Forever Overboard

[tectak]

The wildest seas had risen up the night old Donny died.
Close running to the western gales and on an awkward tide,
the Gina Belle had tumbled on,
her stern was low, her going gone.
The tumult thrashed and spun her round,
in waves that broke on jagged ground
no more than half a league away.
 
Flayed bladderwrack flew in the spray, old Donny fought the wheel.
The grounding shook her, jarred her straight and pinned her by the keel;
Again, again, again she skewed
until her timbers cracked and flew
in shards that rained upon the deck,
or what was left, until she wrecked
just off the heartless, granite shore.
 
This way then that she lunged and lurched until the anchor caught.
The hawser ran then plucked and held, the surging pulled it taut…
The seventh wave pressed Gina down,
great pinnacles of rock rose round,
four fathoms down she should have stayed
and lain there, but old Donny prayed    
and up she came to fight once more.
 
The cresting wave was peaking but  the anchor still held fast .
A fearsome groan came from  below, a crack and then it passed.
For but one moment silence came
and Donny screamed his maker’s name…
too late, too late, the cry was lost,
by weight of  water he was tossed
in to the boiling, spume-frothed brine. 
 
 Far down he dived in to the rage, in hopes of calmer sea;
the safety bight was tight so he unhitched the line, made free.
He swam possessed, some distance gained,
then burst for breath while wreckage rained
around him, crashing everywhere.
The anchor hit him hard and square;
and  blood was on the rusting iron.
 
Below the waves in plumes of red his twisting body spun;
suspended by the anchor fluke old Donny, lifeless, hung.
Next day the Belle was cast and strewn.
On high-tide line they found her boom,
the sheet all tangled, gooseneck sheared;
no sight of Donny though all peered
out to the sinful, sobbing sea. 
 
One year passed by and stories died of Donny and the Belle.
Flotsam floated in on tides, by and by no one could tell
from where came tackle, shreds of net,
splintered clinker planks and yet
out on the highest granite spike
an anchor-line rust-crusted, tight,
sloped hidden, down in to the deep.   
   
Beneath the beastly, bare-toothed peak, beyond the shelf of shore,
the anchor hung and Donny swung, his fleshly self no more.
His bones picked clean…white-shining… gleamed
in filtered sun, shot through with green;
No ship would sail that close to be
the one who hauled him from the sea…
he was forever overboard.
 
tectak
2017

[CNL]

I'm still relatively new to poetry so hopefully this comparison isn't way off, but I struggle with this poem the way I've been struggling to enjoy certain things by Tennyson. The extensive build-up (I do think it was a good idea to expand it) had me expecting a poignant pay off or some kind of twist that would shed a new light on the title, but instead the ending seems to just confirm that the title is what we thought it was.

The way the last line declares itself with such importance you'd think it was some neat paradox or that it added a new layer to everything, but it doesn't seem to. It just sounds cool. I saw themes of mortality, heroism, fighting spirit, fragility of legacy, and etc, but because I knew so little about Donny it came across as a shallow or matter-of-fact exploration of those themes. Sometimes you die and no one remembers you or buries you - that sentiment being the pay off (if I'm right that it is) left me with a "so what?" feeling.

Because of that, I tried to just enjoy the descriptions as I reread the poem. In moments I found them more melodic than creative, but I'm not sure that bothered me; maybe that's just a tradeoff you have to make sometimes? Anyway, what I found creative:

I'll second my love of "her going gone." I always like lines that mix up the parts of speech creatively in that way.

I loved the word bladderwrack because its sound supplied enough of a definition to work without me knowing what it meant. "Fought the wheel" struck me as very fresh too.

"Far down he dived in to the rage, in hopes of calmer sea." I'm not great with the names of poetic devices so I won't try (...paradoxical, maybe?), but I really loved this description of his intentions.

"beyond the shelf of shore" Again, I'm a novice, but I've never personally heard the shore described as a shelf before so I really loved that line too.

Here's the part I'm not sure I should complain about, because I would never even think to if the bigger point of the poem moved me more than it did. The rest of the descriptions obviously sound very good and relate the crash at an exciting pace, but a few of the personifications and phrases struck me as stale. The heartless shore, this way then that, fearsome groan, boiling, spume-frothed, hard and square, plumes of red, bones picked clean, filtered light, sobbing sea (I thought sinful was good), etc.

Again, in context these words function just fine and I'm guessing poets have to compromise and borrow some phrases if they want to complete a poem in a reasonable amount of time, but I just feel like raging seas get personified in the same ways over and over. I only wanted more from the description because, being straightforward in its overall message (if I'm not mistaken), it seemed like the poem was asking me to. And I did really enjoy the action sequence. But all it did was give me a thrill and I feel like it was meant to do more than that.

Donny stopping to pray and screaming his maker's name, two of the more crucial moments, fell flat for me for similar reasons. I don't mind the idea of having him do those things, but they're such stock moments in scenes like this that I feel like they'd need to be accompanied or implied by more solid, original images to really be powerful and fresh.

I thought it was exciting and very well written overall, just not as moving as I think it intended to be.

[Jeongwon]

I very much enjoyed this poem. It is complex, and has narrative depth. Some lines of this poem are especially lyrical and beautiful. My comments below. 

The wildest seas had risen up the night old Donny died.
Close running to the western gales and on an awkward tide,
the Gina Belle had tumbled on,
her stern was low, her going gone. Perhaps consider omitting"was"
The tumult thrashed and spun her round,
in waves that broke on jagged ground
no more than half a league away. 
 
Flayed bladderwrack flew in the spray, old Donny fought the wheel. Interesting word choice.
The grounding shook her, jarred her straight and pinned her by the keel;
Again, again, again she skewed
until her timbers cracked and flew
in shards that rained upon the deck,
or what was left, until she wrecked rhythmically very interesting
just off the heartless, granite shore.
 
This way then that she lunged and lurched until the anchor caught. Seems a little clunky, it doesn't flow as well as other lines. 
The hawser ran then plucked and held, the surging pulled it taut…
The seventh wave pressed Gina down, While the "seventh wave" does not scientifically hold water, it is thematically a nice addition.
great pinnacles of rock rose round,
four fathoms down she should have stayed
and lain there, but old Donny prayed    
and up she came to fight once more.
 
The cresting wave was peaking but  the anchor still held fast .
A fearsome groan came from  below, a crack and then it passed. Maybe "a passing crack" instead of "a crack and then it passed". Overall, I feel the less words there are in this stanza, the more the action shines through.
For but one moment silence came The tension is well constructed. This line seems a little wordy, breaking from the action. Just the word "silence/then" could carry this line. Or maybe "a fleeting silence/then Donny"
and Donny screamed his maker’s name…
too late, too late, the cry was lost, "his cry lost" instead of "the cry was lost" might fit better with the emotions of the rest of the stanza.
by weight of  water he was tossed 
in to the boiling, spume-frothed brine. "into" instead of in to, as it appears you are using it as a preposition
 
 Far down he dived in to the rage, in hopes of calmer sea; Same as above. Perhaps you are doing this intentionally, I'm not sure. Normally, "in to" is separated when "in" is part of a phrasal verb or "to" is part of an infinitive, etc. "Dived in" is a phrasal verb, and this wording implies that is your intention, but in context it is clear that you are talking about motion, not "starting to do something"
the safety bight was tight so he unhitched the line, made free.
He swam possessed, some distance gained,
then burst for breath while wreckage rained
around him, crashing everywhere. This line and the two lines preceding it, together, is very lyrical. Nice.
The anchor hit him hard and square;
and  blood was on the rusting iron. This line has a matter-of-fact tone and says the obvious (if the anchor hit him, of course blood would get on it). For me, the contrast between its tone and the gruesome death furthers my sympathy for Donny, so I like it.
 
Below the waves in plumes of red his twisting body spun; the rhythm/structure of this line is interesting. Omitting commas had good effect. 
suspended by the anchor fluke old Donny, lifeless, hung.
Next day the Belle was cast and strewn.
On high-tide line they found her boom,
the sheet all tangled, gooseneck sheared;
no sight of Donny though all peered
out to the sinful, sobbing sea.  
 
One year passed by and stories died of Donny and the Belle. Themes of death are prevalent throughout, and "stories died" seems a little trite. This line introduces the idea of time as a receding force, and the stanza deals with tides. A suggestion: perhaps something like "A year gave way, taking stories of Donny and the Belle" might emphasize both the cause-and-effect relationship and allude to how tides take things as they ebb.
Flotsam floated in on tides, by and by no one could tell
from where came tackle, shreds of net,
splintered clinker planks and yet
out on the highest granite spike
an anchor-line rust-crusted, tight,
sloped hidden, down in to the deep. I think I understand what you're trying to get at in the preceding 6 lines, but the execution seems muddled. "no one could tell from where came tackle" sounds a little awkward. "and yet" implies a connection between what comes before and after, but I fail to see a coherent connection. (from what I can tell, the first part deals with the mystery of where parts of the ship are coming from, and the second deals with the anchor-line being on a granite spike.)   
   
Beneath the beastly, bare-toothed peak, beyond the shelf of shore, "shelf of shore" stands out. With this line, I feel like the preceding line of "sloped hidden, down in to the deep" is unnecessary and is overshadowed by this extremely strong line.
the anchor hung and Donny swung, his fleshly self no more.
His bones picked clean…white-shining… gleamed 
in filtered sun, shot through with green; moving imagery
No ship would sail that close to be
the one who hauled him from the sea… maybe I'm missing it, but it seems unresolved as to why. Is the why thematically important? Is it because they don't know where he is? S6L6 seems to indicate so.
he was forever overboard. Maybe consider changing "was" with "is"? The sudden changing of tense may make the ending more interesting. And I think it fits better with the idea of "forever"
 
tectak
2017

[tectak]

I'm still relatively new to poetry so hopefully this comparison isn't way off, but I struggle with this poem the way I've been struggling to enjoy certain things by Tennyson. The extensive build-up (I do think it was a good idea to expand it) had me expecting a poignant pay off or some kind of twist that would shed a new light on the title, but instead the ending seems to just confirm that the title is what we thought it was.

The way the last line declares itself with such importance you'd think it was some neat paradox or that it added a new layer to everything, but it doesn't seem to. It just sounds cool. I saw themes of mortality, heroism, fighting spirit, fragility of legacy, and etc, but because I knew so little about Donny it came across as a shallow or matter-of-fact exploration of those themes. Sometimes you die and no one remembers you or buries you - that sentiment being the pay off (if I'm right that it is) left me with a "so what?" feeling.

Because of that, I tried to just enjoy the descriptions as I reread the poem. In moments I found them more melodic than creative, but I'm not sure that bothered me; maybe that's just a tradeoff you have to make sometimes? Anyway, what I found creative:

I'll second my love of "her going gone." I always like lines that mix up the parts of speech creatively in that way.

I loved the word bladderwrack because its sound supplied enough of a definition to work without me knowing what it meant. "Fought the wheel" struck me as very fresh too.

"Far down he dived in to the rage, in hopes of calmer sea." I'm not great with the names of poetic devices so I won't try (...paradoxical, maybe?), but I really loved this description of his intentions.

"beyond the shelf of shore" Again, I'm a novice, but I've never personally heard the shore described as a shelf before so I really loved that line too.

Here's the part I'm not sure I should complain about, because I would never even think to if the bigger point of the poem moved me more than it did. The rest of the descriptions obviously sound very good and relate the crash at an exciting pace, but a few of the personifications and phrases struck me as stale. The heartless shore, this way then that, fearsome groan, boiling, spume-frothed, hard and square, plumes of red, bones picked clean, filtered light, sobbing sea (I thought sinful was good), etc.

Again, in context these words function just fine and I'm guessing poets have to compromise and borrow some phrases if they want to complete a poem in a reasonable amount of time, but I just feel like raging seas get personified in the same ways over and over. I only wanted more from the description because, being straightforward in its overall message (if I'm not mistaken), it seemed like the poem was asking me to. And I did really enjoy the action sequence. But all it did was give me a thrill and I feel like it was meant to do more than that.

Donny stopping to pray and screaming his maker's name, two of the more crucial moments, fell flat for me for similar reasons. I don't mind the idea of having him do those things, but they're such stock moments in scenes like this that I feel like they'd need to be accompanied or implied by more solid, original images to really be powerful and fresh.

I thought it was exciting and very well written overall, just not as moving as I think it intended to be.

Hello and thank you CNL. Your comments idicate that you have read this thorughly so no qualms about your ability to crit. Normally, anything posted in Intensive should be pretty well up to scratch but writers are the worst crits of their own work.
There is nothing overly significant in this tale...it is really an excercise in imagination and a work-out for the rhyming brain. It originally "existed" in Mild but there is no reason why writers cannot "move" stuff up...so in that sense it is
an organic piece. If you think there should be more to it then I am open to suggestions though in Intensive the comments are usually  aimed at tightening, clarifying and correcting all kinds of word-use errors, structural defects etc. Nonetheless, gratitude.
Best,
Tectak

---

I very much enjoyed this poem. It is complex, and has narrative depth. Some lines of this poem are especially lyrical and beautiful. My comments below. 

The wildest seas had risen up the night old Donny died.
Close running to the western gales and on an awkward tide,
the Gina Belle had tumbled on,
her stern was low, her going gone. Perhaps consider omitting"was"You may be correct but why would omission of this word improve the piece?
The tumult thrashed and spun her round,
in waves that broke on jagged ground
no more than half a league away. 
 
Flayed bladderwrack flew in the spray, old Donny fought the wheel. Interesting word choice.Could you say which word?
The grounding shook her, jarred her straight and pinned her by the keel;
Again, again, again she skewed
until her timbers cracked and flew
in shards that rained upon the deck,
or what was left, until she wrecked rhythmically very interesting
just off the heartless, granite shore.
 
This way then that she lunged and lurched until the anchor caught. Seems a little clunky, it doesn't flow as well as other lines. I hear you though a strict syllable count is probably more necessary than "flow" because the line is describing a chaotic event.
The hawser ran then plucked and held, the surging pulled it taut…
The seventh wave pressed Gina down, While the "seventh wave" does not scientifically hold water, it is thematically a nice addition.Nice pun...you are, as you are aware, correct...but a lot of seafarers believe in the Seventh Wave. I omitted the capitalisation because...er...it didn't need it BUT I wanted duality of meaning for those whe had never come across the Seventh wave...see how kind am I?
great pinnacles of rock rose round,
four fathoms down she should have stayed
and lain there, but old Donny prayed    
and up she came to fight once more.
 
The cresting wave was peaking but  the anchor still held fast .
A fearsome groan came from  below, a crack and then it passed. Maybe "a passing crack" instead of "a crack and then it passed". Overall, I feel the less words there are in this stanza, the more the action shines through.This is a weak line....but a passing crack might get more comments in the negative. Thank you. i will look again.
For but one moment silence came The tension is well constructed. This line seems a little wordy, breaking from the action. Just the word "silence/then" could carry this line. Or maybe "a fleeting silence/then Donny"...I am unsure what a fleeting silence sounds like...ahem....except a cliche and there are quite enough of those in this.
and Donny screamed his maker’s name…
too late, too late, the cry was lost, "his cry lost" instead of "the cry was lost" might fit better with the emotions of the rest of the stanza.Again, for matters of tense, scan and correctness I wrote it as is. "his cry lost..." implies a defeat for a cry....what I wanted was the cry to be lost in the general cacophony.
by weight of  water he was tossed 
in to the boiling, spume-frothed brine. "into" instead of in to, as it appears you are using it as a prepositionMy bad. I just cannot ever get this on right. Thank you.
 
 Far down he dived in to the rage, in hopes of calmer sea; Same as above. Perhaps you are doing this intentionally, I'm not sure. Normally, "in to" is separated when "in" is part of a phrasal verb or "to" is part of an infinitive, etc. "Dived in" is a phrasal verb, and this wording implies that is your intention, but in context it is clear that you are talking about motion, not "starting to do something"
the safety bight was tight so he unhitched the line, made free.
He swam possessed, some distance gained,
then burst for breath while wreckage rained
around him, crashing everywhere. This line and the two lines preceding it, together, is very lyrical. Nice.
The anchor hit him hard and square;
and  blood was on the rusting iron. This line has a matter-of-fact tone and says the obvious (if the anchor hit him, of course blood would get on it). For me, the contrast between its tone and the gruesome death furthers my sympathy for Donny, so I like it.Originally, the anchor hit him but may have rendered him unconscious. As the thing became organic I could not drag out his distress as an unconscious Donny floating forever in the sea so I gave him a quick end....
 
Below the waves in plumes of red his twisting body spun; the rhythm/structure of this line is interesting. Omitting commas had good effect. Again, I was conscious of the need to "spin" with the wording so result.
suspended by the anchor fluke old Donny, lifeless, hung.
Next day the Belle was cast and strewn.
On high-tide line they found her boom,
the sheet all tangled, gooseneck sheared;
no sight of Donny though all peered
out to the sinful, sobbing sea.  
 
One year passed by and stories died of Donny and the Belle. Themes of death are prevalent throughout, and "stories died" seems a little trite. This line introduces the idea of time as a receding force, and the stanza deals with tides. A suggestion: perhaps something like "A year gave way, taking stories of Donny and the Belle" might emphasize both the cause-and-effect relationship and allude to how tides take things as they ebb.I am a rhyme whore and I got the "by" and "died" just enough to satisfy...er...me. There is only one other diectly dying reference in the first stanza so I figure I got away with it. Apparently not
Flotsam floated in on tides, by and by no one could tell
from where came tackle, shreds of net,
splintered clinker planks and yet
out on the highest granite spike
an anchor-line rust-crusted, tight,
sloped hidden, down in to the deep. I think I understand what you're trying to get at in the preceding 6 lines, but the execution seems muddled. "no one could tell from where came tackle" sounds a little awkward. "and yet" implies a connection between what comes before and after, but I fail to see a coherent connection. (from what I can tell, the first part deals with the mystery of where parts of the ship are coming from, and the second deals with the anchor-line being on a granite spike.) A whole lot depends on whether you, the reader between the lines, can bring yourself to think the unthinkable...in spite of bits and pieces coming in on the tides no one risked going out to the craggy, pointed deep water rocks where a rusting hawser was visible...and was STILL visible long after the chances of flotsam could conceivably be from the Gina Belle... 
   
Beneath the beastly, bare-toothed peak, beyond the shelf of shore, "shelf of shore" stands out. With this line, I feel like the preceding line of "sloped hidden, down in to the deep" is unnecessary and is overshadowed by this extremely strong line.I had problems with the "....sloped hidden down into the deep" line...and still do. It needs looking at. Thanks.
the anchor hung and Donny swung, his fleshly self no more.
His bones picked clean…white-shining… gleamed 
in filtered sun, shot through with green; moving imagery
No ship would sail that close to be
the one who hauled him from the sea… maybe I'm missing it, but it seems unresolved as to why. Is the why thematically important? Is it because they don't know where he is? S6L6 seems to indicate so.
he was forever overboard. Maybe consider changing "was" with "is"? The sudden changing of tense may make the ending more interesting. And I think it fits better with the idea of "forever"See earlier. I know a seascape as described where it is damn near impossible to  "get to" a particularly well known "spike" by land or sea. The whole area is in deep water but with very nasty, sharp upward spikes. Why risk it for a bit of old hawser which may or may not have something on the end of it?...hmmm...perhaps that's another story
 
tectak
2017