First Edit: My Friend Back Home

[Richard]

First Edit:

My Friend Back Home

My friend’s face
is dirty with worry.
He says the word
layoff
as if it’s inevitable, like death.

He says he won’t abandon
his home,
and all I can do is nod.

His dream
(a family, a livable wage,
a stable job, and a future
where his children
can have the same
without leaving home-
almost a cliche,
masquerading as common sense,
daring to call itself
his dream)
is trapped
beneath the ground,
slowly suffocating.

His hope
will become a widow,
cursing the mines,
and I,
at a safe distance,
am nothing
but a bystander.

Original:

My Friend Back Home

My friend’s face
is dirty with worry
while he says the word
layoff
as if it’s inevitable like death.

He says he won’t leave
his home,
and all I can do is nod.

His dreams
are trapped
beneath the ground
slowly suffocating,
his hope
will become
a widow,
and I,
at a safe distance,
am nothing
but a bystander.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Richard, I like this. Some thoughts below..

My Friend Back Home

My friend’s face
is dirty with worry great start.  - I might consider a semi-colon after 'worry' and strike 'while' - just me
while he says the word
layoff
as if it’s inevitable like death. I think you need a comma after 'inevitable' - if not a line break

He says he won’t leave
his home,
and all I can do is nod.

His dreams from here it gets abstract. What are the dreams? 
are trapped
beneath the ground
slowly suffocating,
his hope
will become
a widow,
and I,
at a safe distance,
am nothing
but a bystander.

I think the ending is sound but is weakened by the generic and abstract "dreams". A litlle nugget of what makes your friend tick would complete this further. 

Thanks for the read Richard, I enjoyed it,
Paul

[Richard]

Hey Paul,
Thanks for the feedback. It's funny, when I was looking this over before putting in online, the "while" in third line wasn't sitting right with me, but I thought I was over thinking it. It's nice to have some confirmation of that thought. I like your comment about the dream in the last stanza. I think this is one of those times when I know what I mean, and I'm unfairly assuming everyone can read my mind, so that word is something I plan on revising in a future version.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Keith]

My Friend Back Home

My friend’s face
is dirty with worryi like the opening but not sure you need to repeat my friend again, still you have my attention.
while he says the word
layoff layoff means leave me alone to me, laid off or layoffs ?
as if it’s inevitable like death. death is a bit bland, this line could work harder.

He says he won’t leave
his home,
and all I can do is nod. I enjoyed this segment itit lets the reader feel that sense of ' I'm sorry I don't know what to say'

His dreams
are trapped
beneath the ground
slowly suffocating,i was enjoying the poem for its grounded truth up to this shift into whimsy. These four lines change the tone too much for me and as a reader they give an image that is hard to realise, mostly because of dreams.
his hope
will become
a widow,
and I,
at a safe distance,
am nothing
but a bystander.i like this end but it doesn't relate to the window you need something more concrete than hopes and dreams.

Overall I enjoyed the poem, that awkwardness between friends when you just don't know what to say. I think it's worth investing time to sharpen up the images by changing the words that don't really give much to the reader like hopes and dreams. Best Keith

[Richard]

Hey Keith,
Thanks for the feedback and kind words. The meaning for "layoff" here deals with losing one's job, but I find your interpretation interesting. I always enjoy when a reader comes up with an alternate meaning than my own for something I wrote. As for the dreams, I intend on doing some revising for that. Revising Dreams... sounds to me like a good title for a poem...

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I decided to experiment a bit with this revision, so please let me know if you think it made this piece better or worse.

Thanks,
Richard