Joe

[Wonderfullife]

A student of mine, named Joe, asked me recently, “Why do we forget the simple joy of being alive”?  This courageous lady had survived a major accident and was happy just to be alive. It got me thinking.
 
                Joe
First, travel far all day. Winter. Cold..
Then turn the corner. Find the bay. all ok.
It’s mostly mortar, bricks and water. Old.
Now night brings shadows, mist and fog; white bay.
 
Hotel is fine. eat bread; Soft bed. feel good
Protected cave. A starry night; asleep.
Full Moon; a storm blows, river flows: loud wood.
A ray of light. So, drink in day; Awake.
 
A rolling stone. Content. Yet, short is life,
And time goes. Flash in pan, is all I am.
A humbling thought. So, pause; feel joy; alive.
So precious. Lose so easy. Distractions. Spam.
 
An honour. Able to see, all nature’s forms.
Then travel far. Lose the bay. Humble. Warm..

[Leanne]

I find this poem intensely difficult to read because of the fragmentation -- it could so easily have been iambic pentameter but it's chopped up so the aesthetic of meter is lost and the rhymes (which disappear inexplicably in the second stanza, then reappear rather badly in the third) don't work to their full potential. Also, the proportion of cliches to original phrasing is not in your favour: starry night, river flows, rolling stone, short is life (a Yoda cliche), flash in pan... and what on earth is "loud wood"?

On the other hand, there are some quite nice lines. "It’s mostly mortar, bricks and water" for example, has a good rhythm and internal rhyme. This indicates to me that you can create a pleasing feel to your poetry, so this is not a lost cause. You can even keep most of your rhymes if you think about enjambing instead of stopping dead at the end of every line. It can be worked with if you're game and willing.

[Szczepan]

I like poems that randomly throw imagery at you with - if properly done - a challenge to tie them together.
So, your approach, in and of itself, is o.k. by me.

First, travel far all day. Winter. Cold..
Then turn the corner. Find the bay. all ok.
It’s mostly mortar, bricks and water. Old.
Now night brings shadows, mist and fog; white bay. <<< not sure of significance of "bay" here and elsewhere

Hotel is fine. eat bread; Soft bed. feel good <<< Hotel fine works better imho than Hotel is fine
Protected cave. A starry night; asleep. <<< like protected cave ... like protective cave a tad better.
Full Moon; a storm blows, river flows: loud wood.
A ray of light. So, drink in day; Awake.

A rolling stone. Content. Yet, short is life, <<< remove "is"?
And time goes. Flash in pan, is all I am. <<< maybe let the reader guess who is the flash in pan?
A humbling thought. So, pause; feel joy; alive.
So precious. Lose so easy. Distractions. Spam. <<<< great line!

An honour. Able to see, all nature’s forms.
Then travel far. Lose the bay. Humble. Warm..

[Branddix]

I can see where you're going with the fragmentation actually. However, written poetry may not be the best medium for this piece. If it was spoken, or lyrics in a musical piece, I think it would be recieved much better.

[nibbed]

Hi, Wonderfullife. Welcome here.
I like your name. Life IS wonderful.
I am so thankful for it!


Joe
First, travel far all day. Winter. Cold..                                     Winter, cold.
Then turn the corner. Find the bay. all ok.                               
It’s mostly mortar, bricks and water. Old.                     
Now night brings shadows, mist and fog; white bay.              I would eliminate that first word.
 
Hotel is fine. eat bread; Soft bed. feel good                             I would trade Hotel for Inn
Protected cave. A starry night; asleep.
Full Moon; a storm blows, river flows: loud wood.
A ray of light. So, drink in day; Awake.                                  Start it "Ray of light."
 
A rolling stone. Content. Yet, short is life,                             
And time goes. Flash in pan, is all I am.                                 Best line "Flash in the pan, is all I am" so true about life.
A humbling thought. So, pause; feel joy; alive.
So precious. Lose so easy. Distractions. Spam.                        
 
An honour. Able to see, all nature’s forms.                              You wrote the word honour archaically/poetically, I noticed.
Then travel far. Lose the bay. Humble. Warm..                         "Travel far."




The poem reminds me of a traveling troubadour, except the Spam could refer to computer jargon. It's good for as a baseline poem, but needs work. The narrator could also be a soldier. I would start by sharpening the punctuation and editing out a few unnecessary words.

I hope you have a blessed night.
janine

[billy]

with a bit of work it could be a good sonnet. the right number of lines , the meter would need working on as would the end rhymes you have. at present it read as though you stuck one or two words at the end of a line to make the rhyme. you also have far to many cliches a couple you can get away with if you can make them seamless. the poem needs some editing, a lot of editing but paradoxically it's almost there.

[color=blue]A student of mine, named Joe, asked me recently, “Why do we forget the simple joy of being alive”?  This courageous lady had survived a major accident and was happy just to be alive. It got me thinking. Joe
First, travel far all day. Winter. Cold..
Then turn the corner. Find the bay. all ok.
It’s mostly mortar, bricks and water. Old.
Now night brings shadows, mist and fog; white bay.

Hotel is fine. eat bread; Soft bed. feel good
Protected cave. A starry night; asleep.
Full Moon; a storm blows, river flows: loud wood.
A ray of light. So, drink in day; Awake.

A rolling stone. Content. Yet, short is life,
And time goes. Flash in pan, is all I am.
A humbling thought. So, pause; feel joy; alive.
So precious. Lose so easy. Distractions. Spam.

An honour. Able to see, all nature’s forms.
Then travel far. Lose the bay. Humble. Warm..

[Richard]

Hey Wonderfullife,
I think you have a good concept here. However, you need to work on some of your wording to better express your ideas. I'll explain more below:

A student of mine, named Joe, asked me recently, “Why do we forget the simple joy of being alive”?  This courageous lady had survived a major accident and was happy just to be alive. It got me thinking. -Just a thought, but if you removed this from the poem, do you think readers would understand your poem more or less?
 
                Joe
First, travel far all day. Winter. Cold.. -"Winter.Cold." is a bit repetitive.
Then turn the corner. Find the bay. all ok.
It’s mostly mortar, bricks and water. Old.
Now night brings shadows, mist and fog; white bay.
 
Hotel is fine. eat bread; Soft bed. feel good
Protected cave. A starry night; asleep.
Full Moon; a storm blows, river flows: loud wood.
A ray of light. So, drink in day; Awake.-Why did you break the rhyme scheme here? Some people would consider that cheating as a poet.
 
A rolling stone. Content. Yet, short is life,
And time goes. Flash in pan, is all I am. -I could be wrong, but "Flash in pan" is very close to being cliched.
A humbling thought. So, pause; feel joy; alive.
So precious. Lose so easy. Distractions. Spam. -I like this line, and I would suggest writing a whole poem focused on the message here.
 
An honour. Able to see, all nature’s forms.
Then travel far. Lose the bay. Humble. Warm.. -How does one lose a bay?

My biggest suggestions would be to try rewriting this without the rhymes and lessen the use of the sentence fragments. It's okay to have sentence fragments when you're trying to add emphasis to something, but it's a bit over done here. I look forward to seeing where you take this poem from here.

Keep writing,
Richard

[67eager]

After a couple of reads, I came to enjoy this poem somewhat. The way I see it, you seem to suggest that moving around through space is the best way to live a fulfilling life. 'Eat bread' seems to mean that food is not that important in the large scheme of things. The last lines I also found quite powerful, and may even incite me to get off this forum and go outside. One critique I and many others would make would be your punctuation and rhymes. By fragmenting this whole poem with semi colons and full stops, you don't allow for any flow. As for the rhymes, I feel as though some are not necessary:



A student of mine, named Joe, asked me recently, “Why do we forget the simple joy of being alive”?  This courageous lady had survived a major accident and was happy just to be alive. It got me thinking.
 
                Joe
First, travel far all day. Winter. Cold.. - Perhaps 'even in winter cold' would make more sense?
Then turn the corner. Find the bay. all ok.  -'All ok' seems a bit forced to me. Find the bay on its own rhymes with 'travel all day' so I wouldn't bother with 'all ok'
It’s mostly mortar, bricks and water. Old. -In this instance, you make good use of internal rhymes 
Now night brings shadows, mist and fog; white bay. -'A white bay' seems a little bit odd, when considerinthat you talking about a dark night,
 
Hotel is fine. eat bread; Soft bed. feel good - 'Feels good' seems more correct to me
Protected cave. A starry night; asleep. A comma would work better here I think
Full Moon; a storm blows, river flows: loud wood. -'Loud wood' doesn't really fit in this otherwise well done line.
A ray of light. So, drink in day; Awake. -I don't quite understand this line. What'/ wrong with drinking at night?
 
A rolling stone. Content. Yet, short is life,
And time goes. Flash in pan, is all I am.
A humbling thought. So, pause; feel joy; alive. I think that 'be alive' would work better here.
So precious. Lose so easy. Distractions. Spam.  'Lost easily'
 
An honour. Able to see, all nature’s forms. Scrap of the comma here
Then travel far. Lose the bay. Humble. Warm..  this line is very effective