gravity

[vagabond]

gravitational analogy (edit)


A subtle embrace reaches far
and, against chaos, forms suns and their planets.
But we keep on floating apart
as the space we´re demanding in time is expanding.

I wish, but nothing is bright and warm
and together in the same perfect order forever.
Energy escapes and stars seize to burn,
asteroids travel the darkness forlorn.

Distantly spinning around a black hole,
pending to flee or to fall to the core
till the gradual evacuation of mass
is weakening gravity´s force.

It´s all just a circle and nothing is gone,
this vibrating mantra is filling the silence.
Though trying hard to take it as comfort
all I know is I feel
your attraction
no more.



gravity (stupid original version)


what´s heavy was light
and the other way round
what is rock will to sand
and to stardust be turned.

through time and space
we are floating apart
but gravity´s embrace
acts endlessly far.

so we´re again pulled together
and meld to new suns
then one way or another
we finish to burn

only to burst
by the weight of our cores
circle turning forever
magical force

[Wjames]

 
what´s heavy was light
and the other way round
what is rock will to sand   I think "to" would be better as be.
and to stardust be turned. Turned and round doesn't work as a half-rhyme for me.
 
through time and space
we are floating apart Who is "we"?
but gravity´s embrace
acts endlessly far.
 
so we´re again pulled together
and meld to new suns
then one way or another Another would sound better as "other".
we finish to burn  This rhyme doesn't work for me either.
 
only to burst
by the weight of our cores
circle turning forever
magical force

It's very vague, I have no idea who the "we" are, and if they even want to be together or not. You're using lots of general language that doesn't allow me to paint a picture or smell a smell or hear a sound or in any way really experience what you're trying to get across. You also used strange syntax sometimes seemingly to force a rhyme, which makes it hard to read. Just my thoughts as I read your poem, all the best, WJ

[vagabond]

 
what´s heavy was light
and the other way round
what is rock will to sand   I think "to" would be better as be.
and to stardust be turned. Turned and round doesn't work as a half-rhyme for me.
 
through time and space
we are floating apart Who is "we"?
but gravity´s embrace
acts endlessly far.
 
so we´re again pulled together
and meld to new suns
then one way or another Another would sound better as "other".
we finish to burn  This rhyme doesn't work for me either.
 
only to burst
by the weight of our cores
circle turning forever
magical force

It's very vague, I have no idea who the "we" are, and if they even want to be together or not. You're using lots of general language that doesn't allow me to paint a picture or smell a smell or hear a sound or in any way really experience what you're trying to get across. You also used strange syntax sometimes seemingly to force a rhyme, which makes it hard to read. Just my thoughts as I read your poem, all the best, WJ

yes I admit it´s vague.

"we" can be seen as the idea of a couple. and the poem is about the similaritys of attraction between people and the law of gravity
as well as life circle of suns.
i know there´s not much message behind the metaphors.
still it´s useful for me to hear that as your opinion. thank you.

as to the "half-rhymes" i already discovered that the predominant opinion is "better no rhyme than a dragged half rhyme". i just can´t help thinking differently when i really can´t come up with a better rhyme.

writing verses is just a hobby for me, will never be a profession. and my strange syntax or use of words may be also because i m not a native speaker.
let´s see how long this forum stands my open incompetence. this is no complaint. was hard at first but i really need even negative feedback.

[billy]

while it's impressive, he/she needs a bit more than two lines about his nationality and a generic one liner, your post has been removed. / mod

It's impressive that you try to write poetry in your non-native language.
Do you also write poetry in your first language?
I like the marriage of science and emotion in your poem.

[azure]

 
what´s heavy was light Don't like 'was' maybe replace with is?
and the other way round
what is rock will to sand This line is horrid, and grammatically incorrect.
and to stardust be turned. In context of the previous lines, this doesn't make sense.
 
through time and space
we are floating apart We?
but gravity´s embrace
acts endlessly far. I don't like the rhyme here. It doesn't read smoothly.
 
so we´re again pulled together
and meld to new suns how about 'and meld into new suns'?
then one way or another
we finish to burn  eh, descent I suppose in it's drab expression
 
only to burst
by the weight of our cores
circle turning forever a bland use of rhyme.
magical force

This piece lacks descriptive continuity. The language was boring and dull. I suggest that you spend some time reading contemporary poetry. You could learn a lot, and use that knowledge to develop a unique command of language and expression. Don't give up.

Azure

[Filíocht]

It was a little bit clunky at parts, the grammar etc. the message itself was so lofty that I'd be required to have it read to me in a nursery-rhyme style. But seriously, this was well written & I loved the idea of it, it just didn't hit me as hard as it could have given the essential concept. Take note of the comments posted above, I needn't reiterate. All in all, good stuff, keep at it.

[vagabond]

thanks for all critics above.
i tried an edit. don´t like the last line myself, but I can´t think of a better one.



gravity


what´s heavy was light
and the other way round
massive rock will be ground
and to stardust be turned

in space and time
all is floating apart
but there´s a subtle embrace
that acts endlessly far

to draw atoms together
melding new suns
then one way or another
they finish to burn

only to burst
by the weight of their cores
circle turning forever
universe making love

[tectak]

thanks for all critics above.
i tried an edit. don´t like the last line myself, but I can´t think of a better one.



gravity


what´s heavy was light is-was...what is to reverse. Too clever and so not clever at all. Like that last statement...but it is your poem, not mine. You confuse yourself. I don't feel part of what you mean but frustratingly feel.I ought to be.
and the other way round See what I mean? What is light was heavy. Or is that 360 degrees? Sure beats the shit out'ta me
massive rock will be ground
and to stardust be turned Try punctuating completely. You might like it. I know I would. If you can,do. If you cannot, do not. No half way house. It looks incompetent.

in space and time Pseudo-poetry relies on this ridiculous enjambment. Pseudo-poets do not know
what enjambment
is.
Do you?
all is floating apart Yes...but "all" is a weak descriptor. Does it include my testicles, my chess set, my packet of roasted nuts? No. All is not all inclusive. I get your well understood point but as you are embracing physics you need to let me know what you know.
but there´s a subtle embrace[
that acts endlessly far I know. Thank god for it...or the next stanza would be off in to endless space.Stop bizarre enjambment.

to draw atoms together
melding new suns
then one way or another
they finish to burn  

only to burst
by the weight of their cores
circle turning forever
universe making love I am tempted to say ...so what? I don't need to. This is a hugely inconclusive conclusion. Enjoinder. Punctuate to clarity. As it is, this last stanza is precipitous. A rushed ending. The universe is not like this at all. Well, maybe a bit...up until the making love throw-away.

Hi vagabond,
you have problems, here.
Put the poetry first if the concept is too much. Good poetry trumps a good concept everytime. Punctuate, use metaphor, use imagery.
Best,
tectak

[vagabond]

[quote='vagabond' pid='179390' dateline='1416505866']
thanks for all critics above.
i tried an edit. don´t like the last line myself, but I can´t think of a better one.



gravity



what´s heavy was light is-was...what is to reverse. Too clever and so not clever at all. Like that last statement...but it is your poem, not mine. You confuse yourself. I don't feel part of what you mean but frustratingly feel.I ought to  be.
and the other way round See what I mean? What is light was heavy.  Or is that 360 degrees? Sure beats the shit out'ta me

- was just trying to describe the circle of matter in the universe,  massive stars that don´t live forever but are blown away in time so that out of those nebula new stars will be formed. but you are correct. it doesn´t make sense as the atoms in that circle have always the same weight. damn logic.




in space and time Pseudo-poetry relies on this ridiculous enjambment. Pseudo-poets do not know
what enjambment
is.
Do you?           looked it up now.




all is floating apart Yes...but "all" is a weak descriptor. Does it include my testicles, my chess set, my packet of roasted nuts? No. All is not all inclusive. I get your well understood point but as you are embracing physics you need to let me know what you know.     

- well it does include your testicles as the universe as a whole is expanding.



but there´s a subtle embrace[
that acts endlessly far I know. Thank god for it...or the next stanza would be off in to endless space.Stop bizarre enjambment.             

- now i´m confused.

thanks for your critic.
going to re-edit when i have more time and inspiration.

[Erthona]

Since you have already acknowledged the syntactical problems there is little need for me to comment on them, except to say they seem to arise out of trying to write statements whose complexity is beyond your ability at present.
English is such an idiomatic language it is difficult for non-English speakers to fully grasps. Such as the last sentence. If written none idiomatically would read: "English is an idiomatic language and it is difficult for non-English speakers to comprehend." The idiomatic nature of English is so pervasive in the English language, that native English speakers do not realise they are employing idioms constantly, and would find it difficult to not use idioms in their speech and writing. If they were to write or speak without using idioms it would seem to them that they were speaking or writing in a clumsy manner, and taking a long time to say something. This is due to the fact that idioms act as a form of shorthand in the English language. To speak English without idioms immediately shows the person to be non-native. Can one communicate in English without idioms? Certainly, but the human element will appear to be missing. It will render the language stiff and robot-like. The benefit of attempting to learn to write poetry in English is that it is probably the best approach to learn the idiomatic uses of the language. I encourage you to read English poetry and mimic what you read (Possibly the "Songs of Innocence and Experience", by William Blake Songs of Innocence and Experience). Although difficult and frustrating this approach to learning will succeed. You have difficulty with rhymes. Start reading children's nursery rhymes ( Mother Goose Rhymes). This will also give you ideas about basic meter. Attempt writing words that rhyme with a single word such as cat. This is the URL of a site that allows you to search for matching rhymes to a single word rhymezone. This site is good to use for checking if the words you think are rhymes are, or for showing you which words rhyme with other words.
I recommend staying away from difficult/complex topics such as science related ones (Although you are quite capable and knowledgeable about this, and proficient in writing about it in your native language, you are not yet at the level of competence in English that would allow you to transmit your thoughts to a reader of English. This has nothing to do with intelligence, it is simply a matter of knowledge not yet learned). Write about simple observation without profundities, even native English speakers must start here (or at least they should ). Later, you can build on this foundation. Your general English writing is already good, but as is generally the cases you fail to grasp things that come naturally to a native speaker.  
I wish you success in this endeavor,
Dale    

[vagabond]

thanx tektak and earthona for your help. I will try to learn from reading english poems.

that gravity poem doesn´t make sense astrophysically and probably never will.
Against your advice, dale,  I tried another edit. don´t be offended. if you give up commenting i ll understand but thats not what i want.

the last line is flat, i know. still it is supposed to be the message behind the poem.


 
gravity
 
Space is expanding in time,
so we are floating apart.
But there is a subtle embrace
that acts on us endlessly far.
 
Drawing atoms together,
life-giving new suns.
But as energy escapes they finish to burn
and will be ground to star dust again.
 
Even black holes are exploding
till the weight of their cores
is dispersed against gravity´s force.
attraction always seems to be lost.

[Erthona]

vagabond,

You should feel no need to accept anyone's criticism, or to justify your work except of course to yourself.

Best,

Dale

[lock1]

gravity (capitalize title)

Space is expanding in time,
so we are floating apart.
But there is a subtle embrace
that acts on us endlessly far. (It seems like you're using a lot of filler words here to keep the number of syllables in line, maybe try words that convey more meaning?)

Drawing atoms together,
life-giving new suns.
But as energy escapes they finish to burn
and will be ground to star dust again. (I like this one)

Even black holes are exploding
till the weight of their cores
is dispersed against gravity´s force.
attraction always seems to be lost. (lost the message here)

I kind of see what you were getting at with your edit, but the message was still unclear. I would work on the last section; if you can't imagine yourself reading your work to an audience and dropping the microphone at the end, your message was either unclear and/or doesn't pack enough punch.

[vagabond]

gravitational analogy


A subtle embrace reaches out far
and, against chaos, forms suns and their planets.
But we keep on floating apart
as the space we´re demanding in time is expanding.
 
I wish, but nothing is bright and warm
and together in the same perfect order forever.
Energy escapes and stars seize to burn,
asteroids travel the darkness forlorn.
 
Distantly spinning around a black hole,
pending to flee or to fall to the core
till the gradual evacuation of mass
is weakening gravity´s force.
 
It´s all just a circle and nothing is gone,
this vibrating mantra is filling the silence.
Though trying hard to take it as comfort
all I know is I feel
your attraction
no more.




________
it´s been some time, i am ashamed for remaining a quite inactive member of this forum.
still, i stumbled over my old poems and tried a second time now.

[FountainPen97]

Hello there Vagabond! What a beautiful poem you have here! I enjoy very much the symbolism you have used and wrote through astronomical images. Very telling and understandable, thank you for sharing!


A subtle embrace reaches out far                            Maybe get rid of out entirely? The position of out makes the sentence a little bit clunky, maybe. 
and, against chaos, forms suns and their planets. 
But we keep on floating apart
as the space we´re demanding in time is expanding. I like the repetition of the -ing endings, it adds weight to the statement in my mind
 
I wish, but nothing is bright and warm                      wish, wish for what? I am not too sure about what you wanted to say here. 
and together in the same perfect order forever.
Energy escapes and stars seize to burn,                            
asteroids travel the darkness forlorn.
 
Distantly spinning around a black hole,               Mmmm, this sense of impending end  you wrote into the stanza is very emotional, very well worded 
pending to flee or to fall to the core
till the gradual evacuation of mass
is weakening gravity´s force.
 
It´s all just a circle and nothing is gone,               It feels like you are describing the end of a relationship, and the feelings of continuity after moving 
this vibrating mantra is filling the silence.           on. That one fact of not feeling comfort due to loss even though you understand the presence of 
Though trying hard to take it as comfort            loss, and I feel like you have very accurately depicted the remaining thoughts in present in the "circle"
all I know is I feel                                               The sense of finality here is feels stark and absolute, like the vacuum of space, and neatly helps
your attraction                                                      other astronomy symbolism continue cleanly.   
no more.

[vagabond]

Hello there Vagabond! What a beautiful poem you have here! I enjoy very much the symbolism you have used and wrote through astronomical images. Very telling and understandable, thank you for sharing!


A subtle embrace reaches out far                            Maybe get rid of out entirely? The position of out makes the sentence a little bit clunky, maybe.  thank you, you´re right.


and, against chaos, forms suns and their planets. 
But we keep on floating apart
as the space we´re demanding in time is expanding. I like the repetition of the -ing endings, it adds weight to the statement in my mind
 
I wish (it were so), but nothing is bright and warm                      wish, wish for what? I am not too sure about what you wanted to say here. 
and together in the same perfect order forever.
Energy escapes and stars seize to burn,                            
asteroids travel the darkness forlorn.
 
Distantly spinning around a black hole,               Mmmm, this sense of impending end  you wrote into the stanza is very emotional, very well worded 
pending to flee or to fall to the core
till the gradual evacuation of mass
is weakening gravity´s force.
 
It´s all just a circle and nothing is gone,               It feels like you are describing the end of a relationship, and the feelings of continuity after moving 
this vibrating mantra is filling the silence.           on. That one fact of not feeling comfort due to loss even though you understand the presence of 
Though trying hard to take it as comfort            loss, and I feel like you have very accurately depicted the remaining thoughts in present in the "circle"
all I know is I feel                                               The sense of finality here is feels stark and absolute, like the vacuum of space, and neatly helps
your attraction                                                      other astronomy symbolism continue cleanly.   
no more.

thanx for the comment