Snow-balling

[Lawrence]

Sorry folks! I've been busy for the past week, but thanksgiving is here and I'm all done! Best wishes to you and your family. Here is a new poem, so fire away!


I put a bit of blizzard
In my mittens, patting and
Packing the sticky snowflakes
Into an arctic orb, which I put down.

Now, as if I were guiding a bowling ball
I roll my crystal globe between the cedars, and
Steer it into a clearing. All the way, it’s size increasing
From something you’d take a swing at, to something I would shoot
Or bounce-pass to you; your arms out-stretched at the half-court line.

I roll it and grow it, until
The boulder refuses to budge,
So I ball another one, but smaller
And soon, a third, while on the horizon
Clouds drift and yawn in the orange dusk.

I stack the three perfectly
The base, the body, the head
Eyes stolen from my sister’s vest
A nose I should have fed my horse with.
And thin limbs I ripped from a tiny tree for him

When I think back to a decade ago
And picture that child piling his snow
Molding a man, impervious to melting
Solemn and still as the February moon-
He wears like a silver crown upon his skull.

[Todd]

Lawrence,

There are a lot of lines I really like here. Before I start on the poem I want to make one general comment: The last strophe is the strongest in the poem honestly it might be worth just making it the poem with one small change:

I picture that child piling his snow
Molding a man, impervious to melting
Solemn and still as the February moon-
He wears like a silver crown upon his skull.

I mean god that is good. I love that we're at the end of Winter and he is solemn and still as the February moon and then you kick it up a notch comparing the same moon to a silver crown. That is damn fine writing. To me this is your poem everything else while good is still lead up to this. It's in a different class. That said let me go over the rest of it with you because there are good lines throughout and this would be a drastic cut.

I'd like a better title. Maybe something basic: On Building a Snow Man

To the lines:

I put a bit of blizzard
In my mittens, patting and
Packing the sticky snowflakes
Into an arctic orb, which I put down.--the blizzard in my mittens isn't bad but it still feels like too slow of a start to draw someone in. If you fix the title and let it do the exposition for you, you can begin the narrative more where the action is.

Now, as if I were guiding a bowling ball--using a title like I suggested you could cut Now and begin with as. This is a good image
I roll my crystal globe between the cedars, and--This is a little too predictable if we know it's snow already you don't need crystal globe. You could simply put "I roll between the cedars," You don't need the and. If you do decide to keep it move it down a line as it's not goo.d to break on a word like that.
Steer it into a clearing. All the way, it’s size increasing--you could cut it, and you could also cut All the way
From something you’d take a swing at, to something I would shoot--great line the only possible issue though is you introduce the bowling ball earlier and now we size it down to a baseball or golfball. I don't think it detracts much but be aware of it.
Or bounce-pass to you; your arms out-stretched at the half-court line.--again a good use of showing size increasing.

I roll it and grow it, until
The boulder refuses to budge,--good
So I ball another one, but smaller
And soon, a third, while on the horizon
Clouds drift and yawn in the orange dusk.--solid image I love the orange dusk.

I stack the three perfectly
The base, the body, the head--Maybe condense: I stack the base...
Eyes stolen from my sister’s vest
A nose I should have fed my horse with.
And thin limbs I ripped from a tiny tree for him--beautiful three lines. Awesome

When I think back to a decade ago--I'd cut this
And picture that child piling his snow
Molding a man, impervious to melting
Solemn and still as the February moon-
He wears like a silver crown upon his skull.--you know how I feel about this

I don't want to give you a line reading on what I'd do with it but if it were me and this were mine (and this is just an opinion Lawrence) I'd pull out all of my strongest lines and see if I could say it all with them.

For me your strongest lines are the last strophe, the three lines (eyes, nose, limbs), and the orange dusk.

This is a very cool write. I like it alot. I think if you left it in an edited version of what you've done now it would still be good.

I think you have a chance though to make it very special. Now, if at any point you think I'm full of it please ignore anything I've said: It's got to be your vision ultimately.

I hope some of this was helpful.

Best,

Todd

[addy]

Happy thanksgiving lawrence! It's not a holiday where I live but it's still an awesome day to celebrate.

As for the poem, I think it's outstanding. Love your subtle and expert use of structure, and some of the lines you have there are just gold. Not much I can say because it looks pretty solid to me. If forced, I would note that aside from the simple act of building a snowman this also had an undercurrent of a story of childhood, and the profound and powerful feeling we carried in our hands and hearts in those days. Appreciating it from that sense, I would say the fourth stanza is the weakest in expressing this, which draws attention because it is a send-off to that beautiful final stanza of reminiscing. But make no mistake, this is excellent, excellent stuff. Superb!