Second Edit: dying thoughts

[Richard]

Second Edit:

dying thought

when i lived home
a sunset was a red traffic light
holding back my friends and me
and our nights were cheap drinks
awful pickup lines
the kind of love that feels endless
until it ends

once i went west
a sunset became divine permission
for drinks with the boys
loud music
eventual sleep
then i would report to work
happy
that it paid enough
that i could still go home
to visit

i want to believe
all sunsets offer warmth
yet my last sunset
fiery and cardinal red
was colder than a kiss from loneliness

two days passed before anyone found me
two sunsets
i never saw
but felt
as they cooled my skin and froze my blood



First Edit:

dying thought

back home
a sunset was a red traffic light
holding back my friends and me
and the night felt like it was ours:
cheap drinks
awful pickup lines
the kind of love that seems endless
until it ends

years later
a sunset was like divine permission
to rest:
drinks with the boys
loud music
eventually sleep
then i would report to work
happy
that it paid enough
that i could still go home
to visit

i want to believe
all sunsets offer a warmth
worth embracing
i want to believe
i won't die alone
far from home

but the truth is enough to kill a man


Original:

dying thoughts

i want to believe
the sunset is always the same collection of colours
and cliches
everywhere

but i know this belief is a lie

back home
when i was younger
sunsets were like red traffic lights
holding back long lines
of drunken people
who even after the light changed
were content to wait outside a bar
as part of their search
for cheap love and drinks

years later
far from home
sunsets were like divine permission
to rest:
drinks with the boys
loud music
eventually sleep
then i would report to work
happy
that it paid enough
that i could still go home
to visit

the last sunset i saw
was fiery and cardinal red
promising a warmth
i'll never know

[vagabond]

dying thoughts

i want to believe
the sunset is always the same collection of colours
and cliches                     clichés
everywhere

but i know this belief is a lie         a belief can, strictly, not be a lie, rather an illusion               


back home               
when i was younger              ... yes, everything was better then and there... doesn´t require two lines (otherwise it makes me wonder too much if that would be true)
sunsets were like red traffic lights
holding back long lines
of drunken people
who even after the light changed       from daylight to sunset or from sunset to night? the metaphor is unclear to me.
were content to wait outside a bar
as part of their search
for cheap love and drinks           here it´s not clear enough to me if the subject desires or despises that search.

years later
far from home
sunsets were like divine permission
to rest:
drinks with the boys
loud music
eventually sleep
then i would report to work
happy                 with the  lines above and below this "happy" feels a questioning, resignated one. if you wanted to give it that much weight by posing it in a single line you succeeded well.
that it paid enough
that i could still go home
to visit

the last sunset i saw          you could make it clearer wether you meant the "latest sunset" or the "last sunset" (the latter in some fatalistic way)
was fiery and cardinal red
promising a warmth
i'll never know

I get the impression that from a detached point  of view the sunset grows more beautiful with each stanza, so why would the subject WANT it to remain the same ? the cliché-sunset from the first stanza doesn´t seem such a desireable thing to me.

[Richard]

Hey vagabond,
Thanks for the feedback. This is the type of poem where I have an idea. However, that idea seems to be getting muddled in some of my execution, so I greatly appreciated your suggestions about the clarity of some of the wording/images.

Thanks,
Richard

[Wjames]

dying thoughts

i want to believe
the sunset is always the same collection of colours
and cliches
everywhere

but i know this belief is a lie I think this line is implied by the first line, "I want to believe", as well as by the differences in the sunsets in the rest of the poem.

back home
when i was younger I agree with Vagabond, I think you could cut this line and not lose anything.
sunsets were like red traffic lights I think this comparison would be stronger as a metaphor rather than a simile. I would cut "like".
holding back long lines
of drunken people
who even after the light changed I find this line is a little awkwardly worded. I might move it to the end of the stanza.
were content to wait outside a bar
as part of their search
for cheap love and drinks

years later
far from home
sunsets were like divine permission I would cut the "like" here too, but that's just personal preference.
to rest:
drinks with the boys
loud music
eventually sleep
then i would report to work
happy
that it paid enough
that i could still go home
to visit

the last sunset i saw
was fiery and cardinal red
promising a warmth
i'll never know I don't like this last line - it's real abrupt and vague, and I feel like I've read "I'll never know" a lot of times, it borders on cliche.

Hey Richard, I enjoyed reading this, I think the middle two stanzas are pretty strong - I was disappointed in the ending, though. 

The poem is titled "dying thoughts" and the final stanza is the only section of the poem which deals with that idea. The final stanza doesn't really say anything about these dying thoughts other than that they had a vague feeling of hopelessness.

[nibbed]

Hi Richard. The title is rather sad
and I don't understand it too much.
But then maybe I do. I'm not sure.

dying thoughts

i want to believe                                                             I thought it might be cool to have this worked out as the last line
the sunset is always the same collection of colours         
and cliches
everywhere

but i know this belief is a lie

back home
when i was younger
sunsets were like red traffic lights
holding back long lines
of drunken people
who even after the light changed
were content to wait outside a bar
as part of their search
for cheap love and drinks                                                this stanza seems unnecessary, a closed up, stale thought

years later
far from home
sunsets were like divine permission
to rest:
drinks with the boys
loud music
eventually sleep
then i would report to work
happy
that it paid enough
that i could still go home
to visit

the last sunset i saw
was fiery and cardinal red                                                  cardinal red takes on a strong edge, suggesting outside influences
promising a warmth
i'll never know                                                                   this is where the first line might be nice, hopeful.


I almost like the first and last stanza together.
Best wishes to you, Richard.
I hope your evening is filled with light, joy, and happiness.

[Richard]

Hey Janine and Wjames,
Thanks for the feedback. It's funny because I was struggling with whether or not to make those lines similes or metaphors., so I appreciated the comments on that. And Janine, your suggestion about the first line has really got me thinking.

Thanks again,
Richard

[vagabond]

First Edit:

dying thought

back home
a sunset was a red traffic lights             should that be singular (a light)?                     

holding back my friends and me
and the night felt like it was ours:
cheap drinks
awful pickup lines
the kind of love that seems endless      somehow I´d write "a feeling of love" or something similar instead of "a kind of love", can´t even explain very well. maybe because a feeling is more prone to ending than a concept of love.
until it ends

years later
a sunset was like divine permission         
to rest:
drinks with the boys
loud music
eventually sleep
then i would report to work
happy
that it paid enough
that i could still go home
to visit

i want to believe
all sunsets offer a warmth           i kind of miss the fiery and cardinal red now.. why eliminate the longing and passion?
worth embracing
i want to believe
i won't die alone
far from home

but the truth is enough to kill a man      that line I´d leave out. not because it´s not important, but because it can be read clear enough in the lines above (in my opinion). and the reader could draw his/ her own conclusion, leaving the poem open to either hopeful or fatalistic view.

I think the revision is much clearer and stronger.

[Todd]

Hi Richard,

Let me give you some comments on your edit.

First Edit:

dying thought--I love the title and the direction it gives to the piece. There is a part of me that wonders if dying thougts is more appropriate given the length but I can accept either one.

back home--I see how your structuring this but as first lines go it's a bit underwhelming. Here's a thought what if you used back home and years later and (a title to be created later) as headings of the section instead of lines in their own right. I know it's a slight change but I think it might help. Your current L2 would make a fine opening line. One other thought was it because it was home or because you were inexperienced? What I'm getting at is should it be "back home" or "back then" I'm not sure but thought I'd check.
a sunset was a red traffic light--This is a great image.
holding back my friends and me
and the night felt like it was ours:-- a slight suggestion, what about "when the night felt like cheap drinks, awful pickup lines, and the kind...endless.
cheap drinks
awful pickup lines
the kind of love that seems endless
until it ends--I like the more experienced person looking back and reinterpreting what wasn't fully grasped the first time.

years later
a sunset was like divine permission--I'd stick with the metaphor structure you established earlier and cut the like.
to rest:--Not sure this line is necessary. You could just put a "for" in front of the next line.
drinks with the boys
loud music
eventually sleep
then i would report to work--any reason for the lower case i's.
happy
that it paid enough
that i could still go home--Here makes me think that back home is important.
to visit

i want to believe
all sunsets offer a warmth
worth embracing
i want to believe
i won't die alone
far from home--This section feels too abrupt, too condensed. I'm not sure you've earned an emotional impact to your final line. What this is missing is some of the specific details the earlier strophes had. I think this is where you should probably concentrate on.

but the truth is enough to kill a man --This can be a perfectly sound ending line if you build to it properly.

So, I enjoyed the read--especially S1. I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd

[Richard]

Hey vagabond and Todd,
Thanks for the feedback. You both gave me some useful ideas. I particularly like your idea Todd about the structuring and headings.

Thanks again,
Richard

[billy]

hi richard, enjoyed the dit a lot. some thoughts:

lots of times [not always] less is more, i think that could be true of your poem. the words that add little for me have a line through them, there are more you could lose. words like [seem] weaken an image in general. sometime [like] from the simile can be swapped or left out of a metaphor/simile.

the title gives me the key and opens the lock/the poem. some good images but could do with a couple more. some parts are weakish because emotions are spoke of and not shown. the latter section of the poem sounds well enough yet feels to run of the mill. somehow a mixture of the two ending might help cardinal red is strong to add to, not remove.

First Edit:

dying thought

back home
a sunset was a red traffic light
holding back my friends and me
and the night felt like it was ours: or something more solid [we owned the night] or something that drives home the experience
cheap drinks
awful pickup lines
the kind of love that seems endless that [was endless] has more of an image for me
until it ends

years later
a sunset was like divine permission
to rest:
drinks with the boys
loud music
eventually sleep
then i would report to work
happy
that it paid enough
that i could still go home
to visit

i want to believe
all sunsets offer a warmth
worth embracing
i want to believe
i won't die alone
far from home

but the truth is enough to kill a man


Original:

dying thoughts

i want to believe
the sunset is always the same collection of colours
and cliches
everywhere

but i know this belief is a lie

back home
when i was younger
sunsets were like red traffic lights
holding back long lines
of drunken people
who even after the light changed
were content to wait outside a bar
as part of their search
for cheap love and drinks

years later
far from home
sunsets were like divine permission
to rest:
drinks with the boys
loud music
eventually sleep
then i would report to work
happy
that it paid enough
that i could still go home
to visit

the last sunset i saw
was fiery and cardinal red
promising a warmth
i'll never know

[Richard]

Hey billy,
Thanks for the feedback. I always appreciate feedback that deals with strengthening wording. The ending for this poem is starting to haunt me a bit, so I need to give it some thought.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I revised this poem again. I am really curious to know if the new ending works or not.

Thanks in advance,
Richard