Cords - Edit 2

[dukealien]

Cords

Women spun their distaff tufts
to spindle-whorls cast down
whipped ‘round with song from tuft to thread
and thread to string to cord:
a woman’s life one skein
from when she learned to spin until
the shroud her daughters wove her.

Men spun plaited slings of cord
stones tucked in simple pockets
from which each whipping cast
released a singing bullet shot
for rabbit, wolf or foeman
dead or downed by stinging stone
each shot a lifeline severed.

Edit 1;

Women spun their distaff tufts
to spindle-whorls cast down
whipped ‘round with song from tuft to thread
and thread to string to cord:
a woman’s life one skein
from when she learned to spin until
the shroud her daughters wove her.

Men spun plaited slings of cord
stones trapped in bulging pockets
from which each whipping cast
released a singing bullet shot
for rabbit, wolf or foeman
dead or downed by stinging stone
each whirling shot an ending.

original version;

Women spun their distaff tufts
to spindle-whorls cast down
whipped ‘round with song from tuft to thread
and thread to string to cord
a woman’s life one skein
from when she learned to spin until
the shroud her daughters wove her.

Men spun plaited slings of cord
stones trapped in bulging pockets
from which each whipping cast
released a whistling bullet shot
for wolf or food or foeman
dead or downed by stinging sling
each whirling shot an ending.

Thinking of the Balearic Islands in ancient times here
though the rabbits are not specifically mentioned (oops, they are in Edit2)

First post-NAPM poem!

[Richard]

Hey dukealien,
I like your language use in this poem. I have a few minor suggestions though. I'll explain more below:

Cords

Women spun their distaff tufts
to spindle-whorls cast down
whipped ‘round with song from tuft to thread
and thread to string to cord -I feel like you could use a period here. I know what you are going for in this stanza, but I think it would be easier to read if you broke it up with some punctuation.
a woman’s life one skein
from when she learned to spin until
the shroud her daughters wove her. -I like these last three lines. If you added the period I mentioned above, it would strengthen the metaphor of the woman's life being like a skein.

Men spun plaited slings of cord
stones trapped in bulging pockets
from which each whipping cast
released a whistling bullet shot -I like the first three lines in this stanza. They create a strong image in my mind. However, I feel like you need a stronger metaphor in the fourth line. May be something connecting this stanza back to the first one?
for wolf or food or foeman -Why would they hurl a stone at their food?
dead or downed by stinging sling -I would use a different word that "sling" because you used in the first line of this stanza.
each whirling shot an ending. -Is this rhyme intentional? If you changed the word "sling" like I mentioned above, this question would no longer apply.

Thinking of the Balearic Islands in ancient times here
though the rabbits are not specifically mentioned

First post-NAPM poem!

I feel like a lot of my critique is addressing minor issues because this poem is a solid piece that just needs some tweaking. I look forward to seeing where you take this poem from here.

Cheers,
Richard

[dukealien]

Edit 1;

Cords

Women spun their distaff tufts
to spindle-whorls cast down
whipped ‘round with song from tuft to thread
and thread to string to cord:
a woman’s life one skein
from when she learned to spin until
the shroud her daughters wove her.

Men spun plaited slings of cord
stones trapped in bulging pockets
from which each whipping cast
released a singing bullet shot
for rabbit, wolf or foeman
dead or downed by stinging stone
each whirling shot an ending.

---

@Richard - Thanks for your valuable critique.  I've addressed each of your criticisms in this edit, though not exactly as suggested in some cases (for example, colon instead of period:  the last three lines of S1 are meant to be dependent, but you're right, they should be separated).

Got the rabbits in, keyed by your confusion about why a slinger would shoot for food (the Balearics are lousy with them).

An irrelevant detail:  though feared throughout the ancient world as mercenaries - they could shoot further than a bowman, and as accurately - the men of the islands were known to be very peaceable with each other.  A cynic (or realist?) would deduce that it was well to be mild and respectful when any smoldering insult could result in a deadly shot from behind hedge or boulder.

[nibbed]

Hi, dukealien.
I like this poem and the feeling I get when I read it. I read of the gentleness
of women and the protective nature of men, traditional examples of strength.

Cords

Women spun their distaff tufts                                                    
to spindle-whorls cast down
whipped ‘round with song from tuft to thread                                     really like this whimsical lyric
and thread to string to cord:
a woman’s life one skein
from when she learned to spin until
the shroud her daughters wove her.

Men spun plaited slings of cord                                                              
stones trapped in bulging pockets                                                        wondering why you chose "trapped", but may need to think more about it...
from which each whipping cast
released a singing bullet shot                                                                singing bullet gives an impression of speed and strength
for rabbit, wolf or foeman
dead or downed by stinging stone
each whirling shot an ending.                                                               I know "ending" is surely blunt, but wondering if just "ending" is descriptive enough.


I like the wording, in that it seems very old fashioned, as if the narrator is standing
in the past, but speaks about something that fits for today, too.
I hope you are finding joy and happiness today.
Janine

[dukealien]

Hi, dukealien.
I like this poem and the feeling I get when I read it. I read of the gentleness
of women and the protective nature of men, traditional examples of strength.

Cords

Women spun their distaff tufts                                                    
to spindle-whorls cast down
whipped ‘round with song from tuft to thread                                     really like this whimsical lyric
and thread to string to cord:
a woman’s life one skein
from when she learned to spin until
the shroud her daughters wove her.

Men spun plaited slings of cord                                                              
stones trapped in bulging pockets                                                        wondering why you chose "trapped", but may need to think more about it...
from which each whipping cast
released a singing bullet shot                                                                singing bullet gives an impression of speed and strength
for rabbit, wolf or foeman
dead or downed by stinging stone
each whirling shot an ending.                                                               I know "ending" is surely blunt, but wondering if just "ending" is descriptive enough.


I like the wording, in that it seems very old fashioned, as if the narrator is standing
in the past, but speaks about something that fits for today, too.
I hope you are finding joy and happiness today.
Janine

Thanks for the good critique.  You've pointed out two areas which can be improved (though I can't quite think of suitable edits yet, especially for the way a stone adheres to the pocket).

You may be reading more about the people involved than I thought I wrote... which is fine though, as always, surprising.  Edits maybe.

[dukealien]

Cords

edit2;

Women spun their distaff tufts
to spindle-whorls cast down
whipped ‘round with song from tuft to thread
and thread to string to cord:
a woman’s life one skein
from when she learned to spin until
the shroud her daughters wove her.

Men spun plaited slings of cord
stones tucked in simple pockets
from which each whipping cast
released a singing bullet shot
for rabbit, wolf or foeman
dead or downed by stinging stone
each shot a lifeline severed.

---

On second (and third) thought, it wasn't that hard (and only a small bump) to address @nibbed's criticisms.   The last line tries to retain the finality while adding a bit of drama, what?  Thanks again!

[vagabond]

Cords

Women spun their distaff tufts
to spindle-whorls cast down
whipped ‘round with song from tuft to thread     a beautiful metaphor for life unfolding     

and thread to string to cord:                   and here, i´m thinking about umbilical cort as well
a woman’s life one skein
from when she learned to spin until
the shroud her daughters wove her.

Men spun plaited slings of cord
stones tucked in simple pockets   there´much in this short line, the possibilities stored, the danger (subjective)  

from which each whipping cast
released a singing bullet shot    it´s nice how singing reappears
for rabbit, wolf or foeman     and i like how you paint competition (well all this in my view as reader)
dead or downed by stinging stone
each shot a lifeline severed.    that´s abrupt for a conclusion, almost weighs down the quite universal content of the other lines in my opinion

Edit 1;

Women spun their distaff tufts
to spindle-whorls cast down
whipped ‘round with song from tuft to thread
and thread to string to cord:
a woman’s life one skein
from when she learned to spin until
the shroud her daughters wove her.

Men spun plaited slings of cord
stones trapped in bulging pockets
from which each whipping cast
released a singing bullet shot
for rabbit, wolf or foeman
dead or downed by stinging stone
each whirling shot an ending.

original version;

Women spun their distaff tufts
to spindle-whorls cast down
whipped ‘round with song from tuft to thread
and thread to string to cord
a woman’s life one skein
from when she learned to spin until
the shroud her daughters wove her.

Men spun plaited slings of cord
stones trapped in bulging pockets
from which each whipping cast
released a whistling bullet shot
for wolf or food or foeman
dead or downed by stinging sling
each whirling shot an ending.

Thinking of the Balearic Islands in ancient times here
though the rabbits are not specifically mentioned

First post-NAPM poem!

i like how  the metaphors spin on and on

[dukealien]

Cords
...
dead or downed by stinging stone
each shot a lifeline severed.    that´s abrupt for a conclusion, almost weighs down the quite universal content of the other lines in my opinion
...

i like how  the metaphors spin on and on

@vagabond - Thanks for the critique.  The pleased notes are appreciated (helps to know edits are working), but on that last, at the risk of defensiveness or committing "mansplaining,"

The theme you have read differs from the project or program I was trying to write.  This does not mean you're wrong, not at all.  Just explaining (under the seal of the Spoiler) that where you're seeing a continuing cycle in both verses, in my mind there's a contrast between the ever-continued cycle of the women's work and the ever-ending cycle of the boys' toys/tools.  As James Branch Cabell was wont to write, "A thing done has an end."  Or, as the astonished boy in "The Valley of Gwangi" says of how American cowboy movie shootouts end, "And the man, he is dead!"

In other words, the first verse is the conventional three Fates (particularly Clotho and Lachesis) but the second implies that men have something to say to Atropos, or at least serve as her mortal shears or agents.

that's why I'm satisfied with a certain abruptness at the end.

Thanks for reading!

[CRNDLSM]

I think this is really cool, honestly I've tried reading it several times,  I get all the way through, I don't remember what I read, but I want to read it again, and then say oh yeah whoa, everytime. The words are hypnotic. I'll hi-lite my favorite parts

Cords


Women spun their distaff tufts 
to spindle-whorls cast down
whipped ‘round with song from tuft to thread
and thread to string to cord:
a woman’s life one skein
from when she learned to spin until
the shroud her daughters wove her. Until the shroud what? Wove her? I do love the internal rhyme on this line

Men spun plaited slings of cord
stones tucked in simple pockets These two lines just twist Sonics in a crazy way
from which each whipping cast
released a singing bullet shot
for rabbit, wolf or foeman
dead or downed by stinging stone
each shot a lifeline severed. Because how severed rhymes with wove her

And just like that I don't really know what I just read again, the words are awesome, I shall read it again!

[vagabond]

Cords
...
dead or downed by stinging stone
each shot a lifeline severed.    that´s abrupt for a conclusion, almost weighs down the quite universal content of the other lines in my opinion
...

i like how  the metaphors spin on and on

@vagabond - Thanks for the critique.  The pleased notes are appreciated (helps to know edits are working), but on that last, at the risk of defensiveness or committing "mansplaining,"

The theme you have read differs from the project or program I was trying to write.  This does not mean you're wrong, not at all.  Just explaining (under the seal of the Spoiler) that where you're seeing a continuing cycle in both verses, in my mind there's a contrast between the ever-continued cycle of the women's work and the ever-ending cycle of the boys' toys/tools.  As James Branch Cabell was wont to write, "A thing done has an end."  Or, as the astonished boy in "The Valley of Gwangi" says of how American cowboy movie shootouts end, "And the man, he is dead!"

In other words, the first verse is the conventional three Fates (particularly Clotho and Lachesis) but the second implies that men have something to say to Atropos, or at least serve as her mortal shears or agents.

that's why I'm satisfied with a certain abruptness at the end.

Thanks for reading!

looked "mansplaining" up - you gave me a laugh for using it there!

thanks for the explanation, I actually saw the opposition of man and woman in some way, and kind of disagreed,
my (differing) interpretation made me think about the fact that women´s cycles are interrupted (almost) every month as well.
so, my opposition to the last line was out of place in a critique, i see now.