Cold

[Josiah]

I'm in the 10th grade, and I started writing poetry a few months ago. I'd never really written poetry before that. I wrote this one a few days ago after reading the book To Kill a Mockingbird.


Cold 

It was cold, 
And I thought: 
“A wrinkly, haunted man lives in that 
House. But not 
A feather that floated to rest on the fold. 
Then trampled, crushed and left it sat 
Alone, despised. A gust of wind 
Wears through its veins," but in that house— 
It was cold. 

Still I shiver. 
The iron fence 
Still groans in weathered rust and gives 
A lingered stench. 
The solemn, cold breezes of autumn all whisper: 
“A wrinkly haunted menace lives 
In that house. Raindrops pecker 
Down through my roof, but in that house— 
Still I shiver.

[Todd]

Hello Josiah, welcome to the site! As early poems go this has some good descriptive flourishes. I'll give you some specifics to consider as you revise.

I'm in the 10th grade, and I started writing poetry a few months ago. I'd never really written poetry before that. I wrote this one a few days ago after reading the book To Kill a Mockingbird.


Cold 

It was cold,--Your opening line should grab attention and draw the reader. This is very flat and static. It functions as a transitional setup for the quote below. Try starting with the quote and see if it doesn't improve things. 
And I thought: --again flat filler
“A wrinkly, haunted man lives in that--watch your line breaks on inconsequential words. Try breaking around theme or on more interesting words that give the lines a sense of layering. 
House. But not 
A feather that floated to rest on the fold. 
Then trampled, crushed and left it sat 
Alone, despised. A gust of wind 
Wears through its veins," but in that house— 
It was cold.--I like the progression from "A gust..." the wears through its veins is good phrasing. I'd rather you not tell me it was cold and let the title serve that purpose. Just a thought. 

Still I shiver. 
The iron fence 
Still groans in weathered rust and gives 
A lingered stench. 
The solemn, cold breezes of autumn all whisper:--a lot of modifiers here. I think cold is implied in the buildup and I'd probably cut it. This line has some potential--lovely even. 
“A wrinkly haunted menace lives 
In that house. Raindrops pecker--I've never heard pecker used in this way (British or American English), not sure it works.
Down through my roof, but in that house— 
Still I shiver.

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

[Josiah]

Hello Josiah, welcome to the site! As early poems go this has some good descriptive flourishes. I'll give you some specifics to consider as you revise.

I'm in the 10th grade, and I started writing poetry a few months ago. I'd never really written poetry before that. I wrote this one a few days ago after reading the book To Kill a Mockingbird.


Cold 

It was cold,--Your opening line should grab attention and draw the reader. This is very flat and static. It functions as a transitional setup for the quote below. Try starting with the quote and see if it doesn't improve things. 
And I thought: --again flat filler
“A wrinkly, haunted man lives in that--watch your line breaks on inconsequential words. Try breaking around theme or on more interesting words that give the lines a sense of layering. 
House. But not 
A feather that floated to rest on the fold. 
Then trampled, crushed and left it sat 
Alone, despised. A gust of wind 
Wears through its veins," but in that house— 
It was cold.--I like the progression from "A gust..." the wears through its veins is good phrasing. I'd rather you not tell me it was cold and let the title serve that purpose. Just a thought. 

Still I shiver. 
The iron fence 
Still groans in weathered rust and gives 
A lingered stench. 
The solemn, cold breezes of autumn all whisper:--a lot of modifiers here. I think cold is implied in the buildup and I'd probably cut it. This line has some potential--lovely even. 
“A wrinkly haunted menace lives 
In that house. Raindrops pecker--I've never heard pecker used in this way (British or American English), not sure it works.
Down through my roof, but in that house— 
Still I shiver.

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

Thanks, that's a lot of great pointers! So I'm wondering, do you think I should clearly state the title inside the poem or leave it vague?

[nibbed]

Hi Josiah

Welcome. It's nice you have taken up poetry.
I think you will become very good at it.
Here's my critique:


Cold                                                                                          Not understanding the choice of title, is it really about cold or something else?

It was cold,
And I thought:
“A wrinkly, haunted man lives in that
House. But not
A feather that floated to rest on the fold.                                  A fold of what?
Then trampled, crushed and left it sat                                       by the haunted man?
Alone, despised. A gust of wind                                                 
Wears through its veins," but in that house—                           was the feather warm before it settled into that house?
It was cold.                                                                               

Still I shiver.                                                                             
The iron fence                                                                         best
Still groans in weathered rust and gives                                    three
A lingered stench.                                                                    lines
The solemn, cold breezes of autumn all whisper:
“A wrinkly haunted menace lives                                              does autumn own the house?
In that house. Raindrops pecker                                              pecker reminds me of the movements of a bird
Down through my roof, but in that house—                            autumn's roof?
Still I shiver.                                                                              where's the end of the whisper?



You certainly have captured the poetic feel of poetry.
I was a bit jumbled and confused by who said what
and why, though. I liked the description of the iron
fence, and could picture it in my mind. I could see
those three wonderful lines the start of a new poem for
you to write. I hope to read more of your poetry soon.
Have a very wonderful day!


janine

[Josiah]

Hi Josiah

Welcome. It's nice you have taken up poetry.
I think you will become very good at it.
Here's my critique:


Cold                                                                                          Not understanding the choice of title, is it really about cold or something else?

It was cold,
And I thought:
“A wrinkly, haunted man lives in that
House. But not
A feather that floated to rest on the fold.                                  A fold of what?
Then trampled, crushed and left it sat                                       by the haunted man?
Alone, despised. A gust of wind                                                 
Wears through its veins," but in that house—                           was the feather warm before it settled into that house?
It was cold.                                                                               

Still I shiver.                                                                             
The iron fence                                                                         best
Still groans in weathered rust and gives                                    three
A lingered stench.                                                                    lines
The solemn, cold breezes of autumn all whisper:
“A wrinkly haunted menace lives                                              does autumn own the house?
In that house. Raindrops pecker                                              pecker reminds me of the movements of a bird
Down through my roof, but in that house—                            autumn's roof?
Still I shiver.                                                                              where's the end of the whisper?



You certainly have captured the poetic feel of poetry.
I was a bit jumbled and confused by who said what
and why, though. I liked the description of the iron
fence, and could picture it in my mind. I could see
those three wonderful lines the start of a new poem for
you to write. I hope to read more of your poetry soon.
Have a very wonderful day!


janine

Thanks for the crit. I think I was really way too vague in this poem. So the poem is basically from the view of a man living in this house. He's pondering the way other people treat him. The word 'cold' literally means cold temperature, but it is symbolic for the cold way people treat the creepy man  in the old house. The feather symbolizes the man living in the house, who was just a feather, but then fell to a low point, who he was trampled. The part about the rusty fence, is the man contemplating that he doesn't like the place he's in. The autumn breezes symbolize the people who are treating him poorly because he's a creepy man in a creepy house. Autumn, to me, symbolizes something between hot and cold, between summer and winter. They look friendly and warm, but in reality they are cold. The quotation mark for the whisper should have ended at ...Lives in that house", but I forgot to put it.

[Todd]

Thanks, that's a lot of great pointers! So I'm wondering, do you think I should clearly state the title inside the poem or leave it vague?

I personally don't think you need to do that. I think you use enough words to convey cold/coldness. I also think we assume the metaphor for the emotional coldness. There are ways you could enhance it though optionally playing to the opposite and having the speaker try to warm themselves maybe in a few ways only to remain cold.

Though that is just a thought. I think the main answer to your question though is the that the work is interpreted through the title and you can probably trust it a little more to do some of the work.

Best,

Todd

[Szczepan]

I'm in the 10th grade, and I started writing poetry a few months ago. I'd never really written poetry before that. I wrote this one a few days ago after reading the book To Kill a Mockingbird.


Cold 

It was cold, 
And I thought: 
“A wrinkly, haunted man lives in that 
House. But not 
A feather that floated to rest on the fold. 
Then trampled, crushed and left it sat 
Alone, despised. A gust of wind 
Wears through its veins," but in that house— 
It was cold. 

Still I shiver. 
The iron fence 
Still groans in weathered rust and gives 
A lingered stench. 
The solemn, cold breezes of autumn all whisper: 
“A wrinkly haunted menace lives 
In that house. Raindrops pecker 
Down through my roof, but in that house— 
Still I shiver.

Wow. I really like the way that the poem connects the dots between the weather and you shivering because of the "haunted menace".
Don't know exactly how but if you could make that correlation work more to your advantage? "It was cold" pointed me in the direction
of the weather. If your 1st line could be ambiguous enough ... it could build up to the connection you are making.

More on how you tie things together well ...the "groaning fence" for me conjures up (weak pun intended) images of ghosts and ghouls somehow.
slight possible improvement ... fences don't tend to have stench ... but... they can surround them maybe. so perhaps
"Still groans in weathered rust and surrounds"

Misc ... what the raindrops were doing makes me think to much of a crude slang word ... possible to choose another verb?

Hope this is helpful!