First name

[67eager]

FIRST NAME

Cursed is that name which radiates across the room!
Queer is it's power to pierce the most soulful grin.
Withdrawing desires intended for the tomb,
Kindling sorrows neglected with the help of gin.

Its delivery, at first, stirred no emotion,
It was merely the label on a dwelling soul.
In time, however, the title traded its role,
And came to be the object of devotion,

After it's audition came waves of desire
And a desperate longing for an amorous fate.
Unwilling at any moment to retire,
It became the relentless search for a soul mate.

Hyphenating the name failed to mirror the dream,
Projecting instead the cold fact, It would seem
That love, like life, is but a game governed by chance,
Leaving at times the lover alone in his dance.

In time the name invoked different feelings.
Far from being a bright hope for what was to come
It became a cold memoir of the past's dealings,
Leaving the once capable body and soul numb

[Mark Cecil]

Overall a well written piece with good rhymes and good content throughout.  Although I think you could improve the overall flow of the poem with a tighter meter 

FIRST NAME

Cursed is that name which radiates across the room! Great opening line with good strong iambs that give it a lot of rhythm which act as a good hook for the reader
Queer is it's power to pierce the most soulful grin. Another great line 
Withdrawing desires intended for the tomb, good imagery here
Kindling sorrows neglected with the help of gin.

Its delivery, at first, stirred no emotion,
It was merely the label on a dwelling soul.
In time, however, the title traded its role,
And came to be the object of devotion,

After it's audition came waves of desire
And a desperate longing for an amorous fate.
Unwilling at any moment to retire, I think of start of this line needs to be tightened a bit in regards to meter
It became the relentless search for a soul mate. I think you need to revise this line in regards to rhythm

Hyphenating the name failed to mirror the dream, I really like this stanza it is my favourite of the poem as it aptly describes the reality of love and marriage 
Projecting instead the cold fact, It would seem
That love, like life, is but a game governed by chance,
Leaving at times the lover alone in his dance. Great line

In time the name invoked different feelings.
Far from being a bright hope for what was to come
It became a cold memoir of the past's dealings,
Leaving the once capable body and soul numb In regards to the content of this last stanza its okay but I think it lacks a lot of rhythm compared to the rest of the poem

Overall I really enjoyed reading your work I think you have the bones and flesh of a good piece of work.

[just mercedes]

[quote="67eager" pid='228258' dateline='1494308248']
FIRST NAME


Hi 67eager! I've read your poem a few times now, and I'm still not sure I have a handle on it. 

Firstly, the title - I still don't know why it is 'first'. The body of the poem doesn't explain that.

Secondly, the rhyme scheme. For me, if you're going to use one, stick to it. You move from abab to abba, back to abab, then aabb, and end with abab. 

Thirdly - 'it's' shortens 'it is'. You use it often when you should use 'its' denoting possession.

Fourthly - I'm not a fan of inverting word order to achieve an end line rhyme.

Generally, you use some good imagery ' ... the lover alone in his dance' is one example. But some just doesn't work for me. '...withdrawing desires intended for the tomb,' I'm flummoxed.

Other phrases, such as 'It would seem' are not at all necessary to the poem and feel like they're there to prop up the rhyme scheme.

I hope this doesn't sound too negative. You have the start of a good poem, now you need to clarify what you want to say, and tidy up the points I've mentioned. 

I look forward to reading the edit!

[vagabond]

FIRST NAME

Cursed is that name which radiates across the room!
Queer is it's power to pierce the most soulful grin.
Withdrawing desires intended for the tomb,
Kindling sorrows neglected with the help of gin.



Its delivery, at first, stirred no emotion,                                    
It was merely the label on a dwelling soul.
In time, however, the title traded its role,
And came to be the object of devotion,
                       i think the meaning would not be destroyed if you keep to the rhyme scheme.. maybe like this
Its delivery, at first, stirred no emotion, 
In time, however, the title traded its role, 
And came to be the object of devotion,             
where before it named just a dwelling soul.


from audition on it prompted waves of desire          (just a suggestion)     
And a desperate longing for an amorous fate.
Unwilling at any moment to retire,
It became the relentless search for a soul mate. --------  i don´t know.. following the previous three lines i cannot help but grin at " relentless search for soul mate"

Hyphenating the name failed to mirror the dream,    
Projecting instead the cold fact, It would seem
That love, like life, is but a game governed by chance, 
Leaving at times the lover alone in his dance.      
same as second verse
Hyphenating the name failed to mirror the dream,
seems love, like life, is governed by chance                                    
Projecting instead the cold fact, It would seem
this time the lover is alone in his dance. 

       
In time the name invoked different feelings.                   which different feelings? somehow despite stating numbness i believe there´s more feeling hidden in between the lines of this verse than in the previous ones, but thats very subjective
Far from being a bright hope for what was to come
It became a cold memoir of the past's dealings,
Leaving the once capable body and soul numb

should i be able to guess the name from the poem´s contents? i ask myself as i still search for ... something.
and i think there´s contradictory statements ... first a reliance on some name, then a frustrated it´s all a game anyway, then game over in the end.

[Szczepan]

I get the impression that this is about a love spurned and a name best forgotten.
With that presumption ....

FIRST NAME

Cursed is that name which radiates across the room! <<< radiate has a positive connotation somehow / hmmm. maybe permeates?
Queer is it's power to pierce the most soulful grin.
Withdrawing desires intended for the tomb,
Kindling sorrows neglected with the help of gin.

Its delivery, at first, stirred no emotion,
It was merely the label on a dwelling soul.
In time, however, the title traded its role,
And came to be the object of devotion, <<<< switch something somewhere for rhyming pattern? Then again - this is maybe where my naïveté as a newbie comes in. I find breaking pattern schemes useful for adding a "change of direction" in the narrative. Just some misc thoughts to play around with ... maybe?

After it's audition came waves of desire <<< I read after the initial dating period , things got more intense... not sure if reading this as intended
And a desperate longing for an amorous fate.
Unwilling at any moment to retire,
It became the relentless search for a soul mate. <<< hmm. maybe I am?

Hyphenating the name failed to mirror the dream, <<< hyphenating doesn't quite work for me but the rest of the paragraph is more than o.k. by me!
Projecting instead the cold fact, It would seem
That love, like life, is but a game governed by chance,
Leaving at times the lover alone in his dance.

In time the name invoked different feelings.
Far from being a bright hope for what was to come
It became a cold memoir of the past's dealings,
Leaving the once capable body and soul numb

[Richard]

Hey 67eager,
The others who posted feedback all made some great points. I'll try not to repeat too much of what they said. I'll go into greater detail below:

FIRST NAME - I am thinking this might be more effective if you gave an actually name. Of course, that might be too personal, but you could always make one up.

Cursed is that name which radiates across the room!
Queer is it's power to pierce the most soulful grin. -"Queer" has multiple meanings, so it could create interpretations for this line you may not intend. 
Withdrawing desires intended for the tomb,
Kindling sorrows neglected with the help of gin. -I like the image here. However, I feel like you need a stronger word than "neglected". May be "quenched"? I know this might mess up your meter...

Its delivery, at first, stirred no emotion,
It was merely the label on a dwelling soul. -Why a "dwelling soul"? I think this a time when rhyming might be influencing your wording and meaning too much.
In time, however, the title traded its role,
And came to be the object of devotion,

After it's audition came waves of desire
And a desperate longing for an amorous fate.
Unwilling at any moment to retire,
It became the relentless search for a soul mate. -I might be wrong, but I feel like "soul mate" is bordering on cliche. That could just be the non-romantic in me speaking though.

Hyphenating the name failed to mirror the dream, -What dream? I feel like this needs to be explained more.
Projecting instead the cold fact, It would seem -Why is the fact cold? Again, I feel like this is bordering close to a cliche.
That love, like life, is but a game governed by chance,
Leaving at times the lover alone in his dance. -These two lines are nice. They flow nicely and create a wonderful image in my mind.

In time the name invoked different feelings.
Far from being a bright hope for what was to come -"bright hope" seems a bit redundant to me
It became a cold memoir of the past's dealings, -I like the metaphor with the name and a memoir. I like it so much that I wish you had expanded upon it.
Leaving the once capable body and soul numb

I feel like some of the images you use are effective. However, I think that the rhyming and meter dominant what you're trying to say too often. My biggest suggestion would be to rewrite this poem and either loosen up the meter, and/or remove the rhyming. I look forward to seeing where you go from here with this.

Keep writing,
Richard