How to Count Sheep

[Lawrence]

How to count Sheep

Spare yourself from distractions
Tear the television’s electric IV
From its socket-
Coil and toss it
Into the shoe box
Sitting in your closet
While you’re at it,
Do away with that phone, too.
We wouldn’t want someone calling you,
Because that fifteen minute guitar solo
From “freebird” isn’t the most meditive music.

If you’ve eliminated every annoyance
Sink into your living room sofa .
Now, look at the back of your eyelids
You should see a pitch-black pasture
So dark, it appears as if
The moon and stars have been stolen
Leaving only a featureless face.

But don’t panic, the sun isn’t bashful here
Ask him, and he will come
Peeking above the barn
Like a floating bulb
Illuminating grass,
Tangled wire,
The farmhills dotted with cows
Lost in their grazing.

You can get the stars back, too.
Thousands, or a few
Of white pinholes poked through the sky
You might prefer this. It’s night,
So the cows are all locked away.
If they don’t particularly moove you.

You can see the fence, Yes?
(If not, skip this verse)
It’s probably day-
Soon, the hoofed balls of white wool
Will come pouring from the barn
And sail, one by one, over the pickets
Landing safely outside of your vision
To graze, as weariness pulls its dark curtain
Over your consciousness.

If it’s night, you’re reading this-
The sheep might not be confident
Hopping a fence they can’t see
So they will likely turn toward the moon
And lift their brittle legs, leaping
Over the glowing opal set in the sky-
Growing smaller and smaller
As they drift into the dark-
Follow them out-
Until the pasture comes apart.

[Todd]

Hi Lawrence,

I loved this one. Great title! Here are some comments:

How to count Sheep

Spare yourself from distractions
Tear the television’s electric IV
From its socket-
Coil and toss it
Into the shoe box
Sitting in your closet
While you’re at it,
Do away with that phone, too.--I don't think you need the too
We wouldn’t want someone calling you,
Because that fifteen minute guitar solo--This is funny though it isn't likely someone would let the phone ring for 15 minutes so you may want to cut "fifteen minute". I think you get the same result.
From “freebird” isn’t the most meditive music.

If you’ve eliminated every annoyance--Maybe Once instead of If
Sink into your living room sofa .
Now, look at the back of your eyelids--You could probably cut Now though it isn't that much of an issue keeping it either
You should see a pitch-black pasture
So dark, it appears as if
The moon and stars have been stolen
Leaving only a featureless face.--great four lines

But don’t panic, the sun isn’t bashful here
Ask him, and he will come
Peeking above the barn
Like a floating bulb
Illuminating grass,
Tangled wire,
The farmhills dotted with cows
Lost in their grazing.--all of this was really good too

You can get the stars back, too.
Thousands, or a few
Of white pinholes poked through the sky
You might prefer this. It’s night,
So the cows are all locked away.
If they don’t particularly moove you.---arrrghh pun, pun

You can see the fence, Yes?--I think it works better if you walk them through the visualization. I'd consider cutting the yes, next line, and probably.
(If not, skip this verse)
It’s probably day-
Soon, the hoofed balls of white wool
Will come pouring from the barn
And sail, one by one, over the pickets--love those lines
Landing safely outside of your vision
To graze, as weariness pulls its dark curtain--love this line
Over your consciousness.--I think you can cut this line its implied in the previous line

If it’s night, you’re reading this---do you need you're reading htis
The sheep might not be confident
Hopping a fence they can’t see
So they will likely turn toward the moon
And lift their brittle legs, leaping
Over the glowing opal set in the sky-
Growing smaller and smaller
As they drift into the dark-
Follow them out-
Until the pasture comes apart.--this is my absolute favorite strophe in the poem. Dynamite ending!

So, hopefully that gives you some things to consider whatever you decide to do. Excelent poem Lawrence.

Best,

Todd

[Lawrence]

Awesome critique. I can always count on you for a good perspective.

[billy]

How to count Sheep

Spare yourself from distractions
Tear the television’s electric IV [would 'IV' read better as 'I.V. line']
From its socket-
Coil and toss it
Into the shoe box
Sitting in your closet
While you’re at it,
Do away with that phone, too. ['too' is redundant]
We wouldn’t want someone calling you, [is 'you' better than 'we' as an opener, is 'you' needed]
Because that fifteen minute guitar solo
From “freebird” isn’t the most meditive music. [i like these two lines but i think something more apt and less poetical is needed, maybe double glazing or something]

If you’ve eliminated every annoyance [ 'once' or 'when' instead of 'if']
Sink into your living room sofa .
Now, look at the back of your eyelids [is 'now' needed]
You should see a pitch-black pasture
So dark, it appears as if
The moon and stars have been stolen
Leaving only a featureless face.

But don’t panic, the sun isn’t bashful here [is 'but' needed]
Ask him, and he will come [ask him feels a bit too poetical, would 'wait' work better]
Peeking above the barn
Like a floating bulb [bulb as a simile here doesn't work for me]
Illuminating grass, [grass feels weak in connection with the last three lines of the stanza, how about 'wheat or maze or rapeseed or something else']
Tangled wire,
The farmhills dotted with cows [is 'the ' needed]
Lost in their grazing.

You can get the stars back, too.
Thousands, or a few
Of white pinholes poked through the sky [is 'of' needed]
You might prefer this. It’s night,
So the cows are all locked away.
If they don’t particularly moove you. [moove is too cheesy a pun in connection with cow, is it a poem or a parody? a good verse]

You can see the fence, Yes? [these 3 lines feel trite and unneeded]
(If not, skip this verse)
It’s probably day-
Soon, the hoofed balls of white wool
Will come pouring from the barn [would 'pour from the barn' work better than 'come pouring from the barn']
And sail, one by one, over the pickets
Landing safely outside of your vision
To graze, as weariness pulls its dark curtain
Over your consciousness. [ great four lines]

If it’s night, you’re reading this- [is 'you’re reading this' needed]
The sheep might not be confident
Hopping a fence they can’t see
So they will likely turn toward the moon
And lift their brittle legs, leaping
Over the glowing opal set in the sky-
Growing smaller and smaller
As they drift into the dark-
Follow them out-
Until the pasture comes apart. [this verse is really likeable]

the title feels a little too predictable
so much to like with this one. a few too many packing words that don't add, but a small edit would sort those out.
some good images the last 3 verse are my faves. the poem reds and flows well even with the extra packing.
thanks for the read as always Lawrence (jmo)

[cigarbabe]

How to count Sheep

Spare yourself from distractions
Tear the television’s electric IV [would 'IV' read better as 'I.V. line']
From its socket-
Coil and toss it
Into the shoe box
Sitting in your closet
While you’re at it,
Do away with that phone, too. ['too' is redundant]
We wouldn’t want someone calling you, [is 'you' better than 'we' as an opener, is 'you' needed]
Because that fifteen minute guitar solo
From “freebird” isn’t the most meditive music. [i like these two lines but i think something more apt and less poetical is needed, maybe double glazing or something]

If you’ve eliminated every annoyance [ 'once' or 'when' instead of 'if']
Sink into your living room sofa .
Now, look at the back of your eyelids [is 'now' needed]
You should see a pitch-black pasture
So dark, it appears as if
The moon and stars have been stolen
Leaving only a featureless face.

But don’t panic, the sun isn’t bashful here [is 'but' needed]
Ask him, and he will come [ask him feels a bit too poetical, would 'wait' work better]
Peeking above the barn
Like a floating bulb [bulb as a simile here doesn't work for me]
Illuminating grass, [grass feels weak in connection with the last three lines of the stanza, how about 'wheat or maze or rapeseed or something else']
Tangled wire,
The farmhills dotted with cows [is 'the ' needed]
Lost in their grazing.

You can get the stars back, too.
Thousands, or a few
Of white pinholes poked through the sky [is 'of' needed]
You might prefer this. It’s night,
So the cows are all locked away.
If they don’t particularly moove you. [moove is too cheesy a pun in connection with cow, is it a poem or a parody? a good verse]

You can see the fence, Yes? [these 3 lines feel trite and unneeded]
(If not, skip this verse)
It’s probably day-
Soon, the hoofed balls of white wool
Will come pouring from the barn [would 'pour from the barn' work better than 'come pouring from the barn']
And sail, one by one, over the pickets
Landing safely outside of your vision
To graze, as weariness pulls its dark curtain
Over your consciousness. [ great four lines]

If it’s night, you’re reading this- [is 'you’re reading this' needed]
The sheep might not be confident
Hopping a fence they can’t see
So they will likely turn toward the moon
And lift their brittle legs, leaping
Over the glowing opal set in the sky-
Growing smaller and smaller
As they drift into the dark-
Follow them out-
Until the pasture comes apart. [this verse is really likeable]

the title feels a little too predictable
so much to like with this one. a few too many packing words that don't add, but a small edit would sort those out.
some good images the last 3 verse are my faves. the poem reds and flows well even with the extra packing.
thanks for the read as always Lawrence (jmo)

I loved it just as it is.
I'm sure the little tweaks they've suggested
would also trim it up a tiny bit?
Mostly I just want to {and I'll do it again!}
say I really liked this poem so thank you for letting me read it!
C.B.