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I am the the Muslim skulking by,
I am the Hindu, I serve in my store,
I am the Christian, head held high,
I am the Mormon at your door.
I am the world and I am like you
I am bound by my birth to be who I am.
I am born of the only god who is true.
I am all things and yet still but a man.
tectak2017
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Not sure if you wanted any feedback, but this seems like rudimentary work, lazy even. I won't offend you further by going into detail. At least there was a positive idea in your head, but I think you should scrap this and begin afresh.
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(04-12-2017, 07:52 PM)Donald Q. Wrote: Not sure if you wanted any feedback, but this seems like rudimentary work, lazy even. I won't offend you further by going into detail. At least there was a positive idea in your head, but I think you should scrap this and begin afresh.
It was all of those things plus lingua in maxillam. The idea was not to overburden the forum with layered complexity but to indicate how sterotyping can and should be eliminated. I guess the intent was overpowered by impotency
All crit is eaten. Thank you for yours.
tectak.
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Your good grace is appreciated. I look forward to giving a more helpful crit on your next poem!
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Hi tectak. I was intrigued by this poem because for me it reflects the nature of man, or what most of mankind believes. I thought it strange that each line started out with I am, for these two reasons:
1. I am is the name God gives Himself in the Old Testament (and you left out the Jew).
2. I am is similar to iamb or iambus, and in itself, fits.
I don't necessarily agree with the poem, and even though I am sure it wasn't meant to, as a born-again believer L6 rings very true to me. I find the poem as a whole an incredible voice of many lost people, and so, a tragic piece. I agree that it could be sent back to work. There is too much missing and may require more research.
Best wishes ever to you!
there's always a better reason to love
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(04-13-2017, 03:35 AM)nibbed Wrote: Hi tectak. I was intrigued by this poem because for me it reflects the nature of man, or what most of mankind believes. I thought it strange that each line started out with I am, for these two reasons:
1. I am is the name God gives Himself in the Old Testament (and you left out the Jew).
2. I am is similar to iamb or iambus, and in itself, fits.
I don't necessarily agree with the poem, and even though I am sure it wasn't meant to, as a born-again believer L6 rings very true to me. I find the poem as a whole an incredible voice of many lost people, and so, a tragic piece. I agree that it could be sent back to work. There is too much missing and may require more research.
Best wishes ever to you!
Hi nibb....if I can begin at the end, you are more right than wrong...a good deal is missing. Jews, Jains, Pagan, Buddhist etc, etc. ...but that's the nub of it. You see, the point is made in one line...just pick on any religion and the same applies to all. I was lazy...my choice...I went for easy rhyme. I don't really need more research at my age...I guess I made up my mind about a lot of things years ago. This then is a distillation...not of deep knowledge but of contented opinion
It makes poetry a whole lot easier.
Best,
tectak
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(04-12-2017, 07:19 PM)tectak Wrote: I am the the Muslim skulking by,
I am the Hindu, I serve in my store,
I am the Christian, head held high,
I am the Mormon at your door.
I am the world and I am like you there´s a . point missing
I am bound by my birth to be who I am.
I am born of the only god who is true.
I am all things and yet still but a man.
tectak2017
another poem that stirs something.
i know you hate interpretations, but i can´t resist:
illusion
illusion
illusion
illusion
truth
fate
faith
life
