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Half empty bottles of ranch dressing
were found rotting by the corpse
of the community garden.
The neighbourhood youth had heard
that radishes amplify the effects
of marijuana cigarettes,
and delay the arrival of orgasm.
These rumours were proven true
when the free range salad bar
devolved into an orgy.
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Threads: 82
Joined: Sep 2013
Fun to read. S1 really had me wondering, then the explanation and result. nice.
(06-16-2017, 02:15 AM)Wjames Wrote: Half empty bottles of ranch dressing
were found rotting by the corpse
of the community garden.
The neighbourhood youth had heard
that radishes amplify the effects
of marijuana cigarettes,
and delay the arrival of orgasm.
These rumours were proven true
when the ensuing orgy devolved
into a free range salad bar.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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Thanks ella, I really like the first stanza, I don't know if the next two hold up.
Posts: 750
Threads: 408
Joined: May 2014
Hey WJ, enjoyed this. A couple thoughts below
(06-16-2017, 02:15 AM)Wjames Wrote: Half empty bottles of ranch dressing with "bottles" plural and 'ranch' specified, I wonder why not one kid wanted wanted a creamy cucumber or a mango vinaigrette. - a short list might not hurt the piece. I realize you can't use the word salad again - you need it later
were found rotting by the corpse
of the community garden.
The neighbourhood youth had heard
that radishes amplify the effects
of marijuana cigarettes,
and delay the arrival of orgasm.
These rumours were proven true
when the ensuing orgy devolved devolved is tripping me here. There's an anti-climax (sorry) For me it reads better with the last 2 lines reversed... my read below - oblige me, only because you mentioned it.
into a free range salad bar.
The rumours were proven true
when a free range salad bar
devolved into orgy.
Thanks for the read WJ. I enjoyed it from a few angles.
Paul
Posts: 489
Threads: 182
Joined: Jan 2013
Thanks guys, I agree with you Tiger on the last stanza, I think that improves the piece, I've made the change. I personally don't see the need to add other dressings to the piece, though, especially as ranch is widely regarded as the dressing of those with unrefined palettes (whatever that means), and might add to the piece in that way.
I think the first stanza is connected to the next two, Luis, but I appreciate your thoughts nontheless.
