Edit 1: The Searing Flame

[The Four-Eyed Cat]

Firstly, thanks to all those for the thorough feedback! here is the first edit of the poem. The original version is down below. 

Edit 1: 
When the Trojan horse was still a foal,
there burned a flame within a soul.
I feel its passion kindling the ember in my veins,
compelling me to hold the world by its reins.
 
Whether I was Charlemagne or Alexander,
kings and empires would crumble beneath my canter.
Biblical clay that would be hardened by heresy,
turned every flame into a testimony to my legacy.
 
My will; an inferno that would seek to ignite,
would entice others with the fragrance of might.
The fire that made even the gods tremble and fall,
made sure no man was able to withstand its call.
 
Arise, ye who would burn down Olympus with their own flame;
Let the zealots of tomorrow herald thy victorious name
With great vehemence, usher out of this age of ire and strife,
by burning down Eden with the tree that bore the fruit of life.
 
Sow the seeds of tomorrow on this here fertile and ashen land;
Let your glory purify the world of the wretched and the damned.
When our zeal shall evaporate like a dying star,
the birth of peace shall bury our war.


Original Post:

HI everyone! Here's my first post. I hope you like it.


In a distant past, where the horse of Troy was still a foal
There arose a scorching cinder within an ancient soul
Now more than ever, I feel its fiery passion kindling the ember in my veins
As insurmountable strength flows through me, while I hold the world by its reins
 
Atop of Buchephalian offspring, whether I was Charlemagne or Alexander
Kings and empires would crumble beneath my mighty canter
From the sacking of Jerusalem to Iskandarian clay, hardened by heresy
In my wake, every dancing flame would be a testimony to my legacy
 
My will was like a scalding inferno that would fervidly ignite
And entice others with the alluring fragrance of titanic might
The primordial flames that made even the gods tremble and fall
Made sure no mortal man was able to withstand its beckoning call
 
Arise, ye who would burn down Olympus with their own sacred flame
And let the zealots of tomorrow herald thy victorious name
With great vehemence, usher out of this age of ire and strife
By burning down Eden with the tree that bore the fruit of life
 
Sow the seeds of tomorrow on this here now fertile and ashen land
Let your blazing glory purify the world of the wretched and the damned
And when our smoldering zeal shall evaporate like a dying star
It shall be the birth of peace that will bury us together with our holy war

[nibbed]

hi, four-eyed cat.


In a distant past, where the horse of Troy was still a foal                                           since we know it's Troy, shouldn't it be "when"
There arose a scorching cinder within an ancient soul                                               
Now more than ever, I feel its fiery passion kindling the ember in my veins
As insurmountable strength flows through me, while I hold the world by its reins      perhaps some elimination will sharpen the meter
 
Atop of Buchephalian offspring, whether I was Charlemagne or Alexander
Kings and empires would crumble beneath my mighty canter
From the sacking of Jerusalem to Iskandarian clay, hardened by heresy
In my wake, every dancing flame would be a testimony to my legacy                      this is telling, just needs more order in verse
 
My will was like a scalding inferno that would fervidly ignite
And entice others with the alluring fragrance of titanic might
The primordial flames that made even the gods tremble and fall
Made sure no mortal man left was able to withstand its beckoning call                      cute stanza, does the speaker have curly hair? ha I imagine it.
 
Arise, ye who would burn down Olympus with their own sacred flame
And let the zealots of tomorrow herald thy victorious name
With great vehemence, usher out of this age of ire and strife
By burning down Eden with the tree that bore the fruit of life                                   amazing last line
 
Sow the seeds of tomorrow on this here now fertile and ashen land
Let your blazing glory purify the world of the wretched and the damned
And when our smoldering zeal shall evaporate like a dying star
It shall be the birth of peace that will bury us together with our holy war                 great stanza, but sharpen the last line


What a charge of verse!
Strangely as I read this I heard
the voice of a king or conquerer.

best wishes
janine

[The Four-Eyed Cat]

Thanks alot for these kind words Nibbed!

I'm going to take these points into consideration and think how i can make it better! Regarding your first one (on elimination) - What do you think of
"Insurmountable strength (flows) while i hold the world by its reins"?

[Richard]

Hey The Four-Eyed Cat,
Your poem had some images in it that I liked. My biggest suggestions would be about some of your wording and meter, but I'll go into more detail below:

HI everyone! Here's my first post. I hope you like it.



In a distant past, where the horse of Troy was still a foal -I liked this first line. The image is potent. My only suggestion would  be to say "Trojan Horse" instead of "the horse of Troy." I understand that you did the latter because of meter, but I say screw the meter and just say what you have to say.
There arose a scorching cinder within an ancient soul
Now more than ever, I feel its fiery passion kindling the ember in my veins
As insurmountable strength flows through me, while I hold the world by its reins -I am a little confused. Who is the speaker in this stanza? I get the impression that the searing flame is the speaker in the rest of the poem, but it seems like someone/something else here. Am I correct?
 
Atop of Buchephalian offspring, whether I was Charlemagne or Alexander
Kings and empires would crumble beneath my mighty canter -I like the use of "beneath my mighty canter".  It goes back to the horse imagery in the first stanza and has a double meaning. Nice language use.
From the sacking of Jerusalem to Iskandarian clay, hardened by heresy
In my wake, every dancing flame would be a testimony to my legacy -I like the rhyme here. In my opinion, "heresy" and "legacy" are interesting choices for rhyming words.
 
My will was like a scalding inferno that would fervidly ignite
And entice others with the alluring fragrance of titanic might -I'm sorry, but "titanic might" made me think of something you would hear in a comic book back in the 1950's.
The primordial flames that made even the gods tremble and fall
Made sure no mortal man left was able to withstand its beckoning call -"mortal man" seems a bit redundant to me. Again, I feel like you're worded it like that because of the meter.
 
Arise, ye who would burn down Olympus with their own sacred flame
And let the zealots of tomorrow herald thy victorious name -Please use different words than "ye" and "thy". They sound like something from the 1650's.
With great vehemence, usher out of this age of ire and strife
By burning down Eden with the tree that bore the fruit of life -I like the image here. It's strong and supports the main idea of your poem. However, the wording hurts its effectiveness. For example, why not just say the fruit's name instead of "fruit of life"? I would consider rewording this line.
 
Sow the seeds of tomorrow on this here now fertile and ashen land
Let your blazing glory purify the world of the wretched and the damned
And when our smoldering zeal shall evaporate like a dying star
It shall be the birth of peace that will bury us together with our holy war -I notice that you use no periods in this poem. In my opinion, you need to go all in if you want to do that and also drop the capitalization, or keep some of the caps and add periods, commas and semicolons.

Overall, I like what you're going for in this poem. I would just recommend revising it without adhering to the meter as much, and may be even drop some or all the rhymes. I be curious to see what you would end up with.

Keep writing,
Richard

[Achebe]

Hi - not meaning to discourage you here, but this poem has all the characteristics of beginners' poetry: stilted, archaic language, inverted word order and lines forcefully stretched out for no other purpose than to fit rhyme and meter.

A few specific observations (they apply to virtually every line): 

My will was like a scalding inferno that would fervidly ignite
And entice others with the alluring fragrance of titanic might

has a simile (your will was like an inferno) that leads nowhere - because an inferno doesn't "entice" anyone other than a volcanologist. So you began with a simile, but forgot about it and moved on to the next line. Moreover, an inferno doesn't have 'fragrance' and even if it did, the metaphor would become 'fragrance of might'. Might doesn't have fragrance. You can substitute any word or phrase that might vaguely go with 'alluring' - taste, thrill, feeling - and the line would be as meaningless.

Also, too many adjectives and adverbs, which are best used sparingly, and not at all, in poetry - scalding, fervidly, alluring, titanic.  

At other places, you have metaphors that are equally poorly phrased, eg:

There arose a scorching cinder within an ancient soul

makes no sense, because a cinder doesn't 'arise' - a cinder is a dying product of combustion.

[The Four-Eyed Cat]

Thanks alot for your replies, Richard & Achebe!

I liked this first line. The image is potent. My only suggestion would  be to say "Trojan Horse" instead of "the horse of Troy." I understand that you did the latter because of meter, but I say screw the meter and just say what you have to say. - Good suggestion, will definitely take this one to heart.

I am a little confused. Who is the speaker in this stanza? I get the impression that the searing flame is the speaker in the rest of the poem, but it seems like someone/something else here. Am I correct? Correct. The 'Flame' has had multiple vessels throughout the ages, in the first stanza it is a new person that inherits it, in the stanzas that follow, it is the flame itself.
 
"mortal man" seems a bit redundant to me. Again, I feel like you're worded it like that because of the meter.
I thought it would be a fitting choice considering the thematic of gods.
 
Please use different words than "ye" and "thy". They sound like something from the 1650's.
Regarding the use of 'Ye' and 'Thy', it hought it'd be most fitting under the ancient pretext of sacking Olympus. 

-I like the image here. It's strong and supports the main idea of your poem. However, the wording hurts its effectiveness. For example, why not just say the fruit's name instead of "fruit of life"? I would consider rewording this line. - i'm not entirely sure what the name of the fruit of life was, i believe the bible just called it plainly 'the fruit of life'.
 

I notice that you use no periods in this poem. In my opinion, you need to go all in if you want to do that and also drop the capitalization, or keep some of the caps and add periods, commas and semicolons.  Agreed, I will keep an eye out for that!


Overall, I like what you're going for in this poem. I would just recommend revising it without adhering to the meter as much, and may be even drop some or all the rhymes. I be curious to see what you would end up with.  You've given me some great pointers that i'll certainly use! Regarding dropping rhymes, i will experiment with it, but i doubt that I will drop it. 

Keep writing,
Richard

Hi - not meaning to discourage you here, but this poem has all the characteristics of beginners' poetry: stilted, archaic language, inverted word order and lines forcefully stretched out for no other purpose than to fit rhyme and meter. Not discouraged here! i'm a beginner and i welcome all feedback/critique! (Else i wouldn't open this thread )

A few specific observations (they apply to virtually every line): 

My will was like a scalding inferno that would fervidly ignite
And entice others with the alluring fragrance of titanic might

has a simile (your will was like an inferno) that leads nowhere - because an inferno doesn't "entice" anyone other than a volcanologist. So you began with a simile, but forgot about it and moved on to the next line. Moreover, an inferno doesn't have 'fragrance' and even if it did, the metaphor would become 'fragrance of might'. Might doesn't have fragrance. You can substitute any word or phrase that might vaguely go with 'alluring' - taste, thrill, feeling - and the line would be as meaningless. To defend my choice of words here; While an inferno might not entice others, a will does.  Like an inferno might be spreading from building to building, so will 'his' will from soul to soul. In regards to fragrance, i disagree with you there. The promise of power is the most effective perfume this world has ever known. 

Also, too many adjectives and adverbs, which are best used sparingly, and not at all, in poetry - scalding, fervidly, alluring, titanic.  
This is good advice, i've eliminated some of the adjectives and i'm quite happy with the result!

At other places, you have metaphors that are equally poorly phrased, eg:

There arose a scorching cinder within an ancient soul

makes no sense, because a cinder doesn't 'arise' - a cinder is a dying product of combustion.

I think you might be confused with embers. 

Once more, thanks for the feedback!

[Achebe]

has a simile (your will was like an inferno) that leads nowhere - because an inferno doesn't "entice" anyone other than a volcanologist. So you began with a simile, but forgot about it and moved on to the next line. Moreover, an inferno doesn't have 'fragrance' and even if it did, the metaphor would become 'fragrance of might'. Might doesn't have fragrance. You can substitute any word or phrase that might vaguely go with 'alluring' - taste, thrill, feeling - and the line would be as meaningless. To defend my choice of words here; While an inferno might not entice others, a will does.  Like an inferno might be spreading from building to building, so will 'his' will from soul to soul. In regards to fragrance, i disagree with you there. The promise of power is the most effective perfume this world has ever known. 

If an inferno does not entice others, then you need to change either the word "entice" or the simile of the inferno. 
What you are actually saying is:
my will is like an inferno that has the fragrance of titanic might
the issue is perhaps clearer when written out that way.

At other places, you have metaphors that are equally poorly phrased, eg:

There arose a scorching cinder within an ancient soul

makes no sense, because a cinder doesn't 'arise' - a cinder is a dying product of combustion.

I think you might be confused with embers. 

'Cinder' stems from the old Germanic for dross, similar to 'sinter' as in iron ore sinter. Dross from the metal smelting process starts out hot, then cools.
In modern usage, it refers variously to slag, hot ashes, embers, coke, lava that has cooled on the surface but is hot underneath. In all these cases, it is at the end of a particular combustion process. It is similar to ember, but embers have a woody origin.

[ellajam]

Hi, 4eyes, welcome to the Pen. Just a word on abandoning meter in order ro ditch inversion, unnecessary decriptive words or any other weaknesses found in your poem. All one has to do is read fine poets of past and present to see that sound meter can drive a poem along while avoiding the pitfalls. Just on this site (try the practice threads or examples throughout the site) you'll find wonderful poems that adhere to a steady meter yet have no filler words or inversions to achieve that meter, that have rhymes that work to aid the poem.

It takes a lot of work and practice but if that is where your interest lies and that is the poetry you like and want to write it's woth the effort.

If you haven't yet read Colin Ward's poetry tips there's a link to it on the right side of our home page, fun to read and on the money. I hope you enjoy the site and editing your poem.

[nibbed]

Thanks alot for these kind words Nibbed!

I'm going to take these points into consideration and think how i can make it better! Regarding your first one (on elimination) - What do you think of
"Insurmountable strength (flows) while i hold the world by its reins"?

Hi, The Four-Eyed Cat.

I understand the cleverness of the word insurmountable,
but it almost seems as if it is hammy or cheap.
Plus it has an awkward syllabic quality.

Best wishes for you and your poem.
Janine

[The Four-Eyed Cat]

Thank you for all the feedback! I updated the initial post with my edited version.