Posts: 42
Threads: 6
Joined: Apr 2017
v1.1
The fragile mesh of thoughts
torn by a falling star.
A sundering of worlds came
the incompleteness
taunting.
In dark desires, glory was found
butchered, hung up by the window
for finer sensibilities.
Twisted wraiths
float in the vacuum;
We are starkillers.
Our truth will bind you
brand you
leave you hungry.
Never-ending sham
of complexity, riddles,
truths shared hesitantly.
A torn mask
marks this lie.
Draw a gaudy heart
across an empty chest.
Original:
Pride ate through the fragile mesh
of thoughts till
a sundering of worlds came,
the incompleteness, taunting
In dark desires, glory was found
butchered, hung up by the window
for finer sensibilities
Twisted tufts of bloody fur
marked the victims
better men
Broken mirrors float
in the lonely space between
two halves;
"We are starkillers
Our truth will bind you
brand you
leave you hungry"
Grasping at holes
as life flows out
failing to keep it together
Never-ending sham of
Completion
of complexity, riddles
truths shared hesitantly
Draw a gaudy heart
across an empty chest
The Chronicles of Lethargia
Posts: 709
Threads: 74
Joined: Mar 2017
Hey Radetof.Yahska,
I liked some of your language use in this poem quite a bit. However, there are some spots that need to made clearer for the reader. I'll go into more detail below:
(05-28-2017, 11:51 AM)Radetof.Yahska Wrote: Pride ate through the fragile mesh
of thoughts till
a sundering of worlds came,
the incompleteness, taunting -This entire first stanza is a bit too abstract for me. I've read it over and over again, and I'm not sure what is going on here. Are you talking about the speaker's pride, or the audience's pride, or the starkillers' pride?
In dark desires, glory was found
butchered, hung up by the window
for finer sensibilities -I love the imagery in this stanza. The mutilation of glory here just really sticks with me. However, I think if you clarified your first stanza, this stanza would be even stronger.
Twisted tufts of bloody fur
marked the victims -Who are the victims? What do they have to do with glory and pride? I feel like this needs to be explored more.
better men
Broken mirrors float
in the lonely space between
two halves;
"We are starkillers -This is a bit of a nit-pick comment, but this line made me think of Star Wars. I get the feeling that "starkillers" is a reference to something (not Star Wars), so I might be missing the relevance of it.
Our truth will bind you
brand you
leave you hungry"
Grasping at holes -Who's holes? Are we back to pride, glory, or the victims, or may be the holes are the speaker's? This could be made a bit clearer.
as life flows out
failing to keep it together
Never-ending sham of
Completion -Is this capitalized on purpose?
of complexity, riddles
truths shared hesitantly
Draw a gaudy heart
across an empty chest -This is such a dark image to end on. I love it!
I notice that you capitalized some of the words here, but never use a period. I would go all in on one approach; you should either punctuate this poem or write it all in lower case letters. Overall, I think you have a strong first draft here, and I look forward to seeing where you take it from here.
Cheers,
Richard
Posts: 56
Threads: 8
Joined: Jul 2015
first off, i quite like the title... though i've always been biased towards the abstract, evocative ones. anyways, a once-over this poem leaves a bit to be desired in terms of coherence, but more on that later...
(05-28-2017, 11:51 AM)Radetof.Yahska Wrote: Pride ate through the fragile mesh
of thoughts till enjambment is a bit wonky here.
a sundering of worlds came,
the incompleteness, taunting the incompleteness of whom? taunting you, perhaps?
In dark desires, glory was found
butchered, hung up by the window
for finer sensibilities interesting, interesting thoughts here. must be fleshed out and anchored to the ground, however.
Twisted tufts of bloody fur
marked the victims
better men did you mean to say victims of better men? bloody fur implies animals and i don't think this poem is ready for that implication yet.
Broken mirrors float
in the lonely space between
two halves; are we a love poem now?
"We are starkillers
Our truth will bind you
brand you
leave you hungry" is this a quote? either way, i think no need to leave it in quotes. if you do, be sure to punctuate correctly.
Grasping at holes not a pretty image.
as life flows out
failing to keep it together who's failing to keep it together? me?
Never-ending sham of
Completion huh?
of complexity, riddles
truths shared hesitantly quite perhaps it was your intention to write paradoxes.
Draw a gaudy heart
across an empty chest again, an interesting thought. a bit flat to end, but good enough.
i like some of the thoughts you introduced here and could not understand the rest. i think you know what this poem is written about and i don't have an inkling, which i find unfair. give us some clues at least. best of luck!
p.s. i forgot to mention this but i personally love the idea of killing stars and if you take care not to make it too cliche, it could serve as an anchor for what you've already got seeing as it's already the title. right now i don't see the connection.
 like you've been shot (bang bang bang)
Posts: 42
Threads: 6
Joined: Apr 2017
Thanks for the feedback, guys. Will get home and edit. Hope the revised version is more coherent!
The Chronicles of Lethargia
Posts: 42
Threads: 6
Joined: Apr 2017
The revision is up! I look forward to your feedback.
The Chronicles of Lethargia
(05-28-2017, 11:51 AM)Radetof.Yahska Wrote: v1.1
The fragile mesh of thoughts
torn by a falling star.
A sundering of worlds came I believe sundering is a verb and cannot be used as it is in this line. Consider trying the noun 'sunderance' instead.
the incompleteness
taunting. Who or what is the incompleteness taunting? Why is it taunting? A more concrete image may help clarify the meaning of this line.
In dark desires, glory was found I really like these three lines! The image of glory itself being butchered and hung up is wonderful.
butchered, hung up by the window
for finer sensibilities.
Twisted wraiths
float in the vacuum;
We are starkillers.
Our truth will bind you
brand you
leave you hungry.
Never-ending sham
of complexity, riddles,
truths shared hesitantly.
A torn mask How does the torn mask relate to the lie? [b]A more concrete image may help clarify the meaning of this line.[/b]
marks this lie.
Draw a gaudy heart
across an empty chest.
Original:
Pride ate through the fragile mesh
of thoughts till
a sundering of worlds came,
the incompleteness, taunting
In dark desires, glory was found
butchered, hung up by the window
for finer sensibilities
Twisted tufts of bloody fur
marked the victims
better men
Broken mirrors float
in the lonely space between
two halves;
"We are starkillers
Our truth will bind you
brand you
leave you hungry"
Grasping at holes
as life flows out
failing to keep it together
Never-ending sham of
Completion
of complexity, riddles
truths shared hesitantly
Draw a gaudy heart
across an empty chest
Posts: 15
Threads: 3
Joined: Jul 2017
(05-28-2017, 11:51 AM)Radetof.Yahska Wrote: v1.1
The fragile mesh of thoughts
torn by a falling star.
A sundering of worlds came
the incompleteness
taunting.
In dark desires, glory was found
butchered, hung up by the window
for finer sensibilities.
Twisted wraiths
float in the vacuum;
We are starkillers.
Our truth will bind you
brand you
leave you hungry.
Never-ending sham
of complexity, riddles,
truths shared hesitantly.
A torn mask
marks this lie.
Draw a gaudy heart
across an empty chest.
Original:
Pride ate through the fragile mesh
of thoughts till
a sundering of worlds came,
the incompleteness, taunting
In dark desires, glory was found
butchered, hung up by the window
for finer sensibilities
Twisted tufts of bloody fur
marked the victims
better men
Broken mirrors float
in the lonely space between
two halves;
"We are starkillers
Our truth will bind you
brand you
leave you hungry"
Grasping at holes
as life flows out
failing to keep it together
Never-ending sham of
Completion
of complexity, riddles
truths shared hesitantly
Draw a gaudy heart
across an empty chest
Interpretive read.
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