeat.
I lose track of the numbers, they mean nothing to me.
A thousand smiles slip through my fingers;
a hundred dreams of happiness linger.

I hold up the mask,
I live with the pain.
I've accepted the fact
they won't remember my name.

Past memories sting,
but so does the future.
Death is still whispering;
now I cannot subdue her.

I was already there;
I came back from the brink.
I stared into her eyes,
and tried hard not to blink.

I saw what you were,
not what I knew.
I looked around
destroyed by you.

I wish you would tell me;
what are your intentions?
Stop trying to pull me
in a hundred directions.

My spirit is fragile,
my heart insecure,
prodding reminders 
I'll never be pure.

Tarnished and used
you covered me in dirt,
when all I ever wanted
was for you to heal my hurt.

You stole every piece of me;
you took it all away,
now as I look into your eyes
you're asking me to stay.

I don't know how to say it;
I don't know how to show
that one way or another,
you'll have to let me go.

I stare at myself
and see misery pictured;
and I wonder to myself:
Would anyone miss her?

I take a deep breath
and I dream of release;
But also of all I'd miss,
and things I'd never see.

My hands are shaking
but my mind is sure.
I stare at Death's face,
and I walk through her door

[Todd]

Hello Flowerchild, welcome to the site! Here are some comments for you to consider.

The days play over, like records on repeat.--I like that you open with an image. This is a serviceable first line. I think you have a little redundancy in it that could be cleared up. You could cut the over and the comma. Repeat gives the same idea as over.
I lose track of the numbers, they mean nothing to me.--Track is a nice word choice, a homograph that points back to the first line making you think of record tracks.
A thousand smiles slip through my fingers;--Here's where your poem begins to slip for me. It moves from the deliberate concrete imagery in the first line to something more vague and abstract. If you had an image tied to this perhaps you can ground it, but smiles, happiness, and then dreams isn't anchored to anything and comes off with no emotional punch.
a hundred dreams of happiness linger.

I hold up the mask,--This is a bit too predictable of an image.
I live with the pain.--pain is too abstract.
I've accepted the fact
they won't remember my name.

Past memories sting,
but so does the future.--Again this train of thought is too ethereal. It needs imagery.
Death is still whispering;
now I cannot subdue her.

I was already there;--This line doesn't add much for you.
I came back from the brink.--Cliche
I stared into her eyes,
and tried hard not to blink.

I saw what you were,
not what I knew.
I looked around
destroyed by you.--Again this is all fairly vague and generic. You need to go a layer or two beneath the surface to make it connect with any emotional power.

I wish you would tell me;
what are your intentions?
Stop trying to pull me
in a hundred directions.--This feels like it exists solely for the rhyme. I'm not sure how vague intentions or vague directions amp up the tension.

My spirit is fragile,--An image would help this rather than simply making a declaration. 
my heart insecure,
prodding reminders 
I'll never be pure.--Again, this could imply some reasons and it's okay not to state them out but some imagery would help connect us to the person better.

Tarnished and used
you covered me in dirt,
when all I ever wanted
was for you to heal my hurt.--The meter feels a bit clunky here. I actually don't mind if you move in and out of rhyme but say this out loud and fix the areas that don't flow.

You stole every piece of me;
you took it all away,
now as I look into your eyes
you're asking me to stay.

I don't know how to say it;
I don't know how to show
that one way or another,
you'll have to let me go.

I stare at myself
and see misery pictured;
and I wonder to myself:
Would anyone miss her?

I take a deep breath
and I dream of release;
But also of all I'd miss,
and things I'd never see.

My hands are shaking
but my mind is sure.
I stare at Death's face,
and I walk through her door.--We need to be more emotionally connected to the speaker to have her suicide impact us.

I hope some of the comments help as you think about where to take this poem.

Best,

Todd

[Flowerchild1093]

Hello Todd!
Thank you for your comments! Perhaps if I were to explain the ideas that I'm trying to convey through each stanza, I could receive some comments on where to take the piece. Is that something that would be okay to do?

Hello Flowerchild, welcome to the site! Here are some comments for you to consider.

The days play over, like records on repeat.--I like that you open with an image. This is a serviceable first line. I think you have a little redundancy in it that could be cleared up. You could cut the over and the comma. Repeat gives the same idea as over.
I lose track of the numbers, they mean nothing to me.--Track is a nice word choice, a homograph that points back to the first line making you think of record tracks.
A thousand smiles slip through my fingers;--Here's where your poem begins to slip for me. It moves from the deliberate concrete imagery in the first line to something more vague and abstract. If you had an image tied to this perhaps you can ground it, but smiles, happiness, and then dreams isn't anchored to anything and comes off with no emotional punch.
a hundred dreams of happiness linger.

I hold up the mask,--This is a bit too predictable of an image.
I live with the pain.--pain is too abstract.
I've accepted the fact
they won't remember my name.

Past memories sting,
but so does the future.--Again this train of thought is too ethereal. It needs imagery.
Death is still whispering;
now I cannot subdue her.

I was already there;--This line doesn't add much for you.
I came back from the brink.--Cliche
I stared into her eyes,
and tried hard not to blink.

I saw what you were,
not what I knew.
I looked around
destroyed by you.--Again this is all fairly vague and generic. You need to go a layer or two beneath the surface to make it connect with any emotional power.

I wish you would tell me;
what are your intentions?
Stop trying to pull me
in a hundred directions.--This feels like it exists solely for the rhyme. I'm not sure how vague intentions or vague directions amp up the tension.

My spirit is fragile,--An image would help this rather than simply making a declaration. 
my heart insecure,
prodding reminders 
I'll never be pure.--Again, this could imply some reasons and it's okay not to state them out but some imagery would help connect us to the person better.

Tarnished and used
you covered me in dirt,
when all I ever wanted
was for you to heal my hurt.--The meter feels a bit clunky here. I actually don't mind if you move in and out of rhyme but say this out loud and fix the areas that don't flow.

You stole every piece of me;
you took it all away,
now as I look into your eyes
you're asking me to stay.

I don't know how to say it;
I don't know how to show
that one way or another,
you'll have to let me go.

I stare at myself
and see misery pictured;
and I wonder to myself:
Would anyone miss her?

I take a deep breath
and I dream of release;
But also of all I'd miss,
and things I'd never see.

My hands are shaking
but my mind is sure.
I stare at Death's face,
and I walk through her door.--We need to be more emotionally connected to the speaker to have her suicide impact us.

I hope some of the comments help as you think about where to take this poem.

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

Hello Todd!
Thank you for your comments! Perhaps if I were to explain the ideas that I'm trying to convey through each stanza, I could receive some comments on where to take the piece. Is that something that would be okay to do?

In general, it's better to get a few more critiques before you go too far into an explanation. You run the risk of having people read the explanation and then not knowing if the poem actually conveyed those qualities or if it was given to them from a second source.

I don't believe though that your problem is clarity. I think you hint at the issues leading the person to the decision. I also think when you get into ideas like purity or dirt you often are implying something sexual. If this were mine the next exercise I would try would be okay I say pain here. How can I show that with an image, and so on. I would then try to see if there was a common extended metaphor or image I could tie them together with. Using the one image you start with--what if the record gets scratched? I'd just consider playing around in that way and see if you like what you come up with.

Just my thoughts. I only warn you not because you can't do something but because you might hurt the process you've started and rob yourself of untainted feedback.

Best,

Todd

[Flowerchild1093]

Hello Todd!
Thank you, that makes perfect sense to me. I'm new to all of this, I've been writing for years but I don't share much and have never received much feedback that was anything more than the norm. (How nice, pretty, etc) I'm eager to become more involved here and hopefully improve my skills to help myself and others. I appreciate your advice and will see what I come up with. ?

Hello Todd!
Thank you for your comments! Perhaps if I were to explain the ideas that I'm trying to convey through each stanza, I could receive some comments on where to take the piece. Is that something that would be okay to do?

In general, it's better to get a few more critiques before you go too far into an explanation. You run the risk of having people read the explanation and then not knowing if the poem actually conveyed those qualities or if it was given to them from a second source.

I don't believe though that your problem is clarity. I think you hint at the issues leading the person to the decision. I also think when you get into ideas like purity or dirt you often are implying something sexual. If this were mine the next exercise I would try would be okay I say pain here. How can I show that with an image, and so on. I would then try to see if there was a common extended metaphor or image I could tie them together with. Using the one image you start with--what if the record gets scratched? I'd just consider playing around in that way and see if you like what you come up with.

Just my thoughts. I only warn you not because you can't do something but because you might hurt the process you've started and rob yourself of untainted feedback.

Best,

Todd

[Flowerchild1093]

Bump for edit.

[Richard]

Hey Flowerchild,
I like some of the images you use in this poem. However, I do have some suggestions about your poem's structure. I'll go into more detail below:

Fully Completed Revision:

Days are repeating like dusty old records.
I can't keep tracks, they're nothing more than emotions sung aloud.
I've heard a thousand smiles fade, -I like the imagery in the first three lines. I just wish you could have brought some of your ideas later in the poem back to this imagery of old records/songs. 
and a hundred dreams wither away. -I would suggest rewording this so it goes with the record imagery from the first three lines. May be say something like: "and a hundred dreams gone silent."

Keep looking ever deeper dear, 
to all that lies beneath. -I don't think you need this line. The next three lines gives the reader the idea that there's something going on below the surface of the speaker.
My skin's surface,
a facade,
this happiness you see.

Now I understand;
this just wasn't meant to be. -Just a thought, but how could this lament relate back to the idea of days being like dusty old records?

I'm a prisoner of the past -I notice that you start to rhyme here. I would suggest breaking this poem into three parts. Make the first part start at the very beginning. Have the second part start with this stanza, and then have the third part start with the stanza that begins with "A little while later." I'm suggesting this because it's a bit jarring to the reader to have a poem begin rhyming in the fourth stanza.
and my cell guard is the future.
Death is calling out to me, -How can you describe death so it better fits into the prisoner metaphor? Right now it sounds like it might be another prisoner. Was that you intention?
how can I subdue her?

I already was there,
and far I ventured to come back.
I vowed I'd never return to that place;
where my soul is empty and black. -Using black to describe suicide/death is a bit predictable. I would suggest thinking of a different way to describe it.

I stared into her eyes,
felt their unforgiving gaze
and soon enough I disappeared
into a somber daze.

Inside I saw my future, -Why would death show the speaker their future?
and suddenly I knew.
Everything I'd built
was all destroyed by you. -Is the "you" here death? If it is, then this is kind of an obvious point. If the "you" is someone else, I would suggest rewording this line because it could be interpreted to mean that you are talking about death. 

I wish you knew forgiveness,
a dear old friend of mine;
one who guided me through darkness
and taught me to be kind. -I like this personification of forgiveness. I would like to see it expanded. What did forgiveness look like? What did the speaker see when they looked into its eyes?

The cheap gold ring I gave you,
it's meaning loyal and true;
the track played twice as slow that day
with me so close to you. -You finally come back to the record/song imagery here. I wish you did this more throughout the poem.

A little while later
the tears flowed down my face
as I watched my promise
roll down your back
into the sewer grate. -This stanza breaks the rhyme scheme. Was that intentional? As well, how does a promise roll down someone's back? It made me think you were comparing the promise to sweat.

My puzzle incomplete
more pieces fell away. -I would drop the puzzle metaphor and come up with something that would work with the record/song imagery.
I tried to fill the holes
but you revelled in my shame.

I don't know how to say it
please stop asking me to stay -I think you just said it, which makes the first line of this stanza a bit unnecessary.
you picked my pieces up that night
and threw them all away.

I stare into the mirror
hating what I see, -Outside of being in an unhealthy relationship, I don't see why the speaker would hate her/himself. This is a point that could be expanded on.
I think of all the ones I love,
will they remember me?

I take a deep breath
and I dream of paradise;
a place I'd never enter
if I went on living life. -Does the speaker think they will be in paradise if they commit suicide? That is the impression I get from this stanza. Was that you intention?

Inside I'm alone,
and the fear takes hold as Death -Fear takes hold of what? I feel like you could say this in a more creative way.
slowly beckons once more.

This time as she extends 
a comforting hand
I walk into her door. -I think you mean "through her door".

Overall, this poem has some promise to it. I would recommend on restructuring it into three parts (may be even four), and trying to focus on extending the initial metaphor of life being like a repeating dusty record.

Keep writing,
Richard

[Flowerchild1093]

Hello Richard!
I think some things have gotten lost in translation here. First, the rhyme scheme doesn't begin in the fourth stanza, the first two lines are the only ones that don't follow it. Fade/away,  beneath/see/be. As far as Death, she is not a prisoner. She is the literal personification of death who can be anywhere at any time. Death shows the speaker how awful her future in life will be as a persuasion towards committing suicide. The "you" is where I begin to refer to the speaker's abusive husband. The small stanza on forgiveness is meant to show that the speaker is a forgiving person in contrast to the destructive behavior of the husband. The promise that rolls down his back is referring back to the wedding ring from the previous stanza. As to say, he threw it without a care and it was never seen again. A symbolic disrespect of the speaker and the marriage. Also, face/grate is meant to follow the rhyme scheme. I agree that I've already said what's going on, but it's meant to show the persistence within these types of unhealthy relationships, where no matter what you say or how clearly the abusive individual doesn't accept no for an answer. Obviously, you nailed the unhealthy relationship bit about looking into the mirror. She hates what she has become at the hand of another person. When I talk about paradise, the speaker is again realizing she will never have peace in life, or "paradise", due to this abusive individual. Thanks for your comments! I'll take them into consideration and hope the information I've provided here will clear some things up!

Flowerchild

Hey Flowerchild,
I like some of the images you use in this poem. However, I do have some suggestions about your poem's structure. I'll go into more detail below:

Fully Completed Revision:

Days are repeating like dusty old records.
I can't keep tracks, they're nothing more than emotions sung aloud.
I've heard a thousand smiles fade, -I like the imagery in the first three lines. I just wish you could have brought some of your ideas later in the poem back to this imagery of old records/songs. 
and a hundred dreams wither away. -I would suggest rewording this so it goes with the record imagery from the first three lines. May be say something like: "and a hundred dreams gone silent."

Keep looking ever deeper dear, 
to all that lies beneath. -I don't think you need this line. The next three lines gives the reader the idea that there's something going on below the surface of the speaker.
My skin's surface,
a facade,
this happiness you see.

Now I understand;
this just wasn't meant to be. -Just a thought, but how could this lament relate back to the idea of days being like dusty old records?

I'm a prisoner of the past -I notice that you start to rhyme here. I would suggest breaking this poem into three parts. Make the first part start at the very beginning. Have the second part start with this stanza, and then have the third part start with the stanza that begins with "A little while later." I'm suggesting this because it's a bit jarring to the reader to have a poem begin rhyming in the fourth stanza.
and my cell guard is the future.
Death is calling out to me, -How can you describe death so it better fits into the prisoner metaphor? Right now it sounds like it might be another prisoner. Was that you intention?
how can I subdue her?

I already was there,
and far I ventured to come back.
I vowed I'd never return to that place;
where my soul is empty and black. -Using black to describe suicide/death is a bit predictable. I would suggest thinking of a different way to describe it.

I stared into her eyes,
felt their unforgiving gaze
and soon enough I disappeared
into a somber daze.

Inside I saw my future, -Why would death show the speaker their future?
and suddenly I knew.
Everything I'd built
was all destroyed by you. -Is the "you" here death? If it is, then this is kind of an obvious point. If the "you" is someone else, I would suggest rewording this line because it could be interpreted to mean that you are talking about death. 

I wish you knew forgiveness,
a dear old friend of mine;
one who guided me through darkness
and taught me to be kind. -I like this personification of forgiveness. I would like to see it expanded. What did forgiveness look like? What did the speaker see when they looked into its eyes?

The cheap gold ring I gave you,
it's meaning loyal and true;
the track played twice as slow that day
with me so close to you. -You finally come back to the record/song imagery here. I wish you did this more throughout the poem.

A little while later
the tears flowed down my face
as I watched my promise
roll down your back
into the sewer grate. -This stanza breaks the rhyme scheme. Was that intentional? As well, how does a promise roll down someone's back? It made me think you were comparing the promise to sweat.

My puzzle incomplete
more pieces fell away. -I would drop the puzzle metaphor and come up with something that would work with the record/song imagery.
I tried to fill the holes
but you revelled in my shame.

I don't know how to say it
please stop asking me to stay -I think you just said it, which makes the first line of this stanza a bit unnecessary.
you picked my pieces up that night
and threw them all away.

I stare into the mirror
hating what I see, -Outside of being in an unhealthy relationship, I don't see why the speaker would hate her/himself. This is a point that could be expanded on.
I think of all the ones I love,
will they remember me?

I take a deep breath
and I dream of paradise;
a place I'd never enter
if I went on living life. -Does the speaker think they will be in paradise if they commit suicide? That is the impression I get from this stanza. Was that you intention?

Inside I'm alone,
and the fear takes hold as Death -Fear takes hold of what? I feel like you could say this in a more creative way.
slowly beckons once more.

This time as she extends 
a comforting hand
I walk into her door. -I think you mean "through her door".

Overall, this poem has some promise to it. I would recommend on restructuring it into three parts (may be even four), and trying to focus on extending the initial metaphor of life being like a repeating dusty record.

Keep writing,
Richard

[Todd]

Hi Flowerchild,

Here are some comments on your revision. I haven't read any of the revision critiques so I may repeat some ideas.

Fully Completed Revision:

Days are repeating like dusty old records.--Your original opening is a bit better in my opinion because dusty old records can't repeat--that's a more modern feature. Your original: "The days play over, like records on repeat" could be records in a more general sense. Dusty locks in the original image of a record which is great I just don't think there was a true repeat feature then.
I can't keep tracks, they're nothing more than emotions sung aloud.--Just a thought an interesting line break here would be after nothing. Nothing as an end word would provide an interesting layer of meaning.
I've heard a thousand smiles fade,--I like hearing something that is normally accessed through sight.
and a hundred dreams wither away.--You could likely even make these last two lines more tied to your metaphor by making them carry more aspects of songs.

Keep looking ever deeper dear, 
to all that lies beneath.
My skin's surface,
a facade,
this happiness you see.

Now I understand;
this just wasn't meant to be.--just can almost always be cut. It's a filler throwaway word.

I'm a prisoner of the past
and my cell guard is the future.--I don't mind the shift in imagery I just wish you tied it back to a song somehow.
Death is calling out to me,
how can I subdue her?

I already was there,--nearly died but was resuscitated. 
and far I ventured to come back.
I vowed I'd never return to that place;
where my soul is empty and black.--I'm reading this to be that it isn't death that is empty and black but the circumstance she finds herself in in life.

I stared into her eyes,
felt their unforgiving gaze--Unforgiving doesn't feel like the right word here. There is a finality to it but unforgiving seems to be the wrong conotation.
and soon enough I disappeared
into a somber daze.

Inside I saw my future,
and suddenly I knew.
Everything I'd built
was all destroyed by you.--This strophe needs more imagery. It shouldn't just relate facts to us.

I wish you knew forgiveness,
a dear old friend of mine;
one who guided me through darkness
and taught me to be kind.

The cheap gold ring I gave you,
it's meaning loyal and true;--This is not the way to attach characteristics to a symbol. Rethink this.
the track played twice as slow that day
with me so close to you.

A little while later--You don't need to worry about linear time so much (the "and then this happened")
the tears flowed down my face
as I watched my promise
roll down your back
into the sewer grate.

My puzzle incomplete
more pieces fell away.--This again feels unconnected to your initial metaphor. That makes it less satisfying.
I tried to fill the holes
but you revelled in my shame.--typo: reveled

I don't know how to say it
please stop asking me to stay
you picked my pieces up that night
and threw them all away.

I stare into the mirror
hating what I see,--again try to not just say the facts.
I think of all the ones I love,
will they remember me?

I take a deep breath
and I dream of paradise;
a place I'd never enter
if I went on living life.

Inside I'm alone,
and the fear takes hold as Death
slowly beckons once more.

This time as she extends 
a comforting hand
I walk into her door.--Through would seem beter than into. Into suggests you concussed yourself.

I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd