Plump hippopotamus demure and cute,
seductively stealth-swimming half-submerged,
whose baby-fat proportions strike us mute -
her winsome smile infects us, caution purged.
We love our hippo, chuckle at her girth,
her rolling clumsiness, her comic ears;
we marvel at her underwater birth,
her teary, piggy eyes that shame our fears.
She trots to catch and crush us though we dote;
her smile hides fangs like scimitars, bone-pale,
with which she hooks us when she flips a boat
and drowns us, river aunt of killer whale.
Beloved hippo, gross embodiment -
how like she is to nanny-government!
Plump hippopotamus all round and cute,
seductively stealth-swimming half-submerged,
whose baby-fat proportions strike us mute -
her winsome smile infects us, caution purged.
We love our hippo, chuckle at her girth,
her rolling clumsiness, her comic ears;
we marvel at her underwater birth,
her teary, piggy eyes that shame our fears.
She trots to catch and crush us though we dote;
her smile hides dagger-fangs, bone-red and pale
with which she hooks us when she flips a boat
and drowns us, distant aunt of killer whale.
Beloved hippo, gross embodiment -
how like she is to nanny-government!
Plump hippopotamus all round and cute,
seductively stealth-swimming half-submerged, ... I like 'stealth' - it sets up the metaphor well
whose baby-fat proportions strike us mute -
her winsome smile infects us, caution purged. I think a colon after 'us', and a comma instead of a full stop, thereby leading on to the next line, would read better
We love our hippo, chuckle at her girth,
her rolling clumsiness, her comic ears; ...with the above change, a full stop.
we marvel at her underwater birth,
her teary, piggy eyes that shame our fears. ...'piggy eyes' is a good observation
She trots to catch and crush us though we dote; ....'trots', 'dote' and 'crush' are comically arresting. This is good.
her smile hides dagger-fangs, bone-red and pale
with which she hooks us when she flips a boat
and drowns us, distant aunt of killer whale. ....cousins, really
Beloved hippo, gross embodiment -
how like she is to nanny-government! ....I don't think nannies crush and kill you, but I can't think of a better substitute
Since this was started several weeks ago, it can't be called "after" Erthona's "Thoughts for the Fourth of July" (q.v.) but the similarity is striking.
Hey dukealien,
This is a strong poem for the most part. It plays around with the paradoxical view we have of the hippo, which truly is an interesting idea for a poem. My main suggestions would be about some of your wording, but I'll go into more detail below:
Plump hippopotamus all round and cute, -"Plump" and "round" seem a bit repetitive to me. As well, has there ever been a hippo that wasn't plump? This is a bit of a nit-pick, but I think it's worth thinking about.
seductively stealth-swimming half-submerged, -I love the way this line sounds, and it creates a wonderful image in my mind as I read it. I just don't know if it entirely works with the meter for this poem, but I'm hardly an expert at that, so others might disagree.
whose baby-fat proportions strike us mute -
her winsome smile infects us, caution purged.
We love our hippo, chuckle at her girth,
her rolling clumsiness, her comic ears; -I find it interesting that you made the hippo a "her." Is there a reason for this? This is more for my own curiosity than anything else.
we marvel at her underwater birth,
her teary, piggy eyes that shame our fears. -I love the personification here. The idea that we would be embarrassed to fear the hippo works well in your poem.
She trots to catch and crush us though we dote;
her smile hides dagger-fangs, bone-red and pale
with which she hooks us when she flips a boat -This is such a frightening image, while also expanding the idea of the potential danger of the hippo.
and drowns us, distant aunt of killer whale. -Why the aunt?
Beloved hippo, gross embodiment -
how like she is to nanny-government! - I don't think this line quite works. I might be missing something here, but I would suggest rewording it. I even googled "nanny-government," (I have actually never heard of that expression in my life. Could it be because I'm Canadian?) which made me understand the line a bit more. However, it seems like you're trying to put a political point at the end when the rest of the poem seems rather apolitical. I guess you could argue that that gives the line emphasis, but it just seems inconsistent to me. Actually, this line did make me stop for a few minutes to think, so I am on the fence now. I do appreciate that the line caused so much thought. May be it does work.
Hi, dukealien. Your poem blessed me. It also helped me. Thank you.
Dear Leviathan Should this be a salutation?
Plump hippopotamus all round and cute,
seductively stealth-swimming half-submerged,
whose baby-fat proportions strike us mute - I think I like this line best in the poem
her winsome smile infects us, caution purged.
We love our hippo, chuckle at her girth,
her rolling clumsiness, her comic ears;
we marvel at her underwater birth,
her teary, piggy eyes that shame our fears. how would they shame your fears?
She trots to catch and crush us though we dote; this is frightening in a way, hippos are vicious
her smile hides dagger-fangs, bone-red and pale woah, I just realized they have fangs
with which she hooks us when she flips a boat
and drowns us, distant aunt of killer whale. this is curious
Beloved hippo, gross embodiment - love the use of these words here
how like she is to nanny-government!
dukealien, what a joy to read, and an encouragement, too.
I was once inspired to write a poem about Hippos. They
certainly are inspiring! Your desriptions were captivating,
and the ending confirmed its clever twist. Thank you.
Have a blessed evening!
Plump hippopotamus demure and cute,
seductively stealth-swimming half-submerged,
whose baby-fat proportions strike us mute -
her winsome smile infects us, caution purged.
We love our hippo, chuckle at her girth,
her rolling clumsiness, her comic ears;
we marvel at her underwater birth,
her teary, piggy eyes that shame our fears.
She trots to catch and crush us though we dote;
her smile hides fangs like scimitars, bone-pale,
with which she hooks us when she flips a boat
and drowns us, river aunt of killer whale.
Beloved hippo, gross embodiment -
how like she is to nanny-government!
Thanks to all the excellent critics. The above edit addresses some of the criticisms, other changes are just.. changes.
In a spirit of offering facts, not explaining...
While researching, discovered some pictures of hippos with mouths wide open - a threat gesture - with those *antlers* on display. Cartoon hippos have little pegs like zoo hippos - they're cut off at the root, presumably to keep them from wounding each other or the keepers.
Also surprised to learn that, evolution-wise (on present understanding) the hippo's nearest living relatives are, indeed, the whales. Back in the great mammalian explosion to fill all the niches vacated by departed dinosaurs, something like a hippo went to sea; whales still have vestigial leg bones from when they filled in for mososaurs, plesiosaurs, and such. Calling the hippo their "aunt" rather than "cousin" is old-fashioned in that it places the hippo on a branch of the tree of life one or more splits before the whales, whereas the more current/correct bush-of-life places all extant forms on a surface of the present - a topiary, not a tree. Hippos and whales had a common ancestor, but both are modern.
@nibbed - "Dear Leviathan" is in the nature of a title rather than a salutation. See, for example, "Dear Leader" which refers to a particular head of state <--- that emoticon is more graphically descriptive than usual and quite Un-intended.
Final gee-whiz discovered while researching: a Colombian drug lord, taking his anti-legal responsibilities in a big way, illegally imported a breeding pair. When his operation was destroyed, they escaped (evidence bags in that size are hard to find) and there were, at last count, over forty living in the wild. Talk about no natural enemies... jaguar rug, anyone?
Non-practicing atheist
<--- that emoticon is more graphically descriptive than usual and quite Un-intended. 