Second Edit: Defeat/Disenfranchised

[Richard]

Second Edit:

Disenfranchised

I don't know when it happened,
but poetry has lost its right to vote,
and reality is just slowly catching up
like wages for women.

The ballot was a blank page,
the lines erupting a possible revolution.
Now, the white
is white,
nothing else,
the whole process an abuse of an authority
that no longer exists.

There's no options left for us
except for a poet to throw herself
under the king's horse.
Then culpability
can be taken by someone else,
while you change the channel,
like the post,
click on the video
and laugh.

You,
who think you are as blameless
as you are anonymous.

First Edit:

Defeat

Poetry has lost its right to vote,
perhaps it never could,
and reality is just catching up
like wages for women.

The ballot was a blank page.
The lines erupting a possible revolution.
Or the white
was white,
nothing else,
meaning the poet should throw herself
under the king's horse now.
Then culpability
can be taken by someone else,
while you change the channel,
like the post,
click on the video
and laugh.

You,
who think you are as blameless
as you are anonymous.

Original:

Defeat

poetry has lost its right to vote
or perhaps it never could
and reality is just catching up
like wages for women

the ballot was a blank page
the lines erupting a possible revolution
or the white
was white
nothing else
the whole process an abuse of an authority
that never existed
meaning the poet should throw herself
under the king's horse now
so culpability
can be passed like a napkin
someone politely asks
to be put in the trash
while you change the channel
like the post
click on the video
and laugh

you
who think you are as blameless
as you are anonymous

[nibbed]

Hi Richard. I am sorry every time I try to critique
it goes a bit haywire. It is probably something
I am doing.


Defeat

poetry has lost its right to vote                                                       
or perhaps it never could
and reality is just catching up
like wages for women

the ballot was a blank page
the lines erupting a possible revolution
or the white
was white
nothing else
the whole process an abuse of an authority
that never existed                                                                            
meaning the poet should throw herself
under the king's horse now
so culpability
can be passed like a napkin
someone politely asks
to be put in the trash
while you change the channel
like the post
click on the video
and laugh

you
who think you are as blameless
as you are anonymous



It seems as though
you write to benefit
someone very very worn
a poem that brought tears

I can't for the life of me
find a thing wrong with it,
maybe remove the or
in L2.

Best wishes, the very best

janine

[Richard]

Hey Janine,
Thanks for the feedback and kind words.

Always appreciated,
Richard

[ellajam]

Hi, Richard, ouch, a biting piece. I continue to flounder a bit in second strophe, I know it's all there but for me punctuation would be a big help. Some notes:

Defeat

poetry has lost its right to vote
or perhaps it never could Strong opening, past doubt to condemnation.
and reality is just catching up
like wages for women Very, very slowly I guess.

the ballot was a blank page
the lines erupting a possible revolution I keep wanting a word between "erupting" and "a".
or the white
was white
nothing else I like the emptyness of these three lines.
the whole process an abuse of an authority
that never existed hmm, an interesting conundrum.
meaning the poet should throw herself
under the king's horse now
so culpability
can be passed like a napkin
someone politely asks
to be put in the trash The force of her throwing herself seems at odds with the effortlessness of passing a napkin.
while you change the channel
like the post
click on the video
and laugh

you
who think you are as blameless
as you are anonymous Strong, cutting, beautiful close.

So, strong piece but I wish you'd help me a little more. Good luck with it.

[Richard]

Hey ellajam,
Thanks for the feedback. I originally had the second strophe broken into three parts, so I can't help but wonder if that would help with improving its clarity. I'm such an anti-punctuation poet. I feel like I should create a cool name for that.  

Thanks again,
Richard

[Lizzie]

Hi Richard. I have some thoughts for you below.

First Edit:

Defeat -- the title is a little blah. Doesn't tell me much that the poem doesn't. It doesn't make me think, Oh, I need to read that.

Poetry has lost its right to vote, -- in what election?
perhaps it never could, -- why not? What's so special or unspecial about poetry that it's left out?
and reality is just catching up
like wages for women. -- as in, it's not? No, I get what you mean.

The ballot was a blank page. -- should this be in the present tense, since you're saying that poetry, as it is now, has lost the vote? Seems like a tense change from the previous stanza.
The lines erupting a possible revolution. -- not a complete sentence. It would be if you put a comma at the end of the previous line.
Or the white
was white,
nothing else,
meaning the poet should throw herself
under the king's horse now. -- women's activism reference
Then culpability
can be taken by someone else,
while you change the channel, -- I'm confused about who the "you" is. Here it seems as if you're talking to all the people who aren't reading poetry, but the next stanza makes it seem like you're addressing poets, with a jab at their obscurity.
like the post,
click on the video
and laugh.

You,
who think you are as blameless
as you are anonymous. -- if this is about poets being anonymous, it's a strong last line.

Overall, I like it. Or, I think I do, since there's some clarity issues to be resolved. I like the meaning I've made of it, that's more accurate.

Hope this helps,

Lizzie

[Richard]

Hey Lizzie,
Thanks for the feedback. It gave me a lot to think about with this poem.

Thanks again,
Richard