Fiddler Crab (revised)

[nibbed]

Second Revision

Fiddler Crab

Cymbal waves
muffle the giggles
your maneuvers create,

funny, you boast
on sandy stage:

a giant muscley fist,
silly intimidator's claw.

Thankfully, crusty bisque armor
protects your center,
and a moment's treasure
with my heart.

Side steppin's more precious
with you,
tiny tiptoe dancer.






First Revision
(needs polishing)


Fiddler Crab

Cymbal waves muffle
the giggles you create,
as your sandy stage boasts
intimidation's fattest claw;

Bisque armor protects
the treasure of our hearts.

Side steppin's more precious
with you, tiptoe dancer.




Original

Fiddler Crab

Cymbal waves disguise
the giggles you create,
as sandy stages boast
intimidation's fattest claw;
Bisque armor covers
the tenderest heart.
Side steppin's more precious
with you, tiptoe dancer.

[Richard]

Hey nibbed,
I found your wording in this poem quite nice in some spots. I just think you might be trying to say too much in such a short poem. I'll explain more below:

Fiddler Crab

Cymbal waves disguise -I love "Cymbal waves" as a way to describe how the ocean sounds. This is wonderful language use.
the giggles you create, -Why are people laughing at the crab? I feel like you need to explain this line more.
as sandy stages boast -I like "sandy stages." However, how can sand boast?
intimidation's fattest claw; -I sort of understand what you mean here, but it could be clearer.
Bisque armor covers -Can bisque be an adjective?
the tenderest heart. -Why does the crab have a tender heart? I get the feeling that you may not be talking about the crab. However, if that is the case, you need to explain that more with additional lines.
Side steppin's more precious
with you, tiptoe dancer. -These two lines have a nice rhythm and sound to them. Why are the crab's side steps so precious though? I feel like you need to explore this idea more.

I think you need to ask yourself what you want the message of this poem to be. You have some nice language use here that just needs a more defined purpose behind it. Is this poem actually about a crab, or is the crab a symbol for someone or something? If it is about the crab, then what makes the crab so interesting that it deserves to have a poem written about it? If the crab represents someone or something else, then focus on developing that connection. I hope this critique isn't sounding too harsh. I just think your poem has real potential to it. You just need to tighten up your focus.  I look forward to seeing where you take this poem from here.

Keep writing,
Richard

[nibbed]

Hey nibbed,
I found your wording in this poem quite nice in some spots. I just think you might be trying to say too much in such a short poem. I'll explain more below:

Fiddler Crab

Cymbal waves disguise -I love "Cymbal waves" as a way to describe how the ocean sounds. This is wonderful language use.
the giggles you create, -Why are people laughing at the crab? I feel like you need to explain this line more.
as sandy stages boast -I like "sandy stages." However, how can sand boast?
intimidation's fattest claw; -I sort of understand what you mean here, but it could be clearer.
Bisque armor covers -Can bisque be an adjective?
the tenderest heart. -Why does the crab have a tender heart? I get the feeling that you may not be talking about the crab. However, if that is the case, you need to explain that more with additional lines.
Side steppin's more precious
with you, tiptoe dancer. -These two lines have a nice rhythm and sound to them. Why are the crab's side steps so precious though? I feel like you need to explore this idea more.

I think you need to ask yourself what you want the message of this poem to be. You have some nice language use here that just needs a more defined purpose behind it. Is this poem actually about a crab, or is the crab a symbol for someone or something? If it is about the crab, then what makes the crab so interesting that it deserves to have a poem written about it? If the crab represents someone or something else, then focus on developing that connection. I hope this critique isn't sounding too harsh. I just think your poem has real potential to it. You just need to tighten up your focus.  I look forward to seeing where you take this poem from here.

Keep writing,
Richard

Thanks, Richard! That is just the help I needed! I was watching a fiddler crab the other day dancing on the sand and he was so cute... I just giggled at his maneuvers. I thought he had a tender heart because he was trying to act so tough against a giant, me, and I wondered if his shell was much protection at all...Thanks for helping me, I knew it was a bit rough and jumbled and in need of work. The crab certainly deserves a poem to be written about him! I will try to edit tomorrow after a good night's rest! Thank you so much for reading and considering my poem!   janine

[tectak]

Fiddler Crab

Cymbal waves disguise Without defining the parameter you are intending, namely the "sound" of waves, it is a stretch to link what is a tentative description at best to the very shaky use of the word "disguise". I do not think you mean "disguise", which has a unique meaning, being to give the appearance of something it is not. So you mean , I think, something along the lines of "mask", or "muffle" or simply "hide" . I can suggest "hide" because giggling can be both seen and heard...simultaneously.
the giggles you create,
as sandy stages boast The "sandy stages" image, though keenly observed, is diluted by pluralising.. A single "sandy stage" is more visually plausible. Furthermore, the use of "as" is nearly always redundant because it implies simultaneity (which is patently obvious) and/or similarity(which you patently do not mean). Best to lose it by period after "create". Start next line with:
 "The sandy stage is yours; you boast
 intimidation's fattest claw".                         Your poem. 
intimidation's fattest claw;I accept the duality of the word boast, and would  like it's use here but for the picky pedant in me which niggled. Did you really mean that the sandy stage boasts intimidation's fattest claw or did you mean the crab? The solution above depends upon what you were trying to say. If I have it wrong then you have it easy.
Bisque armor covers This is nearly very good. No sarcasm intended. I think you could have made more of the poignancy and paradox of the poor crab, who what with his fat, flesh-filled claw, and his bisque producing shell...is destined more often than not for the pot
the tenderest heart. Hmmm...not sure about the tenderest (culinary overtones?) heart. Crab hearts are diminutive devices pumping watery fluid into  veinless innards essentially by infusion. I am not liking myself for thinking these thoughts but you started it.
Side steppin's more precious
with you, tiptoe dancer.This is a cute, and possibly telling, end couplet. Again, I question word use. It's that word "precious" and its moreness. More than what? And how is precious "with" ? If wrong...sorry...but:
Side-steppin's essential to you, tip-toe dancer.

I hope I stayed mild. There are some nice bits in this and it is always a shame if they are not given air. Please remember my suggestions are only suggestions. The poem is everything.
Best,
tectak

[nibbed]

Fiddler Crab

Cymbal waves disguise Without defining the parameter you are intending, namely the "sound" of waves, it is a stretch to link what is a tentative description at best to the very shaky use of the word "disguise". I do not think you mean "disguise", which has a unique meaning, being to give the appearance of something it is not. So you mean , I think, something along the lines of "mask", or "muffle" or simply "hide" . I can suggest "hide" because giggling can be both seen and heard...simultaneously.
the giggles you create,
as sandy stages boast The "sandy stages" image, though keenly observed, is diluted by pluralising.. A single "sandy stage" is more visually plausible. Furthermore, the use of "as" is nearly always redundant because it implies simultaneity (which is patently obvious) and/or similarity(which you patently do not mean). Best to lose it by period after "create". Start next line with:
 "The sandy stage is yours; you boast
 intimidation's fattest claw".                         Your poem. 
intimidation's fattest claw;I accept the duality of the word boast, and would  like it's use here but for the picky pedant in me which niggled. Did you really mean that the sandy stage boasts intimidation's fattest claw or did you mean the crab? The solution above depends upon what you were trying to say. If I have it wrong then you have it easy.
Bisque armor covers This is nearly very good. No sarcasm intended. I think you could have made more of the poignancy and paradox of the poor crab, who what with his fat, flesh-filled claw, and his bisque producing shell...is destined more often than not for the pot
the tenderest heart. Hmmm...not sure about the tenderest (culinary overtones?) heart. Crab hearts are diminutive devices pumping watery fluid into  veinless innards essentially by infusion. I am not liking myself for thinking these thoughts but you started it.
Side steppin's more precious
with you, tiptoe dancer.This is a cute, and possibly telling, end couplet. Again, I question word use. It's that word "precious" and its moreness. More than what? And how is precious "with" ? If wrong...sorry...but:
Side-steppin's essential to you, tip-toe dancer.

I hope I stayed mild. There are some nice bits in this and it is always a shame if they are not given air. Please remember my suggestions are only suggestions. The poem is everything.
Best,
tectak

Thank you so much tectak for your critique on my poem. I smiled throughout. Heart was more referring to the center of the crab, but for some reason I also thought it fitting to tuck poetic notion in there.  I agree with everything you are saying. Yes, admittedly, disguise was a lazy word as I was inspired late at night near sleepy time and couldn't quite find a more fitting word, so yes, that will need to be fixed, indeed! Hahaha I was primarily thinking of bisque porcelain and when I went to look up the word to be sure I spelled it correctly I saw the spelling of bisque is also that tasty soup and the crab made me snicker again! So many points you were right on about, thank you kindly for your help! Have a wonderful joy-filled day! janine