In a hammock on the first eve of Summer. Edit .00001 richard

[tectak]

Dusk dropped stale and breathless, felt like dark was overdue.
A beeswax moon was dodging past a kapok caricature.
I drifted in and out of sleep, my dreams became the sky; 
a silent movie melded from the pageant passing by.

Silhouettes of summer, leaves of apple dappled green,
filled the space between my head and the distant silver screen.
No melody in minor keys, no swelling heaven's throng...
but listen to the still, cool air and hear the nightjar's song.
tectak
2017

[ellajam]

An easy poem to sink into.

Dusk dropped stale and breathless, felt like dark was overdue. "felt like" doesn't appeal to me, you might consider "as if".
A beeswax moon was dodging past a kapok caricature. Great image.
I drifted in and out of sleep, my dreams became the sky; consider a punctuation change: , to ; then ; to :
a silent movie melded from the pageant passing by.

Silhouettes of summer, leaves of apple dark and green,
filled the space between my head and the distant silver screen. Love the filling of the space.
No melody in minor keys, no swelling heaven's throng...
but listen to the still, cool air and hear the nightjar's song. Ties perfectly to the opening line.
tectak
2017

Thanks for the read, I'm enjoying it.

[tectak]

An easy poem to sink into.

Dusk dropped stale and breathless, felt like dark was overdue. "felt like" doesn't appeal to me, you might consider "as if".
A beeswax moon was dodging past a kapok caricature. Great image.
I drifted in and out of sleep, my dreams became the sky; consider a punctuation change: , to ; then ; to :
a silent movie melded from the pageant passing by.

Silhouettes of summer, leaves of apple dark and green,
filled the space between my head and the distant silver screen. Love the filling of the space.
No melody in minor keys, no swelling heaven's throng...
but listen to the still, cool air and hear the nightjar's song. Ties perfectly to the opening line.
tectak
2017

Thanks for the read, I'm enjoying it.

Thanks ella,
I tried to be too clever. Felt like is dual meaning. Ah the hell with it. I'm with you

best,
tectak

[Richard]

Hey tectak,
This is a pretty strong poem, so there isn't a lot to critique. However, I will attempt it:

Dusk dropped stale and breathless, felt like dark was overdue. -I get how dusk is breathless based on what the rest of the poem is about. However, I don't understand why dusk is stale. I would consider using a different word that supports the rest of the poem more effectively.
A beeswax moon was dodging past a kapok caricature. This is a wonderful line. It might be the most original line I've read in a while.
I drifted in and out of sleep, my dreams became the sky; 
a silent movie melded from the pageant passing by. -My only issue with the silent movie image is that it makes me think in black and white, and this poem, as evident by the next line, is not in black and white.

Silhouettes of summer, leaves of apple dark and green,
filled the space between my head and the distant silver screen.
No melody in minor keys, no swelling heaven's throng...-I'm assuming "heaven's throng" is referring to the clouds. It seems to me that this might be an overly elaborate why to refer to clouds.
but listen to the still, cool air and hear the nightjar's song. -I love this ending. The silence of dusk is broken in wonderful fashion.
tectak
2017

Like I've said above, this is a good poem, so I feel like I am mainly nit-picking above. However, I did enjoy having the opportunity to read and comment on  it

Cheers,
Richard

[vagabond]

in a hammock on the first eve of summer

Dusk dropped stale and breathless, felt like dark was overdue.    gives a tired feeling
A beeswax moon was dodging past a kapok caricature.
I drifted in and out of sleep, my dreams became the sky; 
a silent movie melded from the pageant passing by.      an image of distance 

Silhouettes of summer, leaves of apple dark and green,
filled the space between my head and the distant silver screen.   I like how the subject is slowly drawn out of his distance by the summer night
No melody in minor keys, no swelling heaven's throng...   as heaven is too far away…
but listen to the still, cool air and hear the nightjar's song.     …but here, something´s found, in the close reality and beauty of a moment.

it´s great.
got nothing to criticize, meter´s perfect and rhyme is fine ( I´m not sure about the pronunciation of caricature), so here´s feedback on what it conveys (to me).
"kapok caricature" is fascinating. it gives a cynic or detached view (caricature) on the world as a whole (the kapok tree having a similar meaning as yggdrasil). I also like the title, reminding of how such thoughts  seem to somehow suspend the thinker.

[tectak]

Hey tectak,
This is a pretty strong poem, so there isn't a lot to critique. However, I will attempt it:

Dusk dropped stale and breathless, felt like dark was overdue. -I get how dusk is breathless based on what the rest of the poem is about. However, I don't understand why dusk is stale. I would consider using a different word that supports the rest of the poem more effectively.
A beeswax moon was dodging past a kapok caricature. This is a wonderful line. It might be the most original line I've read in a while.
I drifted in and out of sleep, my dreams became the sky; 
a silent movie melded from the pageant passing by. -My only issue with the silent movie image is that it makes me think in black and white, and this poem, as evident by the next line, is not in black and white.

Silhouettes of summer, leaves of apple dark and green,
filled the space between my head and the distant silver screen.
No melody in minor keys, no swelling heaven's throng...-I'm assuming "heaven's throng" is referring to the clouds. It seems to me that this might be an overly elaborate why to refer to clouds.
but listen to the still, cool air and hear the nightjar's song. -I love this ending. The silence of dusk is broken in wonderful fashion.
tectak
2017

Like I've said above, this is a good poem, so I feel like I am mainly nit-picking above. However, I did enjoy having the opportunity to read and comment on  it

Cheers,
Richard

Hi rich,
thanks for your time. I put this in mild because it is what it is...an observational piece. Having said that, some bits are easier for me than the reader. Why stale? A whole day of hot ,still and stagnant  air and all the scents combine. Heaven's throng is usually a crowd of chorally inclined  angels etc singing  praisy shite.None of that here.
Oh, silent movie-black and white. In the dusk reflective colour vanishes. The only trace of color is from the back projection of the faintly lit sky/moon. Leaves are translucent.
That is all.
Best,
Tectak.

---

in a hammock on the first eve of summer

Dusk dropped stale and breathless, felt like dark was overdue.    gives a tired feeling
A beeswax moon was dodging past a kapok caricature.
I drifted in and out of sleep, my dreams became the sky; 
a silent movie melded from the pageant passing by.      an image of distance 

Silhouettes of summer, leaves of apple dark and green,
filled the space between my head and the distant silver screen.   I like how the subject is slowly drawn out of his distance by the summer night
No melody in minor keys, no swelling heaven's throng...   as heaven is too far away…
but listen to the still, cool air and hear the nightjar's song.     …but here, something´s found, in the close reality and beauty of a moment.

it´s great.
got nothing to criticize, meter´s perfect and rhyme is fine ( I´m not sure about the pronunciation of caricature), so here´s feedback on what it conveys (to me).
"kapok caricature" is fascinating. it gives a cynic or detached view (caricature) on the world as a whole (the kapok tree having a similar meaning as yggdrasil). I also like the title, reminding of how such thoughts  seem to somehow suspend the thinker.

Hi vaga and thanks for your comments. As I often say, I don't consciously do obscure so whatever elastic myths are made of, it didn't stretch  kapok (light, fluffy fibre used for stuffing pillows and the like...better and less cliche than cotton wool clouds) to Yggdrasil, the Ash support upon which the world sits.
Best,
tectak

[RiverNotch]

Dusk dropped stale and breathless, felt like dark was overdue.
A beeswax moon was dodging past a kapok caricature. not much of a note, but kapok did hurt my head. we pronounce that differently here: since the word was (I suspect, earlier) adopted into Filipino, I don't think we ever bothered to learn how it's pronounced in English.
I drifted in and out of sleep, my dreams became the sky; 
a silent movie melded from the pageant passing by. punctuation here reads rather iffy. maybe "I drifted in and out of sleep -- my dreams became the sky: / a silent movie melded from the pageant passing by."

Silhouettes of summer, leaves of apple dappled green, all the love for "apple dappled". comma at the end is unnecessary, and I am really, really missing that "and leaves..."
filled the space between my head and the distant silver screen.
No melody in minor keys, no swelling heaven's throng...I thought triumphant songs were in major keys? "minor keys" evokes something entirely opposite to what follows (I think), being far more elegiac, and thus detracts from the line being a contrast to the whole. as well, if you agree with this thought, maybe change "melody" to something grander, more triumphant.
but listen to the still, cool air and hear the nightjar's song. the comma is a necessary break: necessary, because "still cool" might introduce a different meaning to the whole, but the 'break' part bothers me, as it renders the ending less smooth, thus less summer's cool. maybe a different word?
tectak
2017

i miss hammocks, though our "summer" is really not something to be so enthused about, unless, say, you live on a beach. all the love for this piece, too.

[tectak]

Dusk dropped stale and breathless, felt like dark was overdue.
A beeswax moon was dodging past a kapok caricature. not much of a note, but kapok did hurt my head. we pronounce that differently here: since the word was (I suspect, earlier) adopted into Filipino, I don't think we ever bothered to learn how it's pronounced in English.
I drifted in and out of sleep, my dreams became the sky; 
a silent movie melded from the pageant passing by. punctuation here reads rather iffy. maybe "I drifted in and out of sleep -- my dreams became the sky: / a silent movie melded from the pageant passing by."

Silhouettes of summer, leaves of apple dappled green, all the love for "apple dappled". comma at the end is unnecessary, and I am really, really missing that "and leaves..."
filled the space between my head and the distant silver screen.
No melody in minor keys, no swelling heaven's throng...I thought triumphant songs were in major keys? "minor keys" evokes something entirely opposite to what follows (I think), being far more elegiac, and thus detracts from the line being a contrast to the whole. as well, if you agree with this thought, maybe change "melody" to something grander, more triumphant.
but listen to the still, cool air and hear the nightjar's song. the comma is a necessary break: necessary, because "still cool" might introduce a different meaning to the whole, but the 'break' part bothers me, as it renders the ending less smooth, thus less summer's cool. maybe a different word?
tectak
2017

i miss hammocks, though our "summer" is really not something to be so enthused about, unless, say, you live on a beach. all the love for this piece, too.

Hi river, all crit eaten BUT  on the punctuation I think our keyboards are incompatible because I couldn't get any sense from your suggested two dashes, colon, forward slash instead of comma, semicolon Harrrummmmmph! 
There was, is, no suggestion of triumphant music in minor keys...that is why I wrote "..NO melody in minor keys" and also "NO swelling heaven's throng"...so that's alright, then
Many thanks,
tectak

[RiverNotch]

oh, two dashes is my substitute for em dash, and the / only indicated a line break. ie,
I drifted in and out of sleep -- my dreams became the sky:
a silent movie melded from the pageant passing by.

On second thought, it's unsatisfactory. I would suggest this now:
I drifted in and out of sleep. My dreams became the sky,
a silent movie melded from the pageant passing by.
or
I drifted in and out of sleep; my dreams became the sky,
a silent movie melded from the pageant passing by.
As far as I recall, semicolons separate, when not listing, independent clauses, so it's more appropriate to separate these two lines with either a colon or a comma.

[tectak]

oh, two dashes is my substitute for em dash, and the / only indicated a line break. ie,
I drifted in and out of sleep -- my dreams became the sky:
a silent movie melded from the pageant passing by.

On second thought, it's unsatisfactory. I would suggest this now:
I drifted in and out of sleep. My dreams became the sky,
a silent movie melded from the pageant passing by.
or
I drifted in and out of sleep; my dreams became the sky,
a silent movie melded from the pageant passing by.
As far as I recall, semicolons separate, when not listing, independent clauses, so it's more appropriate to separate these two lines with either a colon or a comma.

Hi river,
you are as you know absolutely correct on the semicolons use to separate independent clause....that is to say it SHOULD be so used...but, it can also be used to introduce a structured pause longer than a comma but shorter than a period. I use it here to indicate a pensive ponder, as if the character had just thought of the silent movie metaphor. Frankly, you are more right than I am wrong...I need to think on it.
Best,
tectak

[Achebe]

Dusk dropped stale and breathless, felt like dark was overdue. 
A beeswax moon was dodging past a kapok caricature. ... not a fatal flaw, but jars a little bit
I drifted in and out of sleep, my dreams became the sky;  
a silent movie melded from the pageant passing by. ....of all the sins dear to the devil, rhyming 'by' with 'sky' is amongst the worst (best)

Silhouettes of summer, leaves of apple dappled green, ....dappled apple green makes sense, but what shade is 'apple dappled'?
filled the space between my head and the distant silver screen. ....you can't  just end rhyme green with screen 
No melody in minor keys, no swelling heaven's throng...
but listen to the still, cool air and hear the nightjar's song.....again, the rhymes...
tectak
2017

Overall, the end rhymes spoiled an otherwise decent piece