Falling Toward Grace

[Elizazile]

Growing through loneliness
Just don't let me end up like this 
I figure all I can do
Is wallow over you
Til alone gets great
Or normal
Til I've stayed up out of arms
Long enough to stop feeling phantoms
I think a little pain might be the bridge 
From here to heaven
Or here to standing straight
And maybe one day
After falling forever with no net
I'll land soft and gentle
In my own life.

[Richard]

Hey Elizazile,
I liked some of the figurative language in this poem. My biggest suggestion would be that I think you could explore some of your ideas and images in greater detail. I'll explain more below:

Growing through loneliness
Just don't let me end up like this 
I figure all I can do
Is wallow over you -You set up a rhyme scheme here that you don't follow for the rest of the poem. I actually don't mind the rhyming here (I actually like rhyming "loneliness" with "this"). However, you need to be consistent if you are going to rhyme.
Til alone gets great -I could be wrong, but is "Til" a word? I would change it to "Until" because "Til" makes the speaker sound very young.
Or normal
Til I've stayed up out of arms
Long enough to stop feeling phantoms -I like this metaphor. I think you should explore it more though.
I think a little pain might be the bridge
From here to heaven 
Or here to standing straight -I like the image in this line. However, I would cut the previous line and start this line with "From" instead of "Or."
And maybe one day
After falling forever with no net
I'll land soft and gentle -I would replace "soft and gentle" with "gently."
In my own life. -I like the image of falling, but again I feel like you could develop it more. Keeping that in mind, how does the image of falling work with the idea of "to stop feeling phantoms"?

Overall, I think there is a lot of promise in this piece. I might even go as far to suggest breaking it into two poems. One could deal with the image of falling as an end to a relationship and another could be about a relationship causing someone to feel phantoms (I really like that metaphor).

Keep writing,
Richard

[dukealien]

Growing through loneliness
Just don't let me end up like this 
I figure all I can do
Is wallow over you  "wallow" is arresting - not sure if it's great (implying an "in" phrase) or misused (since it usually calls for "in" not "over")
Til alone gets great  apostrophe ('Til) would be standard here
Or normal
Til I've stayed up out of arms ditto above
Long enough to stop feeling phantoms
I think a little pain might be the bridge 
From here to heaven
Or here to standing straight  multiple possible meanings of "straight" - very nice
And maybe one day
After falling forever with no net  what you mean here (remainder of the poem) is that it *seems* like forever (see below)
I'll land soft and gentle  but unexpectedly?
In my own life.

This expresses very well - only critique, and a mild one, along that line is the choice between heaven and standing straight, which can be taken as renouncing the world vs. remaining engaged.  Since life remains at the end, this seems to be resolved in favor of engagement - reducing the title's "grace" from religious to more mundane.  Or retaining both meanings?

At several points (see above) the poem skips over/implies qualifiers/modifiers (wallow [in misery] over [losing] you, falling [for what seems like] forever).  This works, but could IMHO work even better with just a bit more filling.  I may be wrong about this; producing the same or greater effect with different words will not be easy.

A very satisfying read.  Thanks for posting it!

(If no one has mentioned it yet, the sentiment on this site is against capitalizing the first letter of every line unless required by sentence structure - and not always then - regarding it as archaic.  I mildly disagree, but you might see how this poem looks without the capitalization:  it does distract in a few places, IMHO.)

[homer1950]

Hey Elizazile, some thoughts:

Growing through loneliness
Just don't let me end up like this --------------(like what?) Just (the way you are using it) is taking power away from the line. 
I figure all I can do --------------------- Is this something that is happening to you? Or something you are doing to pass the time?
Is wallow over you
Til alone gets great-----------------------Use of til instead of Until seems out of place
Or normal-----------------------------------Perhaps reverse lines, Until alone gets normal--------Or great
Til I've stayed up out of (your) arms-----------Same as above (not sure if you are using Til to sound more poetic?) 
Long enough to stop feeling phantoms
I think a little pain(,) might be the bridge 
From here to heaven
Or here to standing straight ----------again try reversing,  From here to standing straight --------- Or here to heaven (heaven is greater than straight)
And maybe one day
After falling (what seems like) forever with no net ----------can not fall forever and land
I'll land (,) soft and gentle
In my own life.

[Szczepan]

Growing through loneliness
Just don't let me end up like this 
I figure all I can do *** great 2 lines that could be the centerpiece of a rock love song ... and that's a good thing!
Is wallow over you ***
Til alone gets great <<< not sure if the 1st 4 lines were accidental rhymes but the pattern is broken ... Me, I *like* broken patterns somehow if the intended impact is supposed to be jolting ... is that what you are going for?
Or normal
Til I've stayed up out of arms <<< wouldn't change a thing
Long enough to stop feeling phantoms <<< wouldn't change a thing except maybe remove "Long"
I think a little pain might be the bridge  <<< <<< wouldn't change a thing except maybe remove "I think"
From here to heaven <<< sums up nicely what are actually 4 powerful lines!
Or here to standing straight
And maybe one day
After falling forever with no net
I'll land soft and gentle
In my own life.

Good Job. Evoked kinda a "been there, done that" feeling ... which I guess all of us have had at one time or the other.

[nibbed]

Hi Elizazile

this is a great poem. I didn't want to critique at first because it really touched me.




Growing through loneliness                                 I love how this ties into wallow
Just don't let me end up like this 
I figure all I can do
Is wallow over you
Til alone gets great
Or normal
Til I've stayed up out of arms                           
Long enough to stop feeling phantoms              this is perfect
I think a little pain might be the bridge                 I don't know why baby popped into my head, just for a second
From here to heaven
Or here to standing straight
And maybe one day
After falling forever with no net
I'll land soft and gentle
In my own life.


this touches on many things concerning
loneliness. the title is becoming, too.

I hope you have a wonderful day filled
will happiness and joy

janine

[shemthepenman]

Growing through loneliness
Just don't let me end up like this 
I figure all I can do
Is wallow over you
Til alone gets great  -- till... it's till... till... till till till
Or normal
Til I've stayed up out of arms
Long enough to stop feeling phantoms
I think a little pain might be the bridge 
From here to heaven
Or here to standing straight
And maybe one day
After falling forever with no net
I'll land soft and gentle
In my own life.