About your bravery, Davina

[Tiger the Lion]

About your bravery, Davina
 
Sometimes your eyes
move through mine—
 
throw off real time
in anticipation
of another Goliath.
 
It slays me.

[dukealien]

About your bravery, Davina
 
Sometimes your eyes
move through mine—
 
throw off real time
in anticipation
of another Goliath.
 
It slays me.

Several good twists there - feminine of David, confirmation that it's not referring (on first reading) to one of the other Urban Dictionary meanings of "Davina" (the irresistible chick, Weed).  The last line harks back (for me) to the 70s when I first heard "You slay me!" as acknowledgement that your humor makes me laugh uncontrollably... meant here, or not?  Anyway, to me, it's another twist:  with the title, that the serious seeing-beyond-the-horizon there is not taken seriously by the viewpoint character.

Quite complex, then - real drama, false drama exposed, or real misapprehended as false?  Like it!

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks Duke. I appreciate you reading and picking at this. Your comments are very helpful deciding what works and what doesn't as I continue to experiment with compressed short work. I confess I meant "slay"  slightly different - but not entirely, so I consider it a partial win and a lesson at the same time.
Thanks,
Paul

[nibbed]

Hi Tiger the Lion,

Your poem made me smile. I have to admit, I also looked up Davina, before catching the feminine of David. I was thinking it sounded like chocolate for some reason...Strangely, whenever I see the word Goliath, I think immediately of the insect, not the Biblical character, so I threw myself off. Not a flaw with the poem, just with me.

About your bravery, Davina
 
Sometimes your eyes                     Maybe only "your eyes"
move through mine—                    this is scary in itself, that someone might see/think things that another sees or thinks at any given moment,
                                                      almost imprisoning...
throw off real time                          shorten it to "tossing"?
in anticipation
of another Goliath.                          this could indicate three hidden scenarios: 1. Goliath was already there
                                                                                                                       2. A sort of suspicious, just-in-case "tit for tat"?
It slays me.                                     adorably cute last liner.                              3. It was GOD working it all
                                                       the speaker is the giant or they are just really laughing. Clever!


Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. I am trying to learn how to impliment the strike through option, but I am failing.
Perhaps shorten the title, too?

Best wishes,
Janine