First Edit: Why We Fight/Aging

[Richard]

First Edit:

Aging

The easy way is dying first, before
you tell your only love to come to bed.
The way she faded worse than any war;
no valiant charge, just words you left unsaid.

There isn't glory in becoming old,
instead there's pity faked by callow ones
who smirk at every story you have told;
too young to see you've handed them your guns.

You try to warn about the wasted days,
of how they'll never love a better friend...
Your minutes slowly march beyond her gaze,
their minutes cruelly seem to have no end.

So you'll recall that night you held her hand,
a time those youth pretend to understand.


Original:

Why We Fight

The easy way is dying first before
you tell your only love to come to bed
because to see her fade was worse than war,
the final battle words you left unsaid.

There isn't glory in becoming old
instead there's pity from the callow ones
who smirk at every story you have told,
too young to see you've handed them your guns.

You want to warn about the wasted days
of how they'll never love a better friend
the minutes marching pass so many ways
and dying after her the cruelest end.

But all you'll do is sneer and ponder why
you fought so hard to only watch her die.

[ellajam]

Hi, Richard, a big swallow and a worthy topic. I had only one bump in the meter, as for the rhymes while they work I think making them a bit more comlex might suit the complex subject a bit more.

For me the poem did not answer the question the title asks. Maybe I am missing something but at the end I still don't know why we fight and it doesn't seem the N knows either. If you agree you might consider a different title, I don't think the poem needs to answer the question to work. Most of my notes involve different punctuation, just ideas for you to consider.

Why We Fight

The easy way is dying first before Maybe a comma after first, it's a big thought worthy of atleast a pause.
you tell your only love to come to bed
because to see her fade was worse than war, For me it's a bit awkward to apply "because" to L1 instead of L2. Possibly and watch her fade, then rework the rest of the line to add a foot. Possibly a semicolon after war.
the final battle words you left unsaid.
Strong stanza.

There isn't glory in becoming old comma
instead there's pity from the callow ones Meter forces an accent on "from", you might be able to do better there.
who smirk at every story you have told,
too young to see you've handed them your guns. Interesting line.

You want to warn about the wasted days comma
of how they'll never love a better friend I like his line.
the minutes marching pass so many ways Not a fan of this line, "so many ways" means nothing to me.
and dying after her the cruelest end.

But all you'll do is sneer and ponder why
you fought so hard to only watch her die.

I enjoyed the read, thanks for posting.

[Richard]

Hey ellajam,
Thanks for the feedback, especially the notes on the comma usage. It's been a while since I wrote in formal verse, so I'm a bit rusty with some of that stuff. This poem is actually an edit of a poem I wrote back 2004, and that was where the title came from. I think the title worked better before some of my edits because it originally focused more on the war metaphor. I'll definitely change it now that you confirmed that the title isn't the strongest. Editing this poem reinforced why I got away from formal verse and rhyming, but once I got going on it, I just couldn't stop until I had a mostly functional poem. By the way, I was actually really down on this poem, so I greatly appreciate the kind words.

Thanks again,
Richard

[dukealien]

Why We Fight

The easy way is dying first before  can't help thinking this line could be improved, to imply it's a "would have been" - though that comes out soon enough, it doesn't connect with what's really going on.
you tell your only love to come to bed
because to see her fade was worse than war,  only now is the thought complete, almost an internal volta.
the final battle words you left unsaid.  except for introducing the concept of battle, this line is almost unnecessary - could the quatrain be re-balanced?

There isn't glory in becoming old
instead there's pity from the callow ones
who smirk at every story you have told,
too young to see you've handed them your guns.  Love the story in this quatrain.

You want to warn about the wasted days  see below about "the"
of how they'll never love a better friend
the minutes marching pass so many ways
and dying after her the cruelest end.  ditto previous comment

But all you'll do is sneer and ponder why  at first and second read the volta seems ugly and detached.  On third, however (below)
you fought so hard to only watch her die. 

This is excellent; I feel fully involved and sympathetic toward the viewpoint character.  As noted, not sure the growing realization in the first quatrain is as smooth or (pardon the guess) intentional as it might be.

Haven't made a lot of detail suggestions:  rhyme and meter are well done and as precise as necessary.  Only general suggestion is to go back and examine each use of "the" with suspicion:  could it be replaced by a more descriptive word, enhancing without breaking meter?  In S3 you use "the" three times; for example, its third line could begin "mute marching minutes" (not a real suggestion, much less a rewrite!)

Despite the emptiness expressed in S3, the volta in the couplet comes as a shock.  The quatrains all speak of caring while the couplet - "sneer" is the detonator - approaches cynical despair.  But having seen loved ones age in this mode, I connect the couplet with dementia's early or late rage/paranoia fork of forgetting:  truly tragic, resenting all his good and caring silence and advice.  In a way, he's like the smirking youth:  he no longer knows/remembers why he fought, or even that the fight availed in his then terms of reference.

Thank you for posting!

[headybeach]

Why We Fight

The easy way is dying first before
you tell your only love to come to bed
because to see her fade was worse than war,
the final battle words you left unsaid. For me, these two lines seem a little disconnected. Although, I might just not be following it correctly. What's the relation between these two lines?

There isn't glory in becoming old
instead there's pity from the callow ones Maybe a comma after instead, as well, in order to shift the accent to "pity"?
who smirk at every story you have told,
too young to see you've handed them your guns.

You want to warn about the wasted days
of how they'll never love a better friend
the minutes marching pass so many ways
and dying after her the cruelest end. Maybe a comma before "after her" to keep the "dying" as the main action and "after her" as describing the dying. And maybe a colon or hyphen before "the cruelest end"

But all you'll do is sneer and ponder why
you fought so hard to only watch her die. I really love the way that this stanza sends off the message of this poem!

I really like this poem, I think it really insightfully addresses such a huge topic. I agree tho that the title could be changed maybe, since the question isnt really answered in the poem. Also, I think the word "fight" in the title threw me for a bit of a loop since I was thinking "fight" as in arguing haha and I think that might be why I got confused on those two last lines of the first stanza. Thank you for sharing this! I really liked it!

[Richard]

Hey dukealien and headybeach,
Thanks for the feedback. You've given me some wonder food for thought with this poem. I always find it interesting how reading someone else's interpretation of my work can change my own thinking about it so much.

Thanks again,
Richard

[tectak]

Hello rich,
 If poetry can be described by genus and species this is Commitment veracity  verse and it is pretty difficult to write well. To make it work you need to commit the piece to a solid theme and stick with it. You have done well...but pretty well used up your thinking in the process. I would like to say that this is a nostalgic look back over mistakes made and knowledge gained...but that is where the thing breaks down. You shift from the ORIGINAL theme to a new angle in the very last couplet. I think this is a mistake.  It is never easy to crit veracity verse and even harder to be sure what IS veracity verse so as a rule we never assume that poetry tells a true story of the writer, only the character portrayed. Could I ask that you bear that in mind...so....line by line. 

Why We Fight

The easy way is dying first beforeGrammar...ain't it a pain. Lookee, the quintessence of this opener is "The easy way is dying first...keep it there by putting a comma after "first". Why? because if you do not then the point rambles in to the complexity of the NEXT point in the stanza. Give unto Caesar. So

The easy way is dying first, before
you tell your only love to come to bed;
to see her fading was far worse than war.
The final battle? Words you left unsaid.

OK. Apologies for the rewrite. Ignore...but that is how my head read it and I am the reader. The "far worse" is poor but only serves to amplify MY thinking. Your poem.
you tell your only love to come to bed
because to see her fade was worse than war,
the final battle words you left unsaid.

There isn't glory in becoming oldThere is no glory....verging on a cliche but verging is far enough away...comma at line end. Same reason as before.
instead there's pity from the callow ones
who smirk at every story you have told,This is a clean stanza with easily clicked together parts. No glory, pity, smirk...a Lego brick construction. Isolate it it from the conclusion with a semicolon, if only to give a pensive pause. A comma here is connective, a semi colon is conclusive. Nice thinking, nonetheless. 
too young to see you've handed them your guns.

You want to warn about the wasted dayscomma
of how they'll never love a better friendperiod
the minutes marching pass so many waysCapital on The. New point coming.
and dying after her the cruelest end.Awkwardly expressed. I can just see what you see but am not sure. I do believe it is the "and" word that weakens this couplet. I can see you were stuck with rhyming to "days" but the point is just not made.
Our minutes march, we choose the easy ways;
but dying after her...the cruelest end. 

Best I can do off the cuff but that's not what you want from me...it's simply my attempt to get meaning.
But all you'll do is sneer and ponder why
you fought so hard to only watch her die.This couplet is redundant, with or without my thinking. Frankly, it is not part of your overall commitment to the cause. If it is, then you need to clean it up because I have no idea who "you" is anymore. the ands and the buts have got me all boo(leanne)d out....logic escapes me.


Well...that's my take. I cannot say it is a failed effort because I wish I had thought of it first. Well done.
Best,
tectak

[nibbed]

Hi Richard,

The thing about poetry is the intent of the writer often doesn't match up with the interpretation of the reader. I think there's more to this poem than what one may typically take from it. I suppose I say that because of the title and then the subtlety concerning other parts of the poem. The last stanza:


But all you'll do is sneer and ponder why
you fought so hard to only watch her die.  I was wondering if you had chosen the proper word to modify,
                                                                  did you mean it as written or:
                                                                  you fought so hard only to watch her die

Enjoyable read, a bit genius, actually,
in that it says one thing though
perhaps can mean something else.
Thank you for the opportunity to critique.
Best wishes to you!

[Richard]

Hey tectak and nibbed,
I greatly appreciate the feedback. I really like the grammar notes. I have been mostly writing poetry without any grammatical conventions, so it feels weird to be thinking about commas and semicolons, but in a poem like this, they are definitely a necessity. I don't think the word "genius" has ever been associated with anything I've written, so that made my day.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Achebe]

Why We Fight

The easy way is dying first before
you tell your only love to come to bed
because to see her fade was worse than war,
the final battle words you left unsaid.

....the first three lines make sense if 'bed' is a euphemism for 'grave', but I don't understand why you, the narrator, would tell your love to die. The last line is inexplicable.

There isn't glory in becoming old
instead there's pity from the callow ones
who smirk at every story you have told,
too young to see you've handed them your guns.

...the 'guns' is too obvious a rhyme with 'ones'. 

You want to warn about the wasted days
of how they'll never love a better friend ...the "they" = "young ones" and "friend" = could be anything, including - I suppose - , "youth", but it's all avoidable and not very interesting guesswork 

the minutes marching pass so many ways....needs to be a new line
and dying after her the cruelest end. ...you were talking about "them" and all of a sudden have gone back to S1 without batting an eyelid. Makes it a bit of an aimless ramble.

But all you'll do is sneer and ponder why .... what is the "but" contradicting?? Also, not clear why you'd be "sneering" at anything. "They" might, "you"'oughtn't.
you fought so hard to only watch her die. "Fought so hard" - pointless filler

Hello Richard - it helps if you read your lines to see if they would make sense as prose. It doesn't always need to, but where it doesn't, the poetry has to be beautiful enough to justify obscurity - ist ed, the payoff to the reader has to make sense.
In your piece, I would suggest that you rework some of the lines as above. The metre is also quite humdrum, but that's a secondary issue.

[Richard]

Hey Achebe,
Thanks for the feedback. I am actually in the middle of revising this, but am stuck on the couplet at the end... Most seem to agree that it needs to be replaced with something better, yet I keep coming up blank or with lines that are actually worse than what is currently there.

Thanks again,
Richard

[dukealien]

First Edit:

Aging

The easy way is dying first, before
you tell your only love to come to bed.
The way she faded worse than any war;
no valiant charge, just words you left unsaid.

There isn't glory in becoming old,
instead there's pity faked by callow ones
who smirk at every story you have told;
too young to see you've handed them your guns.

You try to warn about the wasted days,
of how they'll never love a better friend...
Your minutes slowly march beyond her gaze,
their minutes cruelly seem to have no end.

So you'll recall that night you held her hand,
a time those youth pretend to understand.

Truth to tell, I liked the previous title better - but since it now lacks referents beyond the first quatrain (even "guns" is more gunfighter than war, an individual rather than social activity) the title fits the edit.

I question the semicolon ending L7 - to me, it seems to require less of a break, more of a sigh.  An em-dash, perhaps?

The repetition of "minutes" in LL11-12 doesn't work well for me, though the specific reference back to the youths (and forward to the couplet) does clarify.

In general, the edit is an improvement in clarity; my reservations about it are personal, having committed to my odd decoding of the original version.  Good work.

[Richard]

Hey dukealien,
Thanks for the feedback. You gave such a wonderful analysis of of the last two lines in the original, I actually felt some guilt about changing it. However, most of the other readers seem to have issues with that couplet, so I went ahead and changed it. The more I post and read on here, the more I realize just how personal one's interpretation of a poem can be.

As for the title, I realized after all my edits that I hadn't thought much about the title change, so my title change wasn't the most thorough aspect of my revisions. The more I think about, the more I wish I had kept the original title as well.

Thanks again,
Richard