Silkworms

[elleblack]

silkworms

ask me more than once
why vomit coats my tongue
when the heat makes veins
crawl like slow slugs
and I will tell you
 
that on thursday
my face extended
to touch every flat wall  
 
that expulsion on the sink edge is alien
and this cloud of hung and heavy silk
once moved yellow and alive
in the entrails of silkworms
 
that the underbelly of my rimmed ear
reminds me of formation
tendrilled cartilage and baby tendons
in the shock dark
 
that a creature like a bat encased me
somewhere between january and march
when its skin fused elastic
the folded sharpness of the ridge formed
 
that the baby is two halves
and in the river
water glides green over itself
its squirming molecules the kissbreeze
that caressed me soft on kelvingrove street

[Todd]

We often believe that praise is more damaging to the writer than criticism. So, this piece creates some challenges for me. I think this is lovely work of a type quite different than I write so that makes me appreciate it even more. I will hope to give you something helpful in the comments below.

silkworms

ask me more than once--I'm going to try to resist interpreting this too much. I do like the opening because the ask me more than once implies that the questioner does not believe the speaker's first answer (since they provide an answer later presumably they say something. 
why vomit coats my tongue--Coats is a good choice. At this point we may relate vomit to sickness or overindulgence of some type. 
when the heat makes veins
crawl like slow slugs--Love the imagery fixing the lethargy from heat, an unwillingness or inability to move.
and I will tell you --Good place for a strophe break, builds tension.
 
that on thursday--You could capitalize Thursday but it doesn't kill me. Larger issue it seems like a weak word to break on thematically. Maybe pull up the next line.
my face extended
to touch every flat wall --This gives a sense of inebriation--though possibly illness. Optionally, surface instead of wall would allow you to move the speaker onto the floor. Is there a type of wall that isn't flat? Does the word add anything? 
 
that expulsion on the sink edge is alien--Didn't make it to the sink. What came before the vomit coated tongue presumably.
and this cloud of hung and heavy silk --Metaphor for the atmosphere in the room in the speaker's head. Heavy is an interesting choice. I like it nothing I normally think of with silk but ties nicely into the title and the disturbing view below.
once moved yellow and alive
in the entrails of silkworms--You have this image that goes to the insides of silkworms discussing a process that was once alive inside of them contrasted with the narrator with something moving and alive in them--their current sickness 
 
that the underbelly of my rimmed ear
reminds me of formation
tendrilled cartilage and baby tendons
in the shock dark--Very embryonic sounding and creation myth sounding. I especially like rimmed, tendrilled and in the shock dark. Precise, tight writing.
 
that a creature like a bat encased me--I'm probably missing some of this but it feels like the speaker is incorporating the silk moth and cocoon language.
somewhere between january and march--Conception possibly
when its skin fused elastic
the folded sharpness of the ridge formed
 
that the baby is two halves--while the baby could be metaphor this could be any baby from shared dna. This section has my favorite phrasing in the poem from "that the baby...glides green over itself"
and in the river
water glides green over itself --lovely writing
its squirming molecules the kissbreeze--like the kissbreeze compression. It feels like nature is trying to manufacture a word for a feeling. 
that caressed me soft on kelvingrove street--I also like the street name to ground what would otherwise feel like a bit of magical realism. 

My interpretation might have taken me down the wrong road. I did thorougly enjoy the piece. I hope that something will be helpful to you in the comments.

Best,

Todd

[elleblack]

Hi Todd, 

Thanks so much for your feedback!! 

Your comments on the 'wall' line are really helpful - I was trying to make sure that every word was necessary and that there wasn't anything the poem didn't need so I think a change of this would be good - had been considering changing to 'plane' but I think I like your suggestion of 'surface' better. 

I'm really pleased you got the idea of conception from the fifth verse - I thought it might have been too vague. 
And the thing you said about using the street name at the end is really interesting to me, and definitely not something I'd thought about so thank you! I was thinking about taking it out but I agree that it might make the poem seem too flimsy and without 'grounding' as you put it. 

Thanks again for your reply, this is my first time sharing work so it was very daunting! Your comments will help me a lot.

[Wjames]

silkworms

ask me more than once
why vomit coats my tongue
when the heat makes veins
crawl like slow slugs "slow" seems superfluous - I've never seen a fast slug.
and I will tell you
 
that on thursday
my face extended
to touch every flat wall  Sets the fever dream tone.
 
that expulsion on the sink edge is alien
and this cloud of hung and heavy silk
once moved yellow and alive
in the entrails of silkworms  Perfect stanza - striking and clear.
 
that the underbelly of my rimmed ear
reminds me of formation 
tendrilled cartilage and baby tendons 
in the shock dark This stanza tripped me up a bit. I personally can't see why the underbelly of a rimmed ear would remind someone of formation tendrilled cartilage and baby tendons. This may be intentional as the poem is delirious. It does sound very nice, though, and creates a nice atmosphere. The other stanzas are able to sound nice and create a nice delirious atmosphere for me without creating a connection I can not comprehend, though.
 
that a creature like a bat encased me
somewhere between january and march
when its skin fused elastic I think this jagged, grammatically awkward line break is intentional, but I would personally add "over" at the start of the next line to connect the two lines a little more.
the folded sharpness of the ridge formed  
 
that the baby is two halves the vomit and the silk?
and in the river
water glides green over itself
its squirming molecules the kissbreeze
that caressed me soft on kelvingrove street Nice ending

Very clever structure with each stanza asking the question that was asked more than once. Wonderful fever dreams that are hard to make heads or tails out of, but rather leave the reader with a number of possible readings. Fun to read, thanks for sharing.

[Richard]

Hey elleblack,
I liked this piece. It has a wonderful sound and flow to it. My only issues would come from trying to interpret it. I'll go into more detail below:

silkworms

ask me more than once
why vomit coats my tongue
when the heat makes veins
crawl like slow slugs
and I will tell you -I liked this stanza. It sounds great, but also creates some wonderful images in my mind as I read it. The image in the second line has no right sounding poetic, yet it works, so that is just wonderful language use.
 
that on thursday
my face extended
to touch every flat wall  -I don't quite get what is going on in this stanza. Why is Thursday so important that it's worth mentioning? I might be missing something. It wouldn't be the first time.
 
that expulsion on the sink edge is alien -I love this line. You get a lot of mileage out of vomit in this poem, and for some reason that makes me happy.
and this cloud of hung and heavy silk
once moved yellow and alive
in the entrails of silkworms -This image is just disgusting. I love it! It was in this stanza that I started to think this poem was about someone being pregnant.
 
that the underbelly of my rimmed ear
reminds me of formation
tendrilled cartilage and baby tendons
in the shock dark -This stanza confirmed my idea about this being about pregnancy. I get the impression that the speaker isn't super thrilled about being pregnant. Was that your intention?
 
that a creature like a bat encased me -This line made me feel bad for the impending baby.
somewhere between january and march -This gave me the impression that the speaker doesn't even know who the father is. Am I right?
when its skin fused elastic
the folded sharpness of the ridge formed
 
that the baby is two halves -I don't get this line. Is it trying to tell us that she's having twins?
and in the river
water glides green over itself -The second and third line here seem a bit unclear to me. Is this referring to the womb?
its squirming molecules the kissbreeze
that caressed me soft on kelvingrove street -These last two lines are a strong ending. I particularly love "squirming molecules" as a way to describe the unborn child. It's wonderful wording.

Overall, this is a strong poem. I think it just needs some minor tweaks.

Nice work,
Richard

[vagabond]

silkworms

ask me more than once
why vomit coats my tongue
when the heat makes veins
crawl like slow slugs
and I will tell you     and it´s coming out in the next stanzas, bit by bit, how you put that draws the reader close to the subject
 
that on thursday
my face extended              seems to transport being shocked…
to touch every flat wall  ..  and this maybe somehow failure of the environment to deal with the subject  (it´s kind of a vague image to me, so I´m assuming a lot)
 
that expulsion on the sink edge is alien    consider a “the” in front of “expulsion”
and this cloud of hung and heavy silk
once moved yellow and alive
in the entrails of silkworms   here I couldn´t find a meaning though feelings of disgust transport thoroughly
 
that the underbelly of my rimmed ear    I admire how you tear normalcy apart with the following visions
reminds me of formation
tendrilled cartilage and baby tendons
in the shock dark
 
that a creature like a bat encased me      heard the uterus being called a bat. I´m not sure if that association might be intentional, but I can fit it into what I imagine here... also not quite sure if the poem´s subject changes in this stanza.
somewhere between january and march
when its skin fused elastic
the folded sharpness of the ridge formed     gives me an image of embryonic development
 
that the baby is two halves
and in the river
water glides green over itself      
its squirming molecules the kissbreeze
that caressed me soft on kelvingrove street   the preceding 4 lines gave me a  vision of miscarriage.. the last line made me think about abortion, since it seemed to transport some acceptance  (but for it being about abortion the green water wouldn´t make sense..).
 

this poem is powerful.
I remain unsure about the metaphors´ meaning, but I also think this shows how the subject´s state is hard to grasp, and it contributes a lot to the nightmarish atmosphere.

[elleblack]

thank you so much for your feedback everyone! a lot to think about - I will make some changes!

[nibbed]

Hi elleblack

I have read through this a few times, but will need to come back again. I am drawing many different things from the poem, so I think my reply will be both critique and interpretation.


silkworms                                                           a new innovation or is it about silkworms?
                                                
ask me more than once                                        a need to be heard, cared for
why vomit coats my tongue                                 someone sick, I drew from this chemotherapy
when the heat makes veins                                   radiation therapy, perhaps?
crawl like slow slugs
and I will tell you                                        
 
that on thursday                                                    I like how it goes into the next stanza, I detect youthfulness/hope in that
my face extended
to touch every flat wall                                         perhaps X-rays, or a visual compusion
 
that expulsion on the sink edge is alien                as though the speaker is in the bathroom, ill
and this cloud of hung and heavy silk
once moved yellow and alive
in the entrails of silkworms                                  a shower curtain
 
that the underbelly of my rimmed ear                   I'm lost here
reminds me of formation
tendrilled cartilage and baby tendons                    but think of cancer again
in the shock dark
 
that a creature like a bat encased me
somewhere between january and march              
when its skin fused elastic
the folded sharpness of the ridge formed
 
that the baby is two halves                                    I want to argue at this line, though I don't know why
and in the river                              
water glides green over itself                                 algae
its squirming molecules the kissbreeze
that caressed me soft on kelvingrove street           the last line is wonderful





I probably misinterpreted it big time, but it was fun to read and work through.
Thank you kindly for a chance to critique.


janine